Episode 017: I Think I am Addicted to my Phone

Do you spend too much time on your phone? Is your phone controlling your life?  Last week, I realized mine is more prominent in my life than I want it to be so I declared this month a “Screen-Free Month”.

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This episode is going to be a little different. I wanted to talk about a personal struggle of mine, and that is my phone. I have struggled off and on with being addicted to my phone and using it to escape when I'm in a social situation, using it as a way to deal with my anxiety, using it as a way to stay in touch.

It is my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. On Sundays, my husband and I always watch CBS Sunday morning; it's one of my favorite shows. I like the last 10 minutes of the show where they do a nature scene. It's the last 30 seconds, but sometimes I'll watch the whole show just for that last 30 seconds, or I'll fast forward through the whole show for that last 30 seconds.

But this week, they had a piece with Paula Poundstone, who was talking about cell phones and iPads and the whole gamut of things that we use to distract ourselves. She was specifically talking about kids and what all this screen time is doing to our children. It was profound and just knocked me into my senses to be like, wow, you are addicted to your phone. If I am not on my computer, I'm on my phone, or I'm on my iPad.

My husband and I will joke that I can sit in front of the TV watching a TV show while playing with my iPad. So it's not just one screen, but two that I need to relax. So after watching that show on Sunday, I was thinking to myself, okay, I'm going to do a screen time vacation for the month of December. And so here we are, it's December. I'm recording this on December 2nd.

And so two days in actually yeah, two days in, so I started that on Monday, November 30th. This is my third day, and this has been challenging for me. So I just wanted to share my reactions and what's been happening for me in hopes that it would help you if it's something you struggle with.

I've been surprised by how addicted I am. I almost wanted to start the show by saying my name is Nancy Jane Smith, and I'm addicted to my phone. It is like a jonesing almost to have that distraction, especially in the morning, because in the morning, the first thing I do, I get up, check my phone, and look at my email.

I look at my Facebook. I look at Instagram. I read blogs. I do this stuff while watching TV, while eating breakfast, while walking around the house, taking care of the animals. I'm also on my phone looking at what's happening in the world. And so to come downstairs and just be with my animals and do the chores in the morning and not have my phone has been fascinating.

It's been nice to have that relaxation time and that time just to be doing one thing at a time, rather than constantly multitasking. But it also has been hard because I realized that I am always looking for it. I'm always wanting that fix of being on my phone. So it's been an interesting experience.

And last night I went out with a friend and she was late. She was about half an hour late actually to meet me. And I was at a wine bar, and I was sitting there with my glass of wine and had my phone in my purse, but I couldn't touch it because of this December phone ban, and it was interesting.

I can't tell you the last time I sat at a restaurant by myself, and I had nothing. Usually, I have a journal or something in my purse, but I didn't bring that purse this time. I just brought a little wallet. And so I didn't have my journal. I didn't have my phone, and I could just sit there and breathe and look around and take in the Christmas decorations and the lights and the beautiful wine shop that it is.

And it was amazing how hard that was to sit there. And I kept thinking, what are people going to think of me? Do they think I'm staring? What are people going to think about me just sitting here doing nothing?

And that was uncomfortable for maybe a minute or two, but then it just became nice. I'd had a hectic day yesterday. So to be able just to sit there and relax and think and not be on my phone all the time was refreshing. So it's helped me. Relax. It's helped me be more present in my life.

It's helped me recognize that I'm not all that important. Facebook is surviving just fine without m constantly checking and liking and seeing what everyone's doing. And I am doing just fine in my business. Because I used to use it as an excuse that, oh, I need this for my work, I need to be checking all these blogs.

My business has been just fine without checking all the bogs and seeing when everyone else is writing out there. I don't think I've lost any brain cells because I haven't seen the latest and greatest blogs. If anything, I think I've become more connected with myself and my life. And what's happening right here in my little home in Columbus, Ohio, and with my little family that I have here.

And that's been nice. So like I said, I'm only on day three, so it's just beginning, and I will keep you all posted as this goes along. I wanted to announce it somewhere, and I didn't want to announce it on Facebook because I thought that was ironic. So I thought this podcast was a great place just to share this journey.

Because this is where I share my stories on living happier, I think this recognition of how much screen time I use to escape from my life and then just being present to it without the screen time will be impactful to this live happier journey that I'm on. And I would love to hear if that's something you can relate to, or if that's something you're struggling with as well.

And you are welcome to join me for the December free of screen time event. And I'm hoping I can last the whole month. It will be interesting to see. So that's my insights on living without screens and living without Facebook and email.

For the record, I am still on all those things. I'm just on them, only on my computer. The next thing will be the challenge of not running upstairs to my computer all the time, which I don't think that'll be a challenge. The rule is I can get on Facebook and email, but I can only do that from my main computer, which has been challenging and helpful.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Ask Yourself Does this Really Matter?

I have been doing this more in my everyday life. While sitting in traffic or in line, I ask myself does it matter if there is traffic? Can I do anything about this? Nope. I can’t. Reminding myself to breathe, relax and remember some things are out of my control (ok most things are out of my control) is helpful.

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Episode 016: Tips to Live Happier During Thanksgiving

As I prepare to pause from the rush I wanted to offer some tips on Living Happier During Thanksgiving

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In the United States, we officially kick off the holiday season with Thanksgiving. I love the idea of having thanks, being grateful, and gathering with friends and family to eat a big delicious meal. This holiday was founded on the idea of taking time out, pausing the rush of life to reflect and be thankful.

So as I prepare to pause from the rush, I wanted to offer my tips on living happier during Thanksgiving.

The first one is to make a plan, not just arrival times and what to bring, but a plan on what to do when it's getting too stressful. Such as a key phrase or gesture you can say to your spouse or friend when you're done D O N E done. Or a reminder to yourself that it's okay to leave, take a walk, head to the basement, spend a little extra time in the bathroom. Just because you have always done something a certain way that doesn't mean you have to do it that way. This year make a plan and have some creativity around it.

Think back to where the holidays took a wrong turn in years past, and try to figure out ways to do it differently this year. With a little honesty and creativity, everyone can have a great holiday season. We need to be able to sit down with the intention to help each member of our family show up, be seen, and have a wonderful holiday.

My second tip is to have compassion. If you do nothing else this holiday season, have compassion for yourself and those around you. Families put the buttons there in the first place, so they certainly know how to push them. Give yourself a break.

One of my favorite mantras is: "They're doing the best they can with what they have." It is a phrase I repeat a lot around the holidays. It's a loving reminder to myself as well. A reminder that I'm doing the best I can with what I have and that it may not be perfect may not be as great as I think I could be doing, but it is the best I can given all that's happening.

Remind yourself that sometimes you have to dig deep for gratitude. For some people, my clients, and my friends, even myself, gratitude this time of year can be a challenge from time to time. Sometimes we have to dig deep to find the gratitude in our lives. Perhaps in the past year, you've lost a loved one, a job, or maybe you're going through a divorce.

Sometimes life deals us a bad hand, and sometimes we're frustrated, discouraged, and just downright exhausted. When we're feeling lost and frustrated, the simple reminder to be grateful and count your blessings can get old. No matter how much we know, we should count our blessings. Sometimes it is just plain hard.

If you or someone you know comes to this Thanksgiving holiday not feeling quite thankful as last year. That's okay. Maybe all you can muster for your gratitude this year is that you're alive or that you have a place to go for the holiday. That's okay. In my opinion, the point of this holiday isn't to make us feel bad because we don't feel as jolly as we should. It is to remind us to pause our lives. So give yourself a break if you have to dig a little deeper this year to find the gratitude.

My next reminder, pay attention to the little things throughout the day. Pause, breathe and notice the little things. Thanksgiving reminds us to take stock of all the little things that make up our lives.

The small everyday blessings including:

*a warm bed,

*the smell of coffee in the morning,

*listening to your favorite song,

*wearing your most comfy sweater.

So throughout the day, pay attention to the little things that are making up your day:

*Your child's laughter,

*your husband's smile,

*your father's hug

*the taste of the mashed potatoes.

I find it helpful to set the alarm on my phone, and each time I hear the chime, pause, breathe and notice. Anytime you can slow down and notice what is happening around you, it will help you live happier during the Thanksgiving holiday. So those are my tips for living happier.

During the holidays, make a plan, have some compassion, remind yourself it's okay if you have to dig a little deeper for gratitude, and pay attention to the little things. This Thanksgiving, take a chance to breathe in the natural pause. The time to gather with friends and family and reflect on what the past year has brought, both the joys and the sorrows.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Be Fully Present in the Stolen Moments

Little dead spaces during your day can be used for mindfulness. Be mindful of exactly what is taking place right now, even if it is tedious drudgery. Take advantage of moments when you are alone. Take advantage of activities that are largely mechanical. Use every spare second to be mindful. Use all the moments you can.

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Episode 015: A Live Happier Red Flag: I SHOULD be Happy

One of the biggest red flags to me is when someone says, I should be happy.

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Earlier this week, I was with a friend, and we were talking about her and her husband. They had some issues over the years, and they're trying to work it out.

He's trying hard to be there for her. He shows his love by giving her gifts to shower her with love, gifts, and financial support. Over a glass of wine, she said to me, "I should be happy. A lot of women would kill to get all these gifts. A lot of women would love to come home and receive all this stuff I'm receiving. But it's just not hitting it for me. And I feel horrible because he's trying so hard, and I'm just so ungrateful."

She went on about this for a while. And then finally I said to her, "What if, what he's doing to show his love, just isn't hitting it for you? Instead of beating yourself up for, I should be happy with what he's giving me, get clear on what would hit the mark for you. Then express that to him so he can hit the mark better and start giving you the things that you need from him." And she was said, "Oh my gosh, that's so true."

I said, "instead of feeling guilty, recognize it's okay that this stuff isn't hitting the mark. I need to figure out what does." And so she said, "Oh my gosh, that'd be a great podcast. You should consider podcasting about that." And we were laughing, and here I go, podcasting about it. But I think that is such a live happier red flag that we get stuck in.

I should be happy. I should be happy. I have a good-paying job. I should be happy. I have decent benefits. I should be happy. I have a great husband. When we say the phrase, I should be happy. It usually means one of two things.

First off, you're convincing yourself that you should be happy based on someone else's definition of happiness.

Someone else told you that this is the perfect job or benefits are key to all of life or what a dream home is supposed to look like. And so to live up to someone else's standard of what happiness is. You're convincing yourself you're delighted with that aspect of your life. In this option, when we say I should be happy, we're attempting to convince ourselves of something that isn't true for us. So it's important to do a sincere gut check. When we hear that phrase and ask ourselves, according to what standards should I be happy?

Am I living a life based on my standards or someone else's, and are there changes I need to make to live more in line with what I intend for my life? And that's what I encouraged my friend to do. She's living by someone else's standards. Some other woman someplace else would love to get gifts and would love to have her husband shower her with presents, and that's okay. But that isn't what my friend wants. She doesn't want the gifts, and that's okay. She needs to get clear and express that rather than sitting in this muck of saying, I should be.

The second option when people say I should be happy is you're actually living in the messy, and you're holding two very different truths. And that is an uncomfortable process.

*You have a good-paying job, and it isn't really what you want to do.

*You just had a baby that you love and adore, and it's hard being a new parent.

*Your husband is fantastic, and sometimes it's hard to live with another person.

*You have decent benefits, and you're starting to wonder if it's worth the sacrifice to hate your job so much for the sake of good benefits.

One of the many mysteries of life that I'm most struck by is that eternal blend of positive and negative. The idea that life will forever be messy, no matter how much we strive to have it tied up in any little bow. There will always be tragedy and joy intermixed together, and getting comfortable with these two ends of the continuum and bringing them closer together is a lifelong process.

When we're saying, I should be happy to convince ourselves to suck it up, forget the challenges and look at the positive. We run ourselves ragged. And so it's important to embrace the mess and to give ourselves a break. It's okay. To love what we have and to want more. It's okay to be holding both of those.

You have your dream house, and it has a lot of work to do on it.

You have an amazing husband, and he doesn't always hit the mark every time.

And the more we can be truly honest about what's going on, the better off we're going to be. So pay attention when you start saying I should be happy, stop and ask yourself, what's going on here? Am I living by someone else's standards? Like my friend was about what happiness looks like, or am I avoiding the messiness of life? And I think that shows up in other ways. Sometimes by "avoiding the messiness of life," we get stuck in our lives, and we get stuck because we don't want to move forward.

We don't want to decide what comes next. A typical example of this is I don't like my job, and I don't know what to do next. And so we think about all the options.

*I could go back to school.

*I can move to Jamaica.

*I could stay at my current job and ask for a raise.

*I could move companies and do the same job.

*I could do nothing.

Yeah. The possibilities are endless. And then we think of all the shoulds.

*I should be making more money.

*I should be responsible.

*I should stay where I am for the kids.

*I should have a Master's degree.

*I should study something appropriate and on.

We get trapped in those shifts. More often than not. We choose the do-nothing option, not because it's what we want necessarily, but because it's less painful.

Frequently, the wants and the shoulds are contradictory, and we can spin and spin on all the options, contradictions, and possibilities. And we stay put doing nothing. Sometimes that's okay. Sometimes the timing is off, and we know what we want to do, but it isn't the right time.

You don't have the appropriate funding. We aren't quite ready yet. The kids are too young, or we need to do some research, but the danger comes when we aren't intentional about what's happening when we stay stuck. Not because it makes sense, but because the battle between the wants and the shoulds is too great.

When we go back and forth ad nauseum, and we aren't intentional about what's happening, that's when we get into trouble. So when the shoulds overwhelm us. The shoulds of you should get a master's degree. You should do all this. You should be this perfect person and have this perfect job and be making tons of money and love your job too.

No wonder we get stuck. The problem is when we're shoulding all over ourselves, we're not making a decision. So to go back to the debate, I want to find a different job. I'm not happy where I am. The timing may not be right, but I'm going to start applying for jobs, and I'm going to see what's out there, and that's a fair assessment, and you're moving forward slowly but surely.

And you're making decisions as you go. But when we get stuck in, I should be this, and I should be that. And I should be this. We never move forward. We never do anything because we're stuck in what we think we should be rather than facing what's going on. We get stuck in the possibility of where we could be rather than embracing; this is where my life is right now. Right now. I need to be making money for my family. So right now, I'm not going to have a fabulous job that I love. Cause I have a job that makes a ton of money. That's okay. So I'm going to do other things that make sure I add to my life, and I'm going to start setting myself up so I can get there.

I can't take it one more minute. I hate my job so much, and I'm dumping this on my family, and I'm so miserable, and they're miserable. And so we're going to figure out a way to cut back so I can find another job. Maybe make less money and still be happy.

When we're honest, we can develop solutions, whether the decision is large, small, impacting the long-term or the short-term. Whenever we're listening to the voice of the should, we will remain stuck, and we most definitely will not be living happier.

So I challenge you this week to pay attention to how often do you say I should be. Every time you hear the word should check it, check yourself. Because should, is not a way to guide your life. That is not a way to make decisions to move forward.

Whenever we're shoulding on ourselves, we're just spinning our wheels. Basically, we're not getting anywhere. So we need to be paying attention to how often we say I "should be." Because should keeps us stuck.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: just brush your teeth.

And I'm putting this out there because I am the queen of multitasking while brushing my teeth. I can brush my teeth, fill up my water glass, brush my teeth, and make the morning coffee. I'm constantly doing something while I'm brushing my teeth.

This week, I decided to implement the ritual of just standing in one place and brushing my teeth to be fully present to my teeth and doing a body scan. And it's made a big difference in my stress level. I challenge you to do the same thought. It might be a fun weekly ritual.

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Episode 014: A Few Thoughts on Grief and Living Happier

Inspired by an article I read, in this podcast, I am talking about handling the everyday little transitions, struggles, and periods of grief we experience. Giving ourselves some grace.

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I struggled with the title for this episode this week because grief has such a bad name and gets such a bad rap. And because grieving is a very painful, challenging topic. We all hate going through grief for a variety of reasons. But today, I wanted to talk about grief because a couple of weeks ago, I read an article, and if you've run into me in the past couple of weeks, you've heard me talk about this article. I've posted on Facebook, I've written about it in my newsletter. It has resonated with me for a variety of reasons. And the article's called Everything Doesn't Happen for a Reason by Tim Lawrence. (Since recording this episode, Tim's website is no longer available, so the link has been removed)

I love this article because the author does such a great job of talking about grief and how our tendency in society and Western culture is to ignore grief. And one of the big things I'm discovering as I work with clients and as I navigate my journey in living happier, and I've talked about this for years, that live happier is a combination of all the positives and the negatives.

When people hear the phrase, Oh, live happier, they assume it's only sunshine and light and perfectly wonderful things. And that is not what I'm talking about. The purpose of living happier is a daily, intentional living structure. And so that means that every day we make decisions based on our highest priorities and our deepest values.

And we live authentically in trying to make those priorities fit. So when we're living happier, we're experiencing all there is to life. We experience the grief, we experience the sadness, and we experience the gray days where we don't want to get up off the couch. And we also experience the days of joy and happiness and laughter, and those days can be all in one big, giant day.

They don't have to be two separate major things of, Oh my God. Today is a day of grief or, Oh my God, today is a beautiful, lighthearted day. Those 2 things can happen within the hour. Last Sunday, for example, I was crying my eyes out one second. And the next second, I was rolling on the floor laughing. So that is living happier in a nutshell.

But the reason I love this article because he talks about how in our culture, we tend to belittle other people's grief, and we tend to belittle our own grief actually. And that's the piece I wanted to talk about more: how we handle other people's grief is how we handle our own.

So yeah. The critical thing about grief is that we grieve things all the time. We grieve age, the loss of a parent, or the loss of a loved one. When we think about grief, we usually think about death, but I would argue that grief comes when we move or lose a job or when our kids go off to college, our kids start school for the first time, or we lose a pet.

With any change or transition, there's some level of grief that occurs with that. And so we need to be giving ourselves and each other a lot more room around it. So the Tim Lawrence argument is that many of us have these little platitudes that we say to make ourselves feel better. And one of those platitudes is everything happens for a reason. So we comfort ourselves when something tragic happens by saying everything happens for a reason, and hopefully, something positive will come out of this. And we just move on. And I would argue that, as human beings, we aren't meant just to move on. We aren't meant to suck it up, soldier on, keep going. We are meant to stop and pause and have a moment of grief. And when my clients come to me, and they're usually pretty high functioning, they have their jobs and their families and are doing okay in life, but they're exhausted and stressed out, and their priorities are all jumbled around.

And usually, it's because there've been a few grief incidents that have happened. Job changes, loss, death, transition that they haven't processed all the way through. And so, giving ourselves that space to process things all the way through is critical. That can happen with a friend that can happen with a therapist; it needs to happen. We need to give ourselves more room to feel the pain, feel the sadness, and stop trying to justify what's going on. And so I see it a lot with myself; I will litany off everything that's going wrong.

I wake up, and I feel sad, and instead of just letting myself feel the sadness, I'll justify why that sadness is. Okay. So I'll go through a litany of this happened, and this happened, and this happened. And then I might let myself feel that sadness for maybe a second. I rush through onto the next thing, saying to myself, suck it up, soldier on, at least you're not as bad as that person.

I think it's a big reason why I hate the phrase "think positive" because I have a powerful, visceral reaction to thinking positive because I think it pulls us out of grief, and a lot of my clients, don't need to think any more positive than they already do.

They're not walking around thinking negatively. They might be walking around feeling negative but not allowing themselves to think it all the way through. The problem isn't that we're a bunch of negative, bitter, and miserable people. The problem is we don't give ourselves room to feel what it is we're feeling at the time.

So we are so inundated with think happier and be grateful and suck it up and move on soldier on. Your attitude is all that matters. And when we do that, we're bristling against what's going on. And our bodies are saying, this is hard right now. This transition is tough. If you're getting ready to send your kid off to college in the next year, or you're looking at a job transition, or even if you're, struggling in your marriage, that stuff's hard stuff, it is full-body contact stuff.

And it requires being present and noticing what's going on and a big exhale of, Oh babe, this is tough right now. And we need to be giving that to ourselves. We need to be giving ourselves that big exhale and allowing ourselves some room around this stuff is hard. Instead of suck it up, soldier on name, the things you're grateful for name, be positive.

All of those mantras, everything happens for a reason. They keep us out of our bodies, and they keep us out of being present to ourselves. My reminder is to be kind to yourself and whatever it is you're going through. Whatever it is you're dealing with right now.

It's okay. It's okay. To feel scared and lost and confused. It's okay not to know what to do next. It's okay to admit that it's okay to go to a work friend and say, I have no freaking clue, and this is happening. I'm overwhelmed. So give yourself that big exhale because that's living happier it is just admitting, Hey dude, this is hard. I'm struggling.

And I'm admitting it right along with you. I appreciate Tim Lawrence for writing that article it inspired a lot of thought for me and my clients and everyone I've talked to about it. So I want to end this segment part with a quote. That was one of my favorites from Pema Chodron,

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem. But the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together, and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again; it's just like that the healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen."

Room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. To me, that is living happier, doing all of that, making room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. And I hope you will allow yourself some room around whatever it is. You're feeling grief around today this week, this month, or this year. Allow yourself some time to fall and some time to come back together again

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: The Five Senses Meditation.

Now, as you probably know, if you know anything about me, I struggle with meditation, but this is a meditation that I actually enjoy doing. It takes just 30 seconds, and you don't even have to close your eyes. Just pause for 30 seconds and get in touch with your senses.

What do you hear? What do you feel? What do you smell? What do you see? And what do you taste? Take 60 seconds and just go through those five questions and I guarantee you, it will, I'll help you live happier.

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Episode 013: Self Help Run Amuck

When the quest to be happier leaves us feeling stuck, exhausted, and unworthy.

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Today I want to talk about self-help. It's an amazingly wonderful industry. The idea that we can learn, grow, and feel better about our lives and become happier through reading a book or listening to a lecture, or even listening to a podcast is wonderful.

However, I know for myself and people who enjoy exploring the self-help world; sometimes, we are stuck in unhealthy patterns and beliefs, just for being a better human being. Every now, and then I'll run into a person and acquaintance a client, even myself, from time to time, and I'll think, yup.

There goes a case of self-help run amok. For me, the phrase self-help run amok is defined as someone who means, well, they have good intentions, but they've grabbed onto one or two self-help concepts and twisted them to mean they aren't good enough. So they twisted these concepts to mean that there's a right way and a wrong way.

And if only they could figure out the right way, all would be well, here's the thing. There is no right way. There are countless ways to do it. What may be the right way for you isn't the right way for someone else. Frequently, if we are looking for the right way, it is a sign of fear paralysis. We don't want to move until we know the right moves, which usually leaves us stuck.

So here are some of my favorite self-help run amuck phrases.

If I think happy, I will be happy.

The concept is being intentional, run amuck. We have been told that we need to pay attention to our thoughts. If we intend it, then it will come. So think positively, and you will feel better.

I agree. There are times we let ourselves become stuck in negative thoughts and negative patterns, and we do need to change those thoughts into more positive thinking. And there are times that we have real pain that we need to deal with. Yes, while I believe when we think happier, we are happier. I also believe we have to put a little work into being happy. The idea that if I think about a hundred dollars, it will suddenly appear in my mailbox is improbable. So too is the thought that if I just think happy. I'll be happy. The concept of happiness isn't a constant thing. It's not like once I figure out happiness, I'll always be happy.

So there isn't anything we can do to be happy consistently. Living happier means that I deal with everything. I deal with the pain. I deal with the joy, and I don't get stuck in one place or the other. So if I'm feeling scared, I allow myself to feel scared. If I'm feeling joy, I allow myself to feel joy. The concept of I can only entertain positive thoughts, or I can only think happy thoughts keep us stuck in false bravado, thinking it does not make us happier.

It makes us miserable because we're missing a whole different section of our life, which is the pain and suffering of being human. And that's okay. Because from that pain comes happiness. It's when we experience all of it, the joy and the pain, that we really can experience living happier. So the concept of, if I think happy, I will be happy is self-help run amuck.

It keeps us stuck in pain and misery that we're not enough because even though we're trying so hard, we're still not happy. So rather than telling yourself, I just need to think positive. Tell yourself I need to give myself a little compassion for whatever it is I'm feeling right now. You need to check-in and say, what am I feeling?

Am I happy? Am I sad? And then be like, yeah, that's what I'm feeling. And that's okay. When we stop forcing ourselves to feel a certain way, that's when we experience living happier. And next on the list.

I need to accept people right where they are.

Yes. I fully believe that we need to accept people where they are. One of my favorite life mottoes is they're doing the best they can with what they have. And that doesn't mean I need to put up with abusive, negative, or hurtful behavior. Accepting someone for who they are and what they're coping with, and the pain they're in doesn't mean I have to take that pain on or be hurt by their pain. Accepting someone for where they are also include:

*Knowing their boundaries.

*Knowing that I need to set boundaries.

*Knowing I need to say no.

I don't need to put up with someone else's journey hurting me. I do need to love people wherever they are, but they don't need to hurt me in the process.

I need to be genuine and honest with everyone. I want to add the words with wisdom to the sentence. So it would say I need to be genuine and honest with everyone using wisdom.

Yes. I believe we need to be grounded and authentic in our lives, but not everyone in this world is safe. Therefore, we need to have a little wisdom with which we share our authentic selves. We can still be genuine and authentic without bearing our souls. We can still own our space.

Bottom line. The goal of self-help is to feel less anxious, be in pain less frequently, and learn how to interact in the world from a place of grounded authenticity. The goal is to live happier. The goal is not to beat ourselves up, open ourselves up to unnecessary pain and feel like we're doing it wrong.

Wake up each morning and be the best you possible. Bring awareness to your pain. Notice your mistakes and move forward. Making amends is necessary. Self-help is a wonderful space to start learning about ourselves. But real growth begins when we can enter the world and interact with loving-kindness with ourselves and those around us.

Knowing when we struggle with that task, we can have curiosity around why and attempt to learn better for the future. So freaking give yourself a break. You're doing the best you can with what you have. And that is a wonderful thing.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Make Space to ask Yourself, What Do I Need Next? This is a great practice to cut down on the draw of the constant, to-do list mentality. The go, go, go. So when we can pause and ask ourselves, what do I need next?

So set a random alarm on your phone, or write a sticky note that sits on your computer. But throughout the day, make space to ask yourself what is it that I need next?

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Episode 012: How to Stop Taking out Your Frustration on Those Closest to you

One of the top reasons my clients come to see me is they want to stop feeling so much frustration and resentment, and most importantly they want to stop taking it out on those they love. In this episode, we discuss tips for taking care of that frustration in other ways.

+ Read the Transcript

It's been a crazy week. My website got hacked earlier, and I was on vacation, and it just was a super crazy time. So it is Saturday afternoon, and I'm just now getting around to my usual Wednesday podcast. So I apologize for the delay. Today I want to talk about easing your frustration or how to stop taking out your frustration on those closest to you.

Last week, I talked about resentment and dealing with hidden resentments and setting boundaries and all that great stuff, which is an awesome podcast. And I hope you can check it out. That's episode 11 and this week. I wanted to talk about, more specifically, how to stop taking out your frustration on those closest to you.

One of the top reasons clients come to see me because they are tired of being angry and frustrated and taking it out on their spouses and kids. And so that is the kind of call to action for them to be like, okay, I need to make some changes because I'm super frustrated and, I don't want to be living a life that, that is this frustrated.

The thing that is fascinating to me is when you meet these women, the last thing you would think is that they're dealing with frustration or anger issues.

Because they are super gentle and sensitive and sweet and kind women, they're super high functioning, and they do a lot of great stuff for their families. And therein lies the rub that, as we talked about last week, they're doing so much for other people that they aren't getting enough healthy boundaries, and they're not taking care of themselves.

They end up taking out that excess frustration on those closest to them. My first bit of wisdom is to go back and listen to episode number 11 to stop this frustration. And then I want to take this conversation a little bit further because it is about boundaries, and it's also about taking care of yourself.

This will not be another episode on self-care, but this will be an episode about paying attention to what you want and what you need. And I've talked about before in previous episodes about dealing with values and setting priorities. Not only is it hard to set a boundary, but sometimes it's hard to figure out where do I need to set a boundary because we get so wrapped up in our to-do lists and the right way of doing things and what we need to do next.

And, we have all these messages that we need to be in charge, and we need to be helping, and we need to be doing, and we don't ever stop and look back and take it, do a check-in with ourselves. And then what happens is by the end of the day, we are so freaking exhausted of doing for everyone else that we tend to take out the frustration on the person that, you know, a, we know who can handle it, but B who deserves it the least.

And so we take out our frustrations on our kids or our partners or those people in our life. We know we can trust, and that's just as unfair. And so this podcast is about paying attention to you. Helping ourselves catch ourselves before we get to that point before we get to the point of, I am so frustrated right now that the next person that walks in the door, I'm just going to unload on them.

And so one of the ways I think to help us get to that point, that has been life-changing for me (and I had a great reminder of it this week in my therapy) was asking myself the question, what do you need next? And that phrase, what do you need next has been a powerful one for me because I don't ask myself that question very often.

You can do the higher, what do I need and what are my values and what's my higher priority here, but at the moment when I'm running from thing to thing, and I have to get to a client meeting, and then after that, I need to run the grocery store. And then after that, I have to make dinner and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, check check.

I don't ask myself, what do I need to do next? Do I need to stop and take a drink of water? Do I need to pay attention to my shoulders here and do 3 deep breaths? Do I need to crank up my music and have a little dance party for 30 seconds? What is it that at this moment I need? And even to put the sticky note (I am a big fan of stickies), what do I need next?

Put the sticky on your computer on your car dashboard to remind you what is it that I need to do next to take care of myself. We get so caught up in what's the right way? How can I get there faster? How can I do this better? I even caught myself earlier this week, I have downloaded the app Waze on my phone, and I absolutely love it.

It is a GPS app that tells you which way to go. And it's usually always accurate, and I will constantly check my route to make sure I'm taking the right way. And sometimes, what I need to do next is get stuck in traffic.

Just sit there and traffic and take some deep breaths. Listen to the music and relax a little bit instead of being this crazy person who's constantly looking for the fastest way to get there. That just isn't always the best way to do it. Paying attention to and asking your question yourself, the question. What do I need to do next? And then having a lot of compassion around whatever that answer is. For many of us, we follow the rules, whether they're actual rules or made-up rules such as, we have to get there the fastest way possible, which is one of my made-up rules. We follow those rules all day long.

And we never really give ourselves the chance to bust out of the rules. We never give ourselves the chance to do something for just ourselves. It's always an obligation or a should, or this is the next thing on the list. And we're running at this pace of whatever we need to be doing next. Instead of asking ourselves, what do I need right now?

Yes, I need to go pick up the kids. And that is the next thing on my list. But I have a minute here that I can figure out what I need to do. And I have a minute where I can give myself a lot of compassion for the fact that I'm feeling frustrated right now. Or that I'm feeling pulled in a thousand different directions, or I'm feeling frustrated at my husband because he isn't stepping up the way I need him to today. Or I can feel compassion for myself that it's okay that I'm angry at my boss.

The first thing is, asking yourself the question, what is it I need next? And then the second thing, as far as this easing your frustrations, is figuring out how many times you say to yourself, I'm furious at my boss, but he's a nice guy, and I know he wants the best for me.

My husband makes me mad. He doesn't even think to empty the dishwasher, and that drives me crazy, but he's a great husband, and he's a good father and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I see it all the time in my office. I do it all the time. We don't give ourselves the freedom to say the complete emotion to say the complete thought to give the whole frustration of voice.

Instead, we stop ourselves. So we censor our frustration, and we censor the emotion around it. And we tell ourselves, Oh, I can't say that because that means I'm a terrible person. Or I can't say that because they'll think I'm evil, or I can't say that for whatever reason. If we say a frustration, that means we're not grateful or whatever.

We have these rules in our heads that we can't hold a frustration all the way through. We have to censor it. And so I want you to be paying attention to how often you do that. How often are you venting to a friend or even saying to yourself, gosh, I just wished my husband would empty the dishwasher once in a while, and then just let yourself be frustrated with that and be like, okay, I'm frustrated. He doesn't empty the dishwasher.

Now, what can I do to make sure that happens better or differently, or easier? How can I bring that up to him? Instead of spinning out on: I hate when my husband doesn't empty the dishwasher, and I should be grateful for him because he does such a great job with the kids. Stop censoring yourself when it comes to your frustrations.

When we censor them, they get pushed further and further down, and then they blow up at the end of the day. So all of a sudden, your husband comes home, and he doesn't know you're frustrated with him about the dishwasher. The dishwasher frustration is like a two on your scale of frustrations, but that's the one that comes out in version 10.

It just comes blowing out of you because you have pushed down all these frustrations all day long, and they come busting at the seams. So that concept of letting yourself vent the frustration, giving yourself compassion around the fact that frustration is there. And then the critical piece, figuring out how to do it differently.

So that frustration doesn't take over your life, figure out how to let the frustration go, how to confront the person about the frustration, or what you can do next to make that frustration less prominent in your life. So I'm not advocating, just complaining to be complaining.

My two tips for easing frustration and how to stop taking the frustration out on those closest to you:

One as you go throughout your day, ask yourself. What do I need next? And actively start making mental notes of what you need, and then stop censoring yourself. So allow yourself to fully vent whatever frustrations you're feeling, whether you're inventing them to someone else or you're venting them to yourself, permit yourself to vent fully.

Then give yourself some compassion figure out what you're going to do with that frustration to make it better. Those are my tips.

When you have figured out all the needs, and you're keeping track of "what do I need to do next?" you might recognize that there are some boundaries you need to be setting.

Okay. These needs can only be met if I start saying no, or these needs can only be met if I start setting some boundaries. When that happens, go back and listen to episode 11 to learn how do I set boundaries in a healthy way? So that is it. I hope that helps.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Take a Break and Be Silly.

This challenge is a great one to take a dance break with your kids, belly, laugh with your partner. There are lots of ways to be silly. And the best news by nature of being silly, you just can't do it wrong. So if you're someone that's trapped like I am in doing it right, there is no right in silly. It's just pure silliness.

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Episode 011: What is Underneath that Resentment?

Feeling resentful or angry all the time or even some of the time?
Tips on dealing with that resentment in a healthy way.

+ Read the Transcript

About a month ago, Brené Brown came out with her fourth book called Rising Strong. This book is specifically about what happens after you have entered the arena. You have dared greatly, and it hasn't gone so well. And I think that affects many of us where we enter the arena, and something goes wrong, and it doesn't go very well. The book has several strategies, and it's packed full of wisdom.

If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it. A piece of the book that got to me was about resentment and boundaries. In the book, Brené tells a story about a time when she failed to set boundaries and felt like she was getting taken advantage of.

The resentment came out at a later spot. Even though she failed to set the boundaries with one person, the resentment came out on another person, and that little piece of wisdom, that little paragraph of a story, really stuck with me. It resonated with me a lot. I think it's common for people who are the people pleasers of the world, who don't want to make anyone feel bad, who don't want to set boundaries, who are just really kind and want to see the best in other people to struggle with this.

What happens is we go along, and we live our lives being kind and generous and over-giving to people, and we lose ourselves. And when we lose ourselves, the first place, it shows up is we start feeling this little level of dissatisfaction and unease, and we start feeling a little questioning is this all there?

Is this could be like a malaise around life and then eventually grows and expands into this resentment that happens to eventually it gets to this full out anger. And I see it a lot in clients. I've seen it in myself where that progression happens. We move from feeling good and happy and over-giving to a place of anger and bitterness and tons of causes for that from childhood issues and control, freakisms, and perfectionism, and people-pleasing..But today, I specifically just want to talk about the power of boundaries and how a lot of times when we're feeling that resentment, it's a chance for us to stop and look and say, okay, where is my life getting a little out of control?

Where do I need to go back and set a boundary and say, okay, enough's enough? I can't give any more here. So that resentment and frustration is a great sign for us to be like Whoa. I have over a given someplace along the line here. I have given too much. And so I need to back up the bus.

A great example of this: let's say you have a friend and you and this friend get together maybe every few weeks. And whenever you get together, it's all about them. And all they do is talk about them. You are taking time away from your busy life to spend time with a friend, and they're just nonstop talking about themselves. And so your resentment builds, and you get outraged, and you come home, and you take it on your spouse, and you start screaming at your spouse about the fact that the kitchen's a mess. When in reality, you're mad at this friend because they're taking advantage of you. You haven't set a healthy boundary around the fact that your time is valuable, and spending all of that time with the friend, when they're just talking about themselves isn't helpful situations like that happen all the time. Or you're at work, and you get called in on a project. You're already overworked and overwhelmed. A co-worker takes one of your ideas as one of their ideas and gets all the credit. And you get home, you yell at your kids, but you're annoyed at this co-worker who didn't give you the proper credit.

So examples like that happened a lot in our lives where we haven't stood up for ourselves, we haven't shown up in the world. We haven't set a boundary and said, Hey, I'm worth this. My work is worth being acknowledged, or my time is worth more than just sitting here at a restaurant that I didn't pick hearing you talk about your ex-boyfriend for the millionth time. We need to get better at standing up for ourselves and setting those boundaries that say, this is what I'm worth. When we start feeling that malaise and that kind of is this all there is. And that level of frustration, sometimes it's important to pay attention and look and be like, okay, where in my life am I just going along mindlessly and not paying attention and not showing up and setting a boundary.

A lot of times, when we are just going along and not showing up. We don't want to speak up for ourselves. And so boundaries are such a rich topic and way longer than my 10-minute podcast. I could do many hours on boundaries because it is a rich and complex subject. That for the people pleasers in the world is very triggering. It's easy to say set a boundary, you speak up for yourself, but the nuance of that is challenging. So today, I'm just going to touch on two pieces around setting boundaries. And so let's take the example of the friend who always speaks just about herself and you like this friend; it's just gotten to this habit where she's in this crappy relationship right now. Now when she's in this cycle of constantly talking about herself and so you want to help her, but also be able to show up yourself. So the two big concepts around boundaries are one is holding the boundary. So just saying it one time isn't going to always work. And the second concept is you aren't responsible for their reaction. So telling your friend, Hey, I love going out with you. I love seeing you once a week, but can we talk about something else this time? Let's do a spouse-free zone. This time, we're just going to talk about work, or we're just going to talk about politics. I don't know, something other than who we are dating right now.

That's a soft, comfortable way of setting a boundary and saying today, let's do it differently. Your friend may plow through that boundary like nobody's business. And so she may jump from politics into something about her ex-boyfriend, and you can lovingly remind her with the holding phase of the boundaries of, Hey today, we're just talking about politics. We're not talking about boyfriends. Let's give that arrest. One of the most challenging conversations I ever had to have was with a friend of mine, and I had to say to her, I can't hear about you. Boyfriend anymore because it just it's ruining our friendship.

I was very point-blank because I had just hit my maximum capacity for that. And I said I love you. And, to keep this relationship going, we need to take a break from talking about this. I may, we may be able to come back to it, but right now, we've just been repeating the same stuff over and over again, and I'm not helping you anymore.

That friend was fortunately very receptive and understood and realized that she was. Beating the subject to death, and we were able to take a break from it. And then we came back, and we talk about our boyfriend all the time now. Once she got over the hump of, okay, I'm just repeating this in cycles. She was able to unhook, and we could come back and be, talking about all kinds of things. In this friendship, the first thing is that you're going to have to hold that boundary and be firm with it. Often, we feel resentment towards something we realize we need to set a boundary, we go and set the boundary, and then they run right over it, and we let them. The boundary never gets set.

First, it's holding the boundary. Then the second piece, as I said, is realizing you can't control their emotional reaction. And this is hard for the people pleasers out there because we want to set the boundary and have them be like, okay, got it. Totally. That's great. No problem. And rarely does that happen now and then it does, like I said, with my friend, but rarely does it happen. And a lot of times, if you say to the friend who talks all the time about her boyfriend, Hey, can we just talk about politics? And she's sure, that sounds great. And then she plows over your boundary, and you bring it back and say, okay, no, we just said, we're going to talk about politics today. She might say, why, what is going on? You hurt my feelings. I'm really upset. She may start to cry because she wants to talk about her boyfriend and continue the same. That's where we need to recognize, they can have their emotions, and I can still have my emotions too. So your friend could be upset. She can be upset about the fact that she wants to talk about her boyfriend. She could be upset about the fact that you're calling her selfish. She can be upset that these meetings aren't going to go the way she wants them to. In the moment, she can have that reaction, and you can have the reaction of, I love you. And I just can't keep doing this. Both reactions are fabulous. Both reactions are fine and wonderful.

When you leave the restaurant, and you go home, She may have a different reaction. So she may be like, she's right. I am stuck on this ex-boyfriend. I can't get past him. I do need to move on. And I don't know what's going on in her life because all I do is talk about this ex-boyfriend. She may have the initial reaction to being upset and then come around to totally understanding.

That's where it's important to recognize your resentment towards this friend is not helping the friendship. The only way to help the friendship is to set the boundary; if you want the friendship to continue without resentment, you have to set a boundary. You have to speak up and tell your friend. Many times, we just coast along and accept the unacceptable because we're afraid that the other person will get upset. Or we're afraid we're going to hurt their feelings, and feelings come and go. We have an initial reaction to a feeling, and then we may move along and grow from that.

So people-pleasers, a lot of times, we assume in our control freakness ways that the other person can never get past it. But if they have a negative emotion, they will never move beyond it. And that's not always the case. That's right. We move and grow, and we can change all the time. We need people around us that lovingly push us along.

That is my brief lesson. As I said, I could talk about this for a very long time about resentment and boundaries. I think paying attention to when resentment shows up in your life. Checking in to see, okay, do I need to set a boundary here? And then when you go to set the boundary, recognizing that you probably are going to have to hold it and set it repeatedly. Then to recognize that the other person is allowed to have a reaction that's unpleasant around you, setting a boundary and you are allowed to have the opposite reaction. That's okay. There is room for growth.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Taking a Vacation from Electronics.

Pick one evening and just go on an electronics vacation, put your phone down, turn off your computer, put away the iPad. Just be present without your electronics for one evening. If that's too easy, try it for one day of your weekend or one day when you're off work.

I don't want to get you in trouble with work, but I want you to see life without constant electronics. I am amazed at my own life, how addicted I am to my phone, and how ever-present it is in my life. When I get anxious, the first thing I reach for is my phone. So it's a great ritual challenge.

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Episode 010: Lies We Tell Ourselves About Stress

Looking at the messages we tell ourselves that keep us stuck in a pattern of stress…how is stress serving you?

+ Read the Transcript

Welcome to this podcast, where I share my stories and lessons. I've learned on my quest to live happier. Today we're going to be talking about lies we tell ourselves about stress.

Now let's get into the show. So in episode eight, just a couple of weeks ago, I talked about reducing strategies for reducing stress and enhancing energy. And in that podcast, I talked specifically about the messages we have around stress. And since then, I've been doing some presentations about reducing stress. And I've been talking about reducing stress in my own life. And I realized that these messages that we tell ourselves around stress are lies that help keep us stressed. So some of the messages we tell ourselves are:

*This is how it's supposed to be.

*Life is stressful.

*You just have to get through it.

*Or grin and bear it,

*or it's better to be busy than not.

*I get more done. The more stressed I am.

*Or my favorite. Just be grateful.

So today, I want to dive into those messages individually and discuss how they keep us stressed and why they are such lies.

So somewhere, we've been raised to have these beliefs that good people are stressed. Stress equals having a lot to do; stress equals staying out of trouble. Stress equals being productive. Stress equals being a good member of society.

Stress does not equal that. That is a bald-faced lie. Stress is not how it's supposed to be.

We are not supposed to be running from thing to thing. It is not a badge of honor that we only get four hours of sleep or that we have to drink wine at the end of the day. And then a cup of coffee at the beginning of the day. That is not a good sign of where we're headed.

Stress is chronic. It causes so many health problems, so many mental health problems. It is the reason that I have full practice because people are stressed, and they're looking for answers on how to stop being stressed. But at the same time, Part of the reason my job is so hard is that we get off on being stressed.

We get a kick out of being stressed. Not really. We hate it. We hate that. It gives us headaches. We hate that it hurts our backs. We hate that we're running from thing to thing, but at the same time, there's a big part of us that has these messages around grinning and bearing it. Or it's better to be busy than not. And the killer, we get more done the more stressed we are. I don't know how many times I've heard that from my friends, from my clients. Even I have said it; I'm more productive the more stressed I am, the closer we get to a deadline, the more productive we are. And so we have this misnomer that we get more done when we're freaked out.

When in reality, we get more done when we're relaxed, and we're focused, and we're concentrating on something. I want to bring some attention to how often you tell yourself a lie around being stressed.

The killer one is the be grateful. I talked about that in a previous episode of this podcast, the being grateful and how it keeps us stuck, but it also keeps us stressed, and you will hear a lot of other people will say that being grateful is the key to releasing stress and releasing worry.

At least we're going to be grateful. But I sometimes think it works. Not even sometimes. I know it works in the other way that a lot of times be great grateful forces us keeps us stuck in stress. So I'm going through my day. I have a thousand things on my to-do list. I'm like, Oh, I wish I wasn't so busy. I wish I wasn't so stressed.

Be grateful. At least you have kids. Be grateful. At least you have all this time and money to spend running from thing to thing. Be grateful. At least you have a job. And that be grateful piece that is just killer because then not only am I really stressed now I'm supposed to be grateful about it.

And that's a kick in the head. I'm supposed to be grateful for being stressed. Being grateful has nothing to do with being stressed. And it is not a way to talk us down. It has been abused. It has been overused. The point of being grateful is for us to pause and stop and look up and see what's around us.

So I'm running around from thing to thing. And I'm crazy stressed. Gratitude should be stepping in when I'm looking up at the sky, and I'm like, Oh, it's a beautiful day. Oh, it's really nice outside. Oh, the sun is shining. Oh, look at my child. My little girl's smiling in the back seat.

That's gratitude. Gratitude. Isn't suck it up and keep going and be grateful. Gratitude isn't put a smile on your face. It could be worse. Gratitude is when we stop, and we enjoy, and we look around, and we see what's out there. That's gratitude. So I think gratitude has really been twisted and demented that we're supposed to be grateful for these terrible things that are happening to us.

I've had people say to me about my dad having Parkinson's with dementia that I should be grateful for what the disease brings. Okay. That's a bit of a stretch that disease does not bring a lot of things that I'm grateful for. That disease has not given me many things I'm grateful for, but there are things around that situation that I can be grateful for.

I can be grateful for the time I get to spend with my dad. I can be grateful for the conversations that we have when he's with it. I can be grateful that I have the time to spend with him. And that time can be stressful, and I need a lot of breaks from it, and it's overwhelming, and I'm angry about it and all the other things that go with it.

So when we use be grateful as a way for us to basically be telling ourselves to stop and shut up, that's when being grateful becomes a problem. As you can tell, I have a lot to say about the phrase, be grateful. The other killer one is, better to be busy than not, or again, more done. The more stressed I am.

And I touched on that one already, but the belief system that if I'm not pushing myself super hard, if I'm not driving myself from thing to thing, I'm going to be less productive, or I'm going to be less of a person, or I'm going to not be worth it. What are we going to do? If we're not pushing ourselves, we're going to sit on the couch and eat Reesie cups all day long.

I don't think so. That would get a little boring. I think we're still going to get a lot done. I think we're just going to get a lot done a lot less stressed. So my challenge is to really be paying attention to how often those messages we have around stress and exhaustion and the secret pride that we take in being stressed and exhausted and gradually unhooking those, because it isn't, like I said, in episode eight, it isn't that we don't know how to relieve stress there.

I believe it's these messages that are keeping us stuck in stress because we get so much out of it. When we have the belief that it's better to be busy than not, why would we ever stop being busy? Now the other messages, if I stop, I will be completely lazy, and I will never do anything. And I think that really gets us into trouble because that keeps us riding on this treadmill.

That is our lives of stress and exhaustion. And so sometimes when we have these messages, I believe, and I know it true for me, it's that I don't want to stop moving because I'm afraid of what's going to come up. I don't want to get off the treadmill. I don't want to stop obsessing about my to-do list because that to-do list is a way that I numb out that stress and that running from thing to thing is a way I avoid the emotions and what's really going on in my life. And I see it with my clients too. The busier we are, the more we're pushing ourselves. Usually, that's a sign that there's something pretty big in our lives that we're trying to avoid. So I know when I am super amped up and super, the to-do list is way huge, and I've packed a bunch of stuff on it.

That's a time when I need to even more. So be pausing. Checking in and seeing what's there, even though it's the last thing I want to do, I don't want to stop when I'm that busy. I want to keep going. I'm running really hard and really fast from something that I'm afraid to face. And what happens is when we stop running, and we turn around, and we actually face that emotional hole, it's never as big as we think it's going to be.

It's never as huge as we think it's going to be always. It's better to face the hole than to keep running ourselves into the ground. So this week, I really want you to be paying attention to what are those messages that are keeping you in stress? What are the beliefs you have that are keeping you in stress?

And are you running from something? Is your stress keeping you from facing what's really going on in your life? Maybe it's keeping you from facing just the fact that you're unhappy or you're unfulfilled, or you don't like your job, or your relationship isn't where you thought it would be, or your kids or you're stressed about them getting into college, or you're stressed about them getting through the eighth grade or whatever.

We all have stress, and that's okay. We all have emotions, and those emotions are okay. But when we're using our stress and our to-do list to numb from those emotions, that's when we get into trouble.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Take a Walk

This one might not be much of a challenge, but take some time to get outside, breathe, look up at the beautiful blue sky and the changing leaves if you live near changing leaves. And I'm amazed how a simple walk around the block can just change my thoughts and my attitude.

It can help me reduce stress tenfold, just stopping and breathing and looking around. Okay.

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Episode 009: Dealing with the First Responder

 Tips on how to deal with your first responders AKA shame, inner critic, bully, mongers, gremlins etc.

+ Read the Transcript

Tips for dealing with the First Responder:

Remind yourself that it is probably a First Responder. When our Mongers jump in guns blazing, lovingly remind yourself that it is just a First Responder trying to keep things safe and secure.

Remind yourself of the old saying 'first thought wrong.' Frequently when you can tell yourself that the first thought is wrong, you can then ask yourself to come up with a new thought. This new thought should be an easy, loving phrase that you can repeat to yourself in order to remind yourself that you are ok. Such as, "I got this." "Self-care is ok." "I am qualified and competent."

Remember, courage is not the absence of fear. Anytime we make a change, we are going to be scared and fearful. Our Mongers serve us by pointing out where bad things might be happening (admittedly, their approach is at times quite mean); it is our job to chose to listen or not. Remind yourself that you have a choice. You don't have to accept everything they say at face value.

Basically, we are all driving our own bus, and our passengers are our Mongers. Our job as the bus driver is to be clear on our destination, and the Monger's job as the passengers are to keep us safe and protected and, therefore, to basically stop the bus. As we are driving the bus, one by one, the Mongers will come up to the front of the bus and let us know why we shouldn't continue to our destination. They will take turns giving their particular reason as to why we should stop the bus. Each Monger has a different job, self-doubt, 'who do you think you are,' fear, or 'you can't do that (to name a few). Our job as the bus driver is to be really clear about our destination, not listen to the Mongers and keep driving the bus.

I love this analogy because the number one way I have found to deal with the Mongers is to physically acknowledge and diminish their power. This bus driving analogy gives me an easy—practical, visual and physical way of acknowledging and diminishing. In my own world, the Mongers tend to come out and play more when I am trying to write. As I sit down to write and begin my process, I will eventually be inundated with 'you can't do that,'' who are you to write that, 'you have had no real training.' And before I know it, the last thing I want to do is write, and I find myself sitting in front of the TV watching Real Housewives. Recently I have tried this visual as I have been writing. When I am sitting at my computer, it is like I am driving the bus, and as the Mongers come up to whisper in my ear, I can turn to them and ask them to take their seat and visualize them returning because I am driving to the completed book destination!!

Having this image in my head, combined with the physical act of turning and telling the Monger to sit down, has made a HUGE difference in both my writing and my Monger defeating.

Remind yourself of what is most important to you. Check-in with your wise self to find out what type of life you want to be living and whether the actions you are taking fit that life. If the answer is yes, and you are still getting hammered by your Monger, return to lovingly reminding your Monger of your priorities.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Savor a Meal

Pick one meal each day and savor it. Take the time to sit down and enjoy the meal. Savor each bite, pay attention to how it tastes and feels in your mouth.

Too often we rush through our meals and multi-task through them. This week try to savor at least one meal a day.

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Episode 008: Reducing Stress and Enhancing Energy

 Reducing Stress and Enhancing Energy is the most popular topic for my speaking engagements. The problem is we know how to reduce stress. We just don't do it. In this podcast, I look at, why that is the case and what we can do about it.

+ Read the Transcript

Welcome to this podcast, where I share my stories and lessons I've learned and continue to learn on my quest to live happier.

So first off, I have to apologize. My voice is a little funky. I'm getting over a cold, and it just keeps hanging on. It's not making me any happier, but I'm recording anyway and powering through.

If I sound a little stuffy, that would be why. So today, we're gonna talk about reducing stress and enhancing energy. And one of the main reasons I wanted to talk about it is because it's by far the most popular topic for any of my speaking engagements. So if I get called to do a speaking gig, it's usually around this topic and the issue I have with this topic, and I love this topic, but the issue I have with it is that We know how to reduce stress.

We know how to relax. We know what we need to be doing. We're just not doing that. So in this podcast, I want to look at why that is the case and what we can do about it. The concept of self-care is not a new one. Watch the today show any morning, and they have something on self-care. Watch Oprah, pick up a magazine everywhere we look; there are tips for us on how we can reduce stress, we know to breathe.

We know when you eat, we know we need to exercise. We know we need to sleep, but we're not doing that. And so it's not so much a lack of knowledge. It's really a lack of implementation. And so then when there's a lack of implementation, you really gotta look at why what's underneath that what's really going on.

And so we all know. But the glorification of busy the glorification of busy is pervasive in this society. So we gain status from less sleep. The longer to lists, the busier that our lives are you. It's counter-cultural to value peace and space in our time. Facebook is filled with posts about memes, about valuing peace and space.

And we all want that. And we all think it's great, but none of us are really doing it. And there's really a commonplace that we feel shame and guilt around when we're not busy. There's a competition around how little sleep I got six hours. I only had to do it in four. Or how long were you were at work or how How late we stayed up or how little we've eaten or any of that stuff.

The glorification of busy really is a challenge to us in the idea of reducing stress and enhancing energy because it is hard to go against the culture to say "no" to say, "I don't want to do that," to say "I'm gonna take some time for myself." So for me, I know that just the proactive approach doesn't really help in reducing stress.

I'm not real great at Taking care of myself proactively, but I am much better at being reactive to my stress than I used to be. I'm much better about paying attention to when I'm stressed and then working in some stress-reducing behaviors. And as I've done that more and more in my life, stress becomes less and less because I can nip it in the bud.

So much faster. So there are three things that I really pay attention to. One is, and I'm gonna talk about each of these in a little more detail, but one is, what are my stress behaviors? The second is what are my messages around stress? And the last one is what are my stress triggers? So what are the things that cause me stress?

And I have a great handout on stress triggers, but let's go back to what are your stress behaviors? If you start paying attention to what are the things you do when you're stressed? Once you start noticing, these are the things I do when I'm stressed; then you can start implementing a stress-reducing activity, which, as I said, we already know eating right sleeping, going on a walk doing meditation or mindfulness activity breathing.

We know what we need to do just in stress. And one of the ways. To implement that is to be more reactive around our stress behaviors. So stress behaviors can be numbing with food, alcohol, work, TV, shopping, stress behavior can be to go, go, go. That is my favorite stress behavior. So the more stressed I am, the more, the harder I push myself, which is really counterintuitive.

And I know a lot of especially women, have that mentality of I'm just going to keep pushing so I can keep getting a lot accomplished. And so we pushed down what it is we're stressed about, and we just go. Even when we're exhausted, that's a stress behavior. When we have physical headaches, stomach aches, chest backaches, those are all stress behaviors.

So the minute I notice since mine is go, go, go that I am pushing myself. I now know to ask myself, Whoa, what's going on. You're a little overwhelmed. Let's back that up a little bit. And do some deep breathing or let's back that up for a little bit and do some stretches or let's back that up a little bit and go for a walk.

When I noticed that I'm numbing out to the TV and playing on my iPad at the same time, I might be like, okay, let's put that down and pick up a book or let's do some journaling and pay attention to what's really going on here. So noticing your stress behaviors and then being able to work it backward into a stress reduce reducing activity is a great way to enhance energy.

Another one. That's a big one for a lot of us. So one of our messages around stress. For a lot of people, the reason we're not reducing stress is because stress is a pride point. So one of our attitudes around stress is life is stressful. You just have to get through, or this is how it's supposed to be, or grit and Barrett or better to be busy than not.

Or one of the worst is I get more done. The more stressed I am. So if you have those messages around stress, it's really important to notice. When those start getting triggered. Cause they usually get triggered. The more stressed we are. So we convince ourselves that it's not okay to take a break. It's not okay to stop because life is stressful, and you just have to get through, or it's better to be busy than not.

Or we get more done, the more stressed we are. And so the more we push on those messages, the more stressed we get. So it's really important to notice how you feel when you're engaging in self-care or when you're practicing mindfulness. What are those messages that come up that, that tell you, keep pushing those messages around stress can be really detrimental to reducing stress?

So when you notice those messages, that's the time to be reactive and put in a stress-reducing activity. And then the last one of the three is, what are your stress triggers and what are the behaviors, the tasks, events that cause you the most stress. And I actually have a great worksheet that I will attach to the website.

live-happier.com backslash podcast that talks about these stress triggers and really helps you get a handle on it because I believe the number one way to deal with stress. And the theme of all of this is to be intentional. And when you're intentional about how you spend your time, what your priorities are what's most important to you.

You can plan your day better and manage that stress a little better. So this inventory exercise that I have. I call it how full is your glass? And if you think of your life, energy, like water in a glass, you can, and as you go through the day, you have things that totally deplete your glass that leave you feeling less energized and miserable.

And you have things that fill your glass up. And throughout the day, you have those things they're doing that are filling you up and those things that are depleting you. And then there's a middle category that I think is really important. And that category is the things that don't really change the energy level of your glass very much, but they just leave you feeling peaceful and calm.

This is like your spouse or your partner or your best friend, someone who's there for you. You're there for them. And they don't really ever take too much or give too much. It just evens out the level. And so it's nice to have those people that we can just be around, and we don't have to worry about giving, or we don't have to worry about getting, we're just being. So this inventory is really awesome on two levels.

It's awesome on a macro level because it helps you look at the big picture of your life. And a lot of times, when my clients do this exercise, they recognize how much of their lives is being depleted energetically. And so they're engaging in a lot of what I call obligation tasks, and obligation tasks are those that We do out of obligation, and we don't have to do them.

There are definitely things we all have to do, but there are some things that we tell ourselves that we should do that really, we don't have to be doing them. And so to make, be asking which of these obligation tasks can I get rid of which of these tasks? And I give someone else to do, which of these obligation tasks are just tests that I'm telling myself are important, and they're really not.

So getting a handle on the big picture of your life and then on a micro level, getting a handle on the day-to-day. So what activities can you add to your day that will fill your glass up again? And how can you be more mindful of your glass throughout the day? So when you look at the day, when I have a day that I know is going to be particularly draining all day, then I make sure at the end of the day I add in something that's going to fill me back up.

So I make sure I have, at the end of a crappy day, I might make sure I have a date night planned with my husband or at the end of the crappy day. I know there's a TV show that I'm going to look forward to watching or at the end of a crappy day. I know At the end of a draining day, in particular, I know that I'm going to have a good book that I'm going to be reading, something that is treating myself kindly.

That's going to help bring that stress level back down and enhance my energy. I think that's key is asking yourself throughout the day, how full is my glass light? Right now, where is my energy level? It really can help you reduce stress and enhance energy. So, in summary, when it comes to reducing stress and enhancing energy, I think it's really important to remind yourself that you know how to reduce stress and enhance energy.

You know what to do to be more in control of your life. It's about being reactive to when you're feeling stressed and implementing some stress, reducing behaviors—so paying attention to those triggers and those behaviors and your attitudes about stress and where your glorification of busy is falling into play.

And it's also about paying attention to, how full is your glass? It's where your intentions are and your priorities, and what's your energy level going to be for the day. And how can you add in some stuff to make your energy better, to make your stress less? That's what it's all about—being intentional about your day, your stress level.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Setting an intention for the day.

So at some point, before you get too crazy with your day, take three deep breaths and set an intention for the day. You can do this before you get out of bed each morning; before you get out of your car to walk into work; as you pour your morning coffee. I don't care when as long as you're clear and setting an intention.

Sticky notes are really going to be helpful for this one. Whether you need one to remind you to set an intention or to remind you what the intention is. Some of the intentions, examples can be compassion or kindness or breathe, move towards peace, speak up for myself, show up and be brave or be vulnerable.

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Episode 007: The Secret to Living Happier...Values

For years, I have been saying that it all comes down to values. Once you know your values you CAN live happier and while I try to live this on a daily basis, it wasn't until recently that I re-affirmed how important values truly are.

+ Read the Transcript

Last week, I wrote a blog post about a professional failure. To make a long story short, I have a place I call the Live Happier Loft, and a little over a year ago, I opened the space because I wanted to have a place where people (specifically women) could gather and have workshops and small groups. In short, the workshop concept hasn’t taken off, but my one-on-one practice is booming! So, currently, I am in the process of figuring out ways to tweak the business model to make it work better.

Admittedly the past year has not been an easy one for a variety of reasons. And I have gone through a variety of emotions; believe me, it has been a roller coaster.

Great, you might be saying to yourself, so what is the live happier lesson in all of this; well, it was a surprising one, and it all comes down to values.

For years I have been saying that it all comes down to values. Once you know your values, you CAN live happier, and while I live this on a daily basis, this recent debacle with my business has called on me to live it in a whole new way and to re-affirm how important values are.

So one of the tenets of marketing your business is or any type of self-help/coaching/guruesque business is “never let them see you sweat.” So for most of last year, I acted like the Loft was doing great. I talked up the workshops I share about what great things were happening there. For the record, I never lied and pretended like there were people there when there weren’t, but I did talk up what a great book club discussion we had when it was only a friend and me.

It came around for me to do the TYA classes---I had done these before, and they had gone ok, and I was hoping for big success with the 2nd eight weeks. And I was met with a wondrous thud of nothing. Few sign up, and not much buzz at all. I was talking about all this with my husband, and he asked what about this process stressed me SO much that I hated it. And I couldn’t put my finger on it. Some of it was I felt like a failure, but most of it was that I felt like a liar. Now let me go back and say one of my key values is integrity. I place a high value on integrity. The idea of what you see is what you get and being transparent and authentic. All of this ‘hey everything is great even though no one is coming’ stuff had slowly taken a chunk out of me. I had grown to HATE the place I loved. And it was because I wasn’t living by my values.

I was doing my work and doing what I was TOLD to do by the marketing experts, but to me, it felt false and inauthentic. Not at all what I teach about Living Happier and not at all how I want to lead my business. So last week, I wrote a blog where I shared with the public the truth, that I wasn’t getting a lot of signups, and I was nervous about that and blah blah blah. Usually, when I press send on my blog, I am worried, what will people think? Did I say too much etc. This blog I didn’t even think twice. I pressed send, and off it went, and I was completely at peace, back to that living by your values stuff.

This living by your values isn’t easy; it isn’t for the faint of heart. It is a full-contact sport. It is saying THIS is what I prioritize highest in my life, and this is what I want to stand or and be about. And the amazing thing was my body was telling me that all along. My body was saying, hey, you aren’t living by your values. I had felt that before in crappy relationships or bad jobs. What if we all lived by what we felt was most important to us? Made decisions from our hearts and not our heads? Mass chaos or responsible, heart-centered living?!?! It would be fun to find out.

When we know our values, we can make decisions about relationships, careers, as well as everyday interactions. When we can name the top five things, we value we will know what ‘fits’ and what doesn’t ‘fit’ into our lives. The struggle with values is coming up with YOUR authentic values. There are many other types of values that show up for us.

Blocking our Authentic Values:

Old Values: What you valued in your 20s might not fit today. I know I valued Status, Appearance, and Recognition a lot more in my 20s. Those values might be around today, but nowhere near my top 5 values. So it is important to check in from time to time and make sure that your values are still current.

Other People’s Values: The power of the SHOULD is so amazing. As we grow up, we learn values from clergy, friends, family, teachers, and coaches, so sometimes it is hard to let those go. For example, your father values loyalty, so he worked at the same employer for 30+ years and encouraged you to do the same. However, maybe you value learning, and you have learned all you can from your current employer, even though you have only been there for five years, and want to find another employer where you can continue to learn and grow.

Then there are the types of values that make living from our authentic values challenging.

Challenging to our Authentic Values

Aspirational Values: These are the values you WANT to have. You aspire towards them. It is ok to have these values in your top 5 list. For example, I have integrity on my list of top 5 values. It is something I strive for every day to be authentic and live a life of integrity, AND there are times I fail at this value. By saying that is my value, I need to make sure I am conscious of when I am not aspiring towards that value–Brené Brown calls this Minding The Gap between our aspirations and our practice.

Conflicting Values: Conflicting values mean you value two or three completely opposite things. When you have conflicting values, it is even more important to look at your life as a whole. If you value family and independence, it is important to make time for both. Make sure you have activities that feed both parts of you, the independent and family-oriented person. If you have conflicting values, you just need to be a little more creative in finding ways to support both values.

Make decisions from our hearts and not our heads; mass chaos or responsible, heart-centered living?!?! It would be fun to find out.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Drink a glass of water first thing after you wake up.

Sounds easy enough, but too often, we reach for coffee or tea or pop rather than good old-fashioned water. You can still have your coffee but do the water first. Slowly take 30 seconds to drink a glass of water and just think about the day ahead.

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Episode 006: Making Lasting Change: Closing the Loop

The process of making change involves making mistakes, which is followed then by shame, guilt, and fear. Closing the loop looks at how to move through the process so that real change can occur.

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One of the greatest lessons I learned from working with Brené Brown’s teaching is the concept of resilience. We are all building resilience against fear, shame, anxiety, or whatever negative thought process we have. The kicker is we aren’t going to MASTER these processes; we are going to build resilience around them. Discovering that mastery isn’t going to happen allows me to practice more self-compassion when shame, doubt, and fear take over.

So many of us want to learn the lesson and move on. We want to master the concept and never again be taunted by Mongers, Shame or Fear. But that is not how it works. The key to Mongers, shame and fear, is not mastery (because that just doesn’t exist). The key is building resilience; or shortening the Loop as I call it.

The Loop is the timeframe from when you notice that you have gone off track (experienced disappointment and failure) to when you implement your support team and coping mechanisms.

Growth occurs as this Loop gets smaller and smaller. The quicker our response time from failure and disappointment through shame into making a different choice, the more we will make change in our lives.

REMEMBER, even loop closing is not a linear concept... Some days you will be really good at closing the Loop, and some days you will the Loop will drag on and on. That is ok. All of this is a practice.

Whether you want to change a habit, attitude, or behavior, there is a PROCESS to change that inevitably involves disappointment and failure. So how do you move beyond that?

Clarity:

The first step is to get extreme clarity on what you are changing and how this behavior shows up and to pick a few small areas of your life where you can implement changes.

Awareness:

Building awareness involves noticing when you engage in the behavior and intentionally making a different choice.

Disappointment Failure occurs when it doesn’t go as planned

Shame/Guilt/Etc inevitably follow

Compassion:

You are Clear on what you need to change, and you are aware that you are backsliding and losing focus. You are engaging in the “putting

Curiosity:

You have successfully navigated your shame and mongers, and now you are ready to work your way back up and close the gap.

You start asking yourself WHY it went so south AND what action you can take to do it differently next time.

Make New Decision/Plan:

After your curiosity session, you realize maybe you are “biting off more than you can chew” with this one. So you decide to re-visit clarity and make a new plan.

Spiraling Up:

Something we tend to forget about life lessons is that we keep learning more and more until we have them mastered. I call this phenomenon spiraling up. Spiraling up means we might come back to the lesson, and it might FEEL like we are re-learning the same lesson, but really, we are experiencing it at a new level with new insight, a new situation, a new challenge. And then, when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.

When you think about life lessons as spiraling up, it gives a new perspective. While we do repeat lessons, we don’t unlearn all we have implemented before. We repeat the lesson one step up with a new perspective, new challenges, and new information that we didn’t have the last time the lesson came into our lives. So the next time you have a sense of deja vu when it comes to a life lesson, don’t beat yourself up. Remind yourself that you are just spiraling up. Then remind yourself all you have learned about this topic.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Find the furthest parking spot

As you are running errands, pulling into work, or basically anywhere, there is a giant parking lot. Avoid the temptation to circle until you find the closest spot. Instead, park as far away as possible. As you are walking to your destination, intentionally slow down, watch your breath and pay attention to what is happening around you.

As someone who tends to rush through errands or rush on to the next thing, this practice helps me slow down and be more present with what is around me. Any time I can add an easy way to reconnect with myself, it is a win for me. I hope it is as helpful for you!

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Episode 005: Life is More than a Pinterest Quote

The world of self-help is inundated with messages about GOING BIG and DREAMING BIG...BE ADVENTUROUS…and it got me wondering when did big get to be the line in which we measured our happiness?

+ Read the Transcript

A few months ago, I had a new client come into my office. We were talking about her life and the changes she wanted to make. And she said to me, “I get so discouraged when I see those Pinterest quotes…want my life to be that...you know...’ live your big dreams, ‘go BIG or go Home’ etc.” “I feel like life passed me by, and I want to do something BIG.” “I want to chase my BIG dreams, move to Paris, be a graphic designer.” But I missed my chance.

As we talked, she shared that a big regret was not finishing her degree in design, she was happily married, and her kids were old enough that she didn’t need to be around ALL THE TIME.

Which left her with a lot of time to think and ponder what’s next. In short, She was feeling lost and overlooked, and when she looked online for answers, the answer was GO BIG.

The world of self-help is inundated with messages about GOING BIG and DREAMING BIG...BE ADVENTUROUS…and it got me wondering when did big get to be the line in which we measured our happiness? Through our work together, we talked about the definition of the word BIG and what that meant for her, and how that would show up in her life.

Eventually, her BIG dreams got clearer--and it turned out that they weren’t so big anymore. She realized what she really wanted was to show up in her life. She had lived for everyone else for so many years, and that had created a great life, but now she wanted to live her life.

The cry of moving to Paris seemed like an easier way to blow it all up than the slow, painstaking approach of showing up. It turns out the BIG change was making small little choices to show up every single day. So over time, we worked on helping her speak up in her relationship and start showing up in small ways in her life (asking for what she needed, saying no, and setting boundaries).

She finished her degree in graphic design and working for a small start-up Marketing company doing design work part-time. At least that is what GOING BIG means for her --dreams, gusto, and adventure all change over time. She said to me recently, “I feel WAY more adventurous now than if I had moved because showing up fully in my life is hard... someday I might want to do something BIG AND BOLD and CRAZY with my husband, but when that time comes, I know I will not be moving in search of something I am moving simply to see something different.”

Sometimes when life gets challenging, and we don’t know what to do next, the temptation is to Blow it All Up, but that point of thinking maybe blowing it up isn’t the answer, is when the real adventure begins. I remember in my early 30s, I too wanted to live the Pinterest quotes (although there was no Pinterest at that time).

But I wanted to do something big with my life. I traveled to Peru with a group of strangers. I drove solo across the country twice (once to the east coast and once to the west coast). Finally, I decided I wanted to move to Portland, Oregon; I wanted to take a BIG BOLD ADVENTURE.

One day while a friend and I were driving around Portland, touring to see if it was a good idea to move there. I pointed at the back of a car and said, “I can’t wait until I have an Oregon license plate on my car because THEN I will be happy. THEN I will know that I have lived my big adventure.” She simply smiled and nodded.

Over time, like my client, I realized that living my big adventure had nothing to with moving to Portland (although it is still one of my favorite cities). The adventure of Portland wasn’t going to ‘fix me. The adventure of Portland was just that, an adventure. But another equally adventurous decision was to stay in Columbus and show up for my life. To learn how to speak my needs to my friends and family, to set healthy boundaries and stop saying yes to everything, to fully show up in my life as me, vulnerable, imperfect me. Because in Portland, I would still be me---different city, same baggage.

A few years after I decided not to move to Portland, my friend gave me a present. It was an Oregon license plate.

As I opened it, I smiled, and she looked at me and said, “Just wanted to remind you that THIS license plate isn’t what makes you happy. You make you happy.” That license plate sits in my office to remind me every day that for me GOING BIG means fully SHOWING up for my life: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Don’t get me wrong; I love a good adventure. I love big risk-taking, adrenaline-pumping adventures. But somewhere along the way, we were sold a bill of good that adventure and risk are directly correlated to being better people; that a great life is only achieved by living great adventures, which means taking big risks and doing great things.

But I am here to argue, sometimes doing big means,

Being fully present and empathetic when your child comes home from a bad day when you are exhausted yourself.

Telling your spouse that you are struggling and need some time to decompress. Even after you were invited to a neighbor’s happy hour, and he really wants you to go.

Holding the hand of your aging parent, looking them in the eyes, and telling them how much you love them as your heart breaks wide open.

Admitting to a friend that you can’t do it all anymore.

Giving yourself self-compassion for the hard time you are having at work.

One quote that gets tossed around in the world of Pinterest is from Thoreau “I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life”

What I truly love is Professor Keating’s clarification of Thoreau’s quote in Dead Poet’s society. “Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone. There is a time for daring, and there is a time for caution. A wise man understands which is called for.” That is the challenge of vulnerability, trusting yourself to know when to be open and when to be cautious.

The point is we have a choice.

Our lives aren’t necessarily Pinterest quotes. But our lives are uniquely ours. How do you want to show up in yours?

Today think about where could you be more open to life, where could you tear down some walls and allow some light in? Where could you drop the illusion of control and relax a bit into your humanity?

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Episode 004: Feeling your Feelings: The Street Fight

Sometimes the idea of feeling our feelings is a full-on street fight. Learn my love-hate relationship with this phrase and how doing it has changed my life.

+Read the Transcript

A common activity is chasing the next chance of happiness. I do it all the time; I am having a bad day, so I think what fun thing can I make for dinner or what cool thing can we watch on TV. Before I was trying to save money, the idea would be what new dress can I buy or when can I get a new haircut?

These days I notice this looking for a future happiness reward as a sign that I need to stop, get quiet and see what is really going on. It is a sign that I am not paying attention to myself right now, and I need to be curious about why I need a reward.

This is where the concept of feel your feelings comes into play. If we don’t feel our feelings, we end up stuffing them down and looking for new, exciting ways to make ourselves feel better, which, if we are honest with ourselves, doesn’t really work. So the idea of

However, the glitch comes when we start to feel our feelings, and we don’t know what to do with ourselves. What do we do with this sadness or anger? What is really going on here? And so we start down the path of “I Shouldn’t be feeling like this; I SHOULD be happier.”

A great example: Last night I come home from visiting my parents and my dad is not in the greatest of health, so sometimes when I get home on Sunday evenings I am a little sad. Last night I was exceptionally sad. I was feeling A LOT, but rather than allow myself to feel all that; I kept saying, what is your problem…you SHOULD be fine. Nothing sad happened at the visit, Dad was having a great day, and it was a lot of fun because I couldn’t justify my feelings then they weren’t valid.

Here’s the thing feelings aren’t always logical, convenient, or fun. Feelings can get triggered by God knows what. I use to drown these feelings in food, wine, or losing myself in a game on my Ipad—hello Candy Crush. But now I know that when I feel like this, I need to sit with it. Sit with the feelings and pour on compassion and empathy. No rationalizing, no justifying. The MINUTE I say to myself, “oh sweetheart, it is ok to struggle; it is ok to feel however you want to feel” Is the minute I feel better. My feelings always don’t need some big grandiose form of expression; they just need to be heard. I always check in with myself, asking what do you need around this (and I confess my usual response is I need chocolate or I need a glass of wine, so I did a little deeper) as in do you need to talk to someone, vent some anger, cry some tears, write, etc. and that allows me to express myself in healthy ways.

As Brené Brown says, feeling worthy is a daily practice; it is a street fight every single day. I would say for many of us; it is a street fight every single day to trust our feelings and, therefore ourselves. The saying just ‘feel your feelings’ is so easy to say. But the act of trusting that if you allow the sadness or the anger to come forward, it won’t eat you alive.

It wasn’t until I learned to trust myself and that I would be ok no matter what happened with my feelings that I could start to experience the peace and contentment that comes from being a whole human being. I could stop chasing happiness with the next reward and just be with my emotions. Some days this act is a street fight with myself, and some days it is as simple as just showing up.

One of my favorite stories about trusting yourself is the story of the snake. Let’s say as a child you are playing in the living room, and you see a snake right there in the middle of the living room. You run to tell your mom, and Mom #1 says, what snake? There is no snake in the living room. You are crazy. And you return to the living room to play and repeatedly tell yourself there is no snake until eventually, you don’t see the snake anymore, and then the snake bites you. Mom #2 says, oh my honey, let’s go look at the snake and get rid of it, and the 2 of you calmly go to take care of the snake so you can keep playing in the living room.

This story of the snake illustrates how we learn not to trust our feelings and ourselves. We are told that certain feelings are bad or that we shouldn’t feel a certain way, and so we eventually cut ourselves off from those feelings. Like the snake, there are still there; we just aren’t aware of them until they come from out of nowhere to bite us in the butt.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge:

One thing that has really helped me Live Happier is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenging you to complete it Stop Light: 3 Deep Breaths You might need a sticky note to remind you of this one.

As you are driving, when you come to a stoplight or traffic jam, simply take three deep belly breaths. I have gotten out of the practice of this one, so excited to add it back in.

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Episode 003: Why Positive Thinking is Keeping You Stuck

In this week's episode, I ask the question:  Is positive thinking keeping you from fully engaging in your life?

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Growing up, whenever things were hard, I would hear the phrase “count your blessings” and be grateful for what you have. You know, basically saying quit our bitchin’

It is common wisdom that increased gratitude leads to increased happiness. Which is true gratitude helps us gain perspective on our lives.

Being grateful can be used as you are going through a challenging time.

You are getting a divorce, a deadline at work is looming, or you are caretaking for a loved one.

As you are moving through change or transition, or even trying to become “unstuck,” being grateful is an awesome way of gaining a new perspective and feeling some positive energy in your life.

The danger comes when we choose to think positively to avoid dealing with the truly negative areas of our lives.

For example, you hate getting up every morning, you struggle to go to work, and you are a walking zombie throughout your day.

Thinking positive and being grateful,

might put a nice spin on your day,

might give you some peace for a temporary time,

but it won’t make things better in the long term.

It won’t improve your job and make you feel like less of a walking zombie. It is a Band-Aid for an open wound.

Thinking positive keeps us from asking the hard questions:

What do I want my life to look like?

What changes do I need to make in my life, both big and small?

What is holding me back?

Sometimes we just need a Perspective Band-Aid. For example, I have a bad day, a conversation with my brother doesn’t go the way I like, and I am not as productive as I want to be.

So rather than coming home and vomiting my bad day all over my nearest and dearest, I choose to think positively about the things that went well. I choose to think positively about my day—because overall, my life is good. Thinking positive allows me to change my mood in the moment and feel better for the time being. I also choose to analyze my day and look at what things I can make different tomorrow.

What about the interaction didn’t go well?

Why wasn’t I as productive?

Sometimes life is out of our control, people become sick, we have to stay in a job to make money we need to survive, or the transition out of a relationship takes longer than we thought it would.

Thinking positive helps us move gracefully through these times. However, we need both; we need awareness of the muck and grief, and we need to be grateful for the other areas of our lives that are full of joy and promise.

Thinking positive is a way to help us gain a new perspective and be happy about the things in our lives we love. However, we still need to take stock of our lives, be intentional about our choices, and make the necessary changes to Live Happier.

When thinking positive keeps us in denial or stuck, it isn’t serving us—it is trapping us in a cycle of pain, shame, and hiding ourselves from the world.

Are there places in your life where you are using positive thinking as a coping mechanism?

Is positive thinking keeping you from fully engaging in your life?

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Episode 002: What Does it Mean to Live Happier?

After last week's episode, I had a couple of emails asking about my definition of Living Happier. So, I thought I would go back a little bit and share my definitions of Living Happier as well as some of the myths around living happier.

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One of the reasons I love the phrase “Live Happier” is because it is something you can do every day. It is not a destination as in, “one day I will Live Happier.”

Nope, Living Happier is something you can do in the midst of life’s trials and tribulations or when life is cruising along with ease.

Living Happier isn’t something you achieve; it is something you are engaging in all the time.

Does that mean you have to be always striving? No, but it does mean you have to be engaged and intentional about your life.

It is something you are doing every day of your life to make your life richer, fuller, and brighter.

Living Happier is:

Being intentional about your life. Knowing what activities give you energy and what activities drain your energy. Throughout the day, making sure you are ‘budgeting your energy, so you don’t get too drained.”

Having awareness about yourself, what are your strengths, what are your values, what do you want your life to look like? And creating a life that feeds those strengths, values, and dreams.

Knowing life is full of ups and downs. Tragedies happen, losses occur, and it is even more important to be engaging in #1 and #2 above during these times.

Living Happier requires full engagement. Having the tough conversation with your partner.

Confronting the co-worker who keeps stealing your ideas.

Asking for the raise you deserve after 3 years of nothing.

Because too many of us are walking around like zombies in our lives and then wondering why we aren’t Living Happier, we have to ENGAGE.

COMPASSION: The recognition that some days we will be firing on all cylinders and some days we won’t and loving ourselves the same, regardless of the kind of day we are having.

Asking for help when we need it. Recognizing that we can’t do it alone.

We need to reach out from time to time for assistance, clear tasks off our plate, or just ask for much-needed support.

Approaching the world from an attitude of openness, kindness, and love for ourselves and for those around us.

Living Happier DOES NOT MEAN you are blissed out all the time. In fact, living happier means allowing yourself to have a bad day. To give yourself grace around pain, sadness, and grief.

Living Happier means you can give yourself the radical acceptance necessary to move through the inevitable emotions that come up as you move through the peaks and valleys of life.

Living happier means showing up to life and reminding yourself it is A practice and a process. A daily practice of showing up and living intentionally and as well as a reminder that life is a wonderfully, imperfect messy, engaging process.

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Episode 001: Want to be Happy? Stop Searching for the Magic Button

The concept of the magic button is one of my favorite topics and one I discuss with my clients frequently. In this episode, you will learn about why letting go of the magic button was a life-changing move for me and what I do when the desire to find the magic button pops up.

+Read the Transcript

The magic button is the belief that something OUT there will fix me if only I can find it.

For YEARS I believed that if I found the right book, the right counselor, the right information, I would be fixed. I would be whole and happy, and everything would be ok. I swear I could have made a killing if I would have purchased stock in Barnes and Noble because I have my own private library in self-help books. To be clear, self-help books I only skimmed, never actually read. I swear that if osmosis with books worked, all my issues would be HEALED!

In my 20s and 30s, I had created a life where I looked outside for most of my answers, from my parents to my professors to my friends to societal norms. Everything I did was because someone told me it would be a good idea. I didn’t have the ability to look inside. I honestly don’t know if I didn’t have the ability or if I didn’t trust myself to look inside.

And then eventually, after ending up in tears on the porch of my new home, I thought to myself, I SHOULD BE HAPPY; what is my problem. I practiced gratitude which we will talk about my love-hate relationship with gratitude in another episode, but that gratitude was hollow because even though I was grateful for my life and all its many blessings, it wasn’t MY life…it was designed around someone else. My quest for the magic button had ended up leaving me bitter, sad, and resentful. Fortunately, I found a therapist who helped me learn that it is ok to trust myself, and she gave me tools for how to listen to myself and stop looking for a magic button to fix everything.

And it has been a work in progress. Whenever I want to make a change, my first inclination is to ALWAYS look outside myself. Even this weekend, I have been on a quest to make peace with food. Long story short, I am tired of gaining and losing the same 30 lbs, and I want to finally make peace with food and weight.

So I spent much of the weekend reading about intuitive eating (something I know about already), and I was tempted to buy all these programs about intuitive eating so someone could tell me HOW to eat intuitively. I talked to friends. I talked to my husband I asked around. NOW I am not saying getting help is a bad thing, but this is how you know you are looking for a magic button you aren’t looking for just help. You are looking for THE easy answer…a magic button.

I have at least 5 books on this subject and have already paid a health coach a couple of years ago to help me on this subject. But I hadn’t implemented anything. SO my quest this weekend to find MORE information was a QUEST to find the magic button.

The thing is, And as long as you are on the QUEST to find the magic button, you aren’t not DOING anything. I wasn’t acting on any of the principles I know about intuitive eating; I was waiting for an easy answer, a simple solution, a magic button.

I spent much of the weekend consumed with anxiety and angst, and then this am, I woke up and said, ok, you need to implement. You need to put into action what you know and do it pick one action. So I picked being present in the moment. Sounds easy, but it is far from it. To be honest, it is no magic button, but the angst, anxiety, and perfectionism have vanished, and instead, I am left with me just me trusting myself and being present. So this morning, I have been pulling myself repeatedly back to being present. And each time, it has brought me a sense of peace and action. The quest for the magic button is on pause (for now).

SO I am curious am I alone in this? How much time do you spend searching for the magic button? Food and diets is an easy example. But we also do it with living happier. We look for a quick fix to live happier, the perfect job, more money, the dream home, etc. Here’s a clue whenever you are saying if only _ or When I _, you are on a quest to find the magic button.

Most of us want to live happier. The quest to live happier starts with us. It starts by asking yourself what are my priorities, what do I value, how am I spending my time, do I want to be engaging in these activities. Living Happier is built on small intentional steps that you take every single day. Not a magic button.

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