Episode 010: Lies We Tell Ourselves About Stress
Looking at the messages we tell ourselves that keep us stuck in a pattern of stress…how is stress serving you?
+ Read the Transcript
Welcome to this podcast, where I share my stories and lessons. I've learned on my quest to live happier. Today we're going to be talking about lies we tell ourselves about stress.
Now let's get into the show. So in episode eight, just a couple of weeks ago, I talked about reducing strategies for reducing stress and enhancing energy. And in that podcast, I talked specifically about the messages we have around stress. And since then, I've been doing some presentations about reducing stress. And I've been talking about reducing stress in my own life. And I realized that these messages that we tell ourselves around stress are lies that help keep us stressed. So some of the messages we tell ourselves are:
*This is how it's supposed to be.
*Life is stressful.
*You just have to get through it.
*Or grin and bear it,
*or it's better to be busy than not.
*I get more done. The more stressed I am.
*Or my favorite. Just be grateful.
So today, I want to dive into those messages individually and discuss how they keep us stressed and why they are such lies.
So somewhere, we've been raised to have these beliefs that good people are stressed. Stress equals having a lot to do; stress equals staying out of trouble. Stress equals being productive. Stress equals being a good member of society.
Stress does not equal that. That is a bald-faced lie. Stress is not how it's supposed to be.
We are not supposed to be running from thing to thing. It is not a badge of honor that we only get four hours of sleep or that we have to drink wine at the end of the day. And then a cup of coffee at the beginning of the day. That is not a good sign of where we're headed.
Stress is chronic. It causes so many health problems, so many mental health problems. It is the reason that I have full practice because people are stressed, and they're looking for answers on how to stop being stressed. But at the same time, Part of the reason my job is so hard is that we get off on being stressed.
We get a kick out of being stressed. Not really. We hate it. We hate that. It gives us headaches. We hate that it hurts our backs. We hate that we're running from thing to thing, but at the same time, there's a big part of us that has these messages around grinning and bearing it. Or it's better to be busy than not. And the killer, we get more done the more stressed we are. I don't know how many times I've heard that from my friends, from my clients. Even I have said it; I'm more productive the more stressed I am, the closer we get to a deadline, the more productive we are. And so we have this misnomer that we get more done when we're freaked out.
When in reality, we get more done when we're relaxed, and we're focused, and we're concentrating on something. I want to bring some attention to how often you tell yourself a lie around being stressed.
The killer one is the be grateful. I talked about that in a previous episode of this podcast, the being grateful and how it keeps us stuck, but it also keeps us stressed, and you will hear a lot of other people will say that being grateful is the key to releasing stress and releasing worry.
At least we're going to be grateful. But I sometimes think it works. Not even sometimes. I know it works in the other way that a lot of times be great grateful forces us keeps us stuck in stress. So I'm going through my day. I have a thousand things on my to-do list. I'm like, Oh, I wish I wasn't so busy. I wish I wasn't so stressed.
Be grateful. At least you have kids. Be grateful. At least you have all this time and money to spend running from thing to thing. Be grateful. At least you have a job. And that be grateful piece that is just killer because then not only am I really stressed now I'm supposed to be grateful about it.
And that's a kick in the head. I'm supposed to be grateful for being stressed. Being grateful has nothing to do with being stressed. And it is not a way to talk us down. It has been abused. It has been overused. The point of being grateful is for us to pause and stop and look up and see what's around us.
So I'm running around from thing to thing. And I'm crazy stressed. Gratitude should be stepping in when I'm looking up at the sky, and I'm like, Oh, it's a beautiful day. Oh, it's really nice outside. Oh, the sun is shining. Oh, look at my child. My little girl's smiling in the back seat.
That's gratitude. Gratitude. Isn't suck it up and keep going and be grateful. Gratitude isn't put a smile on your face. It could be worse. Gratitude is when we stop, and we enjoy, and we look around, and we see what's out there. That's gratitude. So I think gratitude has really been twisted and demented that we're supposed to be grateful for these terrible things that are happening to us.
I've had people say to me about my dad having Parkinson's with dementia that I should be grateful for what the disease brings. Okay. That's a bit of a stretch that disease does not bring a lot of things that I'm grateful for. That disease has not given me many things I'm grateful for, but there are things around that situation that I can be grateful for.
I can be grateful for the time I get to spend with my dad. I can be grateful for the conversations that we have when he's with it. I can be grateful that I have the time to spend with him. And that time can be stressful, and I need a lot of breaks from it, and it's overwhelming, and I'm angry about it and all the other things that go with it.
So when we use be grateful as a way for us to basically be telling ourselves to stop and shut up, that's when being grateful becomes a problem. As you can tell, I have a lot to say about the phrase, be grateful. The other killer one is, better to be busy than not, or again, more done. The more stressed I am.
And I touched on that one already, but the belief system that if I'm not pushing myself super hard, if I'm not driving myself from thing to thing, I'm going to be less productive, or I'm going to be less of a person, or I'm going to not be worth it. What are we going to do? If we're not pushing ourselves, we're going to sit on the couch and eat Reesie cups all day long.
I don't think so. That would get a little boring. I think we're still going to get a lot done. I think we're just going to get a lot done a lot less stressed. So my challenge is to really be paying attention to how often those messages we have around stress and exhaustion and the secret pride that we take in being stressed and exhausted and gradually unhooking those, because it isn't, like I said, in episode eight, it isn't that we don't know how to relieve stress there.
I believe it's these messages that are keeping us stuck in stress because we get so much out of it. When we have the belief that it's better to be busy than not, why would we ever stop being busy? Now the other messages, if I stop, I will be completely lazy, and I will never do anything. And I think that really gets us into trouble because that keeps us riding on this treadmill.
That is our lives of stress and exhaustion. And so sometimes when we have these messages, I believe, and I know it true for me, it's that I don't want to stop moving because I'm afraid of what's going to come up. I don't want to get off the treadmill. I don't want to stop obsessing about my to-do list because that to-do list is a way that I numb out that stress and that running from thing to thing is a way I avoid the emotions and what's really going on in my life. And I see it with my clients too. The busier we are, the more we're pushing ourselves. Usually, that's a sign that there's something pretty big in our lives that we're trying to avoid. So I know when I am super amped up and super, the to-do list is way huge, and I've packed a bunch of stuff on it.
That's a time when I need to even more. So be pausing. Checking in and seeing what's there, even though it's the last thing I want to do, I don't want to stop when I'm that busy. I want to keep going. I'm running really hard and really fast from something that I'm afraid to face. And what happens is when we stop running, and we turn around, and we actually face that emotional hole, it's never as big as we think it's going to be.
It's never as huge as we think it's going to be always. It's better to face the hole than to keep running ourselves into the ground. So this week, I really want you to be paying attention to what are those messages that are keeping you in stress? What are the beliefs you have that are keeping you in stress?
And are you running from something? Is your stress keeping you from facing what's really going on in your life? Maybe it's keeping you from facing just the fact that you're unhappy or you're unfulfilled, or you don't like your job, or your relationship isn't where you thought it would be, or your kids or you're stressed about them getting into college, or you're stressed about them getting through the eighth grade or whatever.
We all have stress, and that's okay. We all have emotions, and those emotions are okay. But when we're using our stress and our to-do list to numb from those emotions, that's when we get into trouble.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Take a Walk
This one might not be much of a challenge, but take some time to get outside, breathe, look up at the beautiful blue sky and the changing leaves if you live near changing leaves. And I'm amazed how a simple walk around the block can just change my thoughts and my attitude.
It can help me reduce stress tenfold, just stopping and breathing and looking around. Okay.