Episode 012: How to Stop Taking out Your Frustration on Those Closest to you
One of the top reasons my clients come to see me is they want to stop feeling so much frustration and resentment, and most importantly they want to stop taking it out on those they love. In this episode, we discuss tips for taking care of that frustration in other ways.
+ Read the Transcript
It's been a crazy week. My website got hacked earlier, and I was on vacation, and it just was a super crazy time. So it is Saturday afternoon, and I'm just now getting around to my usual Wednesday podcast. So I apologize for the delay. Today I want to talk about easing your frustration or how to stop taking out your frustration on those closest to you.
Last week, I talked about resentment and dealing with hidden resentments and setting boundaries and all that great stuff, which is an awesome podcast. And I hope you can check it out. That's episode 11 and this week. I wanted to talk about, more specifically, how to stop taking out your frustration on those closest to you.
One of the top reasons clients come to see me because they are tired of being angry and frustrated and taking it out on their spouses and kids. And so that is the kind of call to action for them to be like, okay, I need to make some changes because I'm super frustrated and, I don't want to be living a life that, that is this frustrated.
The thing that is fascinating to me is when you meet these women, the last thing you would think is that they're dealing with frustration or anger issues.
Because they are super gentle and sensitive and sweet and kind women, they're super high functioning, and they do a lot of great stuff for their families. And therein lies the rub that, as we talked about last week, they're doing so much for other people that they aren't getting enough healthy boundaries, and they're not taking care of themselves.
They end up taking out that excess frustration on those closest to them. My first bit of wisdom is to go back and listen to episode number 11 to stop this frustration. And then I want to take this conversation a little bit further because it is about boundaries, and it's also about taking care of yourself.
This will not be another episode on self-care, but this will be an episode about paying attention to what you want and what you need. And I've talked about before in previous episodes about dealing with values and setting priorities. Not only is it hard to set a boundary, but sometimes it's hard to figure out where do I need to set a boundary because we get so wrapped up in our to-do lists and the right way of doing things and what we need to do next.
And, we have all these messages that we need to be in charge, and we need to be helping, and we need to be doing, and we don't ever stop and look back and take it, do a check-in with ourselves. And then what happens is by the end of the day, we are so freaking exhausted of doing for everyone else that we tend to take out the frustration on the person that, you know, a, we know who can handle it, but B who deserves it the least.
And so we take out our frustrations on our kids or our partners or those people in our life. We know we can trust, and that's just as unfair. And so this podcast is about paying attention to you. Helping ourselves catch ourselves before we get to that point before we get to the point of, I am so frustrated right now that the next person that walks in the door, I'm just going to unload on them.
And so one of the ways I think to help us get to that point, that has been life-changing for me (and I had a great reminder of it this week in my therapy) was asking myself the question, what do you need next? And that phrase, what do you need next has been a powerful one for me because I don't ask myself that question very often.
You can do the higher, what do I need and what are my values and what's my higher priority here, but at the moment when I'm running from thing to thing, and I have to get to a client meeting, and then after that, I need to run the grocery store. And then after that, I have to make dinner and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, check check.
I don't ask myself, what do I need to do next? Do I need to stop and take a drink of water? Do I need to pay attention to my shoulders here and do 3 deep breaths? Do I need to crank up my music and have a little dance party for 30 seconds? What is it that at this moment I need? And even to put the sticky note (I am a big fan of stickies), what do I need next?
Put the sticky on your computer on your car dashboard to remind you what is it that I need to do next to take care of myself. We get so caught up in what's the right way? How can I get there faster? How can I do this better? I even caught myself earlier this week, I have downloaded the app Waze on my phone, and I absolutely love it.
It is a GPS app that tells you which way to go. And it's usually always accurate, and I will constantly check my route to make sure I'm taking the right way. And sometimes, what I need to do next is get stuck in traffic.
Just sit there and traffic and take some deep breaths. Listen to the music and relax a little bit instead of being this crazy person who's constantly looking for the fastest way to get there. That just isn't always the best way to do it. Paying attention to and asking your question yourself, the question. What do I need to do next? And then having a lot of compassion around whatever that answer is. For many of us, we follow the rules, whether they're actual rules or made-up rules such as, we have to get there the fastest way possible, which is one of my made-up rules. We follow those rules all day long.
And we never really give ourselves the chance to bust out of the rules. We never give ourselves the chance to do something for just ourselves. It's always an obligation or a should, or this is the next thing on the list. And we're running at this pace of whatever we need to be doing next. Instead of asking ourselves, what do I need right now?
Yes, I need to go pick up the kids. And that is the next thing on my list. But I have a minute here that I can figure out what I need to do. And I have a minute where I can give myself a lot of compassion for the fact that I'm feeling frustrated right now. Or that I'm feeling pulled in a thousand different directions, or I'm feeling frustrated at my husband because he isn't stepping up the way I need him to today. Or I can feel compassion for myself that it's okay that I'm angry at my boss.
The first thing is, asking yourself the question, what is it I need next? And then the second thing, as far as this easing your frustrations, is figuring out how many times you say to yourself, I'm furious at my boss, but he's a nice guy, and I know he wants the best for me.
My husband makes me mad. He doesn't even think to empty the dishwasher, and that drives me crazy, but he's a great husband, and he's a good father and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I see it all the time in my office. I do it all the time. We don't give ourselves the freedom to say the complete emotion to say the complete thought to give the whole frustration of voice.
Instead, we stop ourselves. So we censor our frustration, and we censor the emotion around it. And we tell ourselves, Oh, I can't say that because that means I'm a terrible person. Or I can't say that because they'll think I'm evil, or I can't say that for whatever reason. If we say a frustration, that means we're not grateful or whatever.
We have these rules in our heads that we can't hold a frustration all the way through. We have to censor it. And so I want you to be paying attention to how often you do that. How often are you venting to a friend or even saying to yourself, gosh, I just wished my husband would empty the dishwasher once in a while, and then just let yourself be frustrated with that and be like, okay, I'm frustrated. He doesn't empty the dishwasher.
Now, what can I do to make sure that happens better or differently, or easier? How can I bring that up to him? Instead of spinning out on: I hate when my husband doesn't empty the dishwasher, and I should be grateful for him because he does such a great job with the kids. Stop censoring yourself when it comes to your frustrations.
When we censor them, they get pushed further and further down, and then they blow up at the end of the day. So all of a sudden, your husband comes home, and he doesn't know you're frustrated with him about the dishwasher. The dishwasher frustration is like a two on your scale of frustrations, but that's the one that comes out in version 10.
It just comes blowing out of you because you have pushed down all these frustrations all day long, and they come busting at the seams. So that concept of letting yourself vent the frustration, giving yourself compassion around the fact that frustration is there. And then the critical piece, figuring out how to do it differently.
So that frustration doesn't take over your life, figure out how to let the frustration go, how to confront the person about the frustration, or what you can do next to make that frustration less prominent in your life. So I'm not advocating, just complaining to be complaining.
My two tips for easing frustration and how to stop taking the frustration out on those closest to you:
One as you go throughout your day, ask yourself. What do I need next? And actively start making mental notes of what you need, and then stop censoring yourself. So allow yourself to fully vent whatever frustrations you're feeling, whether you're inventing them to someone else or you're venting them to yourself, permit yourself to vent fully.
Then give yourself some compassion figure out what you're going to do with that frustration to make it better. Those are my tips.
When you have figured out all the needs, and you're keeping track of "what do I need to do next?" you might recognize that there are some boundaries you need to be setting.
Okay. These needs can only be met if I start saying no, or these needs can only be met if I start setting some boundaries. When that happens, go back and listen to episode 11 to learn how do I set boundaries in a healthy way? So that is it. I hope that helps.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Take a Break and Be Silly.
This challenge is a great one to take a dance break with your kids, belly, laugh with your partner. There are lots of ways to be silly. And the best news by nature of being silly, you just can't do it wrong. So if you're someone that's trapped like I am in doing it right, there is no right in silly. It's just pure silliness.