Episode 006: Making Lasting Change: Closing the Loop
The process of making change involves making mistakes, which is followed then by shame, guilt, and fear. Closing the loop looks at how to move through the process so that real change can occur.
+ Read the Transcript
One of the greatest lessons I learned from working with Brené Brown’s teaching is the concept of resilience. We are all building resilience against fear, shame, anxiety, or whatever negative thought process we have. The kicker is we aren’t going to MASTER these processes; we are going to build resilience around them. Discovering that mastery isn’t going to happen allows me to practice more self-compassion when shame, doubt, and fear take over.
So many of us want to learn the lesson and move on. We want to master the concept and never again be taunted by Mongers, Shame or Fear. But that is not how it works. The key to Mongers, shame and fear, is not mastery (because that just doesn’t exist). The key is building resilience; or shortening the Loop as I call it.
The Loop is the timeframe from when you notice that you have gone off track (experienced disappointment and failure) to when you implement your support team and coping mechanisms.
Growth occurs as this Loop gets smaller and smaller. The quicker our response time from failure and disappointment through shame into making a different choice, the more we will make change in our lives.
REMEMBER, even loop closing is not a linear concept... Some days you will be really good at closing the Loop, and some days you will the Loop will drag on and on. That is ok. All of this is a practice.
Whether you want to change a habit, attitude, or behavior, there is a PROCESS to change that inevitably involves disappointment and failure. So how do you move beyond that?
Clarity:
The first step is to get extreme clarity on what you are changing and how this behavior shows up and to pick a few small areas of your life where you can implement changes.
Awareness:
Building awareness involves noticing when you engage in the behavior and intentionally making a different choice.
Disappointment Failure occurs when it doesn’t go as planned
Shame/Guilt/Etc inevitably follow
Compassion:
You are Clear on what you need to change, and you are aware that you are backsliding and losing focus. You are engaging in the “putting
Curiosity:
You have successfully navigated your shame and mongers, and now you are ready to work your way back up and close the gap.
You start asking yourself WHY it went so south AND what action you can take to do it differently next time.
Make New Decision/Plan:
After your curiosity session, you realize maybe you are “biting off more than you can chew” with this one. So you decide to re-visit clarity and make a new plan.
Spiraling Up:
Something we tend to forget about life lessons is that we keep learning more and more until we have them mastered. I call this phenomenon spiraling up. Spiraling up means we might come back to the lesson, and it might FEEL like we are re-learning the same lesson, but really, we are experiencing it at a new level with new insight, a new situation, a new challenge. And then, when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.
When you think about life lessons as spiraling up, it gives a new perspective. While we do repeat lessons, we don’t unlearn all we have implemented before. We repeat the lesson one step up with a new perspective, new challenges, and new information that we didn’t have the last time the lesson came into our lives. So the next time you have a sense of deja vu when it comes to a life lesson, don’t beat yourself up. Remind yourself that you are just spiraling up. Then remind yourself all you have learned about this topic.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Find the furthest parking spot
As you are running errands, pulling into work, or basically anywhere, there is a giant parking lot. Avoid the temptation to circle until you find the closest spot. Instead, park as far away as possible. As you are walking to your destination, intentionally slow down, watch your breath and pay attention to what is happening around you.
As someone who tends to rush through errands or rush on to the next thing, this practice helps me slow down and be more present with what is around me. Any time I can add an easy way to reconnect with myself, it is a win for me. I hope it is as helpful for you!