Season 3 Episode 4 Change in the Emotion Ocean

In this episode, we learn how our emotions can help us create change in our lives.

In honor of Self Loyalty School, this season we are looking at how to make change. In this episode, Nancy talks to a leading psychologist and expert in emotions, who tells her all about how our emotions can help us create change in our lives. She learns about the kind of self-reflective emotions-- like pride, jealousy, and embarrassment-- that can be a real challenge to untangle. Then she shares a story about a time when she felt totally lost in a sea of her own messy emotions, and how she learned how to pop her head out from under the water and float to shore. She learns about the kind of self-reflective emotions-- like pride, jealousy, and embarrassment-- that can be a real challenge to untangle. Then she shares a story about a time when she felt totally lost in a sea of her own messy emotions, and how she learned how to pop her head out from under the water and float to shore.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Nancy's personal experiences with getting lost in the emotion ocean.

• Information and insights from Dr. Jessica Tracy.

• How to learn more about Self Loyalty School.

Learn more about Dr. Jessica Tracy:

• Find Jessica on Twitter @ProfJessTracy

• Order Jessica's book: https://www.amazon.com/Take-Pride-Deadliest-Secret-Success/dp/0544273176

Learn more about Self Loyalty School:

• Go to https://selfloyaltyschool.com

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy Jane Smith: [00:00:00] Hey guys, it's me. Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. Inner peace is something that can be really hard to cut. Particularly with all the curve balls and changes that life throws at us. I know there have been times for me when it's been really hard to tap into the feeling that I'm on the right path, that I'm making positive changes when I'm stuck in what I call the emotion ocean. For me, the emotion ocean is either feeling too many emotions. Or being so scared of all the emotions bobbing around that, I try to ignore them and pretend they don't exist.

So today we'll talk to an expert on emotions, specifically, big emotions like pride, jealousy, and embarrassment emotions that can be particularly easy to get stuck [00:01:00] in because they tend to require a lot of self-reflection. So we can get totally sucked into the. When you're stuck in the emotion ocean, having to look at yourself and your choices can be the last thing you want to do.

I remember a time in my life when there was so much going on that I didn't know where to go. almost 10 years ago, my husband's epilepsy became more active and his seizures were out of control. My dad was sick with Parkinson's with dementia, and I was feeling stuck in my business. I wanted to teach and write in addition to working one-on-one with clients, my monger, my voice of the inner critic was very active and I had a lot of messy feelings.

I wasn't dealing. If I've been one of my clients, I would have suggested looking at the feeling sheet I had designed, I would have pointed right at the words on the sheet that said lost [00:02:00] hopeless, unsure, frightened, unworthy, somber, and powerless. But at the time I wasn't about looking at my. I just knew that I didn't feel happy and I needed to feel happy.

I was going through the motions of life, but dealing with all those messy feelings or should I say not dealing with all those messy feelings was keeping me stuck and I needed to find a way out. I had the idea in the bathroom. After a speaking event, I had. I remember washing my hands, thinking how much I loved teaching and how I wished I could do it every day. And a voice from inside of me said, why not? Let's open up a space. So I came up with the loft. The loft was short for the live happier left, which was an idea I had for cute, comfortable place where like-minded people who wanted to be happier, could gather to [00:03:00] hear a variety of topics about living with.

And it was adorable, super cute and inviting. I set out to find a space that would support this vision. And I found an adorable loft size place where I could see clients and host gatherings of enthusiastic learners. Other people struggling to find happiness. I built it. I published a monthly calendar with weekly workshops on anxiety management, mindfulness seminars, classes on creativity and group programs on living habits.

But no one came, my one-on-one clients came for their appointments, but those groups of people I was going to work with and teach, they didn't come mainly because, well, I didn't invite them looking back. I thought my biggest fan, my inner voice of self loyalty was the voice that was guiding me to open the loft.

But now I can see it was my BFF, my voice of self-indulgence or false self. [00:04:00] She was convincing me. The loft was the cure for what was ailing me. She was tired of my monger hammering me for not being happy. And this was an easy, quick solution. Do what you love, build it. And they will come and you will be happy.

But getting the word out about the loft to people who weren't already, my clients was the part that my BFF failed to share with me. She just saw the fun, joyful part. Building the loft would be a big, bold movement and big bold movements. Let the universe know you are ready for big, bold thing for big bold things.

Yeah. That is all my BFF. Looking back. I can see it. I was overwhelmed and feeling a lot of different emotions. My monger was hammering me for not being more successful, not being a better daughter or a more caring wife. So my BFF thought, great. Let's do [00:05:00] something big and bold that will bring her joy and we can get away from these messy emotions.

But all the loft did was bring more messy emotions remorse because I wasn't doing all the things necessary to make it work jealous of what other people were accomplishing in their careers, frustrated with myself because I wasn't doing it right. Or this would be better looking back. A lot of what I was feeling deep in that emotion ocean were emotions that forced me to really take a look at me.

To be self-reflective and own my feelings. Of course, that was the last thing I wanted to do. If only I'd been able to talk to Dr. Jessica Tracy, back then

Jessica Tracy: for most of our behavior, emotions are critical that the reason that we do most things, we do not everything, but most things we do is because of emotions.

Nancy Jane Smith: This is Dr. Jessica Tracy. She's a professor of [00:06:00] psychology at the university of British Columbia. She studies emotions and how they affect human behavior. You

Jessica Tracy: know, when you get up in the morning and you brush your teeth, first thing, that's not an emotion guided behavior, you don't have to think, oh my God, the dentist is going to be so angry.

I'm going to get a cavity. Right. You don't have to do that. Cause it's just. For things that are not habit driven, you know, like going and getting a vaccine, for example, like that's something that we do because of fear, right? We don't want to get the disease. And so we go ahead and do this thing that we know is not gonna be pleasant. It's gonna be uncomfortable. It might be painful and so on, but we force ourselves to overcome that.

Nancy Jane Smith: Jessica says that emotions are more than just. They cause us to act in our

Jessica Tracy: bodies emotions. Aren't just thoughts. Right? They're also, they're embodied. I think it's really hard if you're highly aroused and having, you know, for example, a panic attack, right?

You're full of anxiety and you're full of all this stuff. The panic attack is so much more than those thoughts. In fact, the thoughts might be the least of it, right? The best way to come a panic attack is not to think different thoughts. It's to change your breathing.[00:07:00]

Nancy Jane Smith: Not only do emotions guide a lot of our embodied behavior, but they can also keep us stuck in unhelpful or unpleasant patterns, particularly if waiting through those emotions requires a lot of self-reflection. These are the kinds of emotions that Jessica studies self-conscious emotions.

Jessica Tracy: They are the emotions that are all about the self. So the way that we define them is to feel a self-conscious emotion. You have to think about who you are, think about yourself and realize that an event that occurred is either consistent with that self and who you want to be and sort of telling you, yeah, this is, this is me doing a great thing, and that feels really good for who I am or.

Nancy Jane Smith: So, for example, when I started the loft and it opened up a lot of jealous feelings about comparing myself to other people and their careers that happened to, because I was afraid of not living up to my potential, my vision for myself, didn't line up with my sense of self

Jessica Tracy: sort of telling you, oh [00:08:00] gosh, that's not who I want to be. This is not, you know, helping me achieve my goals for the kind of person I want.

Nancy Jane Smith: Jessica spent a lot of her career studying one particular self-conscious emotion.

Jessica Tracy: Pride is an interesting one because there actually are two different kinds of pride. We distinguish between the pride. That's all about achievement and confidence. And basically sort of like, you work really hard for something. Maybe you studied really hard for a test or maybe you're training for a race and then you do it and you did really well. And then you have this feeling of like, wow, that feels really great. And that's what we call authentic pride.

Nancy Jane Smith: Authentic pride is the kind of emotion that motivates us to care about our work and our face. That encourages us to do hard things and have hard conversations.

Jessica Tracy: The reason we, we want to do all that stuff is because we want to feel like we are a good person in all of the various ways that we construct the concept of good.

Nancy Jane Smith: But then there's hubristic pride, hubristic pride,

Jessica Tracy: [00:09:00] which is much more kind of what we think of when we think of arrogance. We know from work in my lab, that when you feel university pride, you are more likely to engage in things like cheating, lying in order to maintain your status. You know, you become disagreeable, hostile, aggressive.

Nancy Jane Smith: It seems obvious, but if we really want to feel good about ourselves, Jessica cautions staying away from engaging with hubristic pride and leaning into our feelings of authentic pride, she says feeling authentic pride can actually compel people to make real changes in their

Jessica Tracy: lives. Those emotions are particularly important and changes in the south because those. That tell us what we want our identity to be like. Right? So when we feel pride, that means we have done something that gets us closer to the kind of identity we want. And it's a good feeling. It's reinforcing. I felt that way when I did this, I'm going to do that again so I can keep feeling that way. And that in turn motivates us to do the things that will get us to the [00:10:00] identity that we want to have.

Nancy Jane Smith: Jessica's even grappled with these emotions. After I

Jessica Tracy: graduated from college, I worked in a cafe for awhile, which was a really fun job, you know, talk to customers, make lattes, that kind of thing. But there was a point at which I felt, you know what, like I really miss those nights when I stayed up all night in college with my friends, you know, we were trying to put together a news magazine. And that was really exciting. That made me feel like I was doing something. I cared about something that was important to me. Something that made me feel like I'm the kind of person I want to be. I'm having fun in this cafe job, but I don't ever have that feeling. Life is good, but I'm missing that feeling of, oh God, it's hard. It's challenging. It's stressful. But I am achieving something that I really care about. And that realization is what pushed me to go back to

Nancy Jane Smith: grad school. 'cause Jessica felt this disconnect, like she was missing that feeling of authentic pride. That's what inspired her to make a change and go back to grad school.

Jessica Tracy: so we're thinking it's the absence of an emotion, but I think we're all kind of aware of. It's [00:11:00] that feeling of when you're just kind of floating, you know, when you're just kind of like going through the motions, phoning it in, you're sorta like, I need to do something to feel good about myself, because I am not excited about who I am.

I'm not doing things that make me feel like I am the kind of person I want to be.

Nancy Jane Smith: Um, that last thing Jessica said about phoning it in and going through the motions. About your day-to-day life, not reflecting who you authentically want to be. That really stuck out to me. The loft was supposed to be my answer, a catch all for everything that was going wrong in my life, but really it was just making me feel disconnected from who I actually was and what I really wanted to do.

I decided to close up the live happier loft when my lease was up from. Right before I packed it all up, my dad died. And as I packed up all the cute, cozy furnishings and prepared to move, I sat among the boxes and the remaining twinkle [00:12:00] lights and sobbed. I was heartbroken about my dad and powerless about my husband and still feeling stuck in my work. But I decided to take all those messy emotions and deal with them in a more authentic. During that time, I recognize the power of acknowledging emotions. And I wrote my book, the happier approach, making big, bold changes often feels like the answer because when you feel like you're going through the motions, you convince yourself a bold move will work, but big, bold moves rarely work because they come from a place of.

And messy emotions, which can lead us to hubristic pride. The kind that led me with my BFF whispering in my ear to open the left. I wouldn't change my experience of the loft. It taught me a few things. The power of unchecked feelings can lead us down some crazy. If I'm tempted to make a big, bold [00:13:00] move, I need to get curious about what I'm feeling that might be driving that.

But most importantly, it confirmed in me that I do love teaching. And now years later, I've taken my love of teaching and transformed it into a school that I'm authentically proud of this time. My biggest fan was guiding me. I call it self-love. It's a cute, comfortable place online that helps people navigate their messy emotions and hear from their biggest fans.

Now I'm able to take a look at the emotion ocean from a bird's eye view, maybe in a beach chair, soaking up the sun. I can acknowledge my emotions as they come and it feels good. It feels like me.

That's it for this week. In our next episode, we're going to talk about change in our bodies. I'll talk to a [00:14:00] movement expert. She will share how even our bodies can get stuck in unhelpful patterns and how to break that cycle. That's next time on the happier. The happier approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me Nancy Jane Smith music provided by pod five and epidemic sound for more episodes to get in touch or to learn more about sup loyalty school, you can visit Nancy Jane smith.com.

And if you like the show, leave us a review. It actually helps us out a lot special. Thanks to Dr. Jessica Tracy for speaking with us. You can find Jessica on Twitter at prof, Jess, Tracy. And if you'd like to order Jessica's book, take pride. Why the deadliest sin holds the secret to human success. You can find the link in our show notes, the happier approach.

We'll be back with another episode in two weeks, take care until the.[00:15:00]

Season 3 Episode 2: Change in the Brain

In this episode, Nancy learns how hard it is to form habits and goals all from a psychologist and neuroscience expert.

In honor of Self Loyalty School, this season we are looking at how to make change. Nancy tells us about her journey to accept her new physical limitations in her workouts, and why learning about how change works on a scientific level, can make space for kindness and grace. Nancy talks with Dr. Elliot Berkman, a psychology professor at the University of Oregon who studies the science of habits. He'll tell us what's really going on inside our brains when we try to do something new and make it stick.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

- Nancy's personal experiences with trying to form habits and routines.

- The science behind forming habits and achieving goals from Dr. Elliot Berkman.

- How to learn more about Self Loyalty School.

Resources Mentioned:

Learn more about Dr. Elliot Berkman:

- Go to the University of Oregon website: https://ctn.uoregon.edu/profile/berkman

- You can follow him on Twitter @Psychologician

Learn more about Self Loyalty School:

- Go to https://selfloyaltyschool.com

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy: Hey guys, it’s me! Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to the Happier Approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships.

This season we’re talking all about change. How hard it is, how to make it seem not-so-scary, AND how it feels in our bodies. Today’s episode is all about that last part– how change works in the brain, from a scientific perspective– specifically a translational neuroscientific perspective… but we’ll get into all of that in a sec!

Change is such a BIG concept, that it can be hard to wrap our heads around how it actually happens on a day-to-day basis. Like, in our last episode when I slowly brought more storytelling and authenticity into my business and ended up changing my whole approach. It seems like I snapped my fingers and WOOHOO change. But of course, it’s a lot more complicated than that.

So today we’ll talk to an expert in psychology and neuroscience about all the little steps that go into making a big change– basically how building small habits can all add up to reaching our bigger goals. From habits as little as washing your face every night, to larger ones like building a new fitness routine. That’s something I’ve been working on for a while now…

Music

ACT I: Change in the Brain

Nancy: "You used to work out every day–remember when you could run a mile in under 8 mins now, you probably can't even run a mile."

Aw, the familiar voice of my Monger, my name for the voice of the inner critic.

Fitness has always been a part of my life. Exercising has been critical to both my physical and mental health. Almost a decade ago, I was in the best shape of my life–doing a mix of cardio and weights for over an hour a day. The vision of who I was was someone strong who could handle any physical challenge if I pushed myself hard enough.

In the past decade, I broke my ankle in a segway accident and had major surgery, which left me unable to work out for almost a year. Then a few years ago, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Ankylosing Spondylitis, 2 chronic auto-immune illnesses. In the span of a few years, I went from being in the best shape of my life to living with chronic pain and most days feeling lucky if I can walk the dog.

Since those diagnoses, I have struggled to get back into a regular workout routine. It’s been a war between the Monger and the BFF. My Monger saying, "If you pushed yourself more, you COULD get into shape. You are just lazy and old, and you use pain as an excuse.”

My BFF responds, "It doesn't matter if you move or not; you are still in pain, so you might as well not move. You will never get back to where you were–why even try."

At the end of last year, I decided to try physical therapy to learn how to move my body in a way that didn't cause pain… I loved working with the physical therapist– I worked out twice a week with the PT and three days on my own. I was getting back in the groove. "This is working," my Monger said, "just keep pushing, and you will be back to a good place in no time."

For a couple of weeks, I was riding the high that I COULD get back to where I was. Squats–no problem! Lunges-I got this! Weights with lunges–bring it on!! My Monger was right; I just needed to push harder. So I did. I kept pushing myself harder. And then one night, getting ready for bed, my leg gave out, and I couldn't walk. I had inflamed my Achilles heel, and it was excruciating.

The next time I went back to PT, he decreased my exercises, and I was devastated–"It’s ok," he said, "You will recover. You just need to rest it and go easy. No more lunges, no more squats." And then a few weeks later, after I hadn't made any real progress, he said, "ok, I think we have maxed out what I can do for you. You have the exercises, keep doing them at home. But I didn't. I stopped altogether. "If you can't get back to where you were, there is no point," said my BFF.

Around this time– when I was discharged from PT and feeling pretty discouraged about my attempts to build a new fitness routine– I interviewed an expert, who made me think about my approach in a whole new way.

ACT II: Elliot Berkman

Nancy: Have you ever seen the Bob Newhart skit where he's a psychologist Elliot: Yep. I think I know the one you're talking Nancy: and he says, just, just stop it. Elliot: Haha, yup. Nancy: Um, that's my husband's favorite quote, whenever I'm like, I want to start doing this and he's like, just stop it. Stop it. Okay. But that always comes into my mind when I'm thinking about making changes. Elliot: Just stop it! Nancy: That’s Dr. Elliot Berkman. Along with being a good sport and going along with my jokes about Bob Newhart– he’s a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon. Elliot: I study goals, motivation and behavior. I love studying goals because of the kind of duality of the fact that humans are. Some of the only creatures. I think the only creatures that we know of that really set these fancy long-term goals for ourselves.

Nancy: If you think about it, Elliot’s right! Humans are always thinking about the future. We have five year plans, ten year plans! Elliot: Famously you know, dogs are happy in the moment. They're not thinking about tomorrow or yesterday. Right. They don't ruminate. They don't worry about their inadequacies of relative to other dogs, you know?

Nancy: But for us forward-planning humans, if we fail to live up to a goal that we set… it can make us pretty miserable. And Elliot has some bad news for us on that front.

Elliot: A lot of the research on goals shows that we're really, really bad at it. You know, most goals fail, um, where there's all sorts of pitfalls in terms of how we set goals for ourselves. Are they too hard? They're too hard and often they're too big. Which makes them kind of unattainable.

Nancy: But not all is lost. Elliot studies how we can use our natural, if somewhat flawed, neuro-hardwiring to actually create behavior changes and reach our goals. It’s a field called translational neuroscience.

music Elliot: Translational neuroscience is taking what we know about the neural systems of human behavior and human thoughts and emotions. And using that information to create interventions or programs that help people change their behavior in some way, My particular interest in that is thinking about how we use information about how the brain creates habits, how the brain is motivated to obtain various things and using that to help us change our behavior more effectively.

Nancy: For those of you struggling with some of this vocab like I was in the interview, a neuro system is basically a term that describes how all of the different parts of the brain work together.

Elliot: Parts of the brain and the way they are active during different mental processes, like thoughts and emotions and how the brain is interconnected sort of within itself. So different parts of the brain. Talk to each other. And thinking about, you know, okay. So during say a motivated state, what are the parts of the brain that are active?

The way to think about it is you, you can use a computer analogy if you want. So there's each little part of your computer. Does something on its own, right? The CPU does kind of computations, right. Or the Ram stores things temporarily. But of course the computer doesn't work the way that we would want it to work without all those pieces talking to each other.

Music out

Nancy: So explain what happens in our brains when we're forming habits.

Elliot: What happens when we form habits is our brains have the capacity to form an association between a particular behavior and a particular cue. Usually it's something that gets rewarded.

Nancy: So, for a very basic lab-ratty example: the cue could be a red light. A red light turns on, you press a lever, and you get a reward. Maybe the machine spits out a nice slice of chocolate cake.

Eliott: And the way that works at the level of the brain is the reward serves to form a connection between the cue and the behavior. The idea is once that happens a few times you no longer really need to be rewarded. Eventually when you see the cue, the behavior will become the kind of dominant response that happens.

Nancy: But in humans, a cue isn’t necessarily something as simple as a red light. It could be something higher level.

Eliott: Getting in my car in the morning or finishing a meal, which would, for example, for a smoker, be cues that they've associated with smoking a cigarette.

Nancy: Elliot says that those “cues” are the most important part of creating habits. Eventually when we see the cue our brain will start to release hormones that reinforce the behavior before the reward even appears. Eliott used the example of building a consistent fitness routine.

Elliot: Behavior change is at first, very deliberately building out the structures in your world to support the behavior, to make sure that there's always a cue that goes with the behavior. So a lot of people will do things like put their running shoes or their gym bag somewhere, very visible or accessible. So that later when you see the cue, it reminds you to go work out. They might even structure their world or structure their day so that there's a chunk of time in, you know, sort of in their world reserved for the exercise. And so that even that time can then become the cue or it's like, oh, I'm free for an hour right now. I have nothing to do. That's a good cue to go, go out and exercise.

Nancy: But one of the biggest barriers to making sure that cue is recognized? Building it into our already busy schedules and routines in a consistent way.

Elliot: Sometimes you have to ask the question, not so much, why am I not doing the new thing that I want to do? Right. Which is working out, but why is it that my life is already so full?

Nancy: And all those things that fill up your life? They’re like an endless maze of other habits that you’ve already built into your routine, that you have to contend with in order to build a new habit.

Elliot: I would say that's sort of a second theme of what can become barriers or what can become a challenge for behavior changes. You're never just creating a new behavior. You're always overcoming old ones.

Nancy: Another barrier? Often those old habits are connected to a way that we see ourselves. A sense of identity that can be really hard to overcome if your new habit doesn’t fit with your picture of yourself.

Elliot: So the idea is you're never just changing a single behavior, right? There's other things that you're working against, you have existing behaviors in your life that you're working. And you also have existing identities, right?

Music

I have family in Louisiana and for them to say, you know what? They are pork people like that is a part of their identity in Louisiana is it's absolutely true. Right. And it's all well and good for somebody there to say, I want to start eating more healthily. You know, that seems like a reasonable goal. But if you think about a goal like that within the broader context of like, it's actually quite important to us at a cultural level, at a personal level, To have, you know, to eat these things, you know, fried pork products or ham bacon, you know, probably more than is advisable, right.

Is, um, an important part of their identity. And so the point of that argument is just to say that before you embark on some behavior change, it's important to think about what are the processes in our lives culturally. Individually, personally, that maintain the behaviors that we have, not just the fact that they've been reinforced in the past, but also the fact that they're kind of embedded in our, in our life and our social systems. then on the flip side of that, you can imagine, well, what would be ways that I could connect that new behavior that I'm trying to do up to my broader identity?

Nancy: So how could I be still be eating pork but in, in a healthy way.

Elliot: yes, exactly. Or maybe thinking about recasting or reframing the identity and say, you know, yeah. You know, pork is sort of part of our culture here, but, but so is, you know, so are collard greens, right? And maybe green, maybe that is the thing that I'm going to attach to say. That's what I identify with in terms of food in Louisiana.

Music out

Nancy: All this talk of identity made me think about MY fitness habits. How my identity had always been really attached to working out. I’d had a lot of pride in it. But now with my physical limitations, I didn’t have that anymore. I wondered if my situation might be similar to the pork-eating example that Eliott mentioned.

Elliot: Sometimes it's really thinking of. You know, well, what is, what, what are other parts of your identity that, that you do care about that you could potentially attach to physical activity? so maybe it's not now activity for activity's sake. Maybe it's something about, um, self care, right? Maybe the idea is I'm a person that takes care of myself and, you know, I do have this condition of arthritis, but in fact, physical activity is part of caring. You know, it's part of my sort of medical regimen for caring for myself. Nancy: So it would be more tied to another example would be, oh, I want to be able to go to an event and stand there and not be in pain. And in order to do that, I need to be doing these stretches and working out in this different way than I'm used to.

Nancy: But that still left me with a question. WHY did I even want to work out in a different way? What was the larger goal here?

Nancy: You started out at the very beginning and you said something about setting big goals. We set big goals as human beings, is it? And so then the common wisdom is to make it make the goals bite-sized, but then that's, but that's less exciting.

Elliot: It's less exciting and it's less satisfying. Which is a trick from the science of habit formation. At first, when you're starting, you want to set small goals that are attainable, that are rewarding, right? That's how you build habits by reinforcing, you know, small wins. But from the bigger picture, what makes goals rewarding intrinsically for humans? If they're not things that are sort of primary rewards…

Nancy: Primary rewards are things that give us immediate satisfaction like food, sleep, drugs, sex… On the flip side, are higher-level rewards.

Eliott: Like feeling a sense of self fulfillment, becoming the best version of me, right. It's hard to feel that way if you're just taking these baby steps. And so another insight I think from, and this comes more from psychology and the neuroscience, is the idea of a goal hierarchy.

Music

The idea that even those big goals can get connected down to small things. And the way that we organize our behaviors and our goals in our minds is actually really, really important. The way you understand those small steps as being connected or, you know, a small instantiations of a larger thing are really important. Sometimes people refer to it as a why, how hierarchy. You can start at the top level. Like I want to be a healthy person, right? That's a big goal. It's a sort of a lifelong goal, but you can break that down and go down the levels of the hierarchy by asking the question of how right.

So healthy person, how do I do that? Well, I can imagine several ways I can eat healthily. I can be, be more physically active and after each of those. You can ask how right. And in fact, you can always continue to ask how do I eat healthily, eat more vegetables? How do I be more active while I maybe start jogging.

Nancy: And it’s just as important as you’re breaking down the “hows” to go up the hierarchy for each small goal you have and ask why?

Elliot: Like, okay, I just had a salad for. That's great. You know, good for me, but think about the question of why, right? Why was I doing that? Well, I did that because I want to, I want to have a healthy diet and why do I want that? Because I want to have be a healthy person. So understanding the connections kind of up and down the hierarchy is really important because it helps us make connections between small victories, which can be satisfying. And then the really sort of truly fulfilling thing, which is making progress on those big high level goals.

Nancy: If you reach high enough for the “why” you could end up getting some pretty deep, introspective answers to that question.

Elliot: Usually the ultimate answer is you have some sort of vision of yourself, right? Whatever it might be, and that you're trying to attain that kind of vision.

And so this behavior will help you get to that and it might not necessarily be connected to health. Right. So a lot of people want to change their behavior because they want to live long enough to, you know, seat, know their grandchildren and they care about that. You can even ask that. So why, why do you want to meet your grandchildren?

Right. Well, because it's really important to me to feel a sense of my, you know, lineage carrying on through time. Okay. That's a big high level. And you can say, yeah, well it's connected to eating this salad, whatever it is, that's connecting those specific behaviors to something that is truly meaningful for you.

Music out Oftentimes in general, people will sell it, set a goal and backslide because it's not connected to some sort of higher level purpose.

Nancy: But take comfort. Even experts in goal setting and habit forming aren’t necessarily good at it.

Nancy: Are you really good at making habits and change or?

Elliot: I'm less terrible than I once was. Now in academia, we have a saying research is me-search right. You study the things that, that are really challenging for you. And so goals has always been something of a personal fascination because of my frustrations with it. Beat

Elliot: I would say change is hard at first because of the demands of planning. It’s a confluence of two things that are very hard, right? Planning, which is the very kind of abstract forward-thinking kind of, you know, only humans do this kind of thinking type of thinking. And at the same time, you're overcoming really powerful ancient brain systems that support and maintain habits.

Nancy: And giving yourself grace in the face of those ancient brain systems– something that is honestly SUPER hard to do, even from an evolutionary perspective– really seems to be the key to making change last. Maybe music till out

Eliott: We're beings that are designed to form habits. We're designed to get into a rut. I mean, that's sort of how our brains work. I think humans are kind of adapted to have the capacity to change, have the capacity to do new things, but it comes at a very high cost, right? To do something new. It really demands all of your attention. It demands focus, and that in some ways is our most precious resource. So anytime you're changing, you're sort of working uphill, right? You're going against that machinery. Beat

I think a lot of people on into intellectual level understand. The sort of rejection of dualism, this idea of like, well, are the mind and the brain, you know, is, is there some S is, does the mind exist separate from the brain, you know, as the body and the soul kind of thing.

Like they get that like, no, no, there's not really a soul separate from your body. You know, if one dies, the other dies, that kind of thing. But it's, it is still like very extremely appealing intuitively to think of a separation between them. And I think that even plays out in science, right. People very much think about, well, I'm studying psychology and that's separate from the brain. But even though you're kind of acknowledging like, no, they really can't be. A CT III: Nancy Changes Her Brain… slowly but surely!

Nancy: Since I was discharged from PT around the time I interviewed Elliot, talking to him opened up a whole new way of thinking for me. He talked about the vision of yourself– your identity– and how that can prevent us from making change, and I had a major ah-ha!

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I hadn’t created a realistic vision for myself that holds my physical limitations and the need to move my body. I have not been able to change my image of myself from someone who had no physical limitations to someone who has chronic physical limitations. AND I hadn’t realized how hard change is to actually implement– because of the way humans evolved! I needed to accept a new vision of myself, give myself grace, and take small steps towards a larger change and a powerful “why”-- connected more to my own self-care, than to an outdated vision of myself.

I wish I could tie this story up in a neat little bow. And say after that ah-ha, I did successfully change the vision in my head from one of being fit and strong to one of having grace with my body and being kind even though I probably won't ever get back to the level of my 30s. But I know that isn't how change works. It takes time and baby steps.

I have been trying to build a relationship with myself that isn't one of pushing but one of kindness and curiosity—noticing where my body hurts and how it feels after gentle stretching. Reminding my Monger that my body is different now, not better or worse, just different, and while I probably won't get back to where I was in my 30s, that doesn't mean I should do nothing.

Changing the picture I had of myself in my head, the standard I’ve always held myself to, has been hard. There is grief and sadness, mourning what I used to be. AND there is hope that I can figure out how to be in this body and find the sweet spot of challenging myself but not to the point of pain. It’ll just take lots of deliberate baby steps, to get to that ultimate place of change.

Music out

That’s it for this week! In our next episode we’re going to look at how entrenched beliefs– from politics, to long-held ideas about ourselves– can keep us from change. I’ll speak to an author and creativity facilitator, who had to break down her entrenched beliefs about herself in order to keep moving down her own path. That’s next time, on the Happier Approach.

Music out

Nancy: The Happier Approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me, Nancy Jane Smith. Music provided by Pod5 and Epidemic Sound. For more episodes, to get in touch, or to learn more about Self Loyalty School, you can visit nancy jane smith dot com. And if you like the show, leave us a review! It actually helps us out a lot.

Special thanks to Dr. Elliot Berkman for speaking with us today.

The Happier Approach will be back with another episode in two weeks. Take care, until then.

Bonus Episode: The Time I Hired a Matchmaker

In this extra-special bonus episode, Nancy tells a super personal story of self-loyalty with appearances from the Monger, the BFF, and finally, the Biggest Fan.

She describes how she created her new course: Self Loyalty School. She tells us how you can start looking to the inside rather than to what other people think is right, to cultivate self-loyalty and quiet your anxiety.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

- Nancy's super personal story of self-loyalty.

- Tips for quieting your anxiety through self-loyalty.

- How to sign up for Self Loyalty School.

Resources:

Learn more about Self Loyalty School:

- Go to https://selfloyaltyschool.com

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy: Hey guys, it’s me! Nancy Jane Smith. Before we kick off a brand new season of the Happier Approach– episode 1 will be dropping into your feed on March 4– I wanted to give you guys a little something extra special. Call it a belated Valentine’s Day card from me to you. What follows in this bonus episode is a super-personal story of self-loyalty. Hope you enjoy.

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
-Dr. Suess

"You will NEVER find someone you are too awkward, too much of a loner. You are just too neurotic to find a partner.."

This was my Monger's constant commentary as I entered my 30s. (My Monger is my name for that mean inner critic voice). I was single as I had been for much

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of my life, and I wanted to find someone to share my life with.

After trying Match, Eharmony, and countless blind dates from friends, I decided to hire a Matchmaker. My High Functioning Anxiety told me that I could overcome my lack of dateablity IF I found the right hack. I needed to find someone to tell me what I was doing wrong, tell me what I needed to change, and help me make the changes, so I could find a partner before I turned 35.

As I drove to my introductory meeting with the matchmaker, I was nervous and excited. This is it, I told myself she is going to fix me, make me dateable, and I will find someone to share my life with. Elizabeth, the matchmaker and dating coach, greeted me in the reception area, and we made our way through a maze of hallways to a small cramped office. She described her services, a dating makeover,

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coaching sessions, exact matches,and mix and mingle events. As I wrote a check for WAY too much money, I thought, this is it! This WILL work.

At the first session with Elizabeth we went through her suggestions. First up, I needed to read The book The Rules—a book written in the 90s giving women 35 rules to follow to 'land a man.' The rules included, Let him lead (not my strength because I love to be in charge), Be Mysterious (another ding I pride myself on being straightforward and transparent.) It even had advice on appearance: "Men like women who are neat and clean." It advised, "If you have a bad nose, get a nose job; color your gray; grow your hair long." Yep, what should have been a major red flag to my independent, no-rules-playing self was just one

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more thing I needed to change. I mean, clearly, I was doing it wrong, so the key must be–being less me.

At the time, I had short blond hair and was a few pounds overweight. So my dating coach advised me to lose some weight and grow my hair. She also told me to stop wearing a ring with a diamond in it my Dad had given me (one of my most treasured possessions) and wax my face, ok, just my upper lip. I headed to the salon to get the blond hair that no one had ever noticed removed from my upper lip. Not only was it excruciatingly painful, within a few hours, red puss filled bumps popped all over my sensitive skin. Yep, I was definitely going to attract a guy looking like this!

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Eventually, it was time for my photoshoot, and my standard sky blue crew neck cardigan sweater, which I felt brought out my blue eyes was NOT ok. Of course, I had to have something tight and low cut which I didn’t own, so off to the mall I went to find something Rules appropriate. The photos were cringe-worthy unnatural. I didn't even recognize myself in them. And of course, my Monger had a lot to say "OH MY GOD–you look ridiculous, you can't even look sexy when people are helping you! You are doomed!"

Even though none of this felt like me, I jumped through every hoop my matchmaker laid out because she fed into my belief that I was broken and flawed and needed SOMEONE to save me. To tell me HOW to be dateable. And my matchmaker was happy to take my money and my time.

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Finally, it was time for my dates, my upper lip was just recovering from the waxing debacle, and I was ready for my first date. The day of my first date, I put on my new tight, low-cut outfit, a far cry from the standard turtle neck, wool sweater, and jeans I usually wore.. As I was driving to the coffee shop, my anxiety was high, and my Monger and BFF were going at it. Monger: You are so awkward–I mean, you can put the sexy outfit on the girl, but that doesn't mean she looks sexy.

Followed by my BFF (the voice of self-indulgence and false self-compassion) Let's blow this off. Who cares what this guy thinks of you!? There is wine and chocolate at home, and you can put on your turtle neck and curl up with your favorite being, Pooh, my cat.

Not surprisingly, the Biggest Fan, the voice of Self Loyalty, was silent.

My date, Matt, greeted me, and he was cute! Score one for Elizabeth the matchmaker. But that was it. The rest of the date was

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him looking disinterested and me getting hammered by my Monger for not being entertaining enough.

Later, when I chatted with Elizabeth, she told me that he just wasn't interested. She then asked, "Have you read The Rules? Because if you had, then that date might have gone better." More fodder for my Monger.

When Date #2 came around, I told myself that I would follow The Rules and let him plan everything. But this guy, Brad, obviously didn't read The Rules because he was so passive he couldn't plan anything! After a couple of unsatisfying conversations, I broke The Rules and suggested we go to a bar and watch the NCAA Basketball tournament–it was March, and I love March Madness. But Brad didn't like bars or basketball–2 dings for Brad.

When I gave the feedback to my matchmaker about Brad not wanting to plan and me not being interested in him, Elizabeth gave me a lecture about being

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too picky and not giving him a chance. I wondered if she gave that SAME feedback to Matt, the first guy whose feedback was simply that he wasn't interested in me.

I was beginning to doubt the Matchmaker–but my Monger was strong. "This woman knows better than you. I mean, you have been so unsuccessful in meeting someone. Do you think you can do any better?!?! Obviously, you are too frumpy, unsexy and now, after reading The Rules, it is clear you are too bossy and too controlling. You will NEVER find anyone."

My friend, Doug, was one of my closest friends, a member of my inner circle. He and I had tried dating years ago but had decided we were better as friends. Doug had just moved back home after four years in Florida, and we were catching up on the news. I shared with him all the things my Matchmaker told me I needed to change about myself in order to find a man. As he listened

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to me talk about growing out my hair, removing the ring from my Dad, and getting my face waxed, he suddenly jumped up on the couch and stretched his arms out wide–THIS IS YOU, he said, energetic, dynamic, independent, and full of life. And then he scrunched back down on the couch and said, this is what she is trying to turn you into… don't let her…

I looked at him, stunned. He was the first person who didn't tell me I had to change to meet someone. The message was confusing, wait a minute, I don't need to change?!? The message that I was broken and undateable had been playing in my head for so long I couldn't understand what he was saying. Everyone else, including my Monger,

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was telling me I needed to change. I needed to be different. There was something broken in me, and I needed to fix it.

But at that moment, hanging out on the couch, Doug reminded me I was enough just as I am, and I was wasting time looking outside of myself. Once he pointed me in that direction, things took a different turn…

Shortly after that conversation on the couch with Doug, I fired the matchmaking service. AND I found someone I liked, fell in love, and got married.

And on our wedding day, when it was time to read my vows, this is what I said, You have given me the greatest gift possible. You let me be me. You let me be my anxious, intense, neurotic, controlling, stubborn, in charge, independent self. All while knowing and nurturing my emotional, laughter-loving, vulnerable, self too. You

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stretch me to become a better person, all while being my biggest fan and my greatest support.

That person was Doug–yep, the same guy on the couch.

We married a few years after this conversation. But that conversation was when I knew he was more than just my friend. The story of him on the couch also made it into my wedding vows because it was so impactful.

I am not sharing this to share how amazing my husband is (even though I think he is!) I am sharing this story because I spent much of my life looking outside of myself for the answer–when I get married, when I get my dream job, when I have a house, the list goes on and on. And once I have all of those things when that magical when appears THEN, my Monger will be quiet, and my anxiety will be less. But what Doug has

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taught me–and for sure it is the greatest lesson–it isn't about looking outside of yourself for the answer–it is about looking INSIDE—and being loyal to what is there.

We have been married for over ten years. The beauty is I found someone who appreciates and is willing to deal with my anxious, neurotic, overly controlling traits. Even marrying someone who accepted me 100 percent for who I am didn't fix me.

I spent most of my early adult years trying to fix myself to be more acceptable, acceptable in dating, acceptable in my work, acceptable in my friendships. I had no idea that it wasn’t about fixing it was about accepting. Accept myself as I was, imperfectly awkward. THIS is self-loyalty.

It isn't about hacking ourselves or fixing ourselves; it is about being loyal to ourselves and having our own back. When we are as loyal to ourselves as we

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are to others, we can stop pushing and start engaging in the activities that ease our anxiety.

There are so many self-help courses out there teaching you– just like the matchmaker said to me– that THEY can fix you. The answer isn’t someone else’s hack or someone else’s way. And it certainly isn’t about following the rules. The answer is to have your own back and be loyal to yourself even when it feels impossible. The answer isn’t out there– it is in you.

That is why create Self Loyalty School: to shine a light on that fact and make it approachable for everyone.

In Self-Loyalty School, I will be your Doug.

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Okay, so I won't jump up on your couch to show you who you are. And we're not going to get married. But I am here to guide you in building self loyalty so that you can quiet your High Functioning Anxiety and live with more ease and peace.

Nancy: Thanks for listening to this very special episode of the Happier Approach. To find out more about Self Loyalty School you can visit self loyalty

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school dot com. And for more stories of self-loyalty, stay tuned for our new season! We’ll be back with our first full episode in two weeks.

Nancy: The Happier Approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me, Nancy Jane Smith. Music provided by Pod5 and Epidemic Sound. If you like the show, leave us a review! It actually helps us out a lot.

Take care, until next time.

Season 2 Episode 8: Square Peg

In this episode, we explore embracing your square peg self rather than always trying to fit into a round hole.

In this episode, Nancy recounts a story of a moment where she didn't feel like she fit in her surroundings at all, but was able to find a very solid moment of connection with her inner voice of self-loyalty. Nancy shares a conversation with her childhood pastor, and friend, Gary Ritts. Gary tells the story of how he switched denominations partway through his ministerial career and never looked back. Finally, we get to hear a little more about Nancy's dad Ted, and how he inspired friends like Gary by being their human personification of the Biggest Fan.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How to separate the voice of the Biggest Fan from the Monger and the BFF.

• How to accept your own square peg style.

• How to use moments of connection to tap into the voice of the Biggest Fan.

• Stories and advice from Gary Ritts.

Resources mentioned:

• Coach in Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy : Hey guys, it's me, Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to the happier approach the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed a salon achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. Well, guys, we've finally arrived in the magical Land of Oz. This is our final episode of the season. On our journey down the yellow brick road to self loyalty, we've met friends like the biggest fan and foes like our old pal, the longer, we've talked with scientists and actors and walk through labyrinths, it's been quite a journey.

Nancy : This final episode is all about the final ingredient in the happier approach philosophy. Those ruby slippers you're wearing that can take you home to safety with a simple click of your heels. I'm talking about your inner sense of self loyalty. But even when we've done so much work to understand when that self low voice is speaking to us, it can be hard to separate out the noise of the monger or the BFF telling us that we're not good enough that we don't quite fit, that even though you're a square peg, you need to fit into a round hole. But when we're able to truly tune into our self loyalty, listen to that voice and begin to walk our own authentic path. That's when the magic really happens.

Nancy : My old office was bright and cheery, lots of natural light, fun, funky furniture and a bright orange accent wall. I loved my office, it was comfy and cozy and warm. This was a place I designed. It wasn't your typical therapists office, I had created my very own square hole for my square peg style. But there were a few downfalls to my office.

Nancy : Just because I had designed my office doesn't mean it was monga free. Some days my client appointments were spread wide apart, I would have a client at am pm and pm. So between clients, I would do writing or other work to spend my time. During those quiet work moments. My mongar would be loud, you're wasting time. And this writing sex, you aren't helping anyone with this crap. Her commentary was relentless. You are a crappy therapist, you are deep enough, you are helpful enough. Plus my cozy warm office was surrounded by a collection agency, which had rented all the other offices in my building. Often I would hear through the walls and agent on the phone trying to do collections. So we have a bill of $, from the lifeflight you had and if you make a payment today of $, we can start decreasing that bill. hearing those conversations was hard and also gave my mongar more fodder. You are so privileged it's so easy for you to sit here and judge. And the third downfall, the shared bathroom downstairs. Being the introvert I am I hated going to the bathroom downstairs, running the risk of running into someone or a group of people. And with my arthritis. Managing the stairs was particularly challenging because I had to hold on to the railing and hobble down the stairs. If someone was standing in the hallway, my mongar would start in. If you are in better shape, this wouldn't be so hard. You are just fat and out of shape. And now everyone can see that.

Nancy : And then there was the bathroom, dingy, smelly and hot. Inevitably one of the stalls would be unusable because it was clogged or out of toilet paper and the hand towels would be overflowing out of the trashcan.

Nancy : So one day I was having a particularly loud mongar day. I remember struggling with the grief over my dad's death and my mongar screeching you should be over this already. Why do you keep dwelling on his death? My biggest fan was trying to step in with grief takes time you will grieve him for the rest of your life. He was your dad your person. Of course, you're still grieving. And to top it all off, my arthritis was flaring and I was feeling beaten down exhausted and grouchy. By the time I made it to the bathroom, my head was spinning with all the shoulds of my mongar you should be in better shape. You should weigh less. You should be over your dad's death already. You should be more productive. You should be a better therapist.

Nancy : On and on and on.

Nancy : Even though I'd created this beautiful office space that fits my own unique style as a therapist, my mongar was still following me poking me in the ribs every chance she could get exactly where I had a bruise that wasn't quite healed yet. So how do we give ourselves grace in those moments? How do we tap into that feeling in our bones that we are on the right path? Even if that path seems strange from the outside, looking in?

Nancy : Right on time, but I got a little slack because I knew it was Gary. So I was like,

Gary : I take that knife right out of my back in a good thing. That's a good Oh, okay.

Nancy This is my old friend, Reverend Gary Ritz. Oh, shit, I gotta go. I forgot to tell mom that I was chatting with you. But I'll chat with her later today and tell her Oh, she listens to your sermon every weekend.

Nancy : She's a Gary devotee. Yes. Gary was the pastor at my church growing up. Even though he and his wife Judy only lived in our town in Ohio for a few years, they made a big impression on me and my family.

Nancy : Because you guys were unlike, you know, for me, I'm like any of our neighbors, or anyone we knew, because you were at that hippie dippie vibe that I was attracted to, but didn't have

Gary it was almost like stepping outside what seemed to be the normal culture around there, which farming country blue collar area. And all of a sudden, we're in with you guys. heartwarming and very normal and natural people. And we could talk what I felt like was on an equal level, not, you know, Minister to congregant. But as friends. I think that was the greatest thing that we became true friends. And there was no division among us.

Nancy Do you have any specific memories you would share about that time with us with our family

Gary it was an older house, beautiful, warm, had a kind of

Gary : a weathered smell about it, as I recall.

Gary : Always cooking going on. And you entered it and you just fell at home. As soon as you walked in, and your dad with his big welcoming voice and his huge laugh. I can still hear him laughing.

Nancy Gary's path to becoming a pastor started long before those afternoon spent with my family in Ohio.

Gary My father was a minister, my grandfather was a minister. And I can still remember I was in seventh grade and coming out of one of my father's churches after church, and somebody said to me, so what are you going to be when you grow up? And I just inadvertently said, Oh, I'll be a minister. And it just kind of kept going from there.

Nancy So Gary went to seminary school to become a Methodist minister, like his father and grandfather before him,

Gary I really didn't receive a sense of I'm in the right place until I was in seminary, because my faith was more of an intellectual pursuit, head trip, if you will. So I was just going through the motions. But then when I got to seminary, they had some interesting courses on spirituality and yoga, and getting in touch with the spirit within your body and listening to that other still small voice, not the big voice that's trying to overpower. And all of a sudden, it came alive for me. I thought I could do this.

Nancy Gary was beginning to carve his own path and the ministry, but sometimes working in the conservative Methodist Church, it just didn't feel right.

Gary The seeds of discontent were sown early for me, because I went to school out in Denver, Colorado, to a seminary that was very liberal and open minded. And I just remembered today that as I was out there, my internship was actually at a Congregational Church, UCC. So right away, I had an introduction to a different style. I was the Methodist going to this Congregational Church.

Nancy What's the difference between Methodist and congregational? Would you say

Gary two things, the structure itself is kind of the opposite. In the Methodist Church, it's sort of a power flow down the powers at the top. The UCC United Church of Christ is the opposite. The congregation is the final authority. The other thing, the difference is the Methodist Church is much more conservative in biblical understanding. And the UCC. The United Church of Christ is almost as liberal and open minded as the Unitarians, so their way left. So I was raised in a Methodist Church. I went to school to Methodist seminary. I started there in two Methodist churches.

Nancy But still, Gary didn't feel

Nancy : Like he was fitting into the Methodist mold,

Gary I began to sense the conservative trend around me. Even within the churches, I knew that there were those who wanted me to be different. And I wasn't giving them enough of the conservative side, it wasn't real vocal. But every once in a while I get the hint, I could play the game of the Methodist Church, you know, I could please the guys up in the offices. I knew how to do that. But I felt like it was being not true to myself. There was something missing. And then that was increasingly problematic for me. It felt like I was being disingenuous,

Gary : using the conservative language just to please people when I didn't believe it. And I found myself preaching a lot of messages more about personal responsibility and openness to other people and, and a faith that's based on what's going on inside you, not the Bible.

Gary : To follow a path that you you sense and that's not what they wanted to hear. But I just felt a little uncomfortable. Like I wasn't, I wasn't toeing the company line. I was feeling in myself that I this isn't working for me, I need to be honest with myself and with what some of my needs were and explore that side of me that was yearning for something different, something new.

Gary : The turning point for me, the tipping point was actually a puppet exchange where a minister from one church would switch places with the minister and another church was sort of like dominoes. One guy here, one guy there and one guy there, each of us would be in a different pulpit. So I happened again, to end up at a UCC church. And I love the people were very responsive. They love my message. The minister actually said to me, that I met him afterwards, he said, you know, you should look into the UCC, we'd be glad to have you. At that point. I asked mom. I said, Mom, what? What would dad have said, If I wanted to leave the Methodist Church. And she says, you know, he almost did too.

Gary : He had a run in with the hierarchy, as well. And only a couple years later, he left the pastor to become an administrative position in the Methodist Church. And I thought, well, and but she came back and said, but don't tell your grandmother.

Gary : I applied for a position in the UCC, I got a call from a church in Connecticut, in . And I was to be associate slash youth director.

Gary : And I thought, oh, that could be fun. We jumped ship in , and moved out to Fairfield, Connecticut,

Nancy now, nearly years later, and even though he's technically retired, Gary is still a pastor with the Congregational Church.

Gary When I look back over the sermons that I preached, especially the last years, almost every single one somehow touches the point of be aware of the spirit that is around you, like music and nature. And stories, stories were so important. I mean, I would always use the Bible as the basis. And I would make the point that Jesus was a storyteller. You know, that's, that's what he did. He tried to help people discover their faith alive within them. Like, Jesus isn't the end. It's what he represents. It's what's behind him. The cross isn't to be worshipped, it's what's behind that sacrifice, and compassion. And I always tried to teach that anyway, that I'm not here to preach. But

Nancy : so would you say you're even though you've switched denominations, your faith has stayed the same?

Gary Yeah, if not more open, the the older you get you realize that change as hard as it is, when you do change, you hope something will get better. And as you grow older, it doesn't always. So you begin to ask yourself more and more, what voice Am I hearing? What voice am I listening to? How do I figure out if that's my best friend or my big fan, or the longer that's talking? And I found myself that it's really important to be quiet

Gary : and just let things move within you and give it time. It's not something you can rush it you have to just sit with it for a while and do whatever you can do some journaling

Gary : Do some drawing or playing music or something that can help you get in touch with where you are in your journey and what you're really listening for.

Gary : It's important to name what's going on, I always tell the story that Jesus named the demons. And that's how you got control over

Gary : demons, I understand as negative thoughts, fear, monger talking, you know, if you can name those things, then you have more control over the source. And what you do with that. Self loyalty begins with knowing yourself. And that's not easy. To me, self loyalty means being, first of all aware of the self you're talking about. Explore your feelings, explore what you enjoy what you like to do, what you don't like to do. And then name those things. And then give yourself permission to choose what part of yourself you want to show, when it's appropriate, when it's when someone

Gary : will validate it for you. And be aware that there are those who will not. So it's okay to withhold a part of your true self. But find that authentic self first within yourself, listening to the voices that make you feel good about yourself, and worth something in the world, that you are lovable, and acceptable. That part is where you come from, choose it and make it work for others and for yourself, too.

Nancy : Since Gary is an old friend, and he knew my dad, Ted, the person who started my whole happier approach journey in the first place, I wondered, did he think my dad was self-loyal?

Gary As far as I could tell, I would say yes, he was a fast thinker. And he had his strong feelings about a lot of stuff. I don't remember ever getting into an argument with him because I knew it wouldn't be worth the effort. Because he was smarter than I was. Anyway.

Gary: His voice was one of wisdom. And that was I always appreciated it. He seemed to me to be a man of integrity. And I really admired that. And I think you could honestly count on what he said to you is His truth.

Gary : You know, that he wasn't hiding behind any image of himself or saying something I wanted to hear. You know, I think he was just very honest.

Nancy Okay. Do you have anything else to wrap us up? You would say or thought you'd leave us on?

Gary : Just thanks to to Ted, for being a person in my life. That Truly, I think accepted me as I was, and celebrated that because I certainly felt like I could be myself. So he's probably partly responsible for the fact that I am a United Church of Christ minister these days because he implied that it was okay to be myself.

Gary : Good fella. That guy.

Nancy He was good fella. You have me over here crying.

Nancy : I miss him.

Gary Yes, me too.

Nancy : But he was, but I think that was what was most. One of the most amazing things about him is his exterior. He was a biggest fan for a lot of people.

Gary Yes, yes.

Nancy And you wouldn't have known that when you first met him. But the people that took the time?

Gary Yep, you're right. He had kind of a gruff exterior. Yeah. But boy, what a soft guy he was.

Nancy : Gary's journey to self loyalty helped along by kind folks, like my dad really reminded me of how important it is to focus in on your true self loyal voice, to look at yourself right in the face and say, I may be a square peg, but I can find my own square peg path. And that's okay. In fact, it's exactly what I need.

Nancy : When we last left off, I was having a really bad longer day, struggling with grief over my dad's death, and attempting to take a breather in my dingy downstairs office bathroom.

Nancy : As I pushed open the door to the bathroom, I was greeted with that steel air of a poorly ventilated space. But one bright spot, I was alone. No one else was in the bathroom. As I exited the stall and made my way to the sink, I started washing my hands. I glanced up into the mirror to check my hair, make sure it looked presentable. But then, for some reason, I paused and I thought, wow, I rarely look at myself. I

Nancy : looked into my eyes and I said out loud How you doing? And initially I smiled thinking of that Joey from friends line. Once I made myself chuckle I looked deeper. I saw myself I saw my tired eyes, I saw my gray hair, and I softened. I started crying, just a few tears, but enough to freak out my mongar What are you doing? Stop crying. That's not appropriate. What if someone sees you? And then Fortunately, my biggest fan chimed in and said, Hey, sweet pea. How are you doing today? What's going on? I put my hands over my heart, took a few deep breaths. And I said to myself, you are okay. Right now you are safe and Okay, no matter what you're feeling. It's okay. I lingered there for what seemed like a long time, but was probably two seconds of just connecting with myself. During those few seconds, as I was making eye contact, I felt my biggest fan myself loyal voice. For a moment, I took off my professional mask of appearing to have it all together, being a good therapist being a good person trying to be on top of everything. And for a brief moment in that mirror, I just connected with me, the human being that is Nancy Jane Smith.

Nancy : Over the years, I've tried to find ways to connect with myself and honor the square peg that I am practicing self care messages, days off with plenty of idle time and even journaling. But those things never worked. sure I'd catch a small break, but nothing stuck. Standing in the dirty smelly bathroom and an office building filled with stress inducing business practices and strangers that I would avoid making small talk with, I was struck those few seconds in the mirror. That was true connection. I wasn't performing a version of myself that had it all together, I was looking at the real me in a place that I didn't feel particularly safe. I could get into that space of calm and centeredness just by truly making eye contact with myself in the bathroom.

Nancy : As I walked back upstairs to my office, I felt a sense of calm, a sense of connection. Being able to allow my tears allow my emotions and not turn my back on myself in that moment. That was important. It sounds extreme. But standing in the dirty bathroom stressed that someone would walk in and having such a deep connection with myself changed my life. I don't always need a massage a day off or many hours devoted to self care to reconnect with myself. To embrace my square peg. I just need to look at myself in the mirror. Really tune into that voice of self loyalty and check in how you do it.

Nancy : That's it for this week. And that's it for this season. Thank you for walking this path of self loyalty with us through all its twists and turns. We're working on some great stories for next season, and hope you'll stick with us for more chats with experts laughter and stories of self loyalty on the next season of the happier approach.

Nancy : The happier approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me Nancy Jane Smith, music provided by pod five and epidemics sound for more episodes to get in touch or to order a copy of my book, the happier approach you can visit live dash happier.com and if you like the show, leave us a review on iTunes. It actually helps us out a lot. Special thanks to Gary Wits for speaking with us for this episode. The happier approach we'll be back with another season this winter. Take care until then.

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Season 2 Episode 4: The Biggest Fan

In this episode, we'll learn about the final character in the Happier Approach cast-- the wise, self-loyal, and sometimes elusive, Biggest Fan.

In this episode, we'll learn about the final character in the Happier Approach cast-- the wise, self-loyal, and sometimes elusive, Biggest Fan. The Biggest Fan always has your back, but that doesn't mean that listening to her is easy. Nancy shares her experience of learning to tap into the voice of the Biggest Fan through the encouragement of her husband Doug. Then, she speaks with actor Victor Warren, who embodies what it means to listen to that self-loyal voice in order to make your dreams come true. Finally, Nancy shares a conversation between herself and her husband Doug, where they talk about the true meaning of the Biggest Fan.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• All about The Biggest Fan

• Tips for tapping into the self-loyal voice of the Biggest Fan.

• Insight from actor Victor Warren.

Resources mentioned:

• Go to www.victorwarren.com.

• Hire Victor to narrate your next audiobook at acx.com

• Follow Victor on Twitter at @victorwarren.

• Coach in Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Music

Nancy VO: Hey guys, it’s me! Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to the Happier Approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships.

Today is the day we get to meet the final, and my favorite, character of the Happier Approach cast. In our yellow brick road analogy she’s like Glenda the Good Witch. Kind, encouraging, and somewhat elusive. She’s not the type to let you off the hook. She’ll still make you walk all the way through the magical land of Oz just to learn that the key to happiness was clicking together the shoes you were wearing the whole time. But in the end you’ll be glad you went on that journey. I’m talking about my wise, self-loyal Biggest Fan.

Like I’ve mentioned in earlier episodes-- for a really long time I believed I needed the Monger to motivate me. I needed to be mean and belittling to myself or I wouldn’t accomplish any of my goals. But lucky for me my husband Doug has big Glenda the Good Witch vibes. When my Monger is running the show, he’s pretty much the real-world, human version of that kind, self-loyal voice of the Biggest Fan.

Music

ACT I: Nancy and Doug the Biggest Fan

Nancy VO: Doug and I were both in the basement. He was working and I was riding the exercise bike listening to a highly successful marketing expert talk about what I should be doing to market my business. Building a network, reaching out to people, and sharing what I do.

That would all require me to put myself out there and be a little more extroverted, which I hate. But by the time I hopped off the bike the marketing expert had motivated me. While I did some post-workout stretches on the floor, I shared what I’d learned with Doug. I even shared how I was going to make it happen.

Doug didn’t say much. He just nodded along and listened intently.

Music shift

After our chat, I walked the 2 flights back upstairs to start my day. By the time I’d showered and dressed and parked myself in front of my computer in my home office…my Monger had started talking.

You suck at networking—you are terrible at it. What do you have to share? Why would someone want to listen to you? You’ll seem so pushy and annoying like one of those horrible sales people. Ugh This is going to be awful.

As soon as my Monger was finished, my BFF stepped in: SCREW this “so-called” expert! This is just her opinion. What does she know?? Let’s just keep doing what we were doing. Passive marketing is where it is at.

By the time my Monger and BFF were done duking it out, I felt totally stuck. So I ventured back down the two flights of stairs to talk with Doug about it. I shared my doubts and the conversation in my head. And again, he quietly listened. Finally he said, “do you think networking more would help?” I said “yes”... and then started in again describing the debate between the Monger and the BFF.

He cut in and replied, “Stop. If you think it will help, then go figure out how to do it. You can totally do this. Just stop debating.” He gave me a hug and turned back to his work.

Beat

With Doug’s back to me, I stood there stunned and a little pissed off. I turned around and walked upstairs with tears in my eyes. That wasn’t the response I’d wanted! I didn’t want to take action—taking action was scary! I wanted to keep debating. I wanted more coddling. More Sweetie I know it is hard. And what I really wanted to hear was this: you don’t have to do this. You can stay small and still run a business. Basically, you don’t have to believe in yourself.

Music out

Believing in myself is something I struggle with. And when I talk about self-loyalty this is it in a nutshell: being able to have your own back. Intrinsically. Knowing that you are enough and that you’ll find your way.

When I’m striking out on my own, putting myself out there and doing new things that scare me it’s particularly hard to tap into that self-loyal Biggest Fan voice. What if you fail my Monger says. What if everyone rejects you AND your ideas?

And that makes me wonder. If I have trouble pushing myself to face potential failure and rejection, how do people who have to face rejection over and over in order to do what they love motivate themselves to keep going. How do they learn to embody that wise voice of the Biggest Fan.

Victor

I've been acting since. since I was 10. My dad was a film composer. My mom was an opera singer. So, so they kind of so I guess that's where I got it.

Nancy VO: This is Victor Warren. He’s made a living as an actor, writer, and director since the early 90s.

Victor

I've done some directing and some writing, a bunch of screenplays playing the try to make movie thing in Hollywood for a while.

Nancy TAPE

What, what, what made you want to be an actor? Do you have like an acting origin story?

Music

Victor

I have a Charlie Chaplin cane that you can't see that's hanging on the wall right here that when I was I think around 10 my birthday gift was a Charlie Chaplin cane and a clown nose. And it was like, That's it. That's it. And you know, I mean, and I did my imitations of Charlie Chaplin.

Victor

My mom did operas at Cal State University Northridge.

Victor

and Dr. Scott, who was the head of the department was conducting the opera and wanted me to do it. And he asked me to do it and sing it in front of everybody. And I just laughed hysterically and couldn't and couldn't do it. And then a year later, they did an opera that was only like they're only like six rolls and it was a pants roll. That's normally paid by a woman, but my voice hadn't changed yet.

And I got to to be in that. I, I got cast and I learned the part and I played it. And I was with these college students, you know, that went on to sing at the Met and but Living in that world where you know I just, I loved the world of it.

Music out

Victor

I'm an artist. So I want to through whatever story or medium I'm doing, I want to affect someone with the possibility of hope and change in their own lives. Which leads me I mean, granted, I'll take a job, and I will be a serial killer, you know, I'll do whatever needs to be done. But in the bottom line, I want to reflect back to somebody who's engaged in it.

Nancy VO: But being an artist and an actor means Victor’s had to deal with rejection A LOT. He is constantly putting himself out there. It’s basically a part of his job.

General Hospital theme

Victor

I did a small reoccurring on Heneral hospital for a little bit, which was great. It was great driving on a lot and Mr. Warren Right this way. And, and, and it with soap operas, you basically get somebody else's dressing room was not working. So I had somebody else's big dressing room and and I thought, Oh, yeah, this is great look, and then the job's done. And then you don't work.

Victor

I'm kind of a character lead. So I'm like a Tom Hanks or Michael Keaton kind of thing. But I'm not a leading like, they didn't know what to do with me. They didn't know how to cast me.

Nancy VO: Even though Victor didn’t fit into some of those Hollywood roles, he kept going. He carved out a niche for himself over the years doing TV commercials and voice overs.

Commercial reel

Victor

I kind of hit a stride. And never made, you know, not a killing, but consistent money that it could support.

Victor

But it's I think. There's so many people that just basically, have given up. And they're, I mean, I'm talking phenomenal, amazing actors talented beyond belief, who just got to a certain point where I got to raise my kids, I can do this thing, I'm going to sell insurance. I'm done. I'm done. I just I've been fortunate enough that I've kind of been able to just keep going. I mean, granted, you have those moments of, like, Holy fuck, I just I sucked at that. Or, you know, you just wonder, cuz no one. It's not like, someone's going here. Good job, God, God, you're great. You know, you're, you're doing it on your own. And you have to find your own support mechanisms.

Victor

There's something in me that don't I I'm struck to use profanity. You know, just fuck it. I'm doing what I'm fucking doing. And granted, you want people to go, Oh, good job, good job. But it's like, I'm doing this, this is what I'm doing. And you're not going to stop me because I'm going to do it anyway. And I don't know where in my genetic pool makeup that comes from. And I've gotten better at I have to trust the fact that there that I'm doing what I'm doing for some reason. And, and just keep one foot in front of the next.

Nancy TAPE

Would you say that you're you kind of motivate yourself to keep going, even though there's rejection happening? Because of, I'm just gonna ask why. How do you motivate yourself to keep going?

Victor

I need I need to create opportunity for myself, because I love doing it.

Victor

I'll never not do it. Like, like, people talk about retiring even actors who work all the time they. But I just, I mean, the only reason I wouldn't do it is because I physically mentally couldn't.

Victor

But you look at somebody like you know, still working all those older actors like Anthony Hopkins in The Father right now. Oh, my fucking God. He's, he's just gorgeous. I mean, it's the craft and I want to be that it's kind of like me, me looking at those. Those people when I did the opera, you know I want to do that. I want to be that person. And the only way I can do it because I don't have those opportunities is just to keep going.

Nancy TAPE

What do you think separates you from the people that are like I'm done. I can’t do it anymore.

Victor

Again, it's just I'm not. I'm never not going to do this. I don't I can't see myself being me. And not doing this.

Beat

Nancy TAPE

would you say you have a biggest fan?

Victor

if I have a biggest fan, it is yourself being your own biggest fan.

Nancy TAPE

Yeah, cuz I would describe mean how you have described like handling the rejection, all of that, to me is a super self loyal way of this is how I want to be, you know, I have to do this like this is I got to figure out a way.

Victor

I mean, I think, which I hadn't really thought about till we've just had this conversation. But I think the the the analogy, or the things that I put together of Anthony Hopkins and my that thing when I was 11/12 years old, doing the opera is very resonant right now in me, based on our conversation just now. So I feel emotional now.

Music

Victor

My friend Paul Raci, who is now he's nominated for Best Supporting Actor this year and Academy Awards for this role that's perfect for him. I was in a play a few years back with Paul, and we became friends. And but he's older.

And, but we're backstage doing this show. That's a beautiful show. But, you know, he's saying, you know, look, I'm done. I'm done. I do these one line things. I don't work. I'm done. I'm finished. This is it. Going on and on about, forget it, fuck it. I'm done. No more rejection, one line pimp rolls, I'm over done. And he gets this roll. That is perfect for him. And he is going to the Academy Awards. I mean, it obviously gives you hope. But you know, not that I'm going to go to the Academy Awards, but whatever it is that makes things happen. Somehow out of the quintesimal fragments of existence, that galvanize into that moment that creates a lifelong opportunity,

I think has to derive itself from the motivation of not giving up, and I'm going to get it done. Because if Paul did give up, he never would have gotten that.

Music out

Nancy TAPE

So do you think that that idea of having your own back, and, you know, kind of that biggest fan thing we've talked about is important?

Victor

It's the only it's the only way you can sustain yourself. Especially for an artist. I mean, granted, I guess someone who works in sales would need the biggest fan to say, I can talk to my boss about this new idea. You know, there, there's different versions of it. But as an artist, definitely.

Victor

I mean, especially if you're an actor, it's all just, you, you you. If you can't help yourself and be your own biggest fan, it'll be much more difficult to succeed or succeed is not the right word to continue doing what you do. Yeah, I mean, I would say that probably most of these other actors I know, who had to give up to financially make money to support their kids to do certain things. I mean, if they had their biggest fan, or they had some, something along those lines that kept them motivated or on track, even though they had to do these other things, they probably wouldn't have given up completely.

Victor

I think what gets you out of it is making a choice and stepping forward. Because what's stopping you is the lack of inertia, the feeling of I just want to pull the covers up over my head, and don't bother me. And so it's, you know, throwing the sheet off and stepping out and taking a shower and saying, just keep going.

Nancy TAPE

Is there anything that the fear of rejection kept you from pursuing?

Victor

No. I don't. I mean, I've learned in the past, and I think it's been a learned thing is that you can't make any choices based on fear. And, and that I think that's a piece of it. So, no, I've never not done anything because I was afraid of,

Victor

Somehow we are all unique. And we all deserve the possibility to empower ourselves to be and do whatever we want. And I think it is a question of trusting and letting that happen. And not questioning it and not being afraid of it. But just moving forward through it.

Victor

You know it sounds so simple, or just you, you have to, you have to live your dream.

Nancy TAPE

I am struck that self loyalty for you is just is a way of being in the world. And I think that's why it isn't something that's separate from you. It is it's a voice but it is like it's just like you kind of ooze it. It's just who you are.

Victor

Iit feels like it is a protective coat. I've created to wear for myself at a young age. And I think I've just worn it.

Victor

And yeah, it's part of me.

Music out

Nancy VO: Just putting one foot in front of the other. Trusting in yourself enough to know that you’ll make it to your next goal. That you’ll keep getting to do what you love despite the potential for rejection. THAT is the voice of the Biggest Fan in action.

Nancy VO: Like I told Victor, I’mstill learning how to trust that voice enough to put myself out there. To do the things that scare me. Like… learning how to network and market my business.

Music

Nancy VO: So last we left off, I was in the middle of a meltdown. In tears that Doug, my husband and the external voice of my Biggest Fan, had kindly, but firmly, told me to just get to work.

Nancy VO: By the time I’d rounded the corner of our second floor and headed back into my office I thought… he’s right. Really? That was the kind kick in the butt I needed. The tears weren’t about him insulting me. The tears were because he was right and I was scared.

To be fair this was a different version of kindness than my husband's usual go-to. Usually he leans more toward the coddling Oh Sweetie I know it is hard perspective. But every now and then, this different style of kindness comes out that is more genuine. It’s tough love. It’s you know how to put one foot in front of the other and you can do this. THAT is the voice of the Biggest Fan.

She says: it is going to be hard, it is going to be stressful and you can do it. No shame, no belittling, no beating me up like the Monger. But ALSO no chocolate, no hours of watching bad TV and making myself feel better by judging other people like my BFF.

On that day, Doug personified my Biggest Fan. He was kind, genuine, and to the point. He’s the Biggest Fan that exists outside of me and reminds me to check in with my internal Biggest Fan.

Music

Doug TAPE

so being the biggest fan and Nancy Jane Smith life? Is?

Doug TAPE

It's unique because she's kind of stubborn. And therefore there's the battle of the BFF and the mongar and then there's like a really stubborn that I want to keep this battle going

Doug TAPE

And it can be risky, but you just got to be like, hey, stubborn lady, stop in all this entanglement of arguing and get to work. Because you know, you need to get to work.

Nancy TAPE

There's a lot of shame in the fact that my mongar and BFF have ruled the day. And then when you come in to say it, you're walking a very, you know, a floor covered in mines. To get to the point where I'm going to be like, Oh, he's not attacking me. He's really, wants what's best for lovingly encouraging me. Versus you are

Doug TAPE

Cracking a whip over here.

Nancy TAPE

So but I think that there are definitely it's not like your success in this. Oh, no. That's it so hard.

It's not like you're a success at it all the time. Being my biggest fan, right?

Doug TAPE

Iit’s why I chose stubborn as well, because it's not like I know what's best. I'll just kind of poke and ask I'm not forcing anything on her. I'm not saying you have to progress and do this way. I'll just be like, hey, I've noticed this taking place. I know you have also so what's up with that?

Nancy TAPE

How would you describe the biggest fan?

Doug TAPE

I mean, the biggest fan is that that kind voice of reason that tells you what to do.

Nancy TAPE

How would you describe the Biggest Fan?

Doug TAPE

It's the one that is going to give you the most benefit not only now but most likely in the future as well. It's if there is such thing as a right choice, it's guiding you towards that right choice based on your morals and your values and your experience like that's that's your biggest fan and you have to believe that your biggest fan is going to be making those right choices or it doesn't quite work. Like yes, my biggest fan knows me. I believe my biggest fan and together we're doing this

Music out

Nancy VO: And that’s exactly what I did. As I sat down at my desk and started building a networking list, I could hear my internal Biggest Fan reflecting back what Doug told me: “You say you want to build a bigger business. You say you think building a network is an important next step. You say you’re scared. Understandable. Both are true so let’s do this.”

Outro

That’s it for this week! In our next episode we’re going to pull back from the nitty gritty of the Happier Approach characters and zoom out to see how we can integrate everything we’re learned about them on our own journey to self-loyalty. First stop: feelings. How do feelings translate into action? Can emotions have an impact on our physical as well as our mental health?

We’ll dive into all of that next time, on the Happier Approach.

Music out

Nancy VO: The Happier Approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me, Nancy Jane Smith. Music provided by Pod5 and Epidemic Sound. And if you like the show, leave us a review on iTunes! It actually helps us out a lot.

Special thanks to Victor Warren for speaking with us today. You can learn more about Victor and follow his work at victor warren dot com.

The Happier Approach will be back with another episode in two weeks. Take care, until then.

Music fade out

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Episode 165: Practicing Self-Loyalty in the New Year - Part 2

In this episode, I’m continuing my conversation with my producer Sean McMullin, going deeper into change, resolutions, and plans for the new year.

The beginning of any new year often hyperactivates our “Shoulds.”

I should lose weight.

I should start meditating more.

I should be kinder to myself.

I should put myself out there more.

I should, I should, I should.

I am no stranger to the Shoulds that my Monger promotes every new year. Like clockwork, those shoulds and New Year, New Me attitudes drift away. My Monger always has a heyday with this—convincing me that I was failing.

But the concept of self-loyalty—the notion that true change comes only when we’re loyal to ourselves first—is what changed the game for me… for the better.

In part one of this series on self-loyalty, I talked with my friend and podcast producer, Sean McMullin. We defined self-loyalty and how to bring self-loyalty to the center of your life as you make plans for change in the new year. If you haven’t listened to part one yet, I recommend that you do it before jumping into this one.

Today, I’m continuing my conversation with Sean, going deeper into change, resolutions, and plans for the new year.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How 2020 and COVID changed our approach to resolutions

• How our image of ourselves, our identities, and our stories can keep us from seeing possibilities

• Upcoming changes for the Happier Approach Podcast

Resources mentioned:

• Headspace Meditation App

• The Real Point of Meditating by Mike Sturm on Medium

• The Science of Mindfulness | Dr. Ron Siegel | Talks at Google

• The Art of Noticing by Rob Walker

• Coach in Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Sean: I am not the best about self-loyalty. And I think expansiveness as a metaphor of I'm allowing myself this year to not only know what I want but to act on it and allow my person and my needs and my aspirations to expand and fill space

Intro Music

Nancy: Today, I'm continuing my interview with Sean McMullin, my friend, and podcast, producer, talking about change, resolutions, and plans for the new year.

If you missed part one, I encourage you to listen to Episode 164 first. In part one, Sean, and I define self loyalty and how to have self loyalty as you make it plans for change in the new year. Often when we have high functioning anxiety, we're so focused on improving and reaching perfection. We forget that true change can only come when we are loyal to ourselves first.

You're listening to the Happier Approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith. Keep listening to hear how 2020, and COVID changed our approach to resolutions, how our image of ourselves, our identities and stories can keep us from seeing all the possibilities and the upcoming changes for the Happier Approach podcast.

Sean: My big resolution for the entire year. It's a layover from my last years from 2020s theme, which I'll be honest, got completely scrapped because last year kind of got weird.

So I decided to roll it over. The theme was thinking big and I liked that. And then I was kind of like doing some meditation on the subject of thinking big and like, why am I interested in doing this? And then I kind of landed on, I am someone who does not often have aspirations.

And it's so interesting that you and I are talking about these things together because. It's like we're Laurel, Laurel, and Hardy or something like we're like, one of us is the straight man, and I'm not sure which one of it is, which one of us, it is. So aspirations, like allowing myself to think big, allowing myself to have big aspirations was thought.

And then I landed on this word of expansiveness. And so this year's theme is expansiveness. I tend to hide. And not let my needs. I am not the best about self loyalty. Um, I quietly do self loyalty, but then I, I spend a lot of time resentful because I just do what other people want me to do.

And I am such an Enneagram nine. I spend so much time quietly, quietly resenting the world and a seething ball of resentment. As my wife calls me. And I think expansiveness as a metaphor of I'm allowing myself this year to, to not only know what I want, but to act on it and allow my person and my needs and my aspirations to expand and fill space.

This might sound weird for some of you listening. To listen to the white man talk about struggling with holding space. And I am the very aware of the irony of this. And I mean, and I am very aware of, yeah, I want to be very clear on this, that I know that I go to the grocery store and you know, the world is just lays out in front of me and everything I want is given to me and it is, and I own that, right?

Yeah. And I also have some struggles with my relationship with her friends. And like, it can be both of those things at the same time. Um, I'm not saying that like I'm suddenly like a, a men's rights advocate, and I'm was like, my needs are blah, blah. You know, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying when I think about something.

I'm allowing myself to let it expand and see what the potential of me as an individual in this world is. And so that goes into the plan for the year. I want to pursue my art on a much deeper and broader level and, and that means acting on it. And that means embracing it and doing something about it.

And so, yeah. I love cozy, quiet little things. I love to sit on the couch and knit and drink tea. I mean, I'm a little old lady and I can also admit that that place of comfort and coziness can hold me back. So

Nancy: yeah. So last year when that was your word,

Sean: because I, so this is true. I did say big things big last year

Nancy: Yeah, you did. Yeah. Okay.

Sean: Okay. I thought so,

Nancy: But you didn't have the accountability pieces of the theme. You just said, this is the theme. Yeah. Thinking big, but there was no smaller chunks of that. Yes. As there are this year. Yeah. Did you lose the theme last year? I mean, I know we have COVID and so it's hard to say like, given that out, but do you think you'd lost it, like lost the focus of it?

Sean: Yes. I did lose the focus. Yes.

Nancy: Kind of got to push to the side.

Sean: Yeah. I mean, I still continue to go back to it as much as I could. Like, I, I continued to say that's what I was doing, but I didn't really do it. I mean, if anything, my life really. Instead of expanding out it very, really contracted in a lot of ways.

Yeah.

Nancy: That could be expansive too

Sean: well. And that's actually one of the things. Yes. Because having all these options and responsibilities, and we talked about your experience over the holiday of not being able to do the things that we always did and what we learned as a result of it, like who are we when all we.

All we have to do is stay home. Who, who do we become? But I think, I think as we're looking towards aspirations and we're looking towards resolutions in this year, 2020 was I think a real opportunity for a lot of us to kind of like take a much closer look at who we are and what we want. And so I'm very interested to see for how 2021 kind of plays out with what we've learned in the last year.

Nancy: Yeah, I agree. It makes me laugh that one of the things I railed against at the beginning of, of COVID quarantine was there were a number of woo people being like, we need this time to, to come into ourselves and, and they were kind of like looking at the positive of COVID. And I was so annoyed. I was just like, this is not positive people.

Like this is a worldwide pandemic and we're all freaking out and yeah. Ooh, this gives us the time to come in and look at ourselves. And part of me was wrong in the sense of, I don't think it was healthy at that point to be like, here's the positive of what's happening. But I do think that is for many people what happened, that that has been a positive.

That a lot me included, like kind of got clear on what's important here. And, and being able to, to shut everything down was kind of nice in some ways. And I think it'll be interesting to see hopefully if by the end of this year, as we, as we opened back up, where do we go? You know, how, how much of this do we retain and how much do we not, which I think is, is fits with the idea of new year's resolutions.

In the sense of a lot of times, we, we want to make these changes. But we don't recognize how hard they are to make and how hard they are to, to keep. And, and we kind of lose the focus to the external world. It'll be interesting to see at the end of this year, since you have it more laid out. Because I'm excited about that, that you have more accountability, more plans, and then that mixed with holding it loosely.

It'll be interesting to see the difference between this year and last year. And I think there was some power in last year. Holding it as loosely as you did, and kind of last year was kind of the chance to try on Sean is an artist. Sean is someone who takes himself seriously. Sean thinks bigger. And just having that noodle around in your head for a year got you to this year to be able to make it more concrete.

Sean: Yeah. Oh, I, I do. I do. I am a, what do they call that? I'm a. I'm a slow boil. They call that. And I think we all are.

Nancy: Yeah. That's I mean, all change is incremental. I think we forget that it's that, you know, like I, what was, what's his name? Anthony Hopkins. The actor. Yeah. Um, right between Christmas and new year's.

He was on Twitter. He celebrated his 30th year of being sober or something. It was some sober. Thing. And, and I remember it struck me because it was before new year's, you know, like a lot of people have that aha of like, Ooh, overdid on new year's even though it's what do they say? Amateur night? His was between Christmas and new year's, whatever, like the 27th.

And he said, you know, and it was some powerful message. And he said, be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid, which is the, is a quote from Goethe. Is that how you say his name?

Gerta

G O E T H E.

Sean: I think it's like, Gerta

Nancy: huh. Anyway, I don't know, but I have it sitting on people to mighty forces will come to your aid to remind myself to be bold.

I want that to be like, poof, I'm bold. Now I have the quote, I'm holding that as my theme, but it is a period of adjustment. Of what does bold mean? What does it mean to be bold? How does that show up? How do I do that? How do I deal with the ramifications of that? What if mighty forces don't come to my aid?

And so that's what I feel like you did last year. So I think when there's an identity shift, we, we forget about the identity shift. I remember when I stopped drinking, it was the identity of here's someone who's the life of the party who loves to drink, who challenges other people to drink tequila shots.

Like that was me. And then to go suddenly from Nope, I'm not that person is, is an identity shift that we don't a lot for. Someone who works out all the time to someone who's a gym rat. We don't a lot for that change. And I think that's a big part of this is recognizing who we are as a who we are and how we see ourselves that needs to shift too.

Sean: Yeah. You know, I celebrated three years, uh, December 13th, so it's interesting. It's um, I did go to AA for a couple for about the first year and it's not my thing. Like I never really. Needed. I mean, it played a role and I'm not dissing it. It is just not something I needed for my entire life. But with this identity change thing, it was funny.

They're like everyone walks their own walk but I met people who years and years and years of sobriety, and they still seemed like drinkers, like they still behave like it. So much of their identity self seems so wrapped up in the lifestyle and like, you'd go to the AA club and it felt like going to a bar like it was laid out like a bar, there was a physical bar, it smelled like a bar.

And, you know, I get the role that, that plays. But, it was not allowing me to make movement forward in my identity change that I was going to continue to hold on to. Well, then I think back of like, there are a lot of things that identities that don't allow me to make that have not allowed me to make change personally.

And, you know, not necessarily just about drinking, but like. You know, being a young, radical Sean, that's an entirely long story for itself, but that. To embracing that I've, that I'm growing. And there will be times when I look back and I'm like, Whoa, why am I still holding onto that story? That was like 30 years ago.

That's not benefiting me anymore. And, and it's not who I am anymore either. It's just, I'm still holding onto that perception of myself. Sean doesn't do this because Sean is this person well, Maybe Sean isn't that person anymore. And Sean does do that, right?

Nancy: Yeah.

Sean: And to your point of incremental change and identifying, like, what does bold mean and allowing yourself time to identify what that is, and kind of like ease into and learn, define your terms in a way, but also acknowledge that we, our identity can change.

Nancy: [yes, and I think that's the powerful, that's the powerful piece. We just got to allow it. Yeah, you allow to see something different. And I think that's what that's, what's hard is the grooves are well worn of who we are. I am going to jump a groove and go over here and, and see it differently and get a different perception.

It can be scary.

Sean: Yeah. I did want to share a story around this thing of change. So, my stepfather, he is 70-something early seventies known him for a long time. He's been in my life for a long time. He's one of those guys who, who talks about the old dogs can't learn new tricks stuff, which I'm not a fan of that statement.

I think that it's bull puckey, but I tell you what. So this year on my birthday, he called me on my birthday. I've known the man for. 35 years and he called me for the first time ever. Wow. My birthday, just to say, happy birthday and talk to me. Wow. Now this is the same guy who says old dogs can learn new tricks.

I'm like baloney. Okay. So it was interesting though, that watching that change in him, felt really good. I mean, it was necessary. I mean, he still has his things

Nancy: Do you think that was intentional. I mean like, or just like a spontaneous, let me call Sean. Or do you think it was a, I went to be building a better relationship with Sean.

Sean: So I think it was, I want to be building to move better. Really. I think it was conscious on his part. I think that when this like a deep rut, when we're in ruts and change is hard. Yes. Acknowledge all those things, but there are the stories. Right down to I'm too old to make those changes. I'm too set in my ways to make those changes.

That is a narrative you're telling yourself it is not true. You can change up to the day you die.

Nancy: I would say that's. That idea. It's both and it's recognizing this is hard and I'm going to make the change anyway. And I think we tend to be like, Ooh, old dogs, you know, can't learn new things, whatever the phrase dogs can't learn.New tricks. Yeah. There you go. That is, you know, like that's either, that's a story. That's our story. Or the story is, Oh, every new year is I get a chance to do it all again, and I can change things. And that's another story. Yeah. And so being able to recognize, I'm telling myself a story and it's not working here how, and be kind and, and be like, Ooh, that's really kept me safe and secure.

And I'm going to challenge myself to do it differently. And so often I see people picking one or the other, I'm going to stick with the story and I'm never going to change, or I'm not going to honor the fact that, that, that that's a story. I'm not going to honor the fact that I have that as a belief, and that makes this extra hard for me.

I'm just going to keep plowing ahead. And I think that idea back to self loyalty is we need to be loyal to the fact that we have stories. And that they have played a role in our life, but we don't need to be loyal to the story.

Sean: That's really interesting. Yeah. That was another thing that I've been thinking about lately is, you know, thinking about the stories, thinking about, you know, things that I did when I was a teenager or in my twenties or something, and that, that person, like, I, I still contain these, those memories, but I'm not that person anymore that person's long gone

So after all of this, or one of the things that I did want to ask you. We've talked about what my plans are for the new year. What are your plans for the new year? Do one, have you made resolutions? Are you going to make resolutions? What are those resolutions? If not, why not?

And are you going to pursue this idea of themes and what's that theme? That's my question.

Nancy: Wow. Okay. I have not made any resolutions up to this point. I've been holding loosely. Some ideas. What has been happening for me is last week was really crazy with the start of the new year. And then this week has been a little easier as far as work is concerned.

And so I was like, Oh, I'm going to take some time and do some planning. Okay. So this is Wednesday and I haven't done. Any of that, I've sat down a number of times to do it and it just hasn't happened. And so, so that kind of just recognizing that that's been happening for me and I have a big fear around, I think that's why I jumped on your idea of, Oh, last year it kind of was helping you change the identity.

And then this year you're implementing the changed identity that, um, I went through. Part of my resolutions is to do some identity shifting and to see myself in a different way. I have really seen myself as therapist and coach and someone who that's my role. And even I have written. A few books and write regularly on my blog.

I don't see myself as a creative person. I see myself as coach, a therapist who does these other things to support being a coach and therapist. And so I would like to be kind of letting go, not letting go of the coach and therapist identity, not letting go of coaching and therapy, but letting go of that, being my only identity and seeing what it would be like to.

To embrace more of the creativity to embrace more writing and art in some form and, and doing things on, in my business, in my life on a deeper level that isn't, so this is what you should do because you're at this age or you've accomplished this, or you've done this, or this is the next thing on the list, but what do I want to do here?

What is this look like for me? And so that's what I'm experimenting with. I don't quite know what that's gonna look like, but how I've been explaining that I went to school, I was a therapist, you know, I became a therapist and that was kind of like, now I'm a therapist, that's my identity. And what if I had become a journalist or what if I had gone into creative writing?

Or what if I had, you know, I think I would have ended up in this same place. Of psychology being a prominent feature. And, but I would be coming at it from a really different standpoint. And so what if I came at my job from a different standpoint, from a different lens, from a different way of putting it out into the world.

So it's very loose. And so I feel very vulnerable and sharing this. I will be honest because it is so loose, but that that's kind of what I'm experimenting. That's kind of what I want the new year to bring is a more grounded, intentional. Creative side. Did I answer the question or did I dance around it?

Sean: it danced around a little bit, but I'm okay with that

Nancy: because I was trying to answer it. I mean, I was not trying to dance around it.

Sean: No, no, I appreciate that. But I wanted to say that's one of the things that are holding things loosely and acknowledging your humanity is you don't always have to have the answer. Sometimes the, yeah. I'm am I'm work in progress is the right answer.

Nancy: Well, it's just something that is fascinating to me is, is that idea of identity.

A lot of people would be like, why see, who is a writer? I already see you as being creative. I already see you as doing this, but I don't see myself as that. And so that's what I want to work on is me seeing themself as these things. And I think so much of what I do is just because I should be doing it as opposed to.

It's what I want to be doing, even if it's the same end result.

Sean: I'm wondering what you think about this. I see some real potential for sort of a reevaluation of what identity is here and that you are a thing. And you're not another thing. I love the idea. And you've heard me talk, I've talked about this so far in this conversation is the whole idea of the multipotentialite and that.

We are multifaceted and there are ways to embrace multiple interests and make our identity multiple identities. Not really, but you know, make it a little bit more multifaceted instead of I am a thing. And that's what I do. Um, I was thinking about Stacey Abrams, um, the woman Georgia, I learned recently because she enough herself running, doing politics.

She's. Her identity, we hold her as this thing. And she's, bad-ass at what she does. I learned recently that she's also a romance novelist. Yeah. And so she has this additional identity is that she's a creative writer and writes, and I love that, you know, that like that you can be more than one thing and.

That's one of those things I think about approaching the year, kind of broken out. If you sort of lay your year out, it allows for the space or is this like for right now, I'm going to focus on this and I'm going to put this other thing that I want to work on over here. And I know that it's coming and I'm not neglecting it and I don't have to resent what I'm doing now.

Nancy: So yeah,

that's what I love about it. Like, I think it's genius in getting away from the, the idea of, Oh, I need to be doing this, you know, like the jumping from thing to thing. Cause you don't want to forget anything. Yeah, leave anything out. I think this is awesome

Sean: Um, from a very tactical sort of like how you can actually approach this.

It’s been recommended that you have someplace where you can see it all in one place. And I did print out off the Google. I got like their year calendar thing where you see every month and every day, you know, just the spreadsheet so that I can break it out into like I can visually see what months are what, when I'm doing what for the entire year. And of course, like we said, loose is the theme in this conversation.

I'm looking forward to hearing how things go, how this goes for you. Because as you're laying out some plans, I feel like there's some room here to get a little bit more specific and lay things out of when you're going to focus on some of these things.

Nancy: Yeah, I would agree. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, I'm also a nine and on the Enneagram and I tend to, I don't do the seeding ball of resentment, but I do, I call it going unconscious. I do that a lot of, I don't, which sounds weird, but I kind of like sleepwalk. Through my life. And, and that's what I'm referring to.

When I say I want to be intentional. I want to be intentional. Like I keep, that's kind of been the theme. I keep saying over and over in my head, because I tend to just be like, this is the next thing it's March is what we do in March. It's April is what we do in April. And I, or, you know, Tara says she's doing this in, in the forum.

So I'm going to do that, you know, because she's a business mentor that I value and I don't check in with. Is this what I want to be doing right now? Not even in it, is this what I want to be doing, but let's be present the whole time you're doing it and not just go through the motions and much of my life.

I go through the motions and, um, and I'm tired of that and it scares the crap out. That's really why. Cause then I'm responsible for maybe that's why maybe I am a seething ball of resentment because then I can blame other people. I'm responsible for where I am in my career. I'm responsible for what's happening in my life.

I'm, I'm, there's more gravitas to it. There's more, it's not just I'll get to that someday. I'll do that at some point. It's more like this is it, girl, you're going to be 48 in a month. Let's do this.

Sean: I can really relate to that fear. And cause I would say that one of the reasons that I've chosen to choose expansiveness and thinking big, et cetera, as a theme is because of what you just said, because I too am, you know, I'm like here I am 44.

It's like, and you know, now what? And I'm here because of my actions. I'm here because of me.

Nancy: So, and just yesterday I was 40. Like, that's what it feels like, like, like it, it, the time just, it goes, uh, it feels like just yesterday it was March.

Sean: [Mine's 30. I feel like just yesterday I was 30. That fear sounds like, Oh yeah, that's a big one, but manageable.

Says the person without high functioning anxiety,

Nancy: but I think it is, it is. That's where I feel like I need to be with your idea, you know, because before talking with you, I was like, resolutions, suck 2021 is going to suck. Like here we go. We're just repeat more of the same.

Like I can get that curmudgeonly. What's the point? Aspect of, and then I can be the super ideal of, Oh no change is possible. And we're going to draw this amazing stuff. And I, again, like kind of like the monger and the BFF, I just kind of jump between those two. Thought processes in. And I think what you in this conversation have pointed out to me is this middle ground, which is not that that's going to be easy for me holding this middle ground, but the middle ground of let's be intentional.

Let's do a plan. Let's hold it loosely. Let's see what emerges, but let's keep coming back to this plan, to this idea, to, you know, be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid. Let's explore what that means and how I can hold that loosely and hold my feet to the fire. How I can have self loyalty around that concept and, and, and give some concrete themes.

Sean: that sounds great. You know, it immediately, like the last thing I wanted to say about that with this having concrete plans and thinking about things loosely every single day, we are presented with new variables, new information, and it would even whether or not you're running your business or you're running your life or walking down the streets to having, having made a plan and then not being able to adjust that plan no matter what happens.

That's not good. Right. Right. And so. But if, but in a way it's also exciting. I think that there's, I, I'm excited to see what happens for both of us just coming here, because this is, we will be checking in on this and seeing how this plays out.

Nancy: Yeah, totally. I agree. Totally. Yeah.

Sean: Well, Nancy, do you have anything else you want to talk about

Nancy: Oh, dude, I feel like we've got a counseling session in here which has been great.

Sean: I mean, that's, that's what we do.

Nancy: I wanted to give people a window into our conversations and that's totally what we did here. So thank you, Sean, for showing up and being so vulnerable and honest.

Sean: Oh my, my pleasure, Nancy, anytime.

Nancy: Again, I want to give a big thank you to Sean for coming on and sharing about his 2021 plans. It takes a lot of vulnerability to show up here, and I really appreciate him showing up with such authenticity. Okay. There are some big changes coming to the Happier Approach Podcast for a couple of years now, I've been wanting to change the format of this podcast into more of a narrative style NPRs podcast.

This means moving to a seasoned model and exploring one topic deeply throughout that season. So the Happier Approach Podcast is going on a brief two month hiatus. I'll be back in April with the new season, what we'll be exploring the topic of high functioning, anxiety, and self loyalty on a much deeper level.

I'm nervous and kind of excited about this new direction. And I hope you will tune in. But in the meantime, if you want to stay in touch, visit my website live-happier.com and sign up for my weekly Sunday newsletter.

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Episode 164: Practicing Self-Loyalty in the New Year - Part 1

In this episode, I’m chatting with my producer, Sean McMullin about change, resolutions, and plans for the new year.

For years, the month of December was my month of debauchery. My BFF (the voice of false self-compassion) ran the show. After months of being told what I “should” do by my Monger in December, I could throw all the rules out the window. 

December was the one month out of the year that I gave myself permission to not listen to the shaming voice of the Monger: I gave myself the free pass of December because I knew come January, my Monger would drop the hammer and criticize me into submission.

I believed, on January 1st (well, 2nd really because on the 1st, I was still recovering from all the December merriment), I would magically become a new person. Someone who loved vegetables and hated sugar, desired to work out every day, easily abstained from drinking, and uber-productive.

I am sure you could guess how that went. Long story short, come mid-January, my Monger had a field day with all the ways I was failing. This all-or-nothing thinking ran my life for years---decades really.

But something changed, thanks to the practice of self-loyalty. 

December isn’t a magical month of no consequences anymore. Instead, I have days where I overeat sugar and drink too much caffeine and days where I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables. And my worthiness isn’t linked to any of it. Whether I eat five sugar cookies or five carrots, I am still me: broken, imperfect, smart, funny, overly-sensitive, loyal Nancy Jane Smith. 

But the idea of change and resolutions still intrigues me. So on this episode, I am bringing back my podcast producer Sean McMullin. You might remember him from episode 155 and episode 161 where we discussed meditation and mindfulness.

This is part one of this conversation and I’m so excited for you to hear it. Here is part two!

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• The definition of Self-Loyalty

• How self-loyalty works with the idea of change and resolutions

• Sean’s plans for the new year--combining a word of the year with quarterly themes

• How to hold your resolutions loosely AND actually make change

Resources mentioned:

• Headspace Meditation App

• This Naked Mind by Annie Grace

• The Real Point of Meditating by Mike Sturm on Medium

• The Science of Mindfulness | Dr. Ron Siegel | Talks at Google

• The Art of Noticing by Rob Walker

• Coach in Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy: And self loyalty was oh, I can be this person that procrastinates, I can be the person that has anxiety and I could still be okay with myself. I can still be like, oh, here we go. This is a hard time. And when I can say, how can I have my own back in this situation? It's a reminder of, oh, how do I show up for myself four years?

The month of December was my month at . The voice of false self-compassion ran the show after months of being told what I should do by my monger in December, I could throw all the rules out the window. December was the worst one month out of the year that I gave myself permission to not listen to the shaming voice of the monger.

I gave myself the free pass of December because I knew come January. My monger would drop the hammer and criticize me into something. I believed on January 1st. January 2nd, really? Because the first I was still recovering from all the December Marymount, I would magically become a new person.

Someone who loved vegetables, hated sugar, had the desire to work out every day and could abstained from drinking and be Uber productive. I'm sure you could guess how that went. Long story short come mid January. My monger had a field day with all the ways I was. This all or nothing thinking ran my life for years, decades.

Really. You're listening to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the new to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane. Today, I would say thanks to the practice of self loyalty December. Isn't a magical month of no consequences anymore.

Instead I have days where I overeat sugar and drink too much caffeine and days where I eat lots of fruits and vegetable. And my worthiness isn't linked to any of it. Whether I eat five sugar cookies or five carrots, I'm still my broken, imperfect, smart, funny, overly sensitive, loyal Nancy, but the idea of change and resolutions still intriguing.

So on today's podcast, I'm bringing back my podcast, producer, Sean McMullin. You might remember him from when he was on the show, talking me through my meditation experiment this past fall, right after the first of the year, Sean and I met to talk about the show and through our conversation, we started talking about change resolutions and plans for the new year.

It was such a great conversation. And one, I think you will get a lot out of, so we decided to record it so you could listen to it. I'm excited for you to hear this conversation. It was so good. We broke it up into two parts. This episode is part one, and part two will be released next year. Keep listening to hear the definition of self loyalty, how subtlety works with the idea of change and resolutions Sean's plans for the new year, combining a word of the year with quarterly themes and how to hold your resolutions loosely and actually make change.

Hi, everyone. I'm excited today because I have brought back Sean, the producer of the happier approach here to talk with me. I'm going to have a fun conversation about self loyalty and resolutions. We have hit the new year where somebody. Everything was going to be magically different in 2021. I saw a Twitter thing that said I'm ready to turn in my seven day preview of 2021.

That just made me laugh. So welcome, Sean. How's it going? Great. I'm glad you're here. Yeah. Okay. So self loyalty and resolutions. I have a number of questions, but is there anything you want to ask? Yeah,

Sean: I wanted to lead offer. I think it's interesting when we encounter terms that we use. That we assume everyone is on the same page about, and everyone has the same understanding of what those terms mean.

And I'm a big fan of pausing and defining terms. So Nancy self loyalty. I think I understand what you mean when you say self loyalty. What do you mean when you say self loyalty so that I understand what you, what we're talking about specifically?

Nancy: The reason I love the term self loyalty is because I have a vis a visceral negative response to the terms self-compassion self-love self-acceptance and those terms, I think of.

Even self-trust I think they have been way over done. They have lost all meaning for me, like I just couldn't find any, ah, yeah, that's what I need to do in any of those terms. And then I started paying attention to a lot of my clients have loyalty is one of their values and they really know what loyalty is.

And to me, loyalty is no matter what. I'm going to have your back, no matter what happens, I will be here. I think Bernie brown talks about the Berry, the body friends. That's what I'm talking about with loyalty, my best friend, no matter what happens, I'm going to be there for her. And something terrible happened.

You would have to hold me back from. From driving to Kentucky and having her back

Sean: that it's at Dixie chicks song. It's the Earl's got to die.

Nancy: Yeah. That to me, yes. I love that song. That is the ultimate self loyalty song for me. It was recognizing I don't have that for myself. I don't have that. No matter what happens, I have your back.

It's going to be okay. Because my natural bent is to improve. Get better. Deny it or fix it. Those are the two kind of modes. So I run in and self loyalty was oh, I can be this person that procrastinates, I can be the person that has anxiety and I could still be okay with myself. I can still be like, oh, here we go.

This is a hard time. And so being able to switch. Idea another, I would say self loyalty and I say, have your own back. Those go to me simultaneously. And when I can say, how can I have my own back in this situation? It's a reminder of, oh, how do I show up for myself in a kind way?

Sean: Yeah.

Immediately makes me think. Additionally, about when you have people who have your back, the certain degree of. You can calm down a little bit. You can trust, you can relax a little bit. And it's one thing to have your attendance did on the flip of that of note having your own back. Yeah, I like that a lot.

Nancy: Yeah. For me, that was a, more of a game changer than self-compassion and then all those words, like I said, it was that idea of having that, that I can be my own soft place. That at the end of the day, I am not something that is broken or in need of repair or incomplete. I am me and I can still grow and change and quote, unquote improve.

But that doesn't mean who I am is bad.

Sean: And I think also allows for the room for when you do make mistakes. I remember I worked used to work on this construction crew and loyalty amongst them. They made, they were friends from their biker friends from way back when their kids and loyalty was everything for them.

And it was obnoxious actually, but they had this whole thing of look, you get into a fight or something and I'll have your back. You might be in the wrong. You might've made a mistake. We'll talk about that later. Yeah. But until that point, I'm there for you and that I'll be there for you because they took it into a kind of a interesting and not entirely healthy way.

But I like this idea that I think that there's also the space for acknowledging the error and the mistake and the imperfection and saying, yeah, that's there we'll address that when we'll deal with it. But first and foremost, You, I have your back self.

Nancy: Thank you for telling that story. Because if my friend murdered someone, I still would be questioning what's going on here and where are you in?

How can I help you face this? Not let me condemn you and not be there for you. Yeah.

Sean: For you. What you wanted to talk about was this connection between this concept of loyalty for the self, which I'm totally digging and how that plays out in resolutions. And specifically right now, new year's resolutions.

Tell me what you're thinking along around that.

Nancy: By the time this podcast comes out, it'll be mid January. And so not that the shine of the new year didn't get taken off pretty quickly this year, but the shine of the new year will definitely be gone by the time this podcast comes out. And I think that even though we know that the new year isn't a magical time, we still want it to be a magical time.

I still want the turn of the year to be like, ah, now I'm finally going to get my stuff together and I'm going to be Organized and have my goals and know my followup stuff and be able to stop eating sugar and all those things. And so that idea of looking at how can I have my own back and be wanting to change and grow and at the same time, practicing this idea of self loyalty.

Yeah. And I think that's that's a change because resolutions in the way they have been traditionally. Talked about is in the belief that I'm broken and that I will get better once I hit these resolutions. And I think that's why they inherently fail.

Sean: The it's the making the resolutions. That is the problem.

Or is it that our approach to the resolutions? That is the problem. Do we need to scrap news resolutions or do we just need to hold them a little looser and allow for. The mistakes and the, when we drop them and how to, what we do when we drop them into. Oh, is there anything to salvage from them?

Nancy: A client who said to me recently, I just like getting a reset and I get that you're coming out of the holidays.

2020 was hard. Let's just reset and see what can happen. So I think in that sense, having that idea of this is a new time. It was for some of us like September going back to school, it gives us that, Ooh, there's a refresh. And then I think that's awesome. But I think recognizing also ha. I think one of the bigger issues is we don't recognize how hard change is making changes is freaking hard.

When I often tell the story, I had this mentor who would scream at the top of his lungs, all change is incremental. All change is incremental. All change is incremental. And I remember being so like, we'd laugh when he would do it. It's true. Like all change is so it's so small. So the idea that I'm going to do a dry January and I'm going to stop drinking in January, but there's no self-reflection on.

How hard it is to stop drinking what I miss about drinking. What's not there anymore. You know what the drinking gave me like all of that stuff. And so we white knuckle our way through January, and then it's whoa, I did dry January. Now, February 1st, here we go. And we're back at it. And, or we'll try to be like, oh, let's do a couple of drinks or we'll set new rules, but we haven't had our own back in recognizing wow, dry January is easy or dry.

January is hard and that's just. One example. I've seen people on Twitter saying that after what happened last week at the Capitol, they've given up their diet, they've given up dry January. Everything went out the window because there was all this stress. And so I'm going to eat and drink to get rid of it.

And I think that. Part of the problem with resolutions is we're not looking at the whole person. And even I know like word of the year is a popular idea. I'm going to have a theme of the year, which I think awesome. Which is my thing I want you to about that because I think that's awesome and that also can get lost pretty easily.

And so it's like, how do we keep bringing back? This theme throughout the year. And that's how incremental change happens

Sean: I was thinking about this thing of one of the things that's particularly with dry January. One of the things that's challenging in my experience is we're doing a thing that we don't actually want it to be.

Yeah. Said, and when you're doing something you're like making yourself do a difficult in a distasteful and yucky thing that you don't want to be doing. And I think the point that's one of those places where I think resolutions starts to fail. Is a hundred percent convinced that we want to be doing these things.

Like when I got Annie Grace's book this naked mind was a huge asset for me and her whole deal. And she was using the work of other people, but she was. Liminal thinking and the idea of you take everything that is confronting that is creating a roadblock for you, barrier for you, some sort of mental position, some sort of way of perceiving something.

And you actually look at it and you say is this true? And like when it's the things, the reasons that you think that you should still, you have this long list and you can apply this to anything, really, any sort of behavior that you'd like to change. And as you're going through this, you can actually start like realizing what is.

I, I don't want to do this anymore. And when you get to that point where the changes, the change you actually want to make, as opposed to that distasteful thing that you're making yourself do, like suddenly I need to go to the gym and exercise, even though I hate exercising,

Nancy: yeah. because it's an external someone somewhere told me to do this.

It's not coming from within. Yeah. I may be someone who wants to be in shape and be able to work out an hour every day. I want that that's an external thing I want, but I don't want to do all the stuff that's required to get there. And I need to be honest about that.

Sean: Yeah. And there's where incremental change comes in is the being honest about that and being realistic about if I want to be that person who exercises every day, that might have to come in stages.

Nancy: Yeah, it reminds me of a client who she's working on. She picked the theme of all or nothing thinking, and that is something that she's working with.

Sean: Like confronting all or nothing.

Nancy: Yeah. Notice and loosen up that idea of there's a right way and a wrong way and all this stuff. And she'll notice every time she does all or nothing thinking, and she'll Vox me.

Here's a litany of all the times. And what's been amazing is oftentimes we want to fix a bunch of stuff. I want to stop my high functioning anxiety, but she just picked one place where that high functioning anxiety shows up and. Is noticing it in tons of ways. It shows up all the time in her life.

And I also hear that from clients who want to stop drinking. And they're like, I think about drinking all the time or just to notice the way it infiltrates your life and just having your back around that. And you just being like, oh, there it is. Again, there it is. Again, there it is again. And I think that's that idea of incremental change, but what has been fascinating to me is that by just seeing how much all or nothing thinking plays out in her life, She's making big changes because that one thing infiltrates a lot of things.

And so often we want to change too many things. We bite off too much of the apple instead of being like, I just want to really get to know the skin of the apple. That's what I really want to get to know and see that. And then I'll try to get all the way to the core.

Sean: Yeah. Back when I used to work at a brewery, I worked at a brewery for a long time.

Collectively we would all take, do dry dry January and. It was always so funny because everyone would show up on the, on January 1st hung over. And then they were starting as they're hung over. And then there was a bunch of us started doing anything where we would start the resolution a few days before the new.

Because per pressure on January 1st to suddenly you're doing this thing, it's so hard to do a thing where you go from never having been on a treadmill to, I'm going to put on five miles today. As of right now, this is who I am. We'd also, we lived on the Pacific coast and so we'd all go. And January 1st, we all go jump in the ocean.

That was a lot of fun. That would be fun. So to this idea, Of the word of the year or the theme of the year, which is the thing that I like to do. I've started, I've been doing that for a few years now, before I talk about that, another thing that occurred to me is another approach that I'm experimenting with this year is I'm breaking the year up into quarters.

I have. Many interests. I am a multifaceted multipotentialite Huddy like individual. I want to acknowledge that when I focus on one thing for too long, I start becoming resentful of that thing. And so this year I'm experimenting with. Laying out the year in three month increments where I stick to a specific thing for a period of.

Okay. And I've actually laid out most of the year of what reading material I intend on doing for the entire year. That's like the magically connected. So like some nonfiction that I'll be reading while I'm doing that. That's the magically connected to what I'm doing. And what I'm intentionally doing is I'm also making the themes abstract enough.

To have a little bit of wiggle room.

Nancy: So can you give like a, an example of a theme?

Sean: Movements is a theme. Place is a theme surface, and so I'm an artist. And so a lot of this has to do with my art and exploring my artistic side, my creativity. And so the abstract, I thrive in oblique connections and.

Loose definitions of where it's supposed to go, because it allows for improvisation and creativity. That's my shtick, and I get why some people would like something a little bit more solid, but that's my, and also so in a lot of ways I'm treating the next year is like a year of study of myself and my creativity.

So like at the end of every quarter, there's actually, I intended. A project, like there is a culmination of the work actually be like solidified. So there'll be a thing that like actually acknowledges the work. And I think that's something that would, I think that when you set goals to be like, okay, this is the thing that I want to obtain in this stretch of time.

And it's actually, because it's not, I'm going to do this for the next year. It's no, I'm going to do this for the next month. And at the end of this month, I'm going to have this goal. It becomes way more manageable. I'm going to walk around the block every day for the rest of the month.

Is way more yeah, I could do that.

Nancy: Yeah. I love that. You're not going to get bored. It changes it up. There's a focus in each time. It's like the client with the all or nothing. Thinking like you are focusing in on one thing and then holding your feet to the fire by the culminate.

Project, but I think in the spirit of all changes incremental. If the end of the year, you will have done all this different stuff. It may not change you, but you've experienced a variety of things and you've committed to it. And I think that's where a lot of people I know I get super bummed come March.

Oh, all these things I committed to, they're gone. I don't have them anymore. And that idea of shiny object syndrome and fear of missing out and, oh, I should be doing something else. The idea of having the self loyalty enough to be like, no, this is what I committed to. It's just for three months

Sean: And in theory this is something you want to do right?,

Nancy: so for me, that the patience and the drilling down, like I'll say to myself, oh, I really want to drill down. And really dive deeply into something. And I just was journaling about this the other day, but my emo, what I do on a daily basis is pop myself out of it all the time.

Yeah. I don't commit, I don't commit. And I think that's what I love about what you're doing. And then it's inspiring me.

Sean: Yeah. I hear some Monger talk going on too.

Nancy: There's some talk happening there and there is some truth. Totally, I think both are happening and it's

Sean: The Monger is not always a liar.

I don't Monger is always, most of the time there's a lot of lying going on.

Nancy: But that's where the biggest fan is going to be like, yeah, we don't like to commit, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It just means I got. Really put some parameters in place to keep bringing myself back. I think that's the idea of self loyalty is recognizing get commitments hard.

We don't need to beat ourselves up for that, but we really gotta be aware. The commitment's hard and FOMO is real. And how do I keep bringing myself back?

Sean: Yeah. A thought just occurs to me in a question for you. So do you think in some ways, this self loyalty that the. The biggest fan is a metaphor of the embodiment of that self loyalty.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah,

because for me, figuring out the biggest fan was so powerful because it was like before the biggest fan and that idea of self loyalty came to me, it was either like I'm either beating myself up or I. Giving myself an out, those were the two modes I was operating in all the time. I'm beating myself up in the beating myself up was I thought was moving me forward.

And so then to recognize, oh, I could have this biggest fan who can move me forward, hold my feet to the fire. She's she can be pushing me, but she's kind about it. She wants what's best for me. She's not just blindly. Pushing me. She's this is what we want. This is going to be good. This is hard.

Here we go. Let's do this. You don't want to get up early. You don't want to go walk. The dog you'll feel better when you do one of my things as I've been trying to do the morning pages from the artist's way. So I'd been trying to do morning pages, and then I don't want to do them morning pages, or you just sit and write three pages.

Dump your brain. And it's like the meditation thing. They don't want to do it, but then it makes me feel so much better. It's a connection to myself that it's, that, that is a theme that I want this year for me. I haven't mapped it out the way you have with yours, which is why that's inspiring to me, but to figure out how can I keep building that connection with myself?

Because my tendency is to always go outside and morning pages is helping me do that, but it's something that I fight almost every day. And that's where the biggest fan comes in to be like, sit down button, see, do this. You'll feel better, go not your big fat loser. You promised yourself you do this. Why can't you do it?

But just let's go, let's do this. We'll feel better. Come : on.

Sean: Another question for you about this too, as one of the things that I hear you, as you're talking about this. And I had said this earlier, that as I was setting out, as I was laying out my intended plan for this year, I'm fortunate that I don't deal with.

High functioning anxiety. I have anxiety. I'm not a perfectionist. Sometimes to a flaw, I could be a little bit harder on myself. I could use a little bit more of the biggest fan saying, Hey, yo, you should do something because most of the time I'm pretty consensus content. Just sit on the couch and knit and.

I'm very prone to if come middle of the year, I don't want to do it anymore. I was like, that was fun. And I move on. I don't beat myself up over it. And what I hear and I've observed in with people who do, who are high functioning with their anxiety, is that the failure really gets to them. The performance anxiety for themselves.

And that one thing that. The idea of setting out a plan for what you're going to do, and then have someone tell you and then hold it loosely as it's like, what the blankety blank do you mean by holding it loose? What are you talking about? You're not going to get anything done, right? Am I

Nancy: said that earlier on, you were like, and then you just hold it loosely.

I was like what the blippity blip is holding it loosely?. I was like, okay, hold it loosely. Like I have no clue what that means. (Laughter)

Sean: even, I heard myself saying, I was just like, I'm going to pause here and come back to this because, cause I know that my wife, whenever I say, hold something loosely, thinks LOSERS hold things loosely

Nancy: (Laughter)

They're there in lies. A big challenge though, right? Because when we're talking herself being self loyal, surely there has to be somewhere in there. There is that balance as a compromise, there is that position and posture that allows for you to push yourself towards change. But also to not totally beat yourself down when your human frailty kicks in, do you have anything to say to that?

Nancy: That idea of human frailty is what makes my skin crawl more so used to then does now soldier on, suck it up. I can do anything. Just give me the right map and the fact that there is human frailty. Is really annoying to me is one thing. But whereas you were talking about that idea of failure. I was thinking about, so last Christmas I was going to get into bread, making pre COVID.

I was going to get into bread making and I got this book and all the that go with bread making. And my first couple loaves, they tasted. Okay. But they weren't great. And it drove me crazy because there was no here's how you bake bread. There was you feel it and it feels marshmallowy. And it's super talk about holding it loosely.

Like the people that teach about how to teach bread, it's loose. It's very loose. And so I gave it up because how can I win? How do I win? I just want to know how to win. That's always my Mo how do I do this? And I decided let's just make bread for the enjoyment of making bread. Let's not make bread for the sake of.

Click this off the list. I'm a bread maker, but that there's going to be winning and losing all the way around. Let's hold this process loosely. And the more I baked bread of what marshmallow we felt like and what it smelled like when I had over proofed it and that sort of thing, it became more apparent to me.

And so like last night I made bread and it was the best. It was awesome. It was beautiful. It tasted really good. And in a part of me was like, oh I've figured this out. This is over, like I've done this. And then another part of me was like, dude, you made one good luck. But, we're still holding this process loosely.

There's more to learn. There's more to do. There's another loaf of doing the same thing. And so my challenge when I was this past year, when I was making the bread was I made the same bread over and over and over and over again, I didn't up my game. I did try a new kind. I just kept making the same loaf.

And then I figured that out, like I figured out all the techniques and now I can go do something else. And I think to me that. Big aha of recognizing this isn't linear. There's a lot to this. There's a lot to temperature and ingredients and there's all these unknowns. And so bread making has become a metaphor for me on how to do life in a bigger way, because it's, you gotta hold it.

Sean: I love that metaphor because it's a very simple set of variables, right? Yes. Water, flour, yeast, and hopefully salt. Yeah. And from there, the variables and fire and the complexity and nuance within a small set of variables. Yeah, that's great. I love that metaphor.

Nancy: That's one reason I've always strayed from art is how do you know.

Yeah. And it's interesting. So I think it is hard. That's why resolutions, the way you're talking about resolutions is the loose idea. Notice all your examples of resolutions were very loose. My resolutions were stopping, drinking, stopping, eating, stopping, they're more winning and losing their all or nothing.

Yeah. Either did this or I didn't. A huge thank you to Sean, because it takes so much courage to be willing to show up here and be so vulnerable. We'll be back next week with part two, where you will hear about my plans for 2021, along with how I plan to challenge myself this year.

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Episode 163: Lou Blaser and the Performative Nature of High Functioning Anxiety - Part 2

In this episode, I continue my conversation with Lou Blaser from the Second Breaks Podcast about the performative nature of high functioning anxiety.

Anyone with High Functioning Anxiety knows what I mean when I talk about the Swan Effect.

It basically boils down to the feeling of being so on top of it and accomplishing everything we set our sights on… compared to the overwhelm and exhaustion that we feel under the surface that no one can see. 

My guest on this series about the performative nature of high functioning anxiety is no stranger to the Swan Effect. 

In part one of this podcast, Lou Blaser from the Second Breaks Podcast and I talked about the Swan Effect and what it feels like to be calm on top and yet paddling like mad, metaphorically, underneath. We also discussed when Lou realized she needed help and what therapy taught her about anxiety and depression. 

On today’s episode, Lou and I continue the conversation around the performative nature of high functioning anxiety with Lou. For her, learning to recognize that tendency is a sign that her depression and anxiety have spiked and that she needs to step up her self-care.

If you feel like no matter how anxious you are that you need to appear on top of it, this episode is for you. And don’t miss part one, which you can listen to here.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• Why sharing your anxiety is so hard and finding the right pair of ears is essential

• The sneaky ways we sabotage ourselves

• Why therapy isn’t a fix-all and the disappointment in realizing Lou won’t be magically fixed

• The power of self-loyalty and changing how Lou had her own back was so important

Resources mentioned:

• secondbreaks.com

• Coach In Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book
  

+ Read the Transcript

Lou: One of the things that I know I had to do was I had to find people who are safe pairs of ears that I can talk to or not to be having long drawn conversations about the anxiety that you're feeling. It's just like today, Nancy, I just feel often it is just being able to say that. So I had to find those people because I didn't have them, or I didn't know that.

Because I was hiding and I wasn't talking about anything. So for me, that was one of the first things I had to do

Nancy: Today, I'm continuing my interview with Lou blazer, talking about the performative nature of high functioning anxiety. If you missed part one, I encourage you to listen to episode 1 61. First in part one, Lou shared her quest to be Swan, like calm on top and paddling, like mad underneath.

That is so common for those of us with high functioning anxiety, to feel like no matter how anxious we are, we need to appear on top of it for Lou learning to recognize that tendency is assigned for her, that her depression and anxiety have spiked and she needs to step up herself care. You're listening to the happier approach.

The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith. Keep listening to hear why sharing your anxiety is so hard and finding the right pair of ears is so important. How therapy is in a fixed hall and the disappointment Lou had in realizing she wouldn't be magically fixed the sneaky ways we sabotage ourselves and the power of self loyalty and how for Lou changing the fact that she now had her own back was so important.

Again, I want to give a big thank you to Lou. It takes so much courage to be willing, to be so vulnerable, to learn more about Lou and to listen to her podcast, visit her at secondbreaks.com.

Lou: It's funny. Sometimes I can almost tell when I'm talking to someone, if the person I'm talking to experiences, anxiety or depression.

So for example, when, if I say to someone I'm feeling funky today, or I'm sober off when someone's is why, what happened. To move that tells me this, where, as, for example, when I talked to our common friend, Sean, he never asked what happened. He just understands. Sometimes it's not what happened.

Sometimes it just is.

Nancy: Yes

Lou: A It has nothing to do with what happened.

nd there's relief in that. And then talking with someone and not having to explain because a happened because B happened today. No it is just today.

Nancy: if you can't say. Oh this happened. If you just say, I just is, and there's someone who is in that, you have to look like a Swan mentality, then they can't give you empathy.

So then you have to come up with the justification for why you feel the way and it just keeps it going yeah. I'm so glad you said that

Lou: I have to feel better. So I have to come up with the story so you can understand me.

Nancy: Yes. And coming up with that story. Lanes to be like, oh, my husband and I got into an argument and that's just to make them feel better so that they can come up with a way positive or change the story and be like, ah, it's no big deal or don't worry.

I'm sure your husband will be fine. Or to make you feel better.

It is true. And so I think that's one of the things I talk about a lot is about the idea. I think the key to this stuff is. Is building self loyalty.

Lou: I love that phrase

Nancy: because it's so many people are so loyal to everyone else. We are ends of the earth for them, but aren't loyal to ourselves and being able to discern, ah, here's a safe person that I can talk about my anxiety with versus here as a person that's going to try to fix me.

Yes. From have some form of self-love. Yes. Yes. Yeah. All of that. I think that's powerful. So the whole point of this podcast was to talk about the performative nature of high-functioning anxiety, which we have totally gotten that, which with the Swan analogy, which I never even thought of. I've thought of that analogy before, but I didn't see the link between them and recognizing that.

In the perpetuating of, I have to be a certain way. I have to look like a Swan. It is causing this even more to be perpetuated. We like swans. Yes, absolutely. And it's also something that happens. I think there's a flip that I know this when I'm working with clients and I'm curious if you experienced this with your therapist, the idea of I'm going to do this work and I'm going to fix this.

And then I can go back to being a Swan, but I'll be able to do it without all this anxiety

Lou: I love Brené Brown, there is this thing that she tells when she first spoke with our therapist. First time I heard it, I laughed. So hard because it was very close to what I have to be like, give me a checklist of what I must do.

What are the things I must do? What are the habits? What are the things I must do is I could check it off and I could be on my way to progress..

Nancy: Yes

Lou: Therapist was just shaking her head and just a smile to at me

Nancy: because the funny thing is with the Brené Brown, I'm certified in the Daring Way

And so big fan of Brené Brown. So when I first came and got that, I would get all these people, I feel would come to see me because they love Brené Brown and they just wanted to sit in the office and talk about Brené Brown. And share stories about her. No one wanted to do the work that she was teaching to do.

They just wanted to be like, I totally relate to Brené Brown. I totally get her,

but when I would bring it back to. Okay. So now we need to talk about vulnerability and now, oh, Brené tells the story about vulnerability and here it is.

Lou: Yeah.

Nancy: And the funniest part was that it took me a while to recognize that's what we were doing. because I'm like, Ooh, cool let's talk about Brené Brown, but I agree. And so we want that checklist of this is how we do that. This is how I can fix it. And then it gradually, eventually they recognize, ah, crap, this is ongoing.

Yes, this isn't something I can fix and I might need to make life changes because of it. As you did by leaving corporate America, there might be things I have to do to set up my wife so that this isn't a predominant factor.

Lou: Yeah, exactly. So for example, one of the things that I know I had to do was I had to outside of my therapist, find people who are safe pairs of ears that I can talk to, or I can even not to be having long drawn conversations about the anxiety that you're feeling it's just like

Today, Nancy, I just feel off today. It's just being able to say that. So I had to find those people because I didn't have them, or I didn't know them because I was hiding and I wasn't talking about anything. So those for me, that was one of the first things I had to do. Or where are my safe pairs of ears?

Nancy: Yes. Yeah. I think that's, I think that's very powerful to recognize

Lou: also bringing it back to the work of vulnerability that is being vulnerable, because it's you're telling someone you experienced this.

Nancy: And that's very vulnerable. Yeah. The irony of it is we all experience it to some level. To me, the monger voice she just runs my world. Like she's so freaking loud and to recognize everybody has a monger, but she's not as loud

Lou: Nancy, when you first talked to me about that. Or a couple of years ago, I swear to God. I was like, oh my God, these voices have terms and they are roles

Nancy: because the first step is recognizing, oh, that voice that's constantly criticizing me. That's not me. It's an actual. But there are people out there that just have a little, she's just she's there, but she's not screaming at them all day long. She's just kinda there. Yeah. And that was an eye opener to me to be like, oh, there's varying levels of this monger.

I just have a really loud monger. And there are other people that have one, but she's not running the show. She's just giving commentary here and there, back to the pair of ears. We need to find years of people who get how loud she is. And aren't just ah, just ignore it. Yeah, you can't ignore her. Like it's impossible.

I've tried that. That's the pushing it down and soldiering on that. We, that we've tried years ago, I was on your podcast, the second breaks podcast. And we talked about these voices and I remember you being super excited about the difference between. The BFF, which is that voice of false self-compassion that's go ahead, take a break, do whatever.

And the voice of the biggest fan, who she still holds your feet to the fire, but she's kind about it. Yes. Yeah. The monger who is you're such a loser, what are you thinking? And then a BFF forget about it. It's their fault. They're the ones that got us here or take a break in my view is where anxiety comes from because those two voices are fighting back and forth all the time.

And so we need a middle voice. That is the biggest fan saying, okay. Let's really be honest and look at this with some kindness, but I remember you being like, oh, thank God you have the biggest fan because so many people I know, fall victim to the BFF. And it was cool in the moment because I was like, as she gets this, because I fell victim to the BFFs.

Two. So tell me more. Do you remember that, first off?

Lou: Yes So my monger the voice is very loud in my head. If I have a BFF voice in my head, she's very timid and she doesn't speak up, but because the monger is just overpowering all the time. So for example, if I'm. Oh a real friend. And I'm telling her about how I'm feeling though, about myself or my critic.

I'm being very critical. The tendency is to be the BFF.

Nancy: Yes.

Lou: And there's a part of me that rejects it because I'm like it's false. It doesn't ring. True. So when you started talking about it, The biggest fan. I like, yes. Cause I know that voice is in my head, that voice, which is rational kind compassion, but also holds me accountable for the things I said I want to do.

I have that voice. If she just doesn't speak up very often or is always overpowered by the monger. But yeah, I remember that I love, love, love the biggest fan voice. And I said that was the voice I really want to cultivate and encourage in me, but that involves a lot of. Compassion self-compassion, which is something I continuously talk about things that you continuously have to work on for me, that's honest.

And then I began to also hear the BFF voice, not inside my head, but from other people, which is funny that it just doesn't ring true for me. Yeah.

Nancy: I only know what you mean because I, what I love about the biggest fan is, like you said, she's rational. Yeah. Yeah. Honest. I have a presentation later today and I've procrastinated.

And so I'm behind the gun on getting it done. And my biggest fan will say, dude, you messed up there. Yeah. Yeah. Procrastinated this long. She's not beating me up for it. She's not hammering me. She's just this is something we do that is appealing. And find a different way around this and look at that and how we can solve it.

It's not, oh, Nancy, you're such a loser. Here you go again. You're procrastinating or don't worry about it. You're putting a time, which isn't true. You're gonna rock it.

Yeah, I always talk about when I present is I have a very high BS meter. And so when someone says to me, you'll be fine, you're going to rock it. My BS meter goes up no, that's not going to happen. I'm not ready. And so then my mom gets even more fodder. Yeah.

Lou: Yeah. I love that. I remember that.

I love that, but it requires, like you said, Self-compassion oh my goodness. If I could be reborn with more self-compassionate that was the best thing in the world. What happened to me?

Nancy: Absolutely. Yeah. And it's when you start paying attention to the stuff like even last night I made garlic bread and it didn't go well.

And my husband was just problem-solving. He was just like, oh, did you try this? Did you try that? Super kind. And I noticed in myself being like, yeah, I tried that. Yeah. I know what you're saying. And finally, I was like, why am I getting so mad when this nothing, this is so nothing but that is because I had to admit it didn't go well, If it's that insidious with garlic bread, that means nothing.

Imagine when it's something that means something, we get any criticism or anything that comes in, we just cannot be calm.

Lou: No exactly. Because I think that we judge ourselves before other people can judge that goes on in my head. It's I'll judge myself before nine. And so you can judge me.

Nancy: Oh yes.

That's one of my biggest things is I go through everything that someone might criticize me for. I said that it doesn't take me by surprise when they do I saw that I know I'm a loser. You don't need to tell me I'm a loser. I already know it.

Lou: Tell me something though. So it's cause my experience with a BFF, because my personal, you have a voice is very timid.

You're saying that other people's BFF voices are loud. Like they would actually tell themselves, ah, don't worry about it. They're the ones.

Nancy: Ah, yeah, I had the same reaction when I realized that too is recognized. There are, I was noticing people would come into my office and they would have a really loud BFF.

They were like self sabotaging all over the place. They weren't accomplishing things. They weren't getting things done. They were blaming other people. There was a lot of gossiping and drama and true self sabotage of Over-drinking or picking bad relationships. And some of that, I'm not saying all of it, but I realize some of that is wherever there's a BFF.

There's a moment. You can't have one without the other. So it's that they are really aware of that BFF voice. That's telling them to take a break, but they aren't aware that the reason that BFF is telling them to take a break is cause their mongers so loud. I gotcha. Got it. So they don't yeah. Notice that they're being critical of themselves.

So they missed the part where they're being critical of themselves and they just engage in the part where they give themselves all these passes

Lou: and then people like us are all beating ourselves up and not giving ourselves a break.

Nancy: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I can see it in my husband. He has a really loud BFF, so he can spend the day doing nothing and be fine with, it appears that he's fine with.

His Swan is he's super chill, but in reality, he's like hammering himself all day long. And the only way he can tone it down is by doing nothing and engaging in the BFF.

Lou: Oh, okay. I'm going to pick up your book again. I read that a couple of years ago, I'm going to reread it.

Nancy: It's a process it's going very slow, but I'm in the process of writing a new book where I talk more about this BFF character, because I realized now she plays a bigger role than I realize even in the sense of just how you said about when our ears that we go to talk to bring in the BFF that shuts us down.

Yes. They were like I'm not talking to you because you're just going to throw BS at me. And so meanwhile, then our monger just gets louder and louder.

Lou: Yeah. When you use the word sabotage. So for example, let's say I have a project that it's not going well. I would give myself a way out, like I would say, oh I didn't put in my.

A hundred percent effort. So I gave myself a way out, so not to feel so horrible about myself for not achieving what I want. As an example, if the project involved me showing up everyday on Facebook live, then I, maybe I will do that. And then I say, it's because I didn't show up every day. I give myself a way out.

Nancy: Yeah. That's what procrastination. Because the reason I procrastinate is when I get to the deadline, which is one o'clock when I get to the deadline, that's how I know I'm. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And if it's not good, it's because I hit the deadline. I did the best I could. I had the deadline, I had all this time yesterday to work on the presentation, but I was checking this and reading that, and I have plenty of time because it's too uncomfortable for me to be like, this is done.

The only time it can be done because it could always get better. The only time it's done is when I hit. Yes. Yes,

Lou: totally get that.

Nancy: So we unknowingly self-sabotage yes, all the time. And again, it's back to that monger BFF thing,

Lou: and this is what going on in my head. Can you imagine if you devoted all those hours putting together this presentation and it's not good?!?!

Spend an hour---cause I only had an hour.

Nancy: Exactly. Yeah. But the thing I'm trying to reinforce for this particular issue with me is that because I took the time yesterday and what I came up with at the end of yesterday, wasn't good. Just for the record. Like it legitimately, wasn't where I wanted it to go.

And so then last night I had a conversation with my husband and we worked it out. And so then this morning I threw out what I did yesterday and I'm redoing. Trying to point out to myself. Hey, because of what happened yesterday, I came up with a better presentation. Ah yes. And so it doesn't justify the procrastination, but the message I'm trying to tell myself if I allow more time that gives more room for the rough drafts and the doing it wrong.

I'm not always going to be super inspired in the two hours before the presentation.

Lou: what I heard there, which I love is you giving yourself grace. It wasn't giving yourself it wasn't a BFF. It was giving yourself grace. Yeah. I love that one. It wasn't false feeling, making you feel better. It was giving yourself grace. Yeah. I love that.

Nancy: . I definitely feel like she has that idea of grace but for some reason we were not taught that. Yeah. Swim like a Swan and keep going. Yeah, this was fantastic. Thank you so much. I loved this conversation and I know people are going to get a lot out of it.

Lou: Thank you for making it comfortable for me to talk about a topic.

I don't know, always thought about it. Thinking that Nancy. I know you're one of my safe paid or ears and this conversation just proved that to me again, that it's safe here to talk about this. And so for allowing me to just say the words,

Nancy: thank you. Yes.

---

Episode 162: Lou Blaser and the Performative Nature of High Functioning Anxiety - Part 1

In this episode, I’m going to go deep into the performative nature of high functioning anxiety and talk with Lou Blaser from the Second Breaks Podcast.

Well, we made it to 2021! I hope you had a wonderful holiday season. I know I’m excited to be back at the podcast after a short break. 

One of the most challenging aspects of High Functioning Anxiety is the Catch-22 of the positive affirmations you receive for being so on-it and accomplishing so much versus the overwhelm and exhaustion you feel under the surface. 

Does this sound familiar?

This Catch-22 causes those of us with HFA to be extremely performative in how we approach our lives. The never-let-them-see-you-sweat idea permeates everything we do. 

On today’s episode, I’m going to go deep into the performative nature of high functioning anxiety and talk with Lou Blaser from the Second Breaks Podcast. Lou was kind enough to agree to come on and talk about her experience with anxiety and depression. 

Lou and I refer to that Catch-22 as The Swan Effect: you look beautiful and calm on the outside but underneath the surface you are paddling like crazy. I am so excited for you to hear this interview. 

This is part one of this conversation with Lou. Check back next week for part two! 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• When Lou realized she needed help

• What therapy taught her about anxiety and depression

• The signs for Lou when she needs to step up her self-care practices

• How both our larger culture and the culture of the corporate world keep us stuck in performing.

Resources mentioned:

• secondbreaks.com

• Coach In Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Lou: I'm able to now catch it before it happens. I'm able to recognize the triggers or sometimes it's not even the trigger. It's just like the change in my past change, thinking the change in my patterns or thoughts. And then I go, oh, okay. He's getting closer again. The man in the black hat until let me just double down himself.

Nancy: We made it to 2021. I hope you had a wonderful holiday season and I'm excited to be back at the podcast. One of the more challenging aspects of high functioning anxiety is the catch 22 of the positive affirmations you receive for being so honest and accomplishing so much versus the overwhelm and exhaustion you feel under the surface.

This catch 22 causes those of us with high functioning anxiety to be extremely performative and how we approach our lives. The never let them see you. Sweat idea, permeates everything we do. You're listening to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships.

I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith. On today's podcast. I'm talking with Lou blazer from the second breaks podcast. Lou was kind enough to agree to come on and talk about her experience with anxiety and depression, Lou and I refer to that catch 22 as the Swan effect, you look beautiful and calm on the outside, but underneath the surface you are paddling like crazy.

I am so excited for you to hear this interview. This episode has a part. Yeah. And a part two will be released next week. Keep listening to hear when Lou realized she needed help, what therapy taught her about anxiety and depression, the signs for Lou when she needs to step up her self-care practices, how both our larger culture and the culture of the corporate world keep us stuck in performance.

I'm so excited today to introduce Lou blazer from the second brakes podcast, she is here to talk to us about her experience with high-functioning anxiety. I just can't say enough, Lou. I know this is hard and requires a ton of vulnerability. And so I really appreciate you being here. And sharing your story because I think any time we can hear someone else's story, it helps us, it just makes it less lonely,

Lou: yes. Yeah. And as I mentioned to you before we hit record, it's not something that I normally talk about in the grand scheme of things, but I will do it with you because you, and I'm comfortable talking about it with you.

Nancy: So how would you say let's just dive right in. How would you say your high functioning anxiety shows up?.

Lou: Okay. So whenever I think about anxiety or depression or any kind of mental wellbeing sort of topic, I always think in terms of before and after. So I call it before awareness. It was a long period of time when I didn't know what was going on. I didn't understand what was going on. So there was that before awareness and then after awareness, I call it.

And unfortunately, most of my life I was in the, before away,

Nancy: I was just going to say, what was the timeframe? What was, when would you say the awareness came in?

Lou: I know exactly the year it happened. It was 2008. So it was about 12 years ago now. And the reason is because I just felt like. I finally had to talk to someone.

So before that I was not talking to anyone. I was not seeing a therapist. I wasn't telling anybody about anything. Not my friends, not my family. I just felt like it was something that. You don't talk about Lou, cause that's maybe a defect there. And also a couple of things I grew up in an environment where you don't talk about these things.

and it's drama. You don't want drama. Do other people say, that kind of environment. So that was one. And then two, I was working in a very competitive as a lot of people of your listeners as well. I'm sure I was working a very competitive industry where the mantra was. I don't know if it's still the mantra now, but when I was there, it was awkward.

So it's either you're moving up the ladder or you're outta here. So talking about anxiety and mental wellbeing, something we normally talk about. And so those are the kinds of things that you or I hit. And then, like I said, around 2008, I just felt okay, Lou it's over and above. I just felt like I need to talk to someone.

And so I find the, on my own, it wasn't like somebody told me is that I had to seek help. It was just, I just felt like overwhelmingly, like the water is up to my nose already. The kind of thing.

Nancy: There wasn't like a breaking point oh my gosh, like it I can’t get out of bed, or I can't function in the world.

It was just your own like whoa this is too much,

Lou: This is such a cliche and people talk about this all the time, but it's the clearest analogy, that Swan that's like smooth sailing to the surface, but frantically paddling, that is the, I know it's a cliche, but that is the visual representation of what was happening to me.

And there was, there just came a point where the paddling. That was happening beneath the surface was just too much. And I said, okay, I need to just talk to someone. And I looked up my insurance service providers and I picked someone whose name sounded like, Ooh, seems like I know I liked this person's name.

I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't ask for a recommendation because if you ask for recommendations, that means you're looking for someone, right? Exactly. Fortunately for me, Nancy Remi. Thank goodness for this. The person I went to talk to was very helpful. I glad it was her. And that was. The beginning of cracking that wall of awareness that I began to understand things.

Now, having said that it's not, and I'm sure this is not your case either, or the people that you talk to. It's not like it talked to a therapist and woo

Nancy: I wish that was the case. That would be awesome. It

Lou: It was still a struggle For many, many years, after awareness.

Nancy: Yeah. Cause I, one of my messages is I still struggle with this.

This is still a thing. It just is now I have coping skills around it that I didn't have in the past. My goal is always. Th the closing the gap of when I notice that I'm in anxiety and when I take an action and sometimes that's quick, sometimes that's days, a couple weeks ago, it was a couple of weeks that I was stuck in it and I couldn't get out of it, but sometimes it's like the straight jacket of anxiety and depression come over us and we can't get out of it.

Lou: Yeah exactly. That's it. And I think that is that gap that you're talking from the catching it, before you go into a spiral, that is the number one things that I learned from just being aware, because before I, I didn't know, I was. Catching anything I didn't know what to be aware of anything.

It just happens. And I know, and I'm in a spiral,

Nancy: you talked about anxiety and depression. Tell me how those play out for you.

Lou: So for the record, when I went to see a therapist in 2008 and we do. Questionnaires and examining and talking and dogging. And that's when I was first diagnosed was clinical depression.

I've heard of people having depression, but I didn't really understand what that meant or that, and this is going to sound very sad, but my impression of people who have. Anxiety disorders or depression is that they're catatonic

Nancy: talk about it more because that is common

Lou: That is my impression of people who are not able to be successful. Productive citizens. And then when I'm beginning to understand this, I'm like, oh my God, there's probably more of us who are experiencing it, but we're just not talking about it. Or we don't have the vocabulary or we just don't know how to talk about it safely.

That's when I began to understand these different things, I don't know necessarily how. Differentiate between am I going into a depression cycle? Or if this is a, an anxiety sort of moment, shorter moment, I just know the feelings that occur. Or the feelings that I begin to pay attention to. And I also have this is going to sound probably funny, but I have this visualization of my anxiety or my depression, and maybe it's wrong to interchange towards Nancy.

Nancy: But let me just say, I don't think it is. I love how you said that we get so caught up in what's the label. Like you said, I recognize these feelings. They're sending me down a spiral, whether that's a spiral of anxiety or depression, I just know something's off. And I got to take action and close that gap.

That's why I asked you to talk about it. Cause I think labeling it doesn’t Matter. It's just recognizing something's off and it isn't. Okay. And let me do something

Lou: Thank you exactly. Cause that's just another layer of anxiety.

So I have this I learned this when I was out regularly seeing a therapist where. I have this man in a black suit with a black hat. And I always say that this man is always with me. He is always in the room. It's just the most of the time he's far away, but sometimes I can feel, I can see him coming closer.

And that's when I knew. This is my acne anxiety flare. My depression is flaring up and I have to keep him at bay. He has to be out there in a corner out there where I can see him and he's out there saying it that way, but that is how it comes across in my head.

Nancy: Yeah. I love that because that's what I love about my characters is they give for me that same idea of, oh, I, it takes me. It takes out the personalization that there's something wrong with me. It's like that guy and he's getting closer and I got in here.

Yeah. I love that. I love that two things. I want to go back to first. I want to go back to the Swan analogy and you were like, ah, that's, it's overdone and any, all of that. Things that are over done. They're over done for a reason, because it is so common. And I think that it's so unfortunate how our society, we still really value the Swan.

Oh, we don't want to see what's underneath. And so it gets reinforced. Yes. Keep being okay. Keep being okay. Because so many people have to have a. A moment of breakdown, like everything comes crashing down before they will recognize AF problem. And that's why I love that you were able to recognize it ahead of that.

And I think that's important. And then the other thing I wanted to say was how you said. Just to draw attention to the idea that people don't have the vocabulary, or they don't have a place to talk about it safely, because I think that is so important. And that's one reason I love your analogy of the man with the black hat and the idea of the monger and the BFF, because it's giving us a language that isn't emotional as anxiety and depression, we have stigmatize those. And I know there's a lot of work in trying to de-stigmatize them, but I also think there's some help in changing the language.

Lou: I think there's also a sexist element of it. So there's this story. This was actually the time when I finally saw the therapist.

That's why this story was one of the first things I told her. We had this very intense project and with lots of problems and lots of headaches, but it was very visible to the company and the CEO and the board of directors. They were all eyes on this project that I was leaked to. My boss was leading and I was in the team.

And then. At the end of the day, he would call me in his office and he would tell me how nervous he is about this project, how anxious he feels about this project, how you know, he's worried about what is going to do to his career. If this project goes, Hey, why are all these kinds of things? And I am there to listen to dally.

Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay. We are working hard. We are meeting the milestones. Don't worry. We have a plan for attack. I am not. I'm going to say aloud, although that may be unfair, but I couldn't reflect the same thing. First of all, I felt like my role is I have to be absorbing it. And also a woman sending those things will be described.

Oldest stuff that we are described as when we are pulling those things. And so all the more I have to be more like in control and we have a plan and don't you worry, and I got your back and that's why you have me here. And meanwhile, I go home and I have the exact same feelings he was talking to me about.

So I think there's also that layer to it that as women we have to be, or I had to be speaking for myself, I felt like I had to be careful about how it comes across to other people so that they won't label me as emotional or drama queen or not being able to handle stress or see, she's not up to the leadership, those things.

Nancy: Ah, If the listeners could see me, I am nodding emphatically over here. But no, that is an awesome point because I think know it's both sides of the coin. It's I have to be supportive in my life who are flipping out and I can't flip out. It's a double whammy. And I think that sexism definitely plays a role there.

I think that a big part of how this plays out is that we swallow these lies without ever having anyone be like, think of it a different way. And so that's a little bit, what I want the podcast to be is a way for people to be like, oh, it doesn't have to be like, yeah, this is not something I need to swallow all the time.

Lou: I wish that I could say that if I was a little bit braver. That I could have poked about it more that I could have been more transparent about it. But I say I wish because to be honest, I am not sure if I had been bravery, if I had been integrated, been received well, or if it would have been a safe environment.

So I think that. For me, one of the most important things that happened was seeking a therapist because that was the safe environment to be able to talk about it. And then as I learn more about it, I read more about it. Then I said, oh, there are other people. And then meeting other people who like you in our community that we both belong in that weekend.

Talk about this things and it's safe and nobody's going to judge you and nobody's going to say, oh, Nancy is flipping out. And so that's safe environment. I don't know. I'm not in corporate America anymore. So 2014 I stepped away. I would hope that these days it's a little bit more open for example, I say that because pick Harvard business review, like when I was climbing the ladder, there, weren't a lot of mental wellbeing articles written in Harvard business.

I read those articles now. So maybe there's more openness. Now, maybe there's more awareness now about these things, that these are things that need to be getting discussed or managed in the workplace.

Nancy: But I'm glad you said that because I think our tendency is to, when we. See a different way of doing it, then we're like, oh, I need to tell everyone about this, or I'm not being brave, as you said.

And I think being brave is recognizing where is it safe to talk about this? It's recognizing, going into the corporate, going to my boss and being like, Hey, I'm in therapy and I'm learning this and this. Not safe, not a good plant, not smart. So that idea, we go to that black and white thinking of, oh, I'm gonna, I learned this, so I need to be brave and share it with everyone.

I think if we could just start talking about it in the areas where we're safe. And practice building up that resilience around it then potentially maybe with a capital M we can head out into the world and start talking about it differently. Exactly. Because there are a lot of messages around it. Not doing it.

Lou: Yeah, but sometimes I feel on defense because there is this message or sentiment out there that for those of us who understand that we should speak out and speak up about these things and advocate these kinds of conversations. But there's also recognizing that it could be harmful if you are just having discussions, Willy nilly about it.

Things are not paying attention to where you're having these discussions. Yeah. Let's talk about it openly all the time.

Nancy: Yeah. I agree with you. You're not going to go to someone who is completely closed down about these topics and start talking about it, but to be open to recognizing others a window here, let me share, ah, I was a Swan.

Yeah.

Lou: For example, I'm just being perfectly candid, like back in 2004, 2005. If you walked up to me, Nancy, and tell me, can you talk about your anxiety? I'll be like, Nancy, what are you talking about?

Nancy: Yeah.

Yes. I'm not going there because I would even agree. I would agree. I agree with you. I would feel the same way and I'm a freaking thing. No, I would have been like, I don't have anxiety. I help people with anxiety. It's not my thing. I'm a Swan ruined through. There's no paddling underneath, even I am just together.

Lou: Yeah. I love that word. I am together. Yes,

Nancy: because that's the biggest challenge, I think, with all of this, but specifically with the high functioning piece. That we get so much praise for being a Swan to admit that we're paddling so hard underneath is a point of shame. And to admit that we're struggling with paddling underneath is a point of shame.

I was a major off for me when I realized with food where I want to be with food is to eat whatever I want and not have any ramifications. It's not that I want to get my eating under control. I went to magically be able to eat whatever I want because I value people that can eat whatever they want and not gain weight.

I think they're way cooler than me. They figured something out and it's just fricking metabolism, but the same is true that I want to be able to do all the stuff and be on top of it and be a Swan. But it's a negative that I'm paddling so hard underneath.

Lou: Yeah exactly. Talk about that paddling thing. The funny thing for me, so I started seeing a therapist in 2008, then I was regularly seeing her for years.

And so that was obviously helpful and I was starting to read things a bit more. So my awareness, my understanding of it. But the thing is that really what's helped me is when I stepped away from corporate America. So let me just make sure I clarify that it's not that stepping away from corporate America is this illusion.

It is this because as soon as I stepped away from corporate America, I no longer had to perform they in day out for other people. Together image before when I was going to the office every day, Monday to Friday, or sometimes when they just Saturday, whatever it was, I was all on, but then I stepped away and I started doing things for myself and start my own business, this pressure to perform for others, to look together all the time disappeared overnight.

Yeah. And then I started to feel like, okay, I can allow myself to feel this way and all those other pressure disappeared over that, that to me was very helpful. And then I began to be able to be more. Aware of when it's happening that catching it because I'm allowing myself to feel it, whereas before it was like, it's always there's always this defenses up mechanism so that I'm not even really feeling because I'm fighting it all the time.

Nancy: Because it wasn’t safe to feel it

Lou: Its wasn't, right? But as soon as that thing where I'm allowing myself to feel it, so then I'm able to now catch it before it happens. I'm able to recognize the triggers or sometimes it's not even the trigger. It's just like the change in my past to change thinking the change in my patterns or thoughts.

And then I go, oh, okay. He's getting closer again. The man in the black hat until let me just double down himself.

Nancy: That totally makes sense. Cause I think that it is that idea, which is first the chicken or the egg because society, culture, corporate America is broken in this belief that we all need to be beautiful swans and to be mentally healthier and to be better human beings that we can't have that image.

And so it doesn't fit in. With what the larger culture wants us to be. As you said, I'm not advocating that everyone leave corporate America, right? It's a lot harder. The change, the behavior. If you are immersed in, you have to be a Swan. You have to be a Swan. You have to be a Swan. You have to be a Swan.

Yeah. I also wanted to comment on you catching yourself. You said it's not a trigger. And I think that is important to recognize too. That it's not like it gets triggered it's sometimes it does, but sometimes it just comes on. Sometimes it just the anxiety and the thoughts and the, it just overwhelms us, so I will say sometimes my inner critic, just as louder than other days, the monger is louder. And so on those days she can come in and it's like a straight jacket that she puts on me. It just happens.

A huge, thank you to Lou. It takes a lot of courage to be willing, to be so vulnerable.

---

Episode 158: What is Self-Compassion with Gary Ritts

In this episode, a conversation with my childhood minister, Gary Ritts about self-compassion, grace, empathy, Brene Brown, sympathy, loving relationships, and kindness.

The self-help industry is FULL of concepts that are meant to inspire you into a better version of yourself—go big or go home, love yourself, rewrite your past.

But what happens when they’re overused and lose all their meaning? How can they then motivate you to live happier and more fulfilled?  

And what about self-compassion? 

I remember reading Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance, where she tells a story about a woman’s mother who was dying. On her deathbed, the mother opened her eyes and said, “You know, all my life I thought something was wrong with me. What a waste.” 

I can still remember where I was when I read that line. At that time self-compassion was NOT a part of my life. In fact, it was the exact opposite: I believed something was wrong with me and I was constantly looking for the fix. Kind of the opposite of self-love and self-compassion.

The bright side is that one line prompted my quest to figure out what self-compassion was and how it looked for me. It was a cautionary tale—and I swore I would figure out a way to be kinder to myself.

In today’s episode, I’m bringing you a conversation with my childhood minister, Gary Ritts. We started our conversation with self-compassion and went down a number of avenues beyond it into grace, empathy, Brene Brown, sympathy, loving relationships, and kindness. 

This is one of my favorite episodes I have ever recorded and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How self-compassion is radical self-care and what self-compassion can look like

• Ways that self-compassion can look for different people—and how to find ways to recharge yourself so you feel more complete and fulfilled

• Why compassion and self-compassion are a choice that requires practice by learning and doing

• How grace is something that is given to us—and why we can choose to accept it, even if we don’t think we are worthy

Resources mentioned:

• Book: Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach

• Coach In Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

The self-help industry is FULL of concepts that are meant to inspire you into a better version of yourself—go big or go home, love yourself, rewrite your past.

But what happens when they’re overused and lose all their meaning? How can they then motivate you to live happier and more fulfilled?

And what about self-compassion?

I remember reading Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance, where she tells a story about a woman’s mother who was dying. On her deathbed, the mother opened her eyes and said, “You know, all my life I thought something was wrong with me. What a waste.”

I can still remember where I was when I read that line. At that time self-compassion was NOT a part of my life. In fact, it was the exact opposite: I believed something was wrong with me and I was constantly looking for the fix. Kind of the opposite of self-love and self-compassion.

The bright side is that one line prompted my quest to figure out what self-compassion was and how it looked for me. It was a cautionary tale—and I swore I would figure out a way to be kinder to myself.

In today’s episode, I’m bringing you a conversation with my childhood minister, Gary Ritts. We started our conversation with self-compassion and went down a number of avenues beyond it into grace, empathy, Brene Brown, sympathy, loving relationships, and kindness.

This is one of my favorite episodes I have ever recorded and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

How self-compassion is radical self-care and what self-compassion can look like

Ways that self-compassion can look for different people—and how to find ways to recharge yourself so you feel more complete and fulfilled

Why compassion and self-compassion are a choice that requires practice by learning and doing

How grace is something that is given to us—and why we can choose to accept it, even if we don’t think we are worthy

Resources mentioned:

Book: Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach

Coach In Your Pocket

The Happier Approach Book

Transcript:

Gary: Self compassion is not a constant. It comes and goes when you're in the loving relationship, which relationship implies a connection. I think you may be feeling self-compassion. The trick is to recognize that by being in a relationship, you are worthy of that grace.

Nancy: Self-compassion is a phrase that has been used so much.

It has lost all meaning. I remember reading Tara Brach's book, radical acceptance, and she tells a story about a woman whose mother was dying on her death bed. The mother opened her eyes and said, all my life, I thought something was wrong with me. What a waste. I can still remember where I was when I read that.

And at the time self-compassion was definitely not a part of my life. In fact, it was the exact opposite. I believed something was wrong with me and I was constantly looking for the fix, but that one line started me on a quest to figure out what self-compassion was and how it looked for me. It was a cautionary tale and I swore I would figure out a way to be kinder to myself.

You're listening to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the new to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith. Today, I'm bringing you my conversation with my childhood minister, Reverend Gary Ritz, our topic area was self-compassion, but we went down a number of avenues in this conversation.

We talked about grace empathy, Brené Brown sympathy, loving relationships and kindness. This is one of my favorite conversations I've ever recorded on the podcast. And I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do. When I initially asked Gary to be on the podcast, I gave him the subject matter self-compassion and provided him with a list of things to think about what I loved most about this conversation is the different topic areas we covered and the different lens through which Gary sees the world.

We can get bogged down and hearing the same message said over and over. And Gary provided me. And hopefully you, with some new ways of looking at things, some of my takeaways were self-compassion is radical. Self-care. Compassion and self-compassion are an act. They are a choice, not something that just happens.

It's a practice, something you learned and do. Grace is something that is given to us that we can choose to accept. Even if we don't think we're worried. Give us a quick introduction of yourself. If you don't mind,

Gary: Been in the business for…wow. 50 plus years nowadays, a United church of Christ retired minister. I still have my hand in doing services on weekends to fill in for ministers that are absent or not able to be there.

I went to school in Ohio and then seminary in Denver, Colorado, probably one of the. Important things in my life. It was a very liberal open-minded seminary at the time. And it just opened me up to a faith that was originally intellectual. And then became more a part of me and more inside my heart and down in the body.

The head trip had to change some things. I understood what I'd grown up with, what I've learned in church. And I tend to be a little outside the door. When it comes to faith and understanding who Jesus was. And what love is that he talked about and trying to help people have an open mind to express and accept all kinds of religions and their interpretation, because there's so many similarities.

I believe more than differences. It's a more of a literal versus open-minded interpretation.

Nancy: Well, I'm so glad you're here. And not that it's the same as his Christianity, but I think for me, that's what switched in when I was able to embody the principles of psychology that I had learned, but I just knew them intellectually.

And I find that a lot with my. Listeners and clients is that we can recite the concepts. We can talk about them intellectually, but really letting them sink in and become a part of who we are is a very different process. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So today we are talking about self-compassion and it is something I talk about a lot.

I tend to use the word kindness. Self-kindness a lot because self-compassion has been beaten to death. Yeah. In people who just have the intellectual understanding, it's lost all meaning because we know we need to be compassionate to ourselves. We know we need to have more compassion. And yet the idea of it is just befuddling.

Yes. So tell me. What is your definition of self-compassion.

Gary: It helped me to start to think about the differences between grace and self-compassion. And to me, first of all, grace is something else. That we can receive or not. And also the notion of selfishness versus self-compassion how those often get confused.

I certainly understand that, but as I look at it, self interest selfish ness is the end point is. Me, when I'm getting something it's selfish it's for me where compassion and even self compassion is more a part of becoming a part of a flow that starts with grace. It comes through us, but it doesn't stop there.

Then it goes outside of us of compassion. In its expression needs to become an act or reaching out and touching another life. Whether that's just listening to someone to help them be real and to be validated in who they are. And all of that can get real mixed up in terms of self-worth. And again, it gets confusing when you try to measure who you are by what you do.

As opposed to simply being who you are and what you do is out here, not a part of your worth at all, but it's a real fuzzy line. I believe that I think it's Brené Brown that actually says that compassion is not a virtue. It's a commitment, which means it's an action. It's something you've got to choose to do.

And you it's not that you have it or not. You just either do it or you don't. And that is a conscious choice, grace. Grace is available. And the challenge, I think for all of us is to accept it to allow it to come inside of us and validate who we are without question. And then you mentioned about the Jesus thing about loving your neighbor as yourself, which is actually an old Testament statement that Jesus is there to his favorite Leviticus, quotes, love God and love self as neighbor itself.

And to me. It's you mentioned, how can you be in a loving relationship and yet may not love yourself? I don't personally think that's possible because I think that there are moments that again, self compassion is not a constant. It comes and goes. Yeah. So when you're in the loving relationship, which relationship implies a connection.

I think you may be feeling self-compassion the trick is to recognize that by being in a relationship, you are worthy of that grace, that free gift that this other person is giving to you, therefore. When Jesus says, you love your neighbor as yourself to me. I look at it as you are loving your neighbor at the same time, you are loving yourself.

So therefore it becomes like a circle. And if you don't love yourself, I think there may be some not falseness per se, but lack of depth to what you're giving the other person lack of maybe a part of yourself is you're doing what you're supposed to do. Which sometimes can back up into you and you might feel good about what you're doing.

And that's a little bit of self compassion too. And but again, the word I like to use as you practice compassion and you receive grace, it's free.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. When I you said love yourself before you can love someone else. I always have, I have a big trigger around that phrase.

Gary: Again, let me correct that though.

I'm not sure. It's always before.

Nancy: There you go, okay, go ahead.

Gary: As in as the same time as,

Nancy: oh, okay

Gary: I know what you're saying. I can't love someone unless I love myself, but I'm not sure that's what he was saying. No, I think he was saying you love your neighbor as you are loving yourself.

Nancy: Okay. So the trigger was when I was single for a long time, people would say, oh, it's because, you got to love yourself before you find someone else.

And I'm like, okay, but come on. That's a lifelong thing of loving myself. That's not something I'm just going to master. And then proof's going to come in this amazing person to love.

Gary: I suppose you could build a wall. If there's something in the back of your mind is saying, how could anyone love it?

Yes, then you do have an issue and you've got a block that you're putting up for not allowing that reciprocity to take place. And certainly again, I would appeal to the past how we were raised Bernie. I love her story about the squad she couldn't make and that's. Put that roadblock up for her.

And I, yeah, I think you're right about that. It's there are things there that this allow us to love ourselves that say who do you like for an egg? What do you think?

Nancy: Yeah. I would say that my marriage has helped me. The love of my husband and him continually reminding me of, I'm in this like I'm on your side as much as I want to be like, fighting with him or whatever, for him to bring it back to be like, dude, we're a team, stop trying to push me away.

That has led me to love myself more, like he has shown me to do that. So I was going to say, I think it's layered. Oh yeah. Yeah, I love hearing those words. Thank you, Gary.

Gary: So I wrote down here is empathy and compassion the same thing as empathy and sympathy are the same thing, Are love and compassion, the same thing. Love and compassion are not synonyms. One thing when Jesus uses, when they write the word love in the new Testament, it's actually the Greek word. Then what we don't know is what they're actually saying is because there's three Greek words for love. Aeros, “Oh, I love You” that kind of stuff. And then there's Phileo Philadelphia brotherly love and then there's a compassionate love Agape, which is outward flowing from a sense of love that is deep and real. And doesn't expect return. It's simple. Outward most of the time, that's the word being used in the new Testament.

Not all the time. Phileo was also a word used in the new Testament, but again, to me, that compassion, it's the biggest kind of expression of love and faith and whatever that the caring for the other person without expectation of reward in any kind of including heaven.

Nancy: Because for me, it was helpful. Even though empathy is something you give to other people for myself. When I could think I need to give myself some empathy here was helpful for me to think about it rather than compassion the word compassion mostly because of Brené’s work and her education on what empathy is.

And I can recognize because the tendency is to try to hack ourselves right to being what's quote unquote acceptable. We've been well-trained yes. Rather than the idea of let me first accept where I'm coming from and where, who I am and then do whatever. But even that becomes touchy because then it's okay, I accept myself for who I am.

Let me get to the part where I get. Rather than truly accepting myself for who I am, warts all, like we put a lot of lip service to that actual doing it is hard.

Gary: It is because there's the mind, the little speaker in the mind is always correcting us. I had a lady say isn't the conscience hour.

A voice of God. And I said, no, that's what our parents have taught us. That's what our society has taught us. It's a tape playing over and it's just, you don't listen to it. And again I guess I could say that I really came into my faith through, Meditation quieting that mind, by shutting down all the sheds and the arts and everything had been taught and just be in the presence of whatever came into me at that time.

And it like one of the illustrations I always use was when I made a call in a hospital, I would always stop at the door before I went in and I would empty myself. Everything that I had, that I was carrying at the door and walk in and just be there for that person. Now, granted, like you say, it's not always easy, cause you might've just been yelled at, by somebody on the street or something. Yeah. Why are you parking there? You gotta leave it behind and you just because being in the present moment, that to me is the most powerful way to find grace. To find self-worth and even to be finding the self-worth of another person is to be in the moment.

I love the difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy is to feel with at the same time as sympathy is to feel full. Someone you may understand it, what they're feeling, but you're not at the same moment feeling it. I've always remembered that when I'm walking into a room, it's not sympathy. I'm looking to give it's empathy.

I need to try to feel, even if I've never been in that person's position, which sometimes I can't because. I haven't been in their position overnight, but I'm trying to get as close to it as I can, to the feeling of fear, which we've all had a feeling of confusion, which often leads to all kinds of, what's coming out of this person.

And I try to look behind that and say, okay what's the sadness here? What's the pain? What is the, what are you struggling with? So again, I love that ability to let it go. Yeah. Be in the moment and focus more on, on w what's going on.

Nancy: It always strikes me, this is, and this is my observation.

I did Brené Browns training in the daring way, and I think it was my bias and Brené’s bias towards empathy. So she says the key to decreasing shame is empathy and self care. But there was empathy and then self compassion, like empathy was the bigger message than self-compassion and she had that bias.

And then I took that bias and made it even bigger because I knew empathy. I didn't really get self-compassion. And so I came back from the training and I'm teaching about these two things and it's a lot of empathy. And then yeah. You got to love yourself too. Whatever. I don't really know what that means, but let's talk about empathy.

And so my clients would go out into the world and they would feel shame and they'd find they tell the story. They'd find empathetic people and. They come back to me and they're like,

Gary: Again. They have to ask themselves, are you finding simp empathetic or sympathy?

Nancy: It didn't matter. Cause they weren't able to give it to themselves.

They weren't able to get self-compassion. They were just doing empathy and people were saying, oh, that must be really hard. And we're in it with them, but it wouldn't go in because they couldn't give themselves the permission. Yes. Because I was teaching them. And self-compassion. And so then I saw Brené Brown was with Kristin Neff.

Who's an expert in self-compassion. And Brené said, I really struggle with self-compassion like, this is something I really struggle with. And it was like a light bulb went off in my head and I was like, oh, I struggled with it too. And your teachings and my teachings. Messing this all up, and so I flipped it on its head and was like it's both, but I need to be amping up the self-compassion piece.

Cause I got empathy. I got empathy all day long. I don't have the self compassion. And once I realized that's when everything started shifting. For me. And I got to know myself on such a deeper level because my mentality was everything that comes up for me. That brings shame. I got to get past it and move on so I can fix it and get better.

Versus let me acknowledge this and give myself some support around this and then see what can happen.

Gary: Yeah. And I would again say that if you are empathetic, there's a part of you that is worthy to feel empathy. You know what I mean? But your head might not realize that because there's too many messages going up, but to be empathetic, you have to have emptied yourself and felt worthy of feeling.

Rather than just for, and give him you trite phrases and cliches. Good for you kid.

Nancy: Well thanks, (laughter)

Gary: Heck of a journey!

I know when I am tired of giving, being compassionate and I need some self-compassion to recharge to, in other words, to do something for myself. That will recharge that spiritual part of me. And that's not as easy as it sounds. Oh, that means I got to go out and work in the yard or I've got to go build something.

Not necessarily it's whatever you come away from feeling. More complete, more accomplished walk in the woods, meditation, yoga. It's just, it's different for all of us. I think it's composed of a lot of things and I can always remember. I never had a sabbatical til I got left the Methodist church and went into the United church of Christ, where it was required in your contract.

Judy and I went to the native American college. And I came back from that. So recharged because I was so fed by a totally well, not totally a very deep spiritual reality in the native American culture, connected to the earth. And my soul was being fed. My compassion. I was received. Compassion, from people and who talked and shared.

And I came back and look out, those sermons were probably the best I've ever preached, but I could feel different walking into a hospital room because I had practiced self compassion, doing something for myself, not just self acceptance.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. Cause I think that, that's where in, in the model that I talk about and you have that, the voice, the monger, and then we go, oh, let me give myself a break.

And we go into what I call false self-compassion and that's the BFF voice, which is go ahead, have that drink, take the day off and watch Netflix. But that isn't soul nurturing, right? That is just. I numbing. And then the third character is the voice of the biggest fan who comes in to say, Hey, I think maybe we need to do some mindfulness exercises or we need to meditate, or we need to run or take a walk, go outside, which isn't necessarily what we mentally want to do.

A lot of times our minds is telling us something. Different than our soul.

Gary: Yeah. And sometimes with should attach. Yes. Yeah. You should do this.

Nancy: Yeah. Many times,

Gary: And certainly part of that reality for you and us is that over time I learned that Judy, what she suggests will be helpful to me. And there's still a little part of my mind said, I don't want to do this.

I just want to sit and watch Netflix. But the other side of me says, If you go with her lead, you're going to be better when you come back. And that's always the case. And probably that's a part of that. Self-compassion too is find the people you trust, like Bearnaise little, one inch square to also give you some thoughts on what's good for me to do you know me?

What might be good for us or for me, or.

Nancy: Yeah. And there's paying attention to, oh, when I do this, I do feel better, and remember that's even knowing, like when I eat an apple, instead of grabbing the chocolate chips that I want, I feel bad. Yeah. Yeah. And so then it's oh that's nurturing to myself.

So let me do more of that. But it's our brain convinces us when you can get away with the chocolate chips. So do the chocolate chips, play with watching Netflix, why wouldn't you? Because we're always gaming the system. So I have a question about grace. Okay. What happens if you, you receive grace and you don't have the self-compassion piece,

Gary: I would say you cannot receive grace.

If you don't think you're worthy of it receiving in a sense of acknowledging, accepting and feeling because you can block right. And it can come from we've just talked about all many directions of why we're not worthy. And then probably the hardest time to accept grace is in the midst of forgiveness of ourselves because guilt and shame are huge roadblocks.

And that's, I think the power of a priest confessions in the Catholic church is to have that person who will take that away from them. To allow the grace to get into us. And of course the Protestant understanding of that is that we are our own priests, but that's often not easy. You have to be willing to forgive yourself.

That it was wrong. Like you say, and you did something wrong. Okay. I did it wrong. It doesn't make me a bad person, bad choices, maybe stupid but not a bad person. And therefore the grace can then get in. But I agree with you that without at least an openness to self-compassion, if you've got a block there, the grace, you're not going to recognize it.

I'm not saying you don't have it or get it. You might not.

Nancy: I get it. I get it.

How can you teach someone? Self-compassion

Gary: I think you probably have to come in by a back door, teach them awareness, quieting the voice. I think sometimes self-compassion will happen. Yeah. And also help them reflect on times things they've done that have made them feel good, because I think we all do that.

And I think people will know that feeling. Whereas you help them name it as self-compassion, they can begin to see it as connected. Oh, it's actually a feeling or even deeper than that. It's a place to stand. And again, a lot of tummy psychology and all therapy is helping people now. The issues and the positives and the negatives and helping us put a name to what we're experiencing.

And again, I like to use Jesus. People get all upset that he's a miracle worker. No, he's not. He helps people name their emotions. That's how they got. You helped them name them. The demons. He called them. They called them back then it's a naming feelings is what he was doing. Nothing magical.

Certainly a big. Realize that when you feeling those feelings of being replenished, you are receiving grace, help them put a name on that. As this is what you're feeling. It's a good thing. What's happening.

Nancy: Yeah. It's always, it's so funny. I spent the majority of my career and the majority of my life, trying to hack my way out of my feelings.

Like you shouldn't be feeling this way. You should be feeling this way, and it wasn't until I figured out, oh, I have to acknowledge this stuff. And the most powerful thing I can say to myself is, so what if you are, so I'll say, oh, I'm angry about this, but I shouldn't be angry. I should be blah, blah, blah.

And then I'll be like, so what if you are angry? And it's oh yeah. What if I am, like then I can move around in it when I can give myself the permission to do it, but we spend so, or, I have spent so much time trying to pretty everything up. And make sure that it looks okay instead of giving myself the compassion to say, what if you are imperfect?

Yeah. Yeah.

Gary: When our psychologist says it's neither good nor bad, that's a heck of a message, but that's what I got in seminary was it's okay. What you're feeling is okay. It's you just, sometimes you need to experience it. If I could feel pressure building, oftentimes I knew I needed to cry. Okay.

And I had songs that I could play on the piano that would make me cry and I began to worry, that's okay. It's okay to do that and go because once you move through it,

Nancy: oh, absolutely.

Gary: The weight is off your shoulders and you can breathe again.

Nancy: Because it's almost like there was a backlash, I think, and cognitive behavioral therapy is wonderful for its purposes, but it does not help with the acknowledging the feelings piece.

Like it is definitely ha let me hack my way out of it. And cognitive behavioral therapy is so popular for that reason because I can analyze. Yeah. Makes sense. Yes, exactly. And I think it's embracing what doesn't make sense. Yeah. Yeah.

Gary: It's the key and the hard work of therapy. Yes, because it's draining, it's tiresome, you're fighting and fighting.

Nancy: Yeah. Cause I get so tired of, I'm tired of saying it. I get tired. Cause I know my clients are like, I don't want to freaking name what I'm feeling right now. Lady like solve the problem for me. Yes. Okay. Okay. Feeling angry. Now tell me what to do, okay. Any last words you would say

Gary: last word. So just to go for it, practice self-compassion.

Awareness Grace's there. It's free and it's calming. It's all around you, but you got to get the blocks out of the way and let it in, and then you can give it away in compassion. Amen.

Nancy: Amen.

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Episode 156: What Is Happy?

In this episode, I decided to ask some of the people in my life—my mom, my second mom, my nephews, and my friend Andrew, who is a philosophy professor at Otterbein University—what they think about happiness.

What is happy? 

This is a loaded question—but it’s something I want to explore in this episode because happiness is the #1 thing my clients say they want. But how do we get to happiness? What is the path there?

Lately, I’ve been on a quest to go deeper. To ask questions. To get clear. 

In episode 153, I explored how asking and studying into a question helps you to really get to the heart of the issue. 

What does happiness look like? 

What does happiness feel like? 

How will we know when we’ve reached happiness? 

For this episode, I decided to ask some of the people in my life—my mom, my second mom, my nephews, and my friend Andrew, who is a philosophy professor at Otterbein University—what they think about happiness and you’ll hear their ideas throughout the show. 

As you’re listening to this episode, I challenge you to ask yourself: what is happy for you? 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How happiness is fleeting and is a feeling we have, just like sadness and anger. It isn’t a state of constant being

• How to give ourselves grace and relieve ourselves of the pressure that we should be happy all the time—and if we aren’t happy, there must be something wrong with us

• Examples of what makes people happy from reading in peace, creating something, and spending time with family

Resources mentioned:

• Coach In Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy: What is happy. This is a topic I want to explore because the number one thing my clients say, they want more happiness. Don't we all. And lately I've been a bit on this quest to go deeper. As I alluded to a couple of weeks ago, I want to start asking the question under the question. And so in this episode, we're diving deeper into the question.

What is happy? What does it look like? How do you know when you're experiencing it? You're listening to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith. I began my journey, figuring out what is happy by asking my family, what did they consider happy to be?

And I didn't give them much notice. I just came down to my mom's house for a socially distanced family gathering and said, Hey, what do you think happy is? And recorded their answers. And their answers were fascinating to me, the variety, and yet the similarities I'll be sprinkling. Those answers throughout the show.

And as you're listening, I challenge you to ask yourself what is happy for you? First let's hear from my nephew, Aaron, as he talks about gratitude.

Nancy: Tell me Aaron, how would you define happy? What is happy to you?

Aaron: I try and be a grateful person. I think when I'm grateful for things that I do every day. Stop to think about a moment that I appreciated. It makes me happier.

Nancy: My nephew and I have talked about his gratitude practice in the past. He's in his early twenties and he's in nursing school and he learned about it in one of his classes. They encouraged him to set an alarm on his phone and every day to practice naming the things he's grateful for that day.

And I love how he shares how his gratitude practice has changed over time.

Aaron: I do gratitude every day at 10:00 PM. I started with the big things, thankful for family and healthy and happiness. And now I just do things that happen during the day. So just three small things that could have happened during the day that I go back into.

Nancy: And so since practicing that, would you say you're happier? I definitely would say so. Yeah. I've been doing it for about two years now. So at first it was focusing in at 10. And think about your gratitude. But now when I go around just living my normal life, I can appreciate things as I go. Just makes you think more about being grateful for little, the moments.

Nancy: Of course, I couldn't do an episode on what is happy without researching happiness. And so I typed in what is happy into Google and upped popped an article from the Stanford encyclopedia of philosophy. All about happiness, which immediately led me to my friend, Andrew Mills, who is a philosophy professor at a local university here in Columbus.

Andrew. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Andrew: Sure. I am a philosophy professor at Otterbein university, which is located in Westerville, Ohio, a suburb of Columbus. I've been teaching there for about 21, 22 years, and I teach undergraduate classes on the history of philosophy, introduction to philosophy, environmental philosophy classes.

A general education class I teach cause it's called happiness and the good life. And that's a course where we serve, they different approaches to happiness and the good life going all the way back to the ancient Greeks. People like Socrates, but up to the modern day people like Martin Luther king and contemporary folks who were working.

Yeah. Living simply environmental approaches as well

Nancy: . So what is happy when you're looking at it from a philosophy standpoint?

Andrew: that's a great question. One question, so that I think about a lot is the distinction between a happy life and a good life. I think a lot of the philosophical literature going all the way back to people like Socrates thought about.

Not so much the psychological state of being happy of feeling. Moment to moment, but about whether one's life is going well. And so is one leading a good life. And a lot of philosophers would try to define what the conditions are for leading a good life. Does a good life require that.

Engage in one's community and be politically active and seek to make the world a better place. Is that what a good life is? Even if doing that might involve long stretches of stress and worry and agitation and states that we might not think of happy because it's hard work. So people like civil, activists might think that they're engaged in the good fight or religious lives. Monastic lives of devotion to God might be seen as good lives, but don't involve the sort of pleasures that many of us think a part of living happily. So I spent a lot of time trying to tease that apart and the other side.

What we think of as being like states of psychological happiness of just what a good feeling might accompany lives that we think are from a, I dunno, moral point of view, pretty miserable, right? Because you're acting in rapacious, evil, horrible ways in order to surround yourself with luxuries and fancy food and find wine and all the rest of it.

So that's one thing I try to do is tease apart that psychological state feeling well from living a good life. Not that the two can't go together.

Nancy: So as I was talking with Andrew, I had this aha around. Wow. So many of us, when we think about happiness or what is happy or achieving happy. So often we think about this feeling of permanent happiness that I will achieve a state of happy or a common refrain.

I hear my clients talk about a lot is and myself as well. I should be happy. What's wrong with me. I should be happy as if it is a permanent space. That we can achieve. And what was so fascinating in this conversation with Andrew was pulling apart those two concepts of happy as a psychological state and a good life.

And what does that mean? Having a good life? So

Andrew: that's another way you could think about happiness in this hedonistic. He don't, ya are just the Greek word for pleasure. So the momentary pleasures, and you might think are you happy right now? No, I just stubbed my toe. I just dropped a brick on my foot.

Of course I'm in lots of pain. Which is the opposite of happiness. But then. People say let's pull back. Don't just think about this immediate second where you're suffering pain, but look at your life. How's it going this week or this month or this year? How's your life been altogether? And you think less about the stub toes and more.

Do I have a relative balance of pleasure over pain as my life been mostly pleasant with, moments of grief or sorrow or sadness. And so sometimes people, when they think about happy. Encourage us to think more broadly, not about today, but about this year or this period of my life. The hedonism is a really interesting view.

I was just teaching this last week that the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus we got our term Epicurean. He was an advocate. Hedonism. He sought the good life is a life filled with pleasure, the best life, not just psychologically best, but like morally best. The best way to live your life is to feel it with as much pleasure as possible.

But he understood pleasure in this really interesting way. He didn't understand pleasure as the states of excitation. It wasn't orgasms and massages and what it's like to have the best chocolate cake you've ever had. Every philosopher who teaches hedonism has to spend like 10 minutes. Saying, here's what you understand by hedonism because you're a person who lives in the 21st century and here's how philosophers understand hedonism.

And I use this, I found this there's some resort in the Caribbean. Maybe that's called hedonism too. And it's like clothes optional, like very, sybaritic kind of. Party resort place. And I just offer this up and say this is not what philosophers mean by hedonism for Epicurus. The state of pleasure was a state of, he called it Arthur Roxy was the Greek term contentment and not being troubled.

And so for him, pain is a deficit you're hungry or you're too cold or you're thirsty, or your leg hurts. And so pleasure is a state of. Suffering any of that stuff. So how do you get pleasure? Look around what pains do you have? What hungers or thirsts or aches or mental worries or agitation or stress or anxiety.

And then pleasure is a state of that. And can you get to the state where you're not hungry? You're not thirsty, you're not cold. You're not worried. You're not agitated. And then, and so it's not, if you're hungry, what you need is food. You don't need expensive food, you just need grass. And if you're thirsty, you just, a glass of water is fine.

You don't need to find the fanciest bottle of wine and you just need some water. And so for him, that opened up a whole avenue to saying the good life is actually the pretty simple life. You just need a few things to be in that state of contentment. You need shelter and you need friends and you need food, but you don't need fancy.

And in fact, the struggle for fancy causes all kinds of stress because we've got to work really hard to afford all the fancy stuff and to pay for the new house and the yacht and the bottles of wine. And so in the end of the day, it's not worth the price. So it was interesting, like he's thought about pleasure psychologically, opened up a kind of view about here's what the good life is.

Exactly. You don't need that much to live in a state of contentment or what you need is pretty easy to access for most people. But nowadays of course, we have this term Epicurean and there's like magazines have that term and that, or there's a person I described as a real Epicurean and it's a misunderstanding or just a different understanding of Epicurus his own view.

It's not fancy. It's not high end. It's not. Lobster Thermidor, if you are satisfied with the, not just the bare necessities, but the sort of simple, the simple life. Yeah. And, there's all kinds of social benefits to the ad, right? We're not all fighting with each other to get the fancy stuff and trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Life gets a little easier maybe if, from that point of view, if you're that kind of hedonism is hard. If what you want is excitement and, I dunno, orgasmic kind of all the time, like the thrill seeking, understanding of happiness, like that's hard because there aren't enough roller coasters in the world.

To help you get to that next thrill.

Nancy: So of course, this got me thinking about my own model and the ideas I have around the characters in our head and the monger and the BFF and the biggest fan and how for many people that I work with and myself included was the struggle of the lack of drama that comes when you are listening to the biggest.

That lack of excitement that Andrew is talking about. That biggest fan voice is the voice of simple living of looking back and seeing the good life. And we have been sold this idea that it needs to be dramatic and fun and exciting. And that idea that happy will get us there. And that is the lie.

The myth that our monger comes in to say, you should be happy. What's your purpose? And the BFF brings in that hedonistic, our traditional sense of what we think hedonism is that's the voice of the BFF. And it is so much more exciting to live in that place. It's also so much more painful, so much more exhausting, so much more drama filled and so much more conflict filled.

And when we can find that ease and that place of the biggest fan, we can find that simple life that Epicurus is talking. What also struck me about Epicurus is our tendency, as humans is to simplify everything down Epicurus means avoid pain and find simple pleasures. So looking at that, we tend to simplify everything down, but in reality, it's so much deeper than that.

It's so much more nuanced. And so we can find that richness in the nuance of it. After I hung up the conversation with Andrew, I was thinking about grief and how that is the ultimate thing that all of us have to go through the death of a loved one, and that can hurt our happiness because we're in grief.

And so I was curious on how Epicurus dealt with that. Andrew had suggested that I look up some of Epicureans teachings. And so I of course, went into Google again. And in his bat, a can saying number 66, he talks about let us show feeling for our friends who have died, not by lamenting, but by reflection, grieving that engages with our memories of the deceased in a positive way, can lead us to a greater appreciation of how they enriched our lives and the lives of others.

Such positively focused reflection. Albeit inevitably tinge with sadness should help us remember them with pleasure. It may even help us discover in ourselves a more mature attitude towards the inevitability of death. This is surely a positive, not a negative experience. What struck me about that is a, Epicurus believed that we're all going to die.

It's inevitable, nothing you can do about it. So you might as well accepted. And they also had the idea that if you're grieving one way to deal with that grief and to accept it is to be thinking of the memories of the person that you love and talk about them and keep them alive with their memories.

Which brings me to my next definition of what is happy by my dear friend and who I call my second mother? Yeah.

What is happy to you, Norma?

Norma: Happy to me. He is when the people around me that I love my family, my extended family, when everything is good with them, when they're achieving or they're not, but we're all sticking together and sharing it makes me happy.

It's what I need in my life. To have people that I love that much. And then I know they love me that much.

Nancy: And is this something that you experienced in memories of connecting with them or does it have to be face-to-face happening?

Norma: No, it's since the moment I knew them or even before I knew them because they weren't born yet.

It's just remembering and having those memories that I can tune into now at this age in particular, I'm doing a lot of sitting by myself and I can sit and think about all the fun times and everything. And it makes me happy.

Nancy: And as you can hear at the end and of that conversation, she was getting a phone call from one of those people that are so near and dear to her heart.

And I love the idea of Epicurus because as I said before, it reminds me so much of the biggest fan. And to me, it is the biggest fan. And yet, if there's anything this past year has taught me, it is the power of privilege and how it can keep us warped in happy. And how it's that definition of.

Happiness and simple pleasures isn't available to everyone. And so I asked Andrew about that and we got into this idea of what's. What else is there in the philosophy world that addresses those ideas of social justice?

Andrew: It's interesting. I was talking about that with my students. Cause he, again, he was, he didn't think a lot about justice, but he did think that for one, there's a reason, self interestedly for you to be just because the, if you don't commit crimes, his thought was, you're not afraid of being caught.

And so you're not wrapped with guilt of being apprehended, but of course, we live in a world where people get killed. Or are accused of doing things because of the way they look or because of their social position, that they didn't do anything, but they're apprehended by the police. And so they're people who live in all kinds of fear for their lives and they can't get away from that fear if simply by not doing the crimes because they're right.

You look this way and so the police bring you in. And so it was interesting that if you think that's happening in the world, Which I think it is, then you've got a motivation to maybe fix the world to enable all those people to live without fear. If we can get rid of the injustices in the world that will allow other people to, live without the constant fear of their oppression or getting arrested for something they didn't do or being attacked by folks.

So the social justice piece is hard for someone like Epicurus. Yeah. Philosopher John Stuart mill. He was this Victorian English philosopher. He also built was a hedonist in different sense from Epicurus, but he was a big social justice campaigner. And his thought was our goal in life is to produce as much pleasure as possible, not just for ourselves.

For everyone, right? Let's make society full of people who are happy. And so that you can see if that's your goal that motivates social justice. Let's make life better for people. And whether that's welfare state stuff, whether that's correcting unjust political systems, whether that's dealing with them.

Poverty, let's do things to make the lives of people as pleasant as possible. Not just egoistically, I'm going to get as much pleasure for me. If I can. Some of the social justice folks have that motivation, there's people suffering and let's fix the world. So those people don't have so much pain in their lives anymore.

Nancy: So the idea that happiness is not only about the simple pleasures and the good life and looking at your life from a whole. But it's also about getting out of your own selfishness and seeing the world through other people's eyes and seeing what is happening for other people and how can we all be achieving happiness together.

And I think that is such a great way of thinking about it. That gets us out of our own process, which is so often what happens in psychology and especially so often for those of us with anxiety, we really get stuck in our own heads and in our own processes. And so being able to think about, yeah, What is happy for other people and how can I help them achieve that level of happiness and myself?

How can I level the playing field so that we all are looking at this good life and able to achieve the good life, whatever that means for each of us individually. And so now I'm going to share what my mom said in her definition of what is happy.

What is happy to you, mom?

Jane: having my family come. Any reason, but to celebrate today, we had a get together and it was a great time of sharing around the dining room table.

It's also happy to me that I can be here in my own home and sit on my breezeway and read in peace and quiet.

I appreciate how my mom brought in two things that make her happy or the, her definition of happy. And I think this fits for a lot of us, it's obviously more than just one thing, but the idea of having connection and family and gathering together, and then the idea of having alone time and having space to, to read and do the things that bring us joy in our own brains in our own time.

And I think being able to be able to tap in and tap out of togetherness and being alone and togetherness and being alone. I think for a lot of us, that is a true essence of happy. It's a much more complicated answer than just one thing. This is what happened. And there are definitely times I'm sure for my mom that when she's sitting outside in her beautiful home, she wishes she was someplace else or she wishes she was doing other things.

That's what I loved about Epicurus as Andrew was talking about him was the idea that it's looking across your whole life. It's looking at what is the good life overall for me? How can I achieve that level of happy? When I look back on my life and I see my life as well. And how can I manage the times where it's tough and hard and I'm struggling, as Andrew said, I stubbed my toe or I've, just really my anxiety is through the roof.

How can I manage these times in an appropriate, positive, helpful way, and give myself that grace and kindness that will get me through this. Okay. So here's my last interview with my nephew Parker. Who's in his mid twenties on what his definition of happy is.

Parker: I'd say my, definition of happy kind as a two-prong I find it in two areas of my life, I'd say, and what I'm creating and making something just active.

Generating something from my myself and getting to know myself more. So the self-actualization of sorts as well as from connection with other people, is really the theme is connection in a lot of ways. And I feel connected to myself or to others. That's happiness to me. You're right where you need to be.

Nancy: So how often do you experience that? It's something we say we want, but it's not a state we can keep.

Parker: Yeah. I think that I experienced. I guess rarely it's not a sustained state. I can picture the moments when I'm happy, but typically these moments are fleeting or I never realized that I'm happy in that moment.

It's right afterwards. I'm like, I'm happy. And then you just settle with it and you're calm.

Nancy: And so Parker reminds us that it isn't a permanent state, but it isn't something you can achieve and you have figured out how to be happy. It's something we will continually be striving for and looking for, unless you go back and look at the big picture of you as a Paris talks about and what is a good life.

And then we can take a deeper look at that, covering what John Stuart mill says, how I can help other people achieve that as well. So getting out of our own way, I hope that in this episode, you got to think about happy in a different, more nuanced way. When I talk with my family, they had common answers, what struck me the most about it was the simplicity to bring it back to Epicurus the simple pleasures.

And when I think about the answers my family had, they were relatively simple answers. And I think we have two beliefs about happy that we know are wrong, but we insist on believing or at least our Mongo convinces us. We should keep believing. One that is a permanent state of being and two, that it is something complex and out of reach as if we really have to struggle to find that.

Our Monger keeps those beliefs alive. She encourages us to keep pushing because once we achieve, she tells us we'll be happy. And then our BFF steps in to tell us we can only achieve happiness through hedonism, the typical traditional sense of hedonism, like going to hedonism to, for example, when in reality, the real happy comes in that drama free nuanced form of our biggest fan, the place that says, Hey, sweet pea. How you doing today? That's where real happiness lies. So we will continue the quest. We will continue the conversation on what is happy. And I'd love to hear from you. Let me know how you would answer that question. What is happy to you?

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Episode 145: How Embracing Your Humanness Can Lead to More Success

In today’s episode, I am talking with Tara McMullin, podcaster, small business community leader, and speaker about how bringing her humanness into her life has made some huge shifts with her business, relationships, and mental health.

Being human is messy and imperfect—and, we’re bound to make mistakes. 

It’s part of the deal.

We’re not going to get everything right, every time. 

But we learn as we go. 

That’s what being human is all about. 

For some, being human—the messiness of it—is totally anxiety-provoking. It makes things feel harder to do and accomplish. But what if embracing your humanness could actually result in more ease and more success… with a whole lot less anxiety to boot? Is it possible?

Not only is it possible, but it is also achievable through tiny, small changes we can make to our everyday lives. And all this month, I’m going to go deep into how to embrace our humanness and discuss what it means to be human.  

Today, I’m kicking off the Being Human theme with one of my business mentors, Tara McMullin. 

We talk about how for Tara bringing her humanness into her life has made some huge shifts with her business, relationships, and mental health.

Tara is a podcaster, small business community leader, and speaker. She’s been helping small business owners find what works for them for over a decade. Tara’s goal is to push past the hype so she can better facilitate candid conversations about doing business in the New Economy.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How Tara’s quest to be more human has enhanced and enriched her life

• How hearing about High Functioning Anxiety gave Tara some real ah-ha’s

• The relationship between depression and HFA

• Tara’s morning ritual that helps her with her HFA

Resources mentioned:

• explorewhatworks.com

• The What Works Podcast

• Follow Tara on Instagram

• Follow Tara on Twitter

• Coach In Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

Transcript:

Tara: But within that, I also had to be able to own that. I don't always get it right. And that sometimes there's more to learn. I can be of more value to people. I can create more connections to people when I share the stuff I don't get. Or when I share the questions that I'm wrestling with, or when I share, when something feels really hard and I had to recognize the credibility can come from that as well.

Nancy: Being human is just something we naturally are. We can do it without thinking planning or stressing. And yet it is something we fight against with everything we have. We don't want to be human because being human means being messy, being human means imperfection and being human. It means making mistakes.

But what if I told you and embracing your humanness can mean more? And more success with a whole lot less anxiety today. I'm talking with Tara McMullin about how her quest to be more human has enhanced and enriched her life. You're listening to the happier approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships.

I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith. I'm kicking off this month's theme, being human with one of my business mentors, Tara McMillan. I can't tell you how excited I am for you to hear this interview. Tara is raw and real and brings all her humanness with all of its messy imperfections. Kara is a podcaster, small business community leader.

And. She's been helping small business owners find what works for them for over a decade. Her goal is to push past the hype so you can better facilitate candid conversations about doing business in the new economy. It's rare. You're here someone so openly discussed and embrace the ongoingness of their job.

We're used to hearing the typical linear story. I struggled. I changed. I persevered. What I love about this interview is Tara's ability to share the realness of the struggle. It isn't linear, it's circular. And at times frustrating Tara's podcast is called what works. And in this conversation, she shows how she embodies that concept.

When it comes to what's working with her high functioning anxiety and her ongoing journey of being. Tara. And I talk about how hearing about high functioning anxiety gave her some real ahas, depression, and high functioning anxiety and how they can work together. How her morning ritual helps her high functioning anxiety and how bringing her humanness into her life has made some real shifts with her business relationships and mental health.

Tara. Thank you so much for taking the time to be here. I'm so excited to have you.

Tara: I am excited and a little nervous to be here. Thanks for having me.

Nancy: We're just going to dive right in. Cause that's how I like to roll. I know you identify with the term high functioning anxiety. What about the term specifically speaks to you?

Tara: I think it probably would be helpful to go back to. When I first realized that I had an issue with anxiety in the first place, because the term anxiety did not use to resonate with me. I think we've had the conversation before. Ah, obviously off podcast that I had always identified as someone who suffered from depression and sort of the ups and downs of that mental health, the challenge.

And I have ever since I was at least 12 years old, probably before that. And so because depression was always something that I owned, it was part, it was part of my identity. It was something, yeah. Almost always forefront in my mind either. Hey, I feel great. Isn't it awesome that I'm not depressed right now or I'm depressed right now.

What am I doing about that? It's just something that has always been around that. Anything other than that just didn't register and it wasn't until, yeah. Literally last summer in the car with my husband, driving from Pennsylvania to Montana, which gives you a lot of time to think and process and talk about stuff that he said tell me when the last time was that you didn't feel anxious.

And I said, what are you talking about? Feel anxious. And I pause and I took a beat and I thought, and I. And at that point, I'd learned enough about anxiety to be able to identify in that moment. Finally, there's never been a time feel anxious, however and I should also say, but, I told him, no, this is just how I feel.

This is just normal. And he said, but I don't feel like that. I know plenty of people who don't feel like that, who don't, you don't act on the way they're feeling the way that you do. That's not normal that's anxiety. And it was a huge wake up. And also I think helpful in that, that I had been out of a depressive mode out of a depressive dip for quite a while.

And so I had some space away from that challenge to really think through the rest of my mental health picture.

Nancy: But like a year out of the depressive episode or like a month out of the depressive episode

Tara: It would have been a couple of years since I had felt pretty bad.

It came back last fall. That sucked. But yeah, so it's been a, it's been up and down since then, but yeah, but it was a good time, that, yeah. I think at that point, I really started to realize was that my, what I thought of as anxiety. And the way I saw that manifesting for other people was not how it manifested for me.

And then I could identify pretty quickly that what was anxiety for me was also some of the stuff in my mental health landscape that made me really productive and efficient and look like I had it. Gather. And so then when, when we started talking more with you and really dug into high functioning anxiety, it was just very obvious that it was like, oh, this manifests in a different way to, this is clearly what I am experiencing.

So that's the very long story of how I relate to that term

Nancy: So you had not done any work quote unquote, around anxiety. It had always been from the lens of depression.

Tara: Absolutely. Yes.

Nancy: And so you were either hopped up in high functioning anxiety, this now, or that was like your status quo, the high functioning anxiety over-performing

Tara yeah, I would say status quo.

Nancy: Okay. And then you would have bouts of depression, right?

Tara: Yes. And I would say that now I can look at that and say that the depression is also colored by anxiety as well. And that. Probably one of the reasons that people are surprised to find out I suffer from pretty bad depression is that my high functioning anxiety probably keeps me pretty productive when other people would be in bed all day long.

Understandably. So yeah, so I, I think that's. I can identify my high functioning anxiety, even within a depressive period as well. And yeah, for good and for bad, I think probably.

Nancy: So was that a relief when you came to this? Aha. Or was it like a dammit?

Tara: It was a dammit. Absolutely. I think, there's a certain relief in being able to label something and identify it.

But it was also like but I'm doing so well. Why do I need to like, deal with something else now? So yeah, it was a very quickly turned into a dammit moment. Okay.

Nancy: Because I appreciate, I think that is so common for people with high functioning anxiety to have your hands. Say, I don't feel like this all the time.

It was just what really, that's such a great and also that's just great to have him saying that to you like to have that voice, but also a little bit. I remember no, when my husband says it to me, it's a little jarring to be like how can you live your life and not have this intense, Feeling all the time.

Tara: Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly how I feel about it. And I still even though I know what's happening, I find myself still ruminating on that too. Like, why am I the only one that cares about what time we get to this place or what the confirmation number is on the hotel or where we're going on vacation or like how the dishwasher is loaded or like all of this crap.

And I have to say, oh, he's not thinking about this, the way that I'm thinking about it. Yeah. And that's good for him that he's not thinking about these things. It doesn't make him low functioning. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care. It means that he's not ruminating on things the way I ruminate on things. I have to check myself.

Nancy: Yeah. Oh, totally. We just went camping this past weekend and my husband with my nieces and nephews and I'm like, okay. Making sure the food's already, even though the nieces and nephews were in charge of the meal, I'm the one that's boiling the noodles and teaching them how to cook and doing all the things.

And my husband's, drinking a beer, standing on the porch and I'm like, I get mad at him for being able to do that when I'm like, there's all this stuff that needs to get done. Why are you just chilling? And then recognizing I'm the only one that thinks all this stuff needs to get done. Everyone else is just camping.

Yes. I'm the one checking things off the list. So since learning about that, you have anxiety. What has changed for you? Has that changed anything in your work and your life and how you approach things?

Tara: I think I'm still at the point. With it, where I'm in the awareness phase. I've done a lot of kind of life change and mindset work and mental health work over the last few years.

And it seems to run in a few different phases where I hit that point of knowing of realization like, oh, this is what's going on. And then. Fairly long phase of just working to be aware of it instead of just letting it happen. And so I'm still very much in that phase of noticing when I'm ruminating, noticing when I'm getting angry at other people, for not thinking about things that I'm thinking about when.

Over functioning over-performing in order to exercise control, or try to exercise control over a situation and just being able to identify and acknowledge, okay, this is what's going on right now. Maybe I keep doing it because in that moment, it's the only thing I know how to do. But knowing, just knowing and holding that awareness that this is what's happening.

I think I am hopeful that as the uncertainty of this year, Maybe dissipates at some points that I will be able to take more constructive action around it, but I'm very much still in a place where this is new enough to me. And then this whole, this whole wild year is new for everybody that there's too many.

Inputs going on for me to be able, I think, to take more constructive action other than a lot of self care. Making sure, just for instance, like one of the things over the last few months that I've really had to work on is making sure that every single morning I am spending a lot of time regulating myself.

System making sure that I'm in a really good head space to face the day. And waking up early, spending two hours in some sort of movement practice, whether it's lifting weights or it's running or it's walking or yoga and just really Cree creating that space so that I have. I have more capacity to deal with.

Whatever's coming my way. That's been really helpful. But in terms of stopping it when it starts, I'm not sure there yet. Yeah.

Nancy: That's that is, yeah, you're doing great. Just for the record. So is that hard? Is it hard to get up in the morning and do that stuff or is it. Because you see the benefit of it's been easy or is it still a struggle every morning?

Tara: No, it's the best part of my day is the best part of my day. It, does it suck to wake up at 5:00 AM every day? May maybe, I'm not sleeping a whole lot right now. So that I don't feel like I'm losing out on sleep. I go to bed really early, i, I get seven, seven and a half hours of sleep every night.

I feel pretty good about that as a 37 year old woman. And yeah, w by the time I drink my coffee and eat my breakfast, I am ready to hit. I would love to say ready to hit the gym, but I'm ready to hit my little extra room. Wait stuff is or I'm ready to go for a really long walk or a long run.

And I love it. It is my time to check in with me to listen to a podcast and either learn something or process what I've been feeling through someone else's voice. And just get that time where no one is demanding anything of me, but me. So yeah, it's, it is absolutely. I won't say that it's all best time of the day, my day, but it is absolutely one of the best times of the day.

And I look forward to it every single morning.

Nancy: Nice. That's awesome. Because I know a lot of people struggle with taking that time, even when they know it's important and it helps and it feels so good. It's the idea of I'm not worthy of this time or. I've, but there I have so many clients say to me, I know if I get up early and I, blah, whatever that is.

It sets me up for the day, but getting myself to do that, and it's not even the getting up early, they may get up early, but they fill it with other stuff. It's that you have this devoted time to you is cool.

Tara: Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to think like why I don't feel more pressure to get in front of my inbox for instance, before, in that time.

But I think it is because. So I've been working out consistently for three and a half years now. And it has been a process of realizing just how much it does for me. In the beginning it was the exercise of discipline and. Routine and habit formation that did a lot for me it turned into like really optimizing for performance and like how much weight can I lift?

How much faster can I run? And that was really good for me. And now it really is the practice of self care. And recognizing that I can't do it. What I need to do the rest of the day if I don't carve out that time. And it really has in these last four months with COVID and everything that I need two hours, I need two solid hours, or I don't feel like I have the capacity to process what I need to process.

Throughout the day. So we really, it has become a non-negotiable for me. And as much as maybe I could convince myself that an extra half hour of work would be better or an extra hour of work would be better in the day. I know that if I. Collapsed that time that I wouldn't be any more productive.

Like I intellectually I can make that argument objectively. I can make that argument. There's nothing that extra half hour is going to buy me that the productivity and the capacity I get from the extra time to myself and in movement allows me in the rest of the day.

Nancy: Yeah. Yes. I think that whole concept, that is the whole concept of building self loyalty that I talked so much about, that you were saying, this is a non-negotiable time.

And I know even I've noticed for me, I have that. I do that a similar thing. But I was started sleeping in more and more like cutting into my time. And then my husband would get up and I'd be like mad at him for busting into my time recognizing, oh wait, I'm the one that needs to hold this time sacred by getting up earlier.

And it's the holding the time sacred, I think is the piece that's so powerful. Not because some journal told me that this is good for anxiety reduction or because I can get my workout in, but because this is just what I, this is my time. And anytime we can hold something sacred, that's a win. Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. So then the other place I want to go is, so I have been, Tara has been a mentor of mine for many years. So I have watched her from afar go through her own trends, transformation. And so I now that I have you in the hot seat, I wanted to ask you about that because as I just touched on, I think we can reduce.

Anxiety by building that self loyalty. Yeah. In watching you over the past few years, you really have embraced your humanness and taken off the I'm a professional. This is what a, an entrepreneur looks like, this is what I need to be performing. This is all my perception from afar. So tell me if I'm totally wrong about this.

And I'm just going to show up as me. And because that's where the sweet spot is. That's the stuff people want to see. And so you've really, I feel ticket a concerted effort to shut off the performance and the perfectionism, and really show up as this is Tara and I'm someone who loves to work out and I wear sweatshirts and I'm not all perfectly, done up every day and looking professional.

Makeupy. So I just was curious, is that accurate? Tell me more about that.

Tara: Yeah, so it was absolutely a concerted effort, a very intentional change that I made. And it was part of this whole process of getting clear on how I wanted to show up in the world, what mistakes I had been making that were.

And I do I don't say mistakes. Flippantly. It very, it very sincerely like things that I had done that were not helpful to me, that weren't helpful to anyone else and could have continued to do me harm and others harm had I not made a change. Yeah. I don't know if you want to get into this, but I am.

I identify very strongly as an Enneagram three. I I am very, I can see my own patterns around really caring. What other people think of me, how I present myself to the world. The visual component of it, the intellectual component of it, the leadership component of it, I very much want to be perceived as someone who has my shit together.

And someone who has not just has value in the world, but is doing something right, is really successful. And so when I think about this, I think about one of the. Big classes that I taught on creative live, which is a video learning platform where I taught for many years. And I taught a class called build a standout business. Back in 2013, I think 2014. Maybe 2015. I don't know. It was a while ago

Nancy: Wow. That's crazy. That it's been so long

Tara: . I think it was 2015. I think. I think I'm conflating some different classes I taught, but still at least five years ago. When I taught that class, like the. What I got from them was like, we're going to put all of our energy behind this.

This is you are our woman. We are so excited to have you for this class. This is going to be here. And I was like, yes. So I went out and. Spent a ton of money on the clothes that I was going to wear on this class. Because I wanted to embody the visual of what, some of what the star, small business trainer, the star, small business educator on this platform would look like.

Back at that class. And I looked great. Like these clothes were amazing. And also I don't look like me. I don't, I wasn't me. I was trying to be someone else. The last class that I taught on creative live, I literally wore a t-shirt jeans and Chuck Taylors.

And to me. It like visually represents getting more comfortable with showing up as I am owning what I have to bring to the literal stage in that case or in the metaphorical stage in life. And I can't say that I do that fully because I still have a lot of issues around self-worth and like the perception of success and all of that stuff.

Yeah. I used to use those things. As I used to conflate the perception of success with credibility. And I had to really get clear on my credibility, not coming from any particular milestone that I hit or any particular dress that I wore, how much I spent on that dress or how much money I made or how many clients I had or whatever my credibility had to come from.

Me my knowledge, my experience, my ability to work through a problem, even without, experience and any knowledge. And I had to be able to own that. But within that, I also had to be able to own that. I don't always get it right. And that sometimes there's more to learn. I can be of more value to people.

I can create more connections to people when I share the stuff I don't get. Or when I share the questions that I'm wrestling with, or when I share, when something feels really hard. And I had to recognize the credibility can come from that as well. And that I could do more good. I could actually.

I could actually be the thing I've always wanted to be. If I was willing to take off the fancy dress and put on the Chuck Taylors and own that, whether it's, in a blog post or a podcast episode, or a post that I make on Instagram or a conversation that I have with someone for a podcast. Yes, I appreciate you noticing that and it's, and it has been a very intentional slow.

Deep process of kind of unlearning how I learned to show up in the world over decades and finding a way to tap into what is true for me and owning the ups and the downs of that as a way to connect with people and as a way to better connect with myself, I think as well.

Nancy: Yeah, absolutely. Yes. That was so well said.

And being the person that's on the, who has followed you all those years and seeing that transition, as I said from afar is fascinating because I I think it was right after that. I unsubscribed from you right after the 2015 thing followed you for years, since I started my business and I started to know seven, I don't know when you came on.

In that process but then once you started being more Tara, I came back, and I think, and I say that not to be like, just to be like, yeah, it's fine. You know what, and all the people that I followed when I was following you back in the very beginning, I have unfollowed if they're still around, because I, their message hasn't changed or whatever, a thousand different reasons, but I can relate to your desire to be human and to lead from that.

Tara: It's funny you say to lead from that place too, because I think for. In that process. I thought I needed to step out of leadership to be human, to own my mistakes, to be vulnerable. And so I diminished myself. A lot in that process. So was it a learning process? Was it a growing process? Was it a process that brought people back that brought in new art?

Yes, absolutely. And I S even in that process, I still assumed I am that I was diminishing myself and that I needed to diminish myself in order to be able to pull this off. And now literally right now I am reckoning. What does it look like to keep all of that intact, but the step back up on a stage, what does it look like to be vulnerable, to share mistakes, to say I don't have it all figured out, but to say in all of that, I have something to say, I can help you let's do this together.

And I will lead you. That's a really, I don't know what that looks like yet, but that's what I'm reckoning with right now. And it's an interest. It's a really interesting problem for me to tackle in my, in this like next step of the journey for me.

Nancy: Yeah, I could totally see that.

And that's something that I reckon that I also reckon with because the number one feedback I get from my clients is, oh, it's so awesome because you're fighting this fight too. And I'm, so I want to work with you on that. And then I'm always like, and that, that is such a human response. Yeah.

I want someone who's, that's one reason I'm attracted to you. I want someone who's wrestling with the same stuff. I'm wrestling it at a higher level, I you, because you immerse yourself more in leadership and you talk with different people than I talk with, so yeah. You do know different things than I know, but you're also wrestling with the same stuff I'm wrestling with, which I, and I want that person as a mentor.

Yeah. Wrestling on a higher level, but it is uncomfortable as the leader person, as the me to be, to remind myself. Yeah, I do know more. I am higher level than my clients because I have immersed myself in this and because not, as I frequently will say to my husband, not everyone is obsessed with high-functioning anxiety and that just blows my mind, because it is where I spend all my time.

And just to remember that even that is giving something to my clients. Yes. That could leadership, but man, that voice of that idea of what we need to be a leader isn't it, is all around. Cause I think it is easier to put on the fancy clothes and go out there then to be completely one with.

The authenticity of this is me and all my vulnerability and all my, I don't have it all together. And I'm still here.

Tara: Yeah. Yeah. And especially in the space that I operate in, like here I am. T-shirt jeans, sweatshirts, hoodies, hair tied back in a ponytail kind of Instagram person next to the fancy ladies on Instagram.

Right next to the people in high heels and gorgeous dresses and perfect waves and amazing eye makeup and eyelashes. Yeah. It is very easy to discount showing up as I am. And that being enough,

Nancy: yeah. Because it being human isn't valued by the larger society. Showing up as human is not valued and.

But I think there are by the larger society, like I said, but I think it is a huge value. And I think it's an important value for the, if you have that value, it is important to be sharing it with the world because that's back to the self loyalty of that's going to show up. Yeah. What. When you say I'm going to I'm backing up here.

When you said you made a mistakes that were harmful. Do you have an example? Like not a super-intense one, but I was just curious, like you made a mistakes that were harmful by doing this separating out who you were having the performance person from, who you are.

Tara: Yeah. I think that the, one of the biggest quote, unquote, mistakes that I can just think about is, I used to have a business coaching program called quiet power strategy, which is great program.

I completely stand by it. I stand by the way. Th the vision for it. And one of the things, one of the mistakes that I made was getting. Allowing myself and even joyfully moving in the direction of being the one with the answers. And so the purpose, the vision for the program was giving people tools to coach themselves on their own business to work through what does it mean to have a brand?

What does it mean to put together a business model? What does this look like for me? How am I going to approach this? And really the whole thought process of how. Wrestle with those questions and problems as business owners. And then to do that also in a peer support environment, in small groups where you could work with other people on those things, but where the program evolved was people wanted a piece of me.

They wanted me to answer questions, me, to tell them what to do, and there's something. That's that can be really intoxicating, right? People wanting your opinion and what, your answer. And you're the expert. Tara, tell me what to do. And I will fully admit to being drunk on that a few years ago.

And at the same time, very frustrated by it and being like, how did I get here? This wasn't what I meant to build. But it took it took a process of wrestling with that. So that's one of the mistakes, because. It did impact. It impacted my business. It impacted my life. It impacted my self identity.

And I think it impacted people too. It impacted other people. And maybe saying that it did harm is going a little too far, but I look back on that and think. What harm could I have done? What did I do in that process that I didn't catch it sooner that I didn't, that I didn't change tack sooner that I didn't set expectations more clearly.

And so I have a lot of that's still something that often keeps me not, maybe not keeps me up at night, but something that I think about quite a bit. And so a lot of where I've gone over the last few years is moving away from that. And. Maybe even too far in one direction. But that's one of the mistakes that comes to mind.

Nancy: Okay. Thank you for sharing. Cause I just wanted people to be able to hear, the downside of this in a specific way. And I do think that's how we make change that, you recognize, oh my gosh, this I'm too intoxicated. On this expert thing. So I'm going to completely go into, I'm not an expert, I'm just one of you.

And then we regroup into the center, which sounds like what you're wrestling with now is what do I do? Yeah. And I think that is especially intoxicating to someone with high functioning anxiety to be the expert, because then I don't, I, my worth is answered every time I answer a question, I get up, I get a little ping of I'm worthy.

I'm worthy, which is such a win. So it's this dangerous combination. Of being an enneagram three, having the high functioning anxiety, not that you don't want me to be psychoanalyzing you on the podcast,

Tara: but having daddy issues. Yeah. Yeah it’s all there (laughter)

Nancy: I'll send you a bill when we're done. Okay. (laughter)

So how, what is changed since making, what are the benefits or what have you, in the negatives that have changed? You have noticed since making this shift to being more, bringing more Tara to the scene?

Tara: I think one of the biggest benefits is more genuinely connecting with people.

One of the things that used to frustrate me immensely was that I would. Very honestly and authentic authentically, even with such authority or share from such authority or teach from such authority that I'd get nothing back. People just be like, yeah. Yeah. Let me just tell me more, which was great.

Lots of note taking lots of nodding. Lots of whoa. Ah, Tara. That's good. But not any dialogue. And like I'm an academic at heart. I would, I crave that experience of being in the classroom and having these conversations about ideas and concepts and exploring things from different angles and seeing how things resonate with different people.

And I didn't have that. Then and now showing up in a much more human way, having a lot more openness around what I share, even when I am speaking very much from a position of leadership, I get that dialogue. I get the people. Sharing back with me, I get the connection there and the relationship building there.

And that's intoxicating in its own way. And then I think in a much more positive way. So that's one of the, that's one of the huge benefits. I think also I start to see. Sort of the teachable opportunities in a different way. I don't have to have figured something out in order to share it. I am way more free to share when I'm in process with something, what I'm struggling with, something when I've noticed something.

And I don't know what it means yet, but I think, maybe other people have had this experience too, and I want to draw people into that conversation. And so that's created a lot. Yeah. Creative freedom for me. And I think just on a much higher level as well. I don't beat that true. And it's also not true.

I want it to be true. I don't beat myself up for quote unquote failure as much, right? Like I'm more accepting of when something doesn't go the way I thought it was going to go or when something breaks and it needs to be fixed. I still struggle with it a lot, but it doesn't. Quite send me into a spiral of.

Negative self-worth or like just negating any value that I bring into the world. It doesn't change my identity as much as it used to. Because I see the value in the stumbles too. I still have a lot of work to do on that particular piece of it, but I can see how. I can see moving in the right direction with that one.

Nancy: Because I know there was a glitch that happened recently with on the, you did a forum around money and the first session had a glitch with the person being able to join. And it, it was good to you guys handled it amazingly well, and it all went to curious, but I'm curious on your, behind the scenes, in your brain.

As that glitch was happening and it took us 15 minutes or so to get re combobulated, what was that like for you?

Tara: Oh my God. It was terrible. So yeah, technology problems. Our, one of my big triggers. If there is a technology problem, I will spiral out of control really quickly. What you may not know is that we have the tech problem in that session.

And then in the next session that I was hosting the speaker did not show up.

Yes, we had a time zone issue and we had communicated that at least Eastern time she had put it in her calendar on central time is fine. We worked it out, but that one, two punch just about ruined my day.

And. I think it was, it's a huge win for me, even to be able to say that I got anywhere back on track by the end of that day. But it did take me, it took me until the final session until I felt like, all right, we're here, it's fine. And I could see, people were loving it, no one cared and it wasn't a big deal, but yeah, no technology problems just send me down a complete spiral.

Like I spiral is the best word that I have for that, because. It just, it goes out of control and I go round and around and around and around until it either gets fixed or, we reschedule or whatever it might be, whatever the next step is. And it will take me hours and hours to shake that field.

Nancy: Because that was interesting to observe because I just knowing you, I knew you were spinning out on it, but also being a participant was just like no big deal, like it wasn't, you guys handled it. You moved us all to the next place. Like it, it seems. Stressful for you, but relatively like whatever on my end.

And so I always find those fascinating when I knew in your brain, that was, it was not a whatever experience,

Tara: Not it wasn’t. (laughter) And maybe thanks to high functioning anxiety, I think really fast on my feet. I just always think really fast. So we did not have a specified plan B I think in the future, we will have a specified plan B, but It was very easy for me to know what to do next, but yeah, no, that was rough.

Nancy: But I think too, that idea of when I can recognize I'm going to be human and I'm going to wrap us up here when I can recognize that I'm being human. Like you were in that. That's what was so wonderful about that session was the humanness about it. You were human about it. And Shannon you're the technical runner person was human about it and Jacare the speaker was human about it.

And then everyone was like, now, here we go. Like we messed up. Here we go. And I think when we can have that idea of I'm being human, we can recognize where we messed up. We can make necessary things and then we can move forward. Next time. Now we're going to have a bucket. Now we're going to have a plan B all the time.

Cause we're not doing this again. And so being able to recognize that, I think is the power in being human versus getting so caught up in the performance? Yeah. Yeah, totally. Not saying it's easy or, but I think it is it is a worthy goal and I really appreciate you coming on and.

And sharing some concrete examples of how this has shown up for you and the struggle it continues to be, but the victories you are having because of it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Tara: It's been quite a journey and it's the journey continues and who knows what will happen next year in 2020 that could bring it be another step on the journey.

I appreciate the chance to talk about it.

Nancy: Has it been helpful to talk about, I'm just curious, and this may not make it on the podcast. Has it been helpful to talk about it in this vein, in this lens? Or you think about it like this all the time? This wasn't a new lens?

Tara: That's a good question. I think just because I think we have been working with you long enough now I have started to think about it through this lens on a regular basis.

Yeah, these are actually like the conversation around the dresses that I bought for that one creative live class versus wearing jeans. And then my last creative live class was a conversation that Sean and I had a couple of nights ago. So yeah. And honestly, I think probably even more than me thinking about it through this lens, he's thinking about it through this lens and then grilling me.

So it's really just like I'm talking to him right now.

Nancy: It was classic. I said to him the other night, my husband and I were talking about something in my mom and I, my mom, I have a habit of putting my monger on. So it's coming from him and and he turned to me and he goes, this is your monger. I'm not talking with you about this.

And he just turned on the TV and totally shut me down. And I was a little bit like what's that? I was like, he's right. Why are we headed down this path? And then I'm like, oh my God, I have trained him to. He knows my stuff too. Now he's calling me out on it.

Tara: Yeah. Because I feel like I'm starting to suffer from that problem too.

Nancy: Okay, Tara, thank you for your time and your honesty and your sharing, your journey and being the marketer. Absolutely. Thank you. Tell people where they could find out more information about what it is you're doing. Yeah,

Tara: so I'm the easiest place to find me is@explorewhatworks.com. You can find the, what works podcast there and you can find our community there and all the things that we're doing our newsletter.

And then if you're interested in podcasting yellow house.media is the website for our podcast production agent.

Nancy: And if you don't already know yellow house media is who does my podcast as well. So that is how I've gotten to experience more joy with Tara and Sean. Yeah. Okay. Thanks Tara. Being human is an ongoing journey and surrounding ourselves with people who are also struggling to show up more fully, despite their monger telling them they need to fit in is key.

It's so helpful to hear Tara story and to recognize we aren't alone. Business leaders, mentors, parents, friends are all struggling with mongers. And self-doubt, I recently heard a quote that said, never assume you're the only one in the room who has self doubt. That is what I kept hearing during this interview.

We are all struggling with self doubt. Even if we have mastered a calm, cool exterior, and we can all make changes, small, tiny ways to check in with ourselves and make sure we are listening to our own wisdom before heading out into the world to see what we should be.

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Episode 140: Why I Am Leaving Facebook & Instagram

In today’s episode, I talk about my recent debate on the positives and negatives of social media, and why I am signing off my social media accounts.

Hanging with a friend in the backyard.

Cooking dinner. 

Relaxing with my husband. 

Driving to pick up food and sitting at the traffic light.

During a conference call with a colleague. 

Countless times throughout the day when I’m feeling uninspired, vigilant, or bored. 

These are just a few of the times social media has infiltrated my life in the past few days. 

Social media continually takes me away from the experiences and relationships I really value—over and over again. 

The thing about social media is that it's supposed to make you feel more connected to people you care about... but ends up taking you away from the moments you spend with them.

That’s why I’m leaving social media. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• The thought process that went behind leaving social media for good

• 3 main reasons why I wanted to stay on social media (and what I realized)

• The 2 rules I used to be more intentional and thoughtful about my decision to leave

Resources mentioned:

• Coach In Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy: Hanging with a friend in the backyard, cooking dinner, relaxing with my husband, driving to pick up food and sitting at a traffic light during a conference call with a colleague countless times throughout the day, when feeling uninspired, vigilant or bored. These are just a few of the times. Social media has infiltrated my life in the past few days.

Social media continually takes me away from the experiences and relations. I really value over and over again. You're listening to the happier approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. And I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.

The thing about social media is that it's supposed to make you feel more connected to people you care about, but it ends up taking you away from the moments you spend with them. And that's why I've always had a love, hate relationship with social media. Specifically with Instagram and Facebook. My relationship has always been codependent and on.

I've tried to limit my use. I've tried to set safeguards around it. I tried to use hashtag safe, social as Bailey Parnell talks about with me in episode 129. And yet here I am, again, feeling overwhelmed and controlled by social media. But this time I'm making a change this time. I'm leaving social media.

As of July 1st, I have left social media rather than just disappearing though. I wanted to share my decision making process in case maybe you too have a love, hate relationship with social media. Yes, social media has become the way I stay connected with friends and family across the country. Keep up with businesses.

I love reading articles and getting news. I watched the Facebook ads on TV and I feel giddy inside because the mission of connecting with loved ones is so warm and fuzzy, but there's a dark underbelly that has just become too much for me to support any more. First a little background in early May when I started contemplating leaving, I decided I wanted to do a little pre-work my tendency being the black and white thinker that I am is to make the decision to leave and then poof shut everything down the next day.

But I wanted to be more intentional, more thoughtful. I had two rules pay attention and question everything. As I was observing and debating, I kept running up against three main reasons that I should stay. So I wanted to break those down for you with my thoughts, the first one. I'll miss out on too much stuff.

I've lived here for many years believing I just can't leave. How will I stay in contact with people? Keeping with my two rules of pay attention and question everything. I started noticing who I was keeping in contact with and who I wanted to stay in contact with. One of my favorite parts about Facebook is seeing my old high school classmates and keeping up with their families.

I will definitely miss that. But I noticed how social media feeds the idea of doing something when you aren't really doing something. For example, social media makes you feel like you're connecting with people, but you really aren't. Liking my high school friends son's graduation picture gives me a momentary hit of closeness.

But in reality, I don't even know her son's name and a big reason I liked the post is because I didn't want her to think that I didn't like the post. Yeah. That sounds harsh. But as I started paying attention to how I interacted with social media, it made me so full of myself, the idea that I needed to like something, because what would they think or that I needed to share my new haircut because of course, I mean the whole world wants to see my hair.

As I started noticing my tendency to do performative posting. I started questioning why I was posting and if I could reach out to an actual person rather than write some generic social media post, I started reaching out more off of social media, calling my aunt or texting with my cousin. I actually reached out to one of my high school besties via text, and we've been going back and forth ever since.

Building actual connections off of social media has enriched my life just in the past month. Also realizing I don't need my life to be publicized. I don't need to get likes and comments to feel seen, heard, or celebrated. I want to be celebrated, seen and heard by those. I see in my life, not my hundreds of followers, but those in my inner circle.

And starting to build relationships off of social media. I might miss the occasional birth or wedding announcement. And then I think about life before social media, we missed those announcements and we survived. There's something I noticed throughout this past month as I was debating to leave or not, I am steeped in Facebook, propaganda.

Similar to how my eyes keep getting opened around systemic racism and white privilege. My eyes keep getting opened about how we have this tool that everyone uses run by people with questionable ethics. That makes us feel like we're doing something. When we aren't social media takes me out of my present moment, life away from those I love the most. And for the most part leaves me feeling like shit yet the social media machine convinces us that we need it to keep in touch with others. So in response to the reason I will miss out on too much stuff, I'm committed to building a support group off of social media to go deeper with actual real life relationships and not just throw something up on social media for a pseudo sense of connection.

Reason. Number two, it's a necessary evil. I mean, what about your business? So definitely I need to address the business piece. I do run an online business and for the past 10 years, I've been very diligent about posting to Facebook and Instagram. I rarely pay for ads, but it has happened here and there.

And yet very few of my clients come from social media. This was another shocker considering I had swallowed the lie that I needed, social media to run a business. I might get 20 likes on a post, but you take out my mom, my best friend, my husband, nieces, and nephews. I probably have five people I don't know, personally engaging.

I don't think I've gotten one paying client from social media. And even if my business was huge on social media, I would still be trying to move my business off the space. It might take longer, it might be harder, but I feel strongly enough about this exodus, that my business is not a reason enough to stay

I've also found that too often. I use social media as a way to check the box as if I'm moving my business forward. When it really isn't. For example, a couple of weeks ago, I wrote a podcast called I got this. The scenario in that podcast would have been a simple social media post. I would have thrown it up on social media right after it happened and never done anything more with it.

But instead I took the story and looked at it from a deeper angle and boom, it was a whole podcast episode since making this decision to let go of social media, I have been more engaged and more excited about my business. So in response to the reason it is a necessary evil, what about your business? I'm committed to finding new ways to reach people, building deeper, more meaningful content and brainstorming, building a support group off of social media.

And number three, you can make more change by being on it rather than being off of it. You have to join the system to break. And then the argument that held me up for awhile, you have to be part of the system to change it. I kept getting stuck here, nodding my head in agreement and saying yes. And then I came to this conclusion.

I work with clients who have high functioning anxiety, high functioning anxiety is all about hustling, performing for approval, comparison, being vigilant and staying alert. And these are all the things that social media encourages us. Social media. It's not helpful for people with high-functioning anxiety.

In fact, there is little redeeming about it. So me showing up on social media feels a little bit like me going to a brewery every night and having a couple of drinks while telling people that alcohol is bad. Yes. I hear the argument. That is where the people who need me are, but at the same time, at some point I have to practice what I preach.

I have to practice self loyalty. I have to be honest with myself, social media. It's not healthy for me. I don't believe it's healthy for my clients either. And I also believe they can make that decision for themselves. I believe I can make more changes and help the greater good by stepping off of social media.

So in response to the reason you have to join the system to break it, I'm committed to sharing more about my story with social media and why I'm breaking up with it. I'm also committed to learning more about social media and anxiety and learning ways to decrease anxiety when it comes to social media use.

Overall, I have found social media. It's a bit of a charlatan. It makes me feel like I'm connected to people when I'm really, I'm not, it makes me feel like I'm contributing to the world in an impactful way when I'm really not. It makes me feel like I'm hip and happening and in touch with the larger world.

And when in reality, I'm hearing one small echo chamber. So that is my well thought out, why I'm leaving social media podcast episode. My goal is not to convince you to leave social media, but rather to convince you to bring some intentionality to your social media use, to encourage you to practice the two rules, pay attention and question.

---

Episode 133: The Value of Self-Loyalty

In today’s episode, I talk about how to get off that hamster wheel of stress and build more self-loyalty in your life.

Devoted, constant, and committed – all my clients would list loyalty as one of their highest values—

loyalty to their mothers, fathers, spouses, kids, friends, work, and the world in general.

They are the listeners, supporters, lovers, givers, cheerleaders, and fans. They are the caregivers for their aging parents. They are the backbone of their families, relationships, and workplaces.

The dark side of this loyalty to others is the exhaustion, the never-ending to-do list, the never feeling good enough, whole enough, satisfied enough. 

The anxiety.

All this month, we are exploring the unique values of someone with High Functioning Anxiety and how they silently struggle with these values. 

Last week we talked with Brittany Berger about anxiety and productivity. This week I am talking about how those of us with HFA value loyalty.  

Here is the irony: some of the kindest, gentlest, giving people in the world never quite feel kind, gentle, or giving enough.

Want to know why?

They are so busy devoting themselves to make sure their family and friends are heard, supported, and cared for they bypass themselves.

They have been trained to care for everyone else but themselves. 

This is something I have struggled with personally. I love caring for people. I pride myself on my loyalty, I love being there for those closest to me, and I know it has come at a price—a price of exhaustion and stress. 

Today I want to talk about how to get off that hamster wheel of stress.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• When we don't have loyalty to ourselves we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for direction.

• How the Monger lies to us by saying “take care of everyone else and then you will have peace.”

• How we can stretch our loyalty to include ourselves and not just others.

Resources mentioned:

• Coach In Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

A pair of Zen monks, a master, and his student went out on a journey to visit another convent. As monks do, they walked much and spoke little. On the third day of their journey, the two came to a fast-flowing river and saw that there was a young woman standing there in a beautiful dress. She stood there looking very cross and impatient.

The student noticed the woman said nothing and walked. "Please," she begged the Master, who was clearly the one in charge. "Would you carry me across this river? I'm on my way to my loved one, and I don't want to ruin this dress. It's the best one I have." The student was shocked at her audacity, after all, his Master was a holy man, and her touch would be unclean, but before he could say anything and to his surprise, his Master agreed to carry the woman.

The Master quickly picked her up, put her on his back, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other side. She didn't thank the old monk, she just shoved him out of the way. And the two monks continued to walk in silence day after day until finally, on the third day, the student could no longer hold his tongue master.

He said, "Why did you carry that woman across the river?" His Master looked at him with a slight smile and said, "You have learned much, but you still lack some wisdom. My student, that woman weighed on my back for three minutes and then I was done. But she has been weighing on your mind for three days."

You're listening to the Happier Approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.

Usually, the lesson of the story is you need to put it down, stop worrying, let it go. Mind your business.

We walk away from the story thinking, yes, I should let it go. This is one of those stories we hear all the time that makes us think and pause and beat ourselves up because we know we are the student monk. We tell ourselves we need to do a differently, stop ruminating and let things go. Oh, yes. If only it were that easy.

When I hear this story, I'm curious about the older monk, why did he choose to pick up the woman and why was he able to let her anger and unappreciation go so easily. Why was he able to let it go? This month, we're exploring the unique values as someone with high functioning anxiety. Last week, we talked with Brittany Berger about the value of productivity.

And this week I'm talking about the value of loyalty. Loyalty means devoted, constant, and committed. Almost all of my clients put loyalty as a value. Loyal to a fault, one could say loyalty to their mothers, fathers, spouses, kids, friends, work, and the world. They are the caregivers for their aging parents.

They're the listener supporters, lovers, givers, cheerleaders fans, head down, get the job done, workers. They are the backbone of their families, relationships, and workplace. They ooze loyalty to everyone around them. They're strong, quiet kind. Get the job done. Individuals. The dark side of this loyalty, the shadow side of this devotion to others, is the exhaustion.

The never-ending to-do list, the never feeling good, whole enough, satisfied enough. The anxiety there, and the Monger runs the show. She is loud and proud, telling them all the ways they miss the target. All the ways they should have been more loyal, more kind, more giving it is ironic. Here's some of the kindest gentlest giving people in the world, and yet they never quite feel kind enough gentle enough or giving enough, want to know why?

Loyalty to self. They're so busy devoting themselves to make sure their family and friends are heard, supported, and cared for they bypass themselves. They've been trained to care for everyone else, but themselves. And when they reach their forties and fifties and their kids are older and need less care and their parents are older and need more care. They see that there is no break. There is no time for me coming down the line.

There has to be a different way because they take care of everyone else, Kool-Aid it isn't working anymore. This is something I have struggled with personally. I love caring for people. I pride myself on my loyalty.

I love being there for those closest to me. And I know it has come at a price, a price of exhaustion and stress, a constant feeling like I'm on a hamster wheel, just one rotation away from people. When we don't have loyalty to ourselves, we're constantly looking outside of ourselves for direction. We check in with everyone else to the detriment of ourselves.

We listen to the Monger, lie of, take care of everyone else, and then you'll have peace. So going back to the story of the monks who is more loyal, the Master or the student on one hand, you can say the young monk, he's more loyal. He's loyal to his oath, recognizing to touch a woman goes against his oath.

He's loyal to his teacher, loyal to a fault. One might say, he's so loyal he's fighting the fight for his Master. He's spinning out and full of negativity out of a sense of right and wrong, but also a sense of loyalty. It has been established that the student is overstepping, but it is not only because he is a silly, negative, busy body.

It is because his loyalty is out of bounds. He has too much loyalty to others. Now let's answer the question of who's more loyal and say, it's the older monk. The older monk is loyal to the woman. He risks his vows to help her. And she is super unappreciative. He's loyal to others and gets nothing for it.

But you know what he does have loyalty to? Himself. And that is why he doesn't get caught up in the spinning and negativity. He trusts that he wanted to help the woman no matter what, not because it was the right thing to do. Not because she would fall all over him with adoration, but because he saw a person who needed help and he decided to help her, he was loyal to his values and principles.

So he didn't need the adoration and appreciation from the lady. He could let it go because he was making the decision from his own inner loyalty. The tagline for my business is to be as loyal to yourself as you are to others because building self-loyalty decreases anxiety. When I trust my values and principles and make decisions from that place, the self-doubt rumination and hustling step aside because I'm loyal to myself.

We spend so much of our time being the student, looking to others for answers, the vows say we can't touch women, living in black and white thinking, when helped people should be appreciative. We forget to practice the gift of the older monk discernment to check in with ourselves and ask, what do I want here?

What is most important to me? What was most important to the older monk was helping a woman in distress. Period. So it didn't matter what her response was or that he was going against his will. He could respond to this particular situation and make a decision for himself.

In working with my clients via Voxer, they check in with me a couple of times a week via the app. Frequently they're calling to talk about their anxiety, and inevitably they will ask, is this okay? Am I doing it right? What do you think I should be doing? My role is to discern when they need to hear. Yes, that is right. And when they need to hear well, what do you think? What is your self loyalty meter saying? For some of my clients, this is the first time they've ever asked themselves, what do I think? They've spent their time always looking outside of themselves because of all those people they're loyal to they know so much better.

So, yes, we need to stop ruminating, spinning out obsessing and over-performing, but underneath all that anxiety is a need for self loyalty and need to turn that strong value of loyalty back to ourselves.

The good thing is we know how to be loyal. We're great at being loyal. Now it's about stretching that loyalty to include ourselves and not just others.

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Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have a special place in my heart for this struggle because it’s both something I dealt with unknowingly for years, and because it silently affects so many people who think this is just how it is.

Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.

I have been doing this work for over 20 years and Coach in Your Pocket is the most effective and most life-changing work I have ever done. My clients are consistently blown away by how these daily check-ins combined with the monthly face-to-face video meetings create slow, lasting changes that reprogram their High Functioning Anxiety tendencies over time.

Over the course of the three-month program, we meet once a month for a face-to-face session via a secure video chat, and then throughout the entire three months, you have access to me anytime you are feeling anxious, having a Monger attack, celebrating a win, or just need to check-in, and I will respond to you during my office hours (Monday through Friday, 9 am - 6 pm EST).

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Episode 121: The 3 Steps of A.S.K.: Kindly Pulling Back

In today’s episode, we continue our discussion of A.S.K. with the third step of the system: Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture

No matter how hard we try to keep up the veneer of perfection, every now and then we make a mistake. 

Mistakes happen and when they do, we can be absolutely horrible to ourselves–telling ourselves things like: I'm such a failure, I deserve to be fired, I am a terrible parent. 

Sometimes we can even rationalize our way back to knowing that it was a small mistake that truly doesn't matter in the long run. 

But then there are the times when we really mess up. When we legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters. We go against our values, we drop the ball, we let down our spouse. 

What happens when we really mess up and can't just rationalize our way out of it? When our inner voice isn't making a mountain out of a molehill? When our inner voice is taking an actual mountain and adding a shame blizzard of epic proportions?

How do we ever get past this? What's next? 

This episode is about the big mistakes. It's about the concrete steps you can take to move through those situations. Calm your anxiety and feel better. 

Today, we're finishing up this three-part series on the A.S.K. method for dealing with your High Functioning Anxiety by examining the third step: kindly pull back and see the big picture. I talk about those real mess-ups, the missed deadlines, the times we scream at our kids or embarrass our husband in front of his boss. The times we really mess up.

Can kindness really pull us out of that? 

Yes, it can. 

If you haven’t already, take the time to go back and listen to the first two episodes in this series: Acknowledging Your Feelings and Slow Down and Get Into Your Body.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• What to do when we legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters

• How no amount of beating yourself up, shaming yourself, or telling yourself how much you suck is going to make those mistakes any better

• How kindly pulling back to see the big picture allows you to call in the voice of the Biggest Fan and hear from that kind voice of internal wisdom

• How to lean on the 3 traits of the Biggest Fan – Kindness, Forgiveness, and Curiosity

Some of the research and resources mentioned:

• The Feelings List PDF

• Episode 110: The Voices In Your Head – The Monger

• Episode 111: The Voices In Your Head – The BFF

• Episode 112: The Voices In Your Head – The Biggest Fan

+ Read the Transcript

Every now and then, we make a mistake.

Yes, no matter how hard we try to keep up the veneer of perfection, mistakes happen.

And when they do, we can be absolutely horrible to ourselves.

“I’m such a failure.”

“I deserve to be fired.”

“I’m a terrible parent.”

Sometimes, we catch ourselves. We realize that we’re overreacting. We can even rationalize our way back to knowing that it was a small mistake that truly doesn’t matter in the long run.

And then there are times when we really mess up. We legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters.

We go against our values, we drop the ball, we let down our spouse.

Our inner voice isn’t making a mountain out of a molehill.

Our inner voice is taking an actual mountain and adding a shame blizzard of epic proportions.

What next? How do you ever get past that?

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

This episode isn’t about the small mistakes and the way we talk to ourselves in those situations.

This episode is about the big mistakes. It’s about the concrete steps you can take to move through those situations, calm your anxiety, and feel better.

Let’s get back to your inner voice. I call the inner voice that likes to remind you how horrible you are and what a big failure you’ve become, the Monger.

Frequently when I talk about the Monger, I use an example of something that doesn’t REALLY matter but does matter to our Monger. Something like forgetting someone’s birthday or calling someone by the wrong name. But what happens when we REALLY mess up when we can’t just rationalize our way out of it.

Today, we’re finishing up this 3-part series on the A.S.K. Method for dealing with your high-functioning anxiety by examining the 3rd step: Kindly pull back and see the big picture.

I want to talk about those real mess-ups, the missed deadlines, the times we scream at our kids or embarrass our husband in front of his boss. The times we REALLY mess up. Can kindness really pull us out of that? You might be surprised to hear me say yes. Yes, it can.

In December, we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds the Monger (inner critic), the BFF (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) when we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan. All this month, we will be talking about HOW to do that. We will be diving deeper into my 3 step A.S.K. system for calling in the Biggest Fan.

In the past 2 episodes, I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the first step A. Acknowledge your Feelings and the second step S. Slow Down and get into your body.

, if you missed it, please go back and give it a listen. This week we are talking about the third step – K-Kindly pull back and see the big picture.

When we are performing from a place of anxiety, or when our Monger is beating us up for doing it wrong, our world view shrinks down to tunnel vision. It is almost as if someone puts blinders on us, and we have tunnel vision. When we are operating from that tunnel vision, we look externally for answers, we tell ourselves if we accomplish more or do it better, we will feel better. So here is a common example of this phenomenon:

You are behind at work. Your team missed a deadline, and the next deadline is looming ahead. Your Monger keeps reminding you that you are going to get fired, and your boss thinks you are slow. So you decide you need to become a better manager. You spend time researching a bunch of podcasts that you think will help, and on your way home from work, you call your best friend and your sister to vent your frustration and see if they have any help. They detail their systems and offer more resources for you to get more done. Sounds helpful, right? Obviously, you NEED a better time management system and tips on being a better manager. And it does help for a moment. By the time you get home, your Monger is quieter, and you go through the evening tasks with plans to dive into these resources before bed. And then it hits you, wait a minute. I don’t have time to read or listen to all these resources, I have stuff I have to do and deadlines to meet, and your Monger goes crazy, slamming you yet again for piling on and heading down the wrong path. At this point, you have a choice, you can call another friend and get more input (which I have certainly done), or you can slow down and check-in with yourself to figure out how best to solve this problem (aka call in your biggest fan)

I hear this example all the time; Hell, I have lived this example numerous times. Because people with HFA learned early on, we can’t be trusted. We have to find the answer outside of ourselves, we are losers, and everyone else knows better than us. That is why A.S.K. is so powerful. The process of A.S.K. reconnects us with ourselves. It forces us to acknowledge what is going on internally. To allow our feelings, get out of our heads and see a bigger picture where our Monger isn’t running the show our Biggest Fan is.

One of the keys to decreasing HFA is building loyalty with yourself, trusting yourself, and connecting with yourself rather than always looking outside of yourself for the “better” answer. A.S.K. is the jumping-off point to build that self-loyalty.

This is where the first 2 steps come in Acknowledge what you are feeling and Slow Down and get into your body are both designed for you to look internally and honor what is going on in your own body and mind. And then the last step, Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture, allows you to call in the voice of the Biggest Fan and hear from that kind voice of internal wisdom.

This last step is where the Biggest Fan shows her kindness and wisdom. So what does this look like, you might be wondering? Here are some signs:

1. Our Biggest Fan doesn’t use shame and belittling when looking at options. There is no “should” or “other people do it” in her vocabulary.

2. She always has our best interests at heart. She is kind, not judgmental, and she doesn’t lead us down a path that will hurt us eventually (like our BFF might).

In episode 112, I talk more about the Biggest Fan and what I mean when I talk about her.

So what does it mean to Kindly pull back and see the big picture?

I like to think of it as seeing in color, Our Monger forces us to look at the world in black and white, where there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. This is why we are so attracted to the idea of finding the right way. Yes, our Monger has consistently told us the lie that there is a right way. And when we get too overwhelmed with beating ourselves up, we ping pong over to the voice of the BFF, who gives us a much-needed rest but also throws in a bit of self-sabotage. So when your Monger tells you, of course, you are going to get fired for missing all these deadlines, your BFF jumps in with a screw it, let’s just take a long lunch. And so you take a long lunch with a co-worker, spending much of the lunch talking smack about one of your employees and blaming her for all the delays and missed deadline. By the time you get back from lunch, you are further behind, feeling like a bad manager for talking smack and hammered even harder from your Monger.

Neither of these voices have your best interest at heart. Your Monger is looking externally at what needs to be done, and your BFF always looking to give you a break and, in that spirit, also a little sabotage. Both your Monger and BFF live in black and white. Luckily, our Biggest Fan sees the other colors and lives in the middle world where happier, stress-free options are available.

So let’s look at the 3 traits of the Biggest Fan

The first trait is Kindness:

Now I know this sounds obvious because the step is Kindly pull back to see the big picture. But this kindness piece is the key. Talking with kindness to yourself is probably not your go-to response. So what does that even look like? One of the ways I have found to do this is by paying attention to my physical positioning. When we are in the throws of our Monger and in that go-go-go mentality, our energy is focused outward. We are keyed up, our posture is pushed forward, our shoulders are tight, we walk faster, we clench our jaw and our fists our energy is elevated. When we are being kind to ourselves, our energy becomes softer. Our shoulders fall, our jaw unclenches, we immediately feel seen and heard and can take a big exhale.

Kindness looks like,

“I know this is hard.”

“It sucks to be this overwhelmed.”

“Feeling out of control is the WORST.”

“Missing a deadline is just so annoying.”

“Disappointing your husband is so embarrassing.”

“We can fix this.”

Kindness isn’t immediately about solving the problem it is just about saying, “Hey, I see you over there doing the best you can with what you have. I see you making mistakes, being disappointed in yourself, and that sucks.”

It feels foreign. It feels strange. And once you get in the practice of it, it is a game-changer.

The 2nd trait is Forgiveness.

We mistakenly have the belief that if we give ourselves forgiveness, we are giving ourselves slack. This is the big mindset difference of the biggest fan. We have lived far too long with either the voice of our Monger who offers us shame and belittling, slowly tearing apart and dissecting each and every mistake with the intent that by doing this, we won’t make the same mistake again. But in reality, all this shaming and belittling does is make us feel defeated. So we jump to our BFF. In order to help us feel better after the belittling of our Monger, our BFF offers us justification, and frequently she can come up with someone else to blame. Which again is not helpful.

Our Biggest Fan offers us forgiveness she recognizes that we are HUMAN and humans make mistakes. When we can give ourselves forgiveness for making a mistake, we can move past the mistake itself and figure out where to make changes next time and how to learn and grow.

Now before you think forgiveness just happens in a poof, all is forgiven way (especially when we are talking about one of these bigger mess-ups), I want to remind you of the story of the broken plate. You go to someone’s house, and you accidentally break a plate, you apologize, you pick up the pieces, you might even be able to glue it back together, but the plate is still broken. The mistake lives on.

You might be thinking, ouch, that is a Monger story for sure. If I mess up, I can never make it right, and I will live forever to beat myself up.

But your Biggest Fan sees that story differently. You messed up; you broke a plate, that sucks because it was an accident. You apologize to your friend, you hug her as she cries because it turns out it was her grandmother’s plate. But you cannot repair it completely. AND beating yourself up about it does nothing IT IS STILL a broken plate. No matter how much you apologize or fix it. But what does help? Kindness. Understanding. Showing up and admitting your mistakes.

Here is the lesson, we have to forgive ourselves. If we don’t forgive ourselves, we can’t be there for people we hurt. We can’t show up to do it differently because we are so wrapped up in beating ourselves up.

The 3rd trait is Curiosity.

After we forgive ourselves for being human and making a mistake, we need to be curious. The Biggest Fan is always encouraging you to be curious. She sees everything as an experiment. There is no judgment. Right and wrong don’t exist. Every situation offers a chance to provide more wisdom.

Curiosity is a key part of K. Kindly pull back to see the big picture. Too often, our Monger steps in and uses curiosity as a way to be judgmental.

The question isn’t “Why did this happen?” (which leads to more judgment and shame), it’s “What could I do differently? How can I improve the outcome?

Asking these questions allows you to come up with new ideas and options.

As I have said before, one of the ways to recognize your Monger is she talks in absolutes, she puts those blinders on so that you have tunnel vision. A powerful way around that is to use the word And.

And allows you to take two opposing ideas and make them one thought.

I want to work out, and right now, I am tired. Both are true.

I want to eat an ice cream sundae, and I know ice cream upsets my stomach. Both are true.

I feel like a terrible manager since I missed the deadline, AND sometimes I mess up and drop the ball.

So going back to your unproductive morning at work and your long lunch where your BFF and Monger are arguing. You want to Kindly pull back to see the Big picture, you can say to yourself ok, maybe the long lunch wasn’t the best idea, and honestly, getting to work early on a Monday is a bit unrealistic (forgiveness). Regrouping, what do I need to get done today to feel good about the day. You decide on 2 different to-dos on your list. And you are going to use the rest of the day as an experiment to see how long it takes you to REALLY complete a task vs. how long your Monger thinks it will take you (curiosity). You shut your door and set the timer for 30 minutes, shut off your music (because yes, you love listening to it, but it is distracting, turn off your email notifications and buckle down. When your timer goes off, you stand up and take a walk around the office and reflect on how it is going (Kindness). You realize maybe your expectations are out of whack. Maybe when you are setting deadlines, you are setting your expectations too high. You decide you need to meet with your team and re-visit the deadlines you have for the future. By the end of the day, you leave feeling accomplished and far less shame-filled.

Here’s the truth that is so hard to hold on to. You are human. You make mistakes. No amount of beating yourself up, shaming yourself, or telling yourself how much you suck is going to make those mistakes (yes, even the big ones) any better. The ONLY thing that helps is being kind, forgiving yourself, and having curiosity.

So the next time you hear your Monger chatting, practice A.S.K.

A. Acknowledge what you are feeling

B. Slow Down and Get into your body

C. Kindly pull back and see the big picture.

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If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.

And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.

Mixed messages, am I right?

I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.

And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.

I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.

The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.

Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.

Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!

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Episode 115: Living Life True To Your Values

In today’s episode, I explore how values are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. And when we work to narrow down our list of values, we can use them to find what is most important to us. 

Today, I want to share a cautionary tale.

A few days ago I said to my husband:

“Maybe we should shake things up this year. Do something crazy. Sell our house, move to Hawaii… SOMETHING BIG.”

He looked at me blankly. “What about our families?” he asked. “What about our friends? What about your business? Besides, I like it here. I like our life. We do big things in little ways all the time.”

And it hit me–I had yet again got sucked into the New Year, New You crap– “When-Then Syndrome.” 

I had been reading the inspirational memes on social media–people planning on moving to exotic locations, quitting toxic jobs, losing weight, getting in shape–and my Inner Monger was getting louder and louder.

All of these promises of a new and perfect life were making me feel like I wasn’t enough–like I was missing out. 

I was getting drawn into comparing myself to all the people who were making BIG change and I was twisting it into a ‘you are not good enough’ mantra.

I was stuck in a cycle of comparisonitis.

I let that realization sink in for a bit: my instinct to make a big change or do something impulsive was really just a mental reflex to our New Year, New You culture.

But when I think about what I value most in my life–empathy, relationships, laughter, integrity, compassion–I can see that the life I lead is a reflection of those values. 

My nearest and dearest was right: I love our life.  

Yes, I wish we had more adventures. Yes, I wish we had fewer restrictions on our time. Yes, I wish this living intentionally, having self-compassion and empathy and showing up for life was a little easier. But overall, I love the messy imperfection that is my life. 

I love that I have a life based on my values, and when things get messy and confusing, I can come back to them and remind myself, yes, right now this is what I want for my life.

In today’s episode, I explore how values are the foundation of your life. They are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. And how when we work to narrow down our list of values, we can use them to find what is most important to us. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How naming your values is one of the best ways to bring yourself back to what is most important

• How when you can get honest with yourself and name your values, they will become the new standards of how you live your life

• How to narrow your values down to a list of 5 values that are unique to you

• How to let go of the guilt of not sharing someone else’s values so you don’t end up feeling numb, disengaged, and uninspired by life

• What to do when your values are seemingly in conflict with one another

• How to find help from your friends and family in holding yourself accountable to your values

Research and resources mentioned:

• Name Your Values Worksheet

• City Slickers – One Thing – YouTube

• Work with Me: Coach in Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

A few days ago, I said to my nearest and dearest, “Maybe we should shake things up this year…do something crazy…sell our house…move to Hawaii..I don’t know, just do SOMETHING BIG.”

Over the past week, I have been reading the inspirational memes on Facebook and blogs and was just feeling ‘meh’ about the whole thing. I was reading about all the big things people were planning to do…moving to exotic locations, quitting toxic jobs, losing weight, getting in shape, etc. As I kept reading, my inner bully/monger kept getting louder and louder. All of these promises of a new life, a perfect life, a better life made me feel less than and like I was missing out. Over the past week, I have been stuck in a cycle of berating myself, feeling not good enough, and a HUGE case of comparisonitis.

My husband’s response to my announcement, well, He looked at me blankly and said, “What about our families? What about our friends? What about your business? I like it here. I like our life, we do big things in little ways all the time.”

And then it hit me, I had yet again got sucked into all the New Year New You crap and the “When-Then Syndrome. “ I had been drawn into comparing myself to all the people who were making BIG change and had twisted it into a ‘you are not good enough mantra.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

I let that realization sink in for a bit: my instinct to make a big change or do something impulsive was really just a mental reflex to our New Year, New You culture.

So last night, after a wonderful evening of hanging on the couch and snuggling with our animals, I laid in bed and thought about my values. I thought about what I value most in my life:

Empathy

Relationships

Laughter

Integrity

Compassion

And I thought about how my life is a reflection of those values. My nearest and dearest was right, I like our life…no, I love our life. Yes, I wish we had more adventures. Yes, I wish we had fewer restrictions on our time. Yes, I wish this living intentionally, having self-compassion and empathy, and showing up for life was a little easier. But overall, I love the messy imperfection that is my life. I love that I have a life based on my values, and when things get messy and confusing, I can come back to those 5 things and remind myself, yes, right now, this is what I want for my life.

I tell this cautionary tale to show that we are all going to get snagged from time to time, even so-called experts on this subject :)

When I get snagged and thinking I need to blow my whole life up and make a BIG change. Naming my values is one of my favorite ways to bring me back to what is most important to me. I remember years ago watching the movie City Slickers. (Yep, I am totally dating myself here)

In the movie, Billy Crystal and his friends have gone on a vacation to a cattle ranch to help move the cattle from one ranch to another. Billy Crystal’s character is having a bit of a mid-life crisis and trying to figure out the meaning of his life. While there, he meets an old cowboy named Curly (played by Jack Palance). My favorite scene in the movie is when Billy and Jack are talking about the meaning of life. Jack says, “You know what the secret to life is?” and he holds up his finger. Billy says, “Your finger?” and Jack says, “No one thing, once you figure that out, nothing else matters. Billy says, “What’s the one thing and Jack says, “that’s what you have to figure out.” I remember seeing that scene in the theater, and I was blown away. Thinking of the simplicity of that. With my anxiety picking one thing is just TOO hard!! So today, I encourage people to pick 5 things. 5 Values.

What are values? As defined by the Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, a value is “something (such as a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable.”[i]

Values are the foundation of your life. Values are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. Values help you answer the question, What’s most important here? The values you choose and the definitions you give them are unique to you. Someone may share similar values to yours, but their definitions might be different.

Too often, we aren’t living by our values. We find ourselves caught up in the messages of our Monger, and we are doing what we think we should do or what so-and-so is doing. When we are living a life based on someone else’s values, we end up feeling numb, disengaged, and uninspired by our life.

In contrast, your Biggest Fan encourages you to live true to your values. Your values provide a simple, easy way to see the big picture and determine what is most important to you so you can take the next steps.

Your values are expressed in the decisions you make and the activities you choose. Imagine someone was silently observing your life:

What would they see you valuing the most?

Would they be able to tell what you valued most by looking at how you spend your time and with whom you spend it?

If you are living your life from your values, then the decisions you make and the commitments you engage in will support one of your top five values. Let’s say family is one of your top five values; then, your life decisions will revolve around supporting and engaging with your family. You won’t want to engage in activities or spend time with people who take you away from your family for a long period. Your family is consistently a priority.

If you value social change, you make everyday choices that inspire social change through the clothes you wear, the websites you visit, and the products you use. You may want to work in a job or support causes that encourage social change and work towards the social change you want to see.

If you value creativity, then you probably engage in activities that feed your artistic side, whether it is through drawing, painting, developing ideas, or writing. Expressing your creative side through either paid or unpaid activities will be a focus of your life.

The glitch comes when we value something, but we aren’t making choices around it. For example, you value family, but you are working all the time, so you miss important family events. Or you value creativity, but you never give yourself time to engage in artistic activities.

Only you can define what a value means for you. For example, many people value financial security. For one person, that could mean having just enough money to pay all the bills, while for another person, that could mean paying all the bills and having money left over to take as many vacations as they want.

When you can get honest with yourself and name your values, they will become the new standards of how you live your life. No longer will you be driven by external standards set by the Monger; now, you will have internal guides to chart your course.

Old Values/Other People’s Values

Growing up, you learned values from teachers, parents, clergy, and friends. Now, as an adult, you are entitled to your own values. Our Biggest Fan helps us get clear on and live out our values.

Our Monger loves to remind us of other people’s values. She loves to hold on to old values that belonged to our parents that might not be our values today. For example, maybe your parents found it important to go to church and religion was one of their values, but you value family, and Sunday mornings are the only time your immediate family has time to hang out, catch up, and bond so you don’t want to spend that time at church. That is okay. Remember, values and guilt don’t go together. Values aren’t shoulds. They are intentions that resonate with you and answer the question, What is most important here? You need to let go of the guilt of not sharing someone else’s values.

For example, your father values loyalty, so he worked at the same employer for 30+ years and encouraged you to do the same. However, maybe you value learning, and you have learned all you can from your current employer. Even though you have only been there for five years, you want to find another employer where you can continue to learn and grow. Recognizing this difference and knowing that you can make different choices and have different values is key.

Maybe you have outgrown a value. I remember in my 20s, I really valued social acceptance and would head out every weekend with my friends to see the latest movie just so I could say I had been there and done that. Today? I spend Friday nights quietly with my nearest and dearest or close friends, and the thought of facing the throngs of people to see the latest movie makes my skin crawl! It was great for my 20s, but now that I am almost 45, I value relationships more than I value social acceptance, and I would rather pass. Imagine if I listened to my Monger, who told me I should value social acceptance—I would be stressed out every Friday night.

Your top five values reflect you, not what you have been told to do or have been expected to do.

Conflicting Values

Our top five values may not be similar to each other and might be in direct conflict with each other. Rarely do all your values exist without a little conflict with each other. Here is where your Monger will be quick to come in and tell you how wrong you are and how you can’t live a life with values that aren’t similar. But your Biggest Fan is there to remind you that you can pull back and look at the big picture. You can include all your values; you just need to be more creative, not critical.

For example, maybe you value risk-taking, but you also value logic, so you are an auditor who bungee jumps. Or you value financial security and creativity, so you might be working a variety of jobs to fulfill both your creative outlet and your need for a secure future. You might work as a freelance writer to feed your creative side and have a job as a nurse to pay the bills. Or you value independence, but you also value socializing, so you need to be conscious and intentional about making sure you build quality relationships with others while also balancing your need for freedom, individuality, or autonomy.

Bottom line, we are happier when we live by our values, not what our Monger tells us we should be living by. After years of listening to your Monger telling you what you should be doing, listening to your own values will be challenging because your Monger’s message has become your default. Initially, you will need to remind yourself of your values as often as possible. Some of my clients have written their values down and framed them to display in their office. You can post them in your home, put them on your phone, and share them with your family. Accountability is helpful, so encourage your family to lovingly remind you of your values when they notice you are spinning out from a Monger attack.

In the show notes, you can download an exercise to help you name your values and see how they are playing out in your life.

It is SO easy to get snagged this time of year with all the new year new you messaging. The pressure is real, and the messages that IF you just changed this one thing, your life would be magically different. We WANT to believe that because it would be so much easier :)

It isn’t about not getting snagged; it is about how quickly you can regroup. Sometimes regrouping takes me days. Sometimes hours and sometimes minutes. The key is having the necessary tools to regroup and not get stuck in the “I am not good enough mantra.”

I believe–like Curly did in the movie City Slickers–when we come up with our one thing (or 5), it makes it easier to focus on what’s important in our lives.

---

High Functioning Anxiety can be at its worst around the New Year. Whether it’s your resolutions or everyone else’s, you can feel yourself regularly cycling through scripts that tell you you’re not good enough unless you’re flawless, constantly available, and solving everyone else’s problems.

I’d love to help you embrace this new year with a fresh outlook, new tools, and--yes--a happier approach. I specialize in helping women like you living with High Functioning Anxiety to let go and make peace themselves.

Plus, coaching with me doesn’t have to take up tons of room in your already full schedule.

Here’s how it works:

First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.

Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I’ll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you’ll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.

Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.

---

Episode 114: Setting New Year’s Resolutions Without The Hype

In today’s episode, I am talking about why resolutions are so triggering and what the research shows for setting helpful resolutions.

Eating too much sugar? No problem! In January I will cut back.

Not working out? No problem! In January I will hit the gym.

Postponing our plans for change looks great under the glow of the holiday lights. But when we wake up each year on January 1st, hungover from too much celebrating, realizing with dread, that all of our plans for change in the New Year need to magically start RIGHT NOW, it is a very different story. 

All of the plans that we have been putting off until the New Year are suddenly very real and very pressing. We need to get it together and act before our Monger catches on.

The deadline had arrived.

For people with High Functioning Anxiety, the days leading up to the New Year are days full of possibility. Set the resolution, do the prep work, and, poof like magic, we will be different people. 

No wonder we are so depressed come the first week of January when we realize that the change we want is only going to happen with work and that the work is going to be hard. 

We were so focused on how amazing it would be once the change was done that we didn’t take into account what it would actually take to stop eating sugar or to work out every morning. We didn’t take into account the process of change.  

Throughout the month of January, we will be discussing this process of change with helpful tips and strategies for making small changes in your life without all the hype. 

Today we will be talking about why resolutions are so triggering and what the research shows for setting helpful resolutions. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• Why New Year’s can be very anxiety-inducing for people with High Functioning Anxiety

• What the research actually shows about making resolutions for change in the New Year

• What we can do about it once we know the research and identify our own tendencies

• 5 tips for not falling prey to the romance of New Year’s eve

• How to embrace this New Year with a fresh outlook, new tools, and--yes--a happier approach.

Some of the research and resources:

• Research by University of Scranton Psychology Professor John C. Norcross, Ph.D

  • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2980864

  • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11920693

• Research by Ayelet Fishbach, University of Chicago, and Kaitlin Woolley, Cornell University

  • https://faculty.chicagobooth.edu/ayelet.fishbach/research/Woolley&FishbachPSPB.pdf

• Prelude to the Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

• Work with Me: Coach in Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

I have always hated New Year’s. The whole event. New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day. Drinking too much, feeling hungover, the parties, the pork, the sauerkraut. Everything about it I hated. And I never knew why.

Then I realized…

...it was the pressure.

For the month of December, I would quiet my Monger by saying, in January, I will make all these changes. ANYTHING she would criticize me about, I would respond by saying just wait until the new year.

Eating too much sugar? No problem, in JANUARY I will be a better person.

Not working out? No problem, in JANUARY I will be a better person.

I would spend the last week of December planning for all the magical changes I would make come January, I would be healthier, more organized, focused, and calm. Because Of course, I want to make all those changes while being calm and peaceful.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

For people with HFA leading up to the new year is the BEST. Full of possibilities, full of ideas, and a borderline delusional belief that we will magically be different people.

January 1st is the day we will finally make ourselves perfect.

So when I woke up on January 1st each year, I not only was hungover from too much celebrating now the deadline had arrived.

NOW I really needed to get my shit together before my Monger figured out that the new year wasn’t really magical. It is like the world’s worst hangover because one, you might actually be hungover from celebrating, and two, you realize all the expectations for change and motivation needed to start NOW.

One look at Facebook or Instagram, and it only gets worse. You’re bombarded by everyone’s New Year’s Resolutions and inspiring words of the year. It seems like the people who have it together only get it more together…

...and the rest of us? Well, the overwhelming message is, YOU ARE NOT OK AND YOU NEED TO BE SOMETHING ELSE. In other words, you MUST CHANGE in order to BE BETTER, and more importantly, ONCE YOU DO CHANGE, THEN YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

All these beliefs are like Cat-nip for those of us with HFA. The memes and messages make it look SO easy. Our BFFs make us believe that it will be magical: Have the desire to change, set the resolution, do the prep work, and poof like magic, we will be different people. It is like magic, the calendar will flip to January, and we will be different people. No wonder I was so depressed. Come the first week of January, I woke up to the realization that if the change was going to happen, I needed to do the work. AND the work was HARD. I was so focused on the outcome of the change how amazing I will BE once the change is done I didn’t account for what it would be like to ACTUALLY stop eating sugar or to work out every morning. I didn’t account for the process of change.

Happy New Year!! Welcome to 2020! All this month, we are talking about Resolutions. For people with High Functioning anxiety, this time of year can be VERY anxiety-provoking, so I want to bring that anxiety out into the open and talk about how we can do it differently.

In this episode, we will be talking about why resolutions are so triggering and what the research shows for setting helpful resolutions. Throughout the month, you will hear helpful tips and strategies for making small changes in your life without all the hype.

Let’s start with some research statistics. Now, I LOVE research, and research is something that gets misquoted and shifted to fit the expectations of the user. Resolution Research is a great example of this phenomenon. A commonly quoted stat is that the failure rate for New Year’s resolutions is said to be about 80 percent, and most lose their resolve by mid-February.

I saw that sentence quoted over and over in US World Report, Forbes, and numerous blogs. I had to really search to find the source of that quote. The stat is from Research by University of Scranton Psychology Professor John C. Norcross, Ph.D., internationally recognized as an authority on behavior change and psychotherapy.

In Norcross’s abstract, the actual stat is 77% of people maintained their pledges for 1 week and only 19% for 2 years. So the stat that is quoted is 80% of people fail on their resolutions is a bit more doom and gloom than the reality.

In reality, 19% keep their resolutions for more than 2 years, and those other 77% might keep them longer than one week! Norcross goes on to say that Fifty-three percent of the successful group experienced at least one slip, and the mean number of slips over the 2-year interval was 14. 14 slip-ups!!! 14 do-overs. Fourteen mess-ups, and that was the average which means there were more than 14 slip-ups.

Norcross also found that you are 10-times more likely to change the desired behavior if you make a New Year’s resolution than if you don’t.

According to his research, 46 percent of those making a resolution were successful at changing their target behavior after six months, compared to only 4 percent of adults desiring to change their behavior who did not make a resolution.

And the last bit of research to share is a meta-analysis (I had to look up what a meta-analysis is too, which means they use a statistical approach to combine the results from multiple studies) led by Ayelet Fishbach from the University of Chicago and Cornell University’s Kaitlin Woolley, looked at participants’ commitment to resolutions based on delayed vs. immediate rewards.” They found in layman’s terms that: people were less likely to commit to a goal that didn’t offer an immediate (or at least an immediately obvious) pay-off.

So what we have learned from research is:

Most people who set resolutions quit at them.

Those who are successful at their resolutions frequently mess up and then regroup. They make mistakes frequently.

You are more likely to change if you make an intention about changing. In other words, if you don’t try, you won’t change.

Change is easier when you have immediate gratification.

Now that we know the facts let’s talk resolutions and HFA.

As I shared in the beginning, those of us with HFA LOVE the IDEA of improving ourselves because, in our minds, we have LOTS to improve. The magical myth of new year’s is almost too much to resist. It is like catnip to us. The idea that with the turn of the calendar, all that we dislike about ourselves can be changed. Logically WE KNOW it isn’t true, I mean, we aren’t totally delusional, and yet it addicting.

Knowing the research and knowing that we are addicted to HFA, what can we do about it? How can we not fall prey to the romance of new year’s eve?

Here are my tips:

Be HONEST with yourself notice your tendency to romance New Year’s remember the quote, “wherever you go, there you are.” You are the same person you are now that you will be in February. You didn’t magically change on NYE, and you won’t magically change every.

Change is slow. All change requires baby steps. When you think you have a small step, break it down even smaller. Want to eat healthier? A small step would be to avoid sugar. A smaller step would be to avoid sugar after 7pm. Or avoid sugar after lunch. Do that for a period of time, and then when you have mastered it, make another SMALL change.

Celebrate. Celebrate the small changes. Your Monger will ALWAYS be critical that you didn’t do enough or didn’t do it right. But remember to celebrate the small victories.

You will MESS UP. As research shows, you will mess up. Every time you mess up, use it as a chance to re-calibrate. Do you need to make the goal smaller? Remind yourself that mistakes are part of change.

What if your change this year was to be more kind to yourself? Change is so much easier when we are doing it from a place of kindness. I am going to eat less sugar because I FEEL healthier, or I am going to walk every day because I feel better when I move my body?

I am going to leave you with excerpts from one of my favorite poems: Prelude to the Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

What if your contribution to the world and the fulfillment of your own happiness is not dependent upon discovering a better method of prayer or technique of meditation, not dependent upon reading the right book or attending the right seminar, but upon really seeing and deeply appreciating yourself and the world as they are right now?

How would this affect your search for spiritual development?

What if there is no need to change, no need to try and transform yourself into someone who is more compassionate, more present, more loving, or wise?

How would this affect all the places in your life where you are endlessly trying to be better?

What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature - gentle, compassionate, and capable of living fully and passionately present?

How would this affect how you feel when you wake up in the morning?

What if who you essentially are right now is all that you are ever going to be?

How would this affect how you feel about your future?

What if the essence of who you are and always have been is enough?

How would this affect how you see and feel about your past?

What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

How would this change what you think you have to learn?

It’s all about kindness. If you can be kind to yourself, if you can allow yourself to make mistakes and mess it up and break those changes down to very small increments, resolutions work, they allow you to change, to grow, to become a different person.

But that doesn’t mean you have to be better. You are. Just where you are. And I know that’s impossible to believe with high functioning anxiety, but trust me, I’m going to repeat the quote again from Oriah Mountain Dreamer because it’s one of my favorites. What if the question is not, why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

---

High Functioning Anxiety can be at its worst around the New Year. Whether it’s your resolutions or everyone else’s, you can feel yourself regularly cycling through scripts that tell you you’re not good enough unless you’re flawless, constantly available, and solving everyone else’s problems.

I’d love to help you embrace this new year with a fresh outlook, new tools, and--yes--a happier approach. I specialize in helping women like you living with High Functioning Anxiety to let go and make peace themselves.

Plus, coaching with me doesn’t have to take up tons of room in your already full schedule.

Here’s how it works:

First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.

Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I’ll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you’ll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.

Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.

---

Episode 112: The Voices In Your Head–The Biggest Fan

In today’s episode, I am talking about the Biggest Fan. Your Biggest Fan always has your back and is wise about the struggle. Your Biggest Fan is the how. She is the one who will help you achieve your goals and be happier. 

This month we are talking about the 3 characters that chat at us throughout the day and are at the There is a voice in your head. 

She is the voice of kindness, generosity, and wisdom and I call her the Biggest Fan.

Of the 3 characters that are at the core of the Happier Approach, she is the best of all worlds. 

She holds the goals of your Monger (to be safe and secure) without shaming and belittling you. She provides the support and encouragement of your BFF (“you are awesome”) without giving you a free pass to do whatever you want.

Your Biggest Fan always has your back, acknowledges your feelings, can see options, is wise about the struggle, and uses your values as guiding principles. 

Your Biggest Fan is the how. 

She is the one who will help you achieve your goals and be happier. 

All this month we have been talking about the voices that carry on in your head. If you haven’t already, go back and take a listen:

• In Episode 110 we talked about how the Monger, that mean voice that shames and belittles you, telling you that you’re not good enough.

• In Episode 111 we talked about how the BFF has an amazing talent of always being able to justify any behavior and how she shames and belittles other people in your defense.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How to identify the kind voice of the Biggest Fan even when you don't think you have one inside you

• What steps you can take to access the voice of your Biggest Fan

  • Acknowledge what you are feeling

  • Slow down and get into your body

  • Kindly pull back to see the bigger picture

• What some of the challenges of accessing our Biggest Fan can be

• How the voice of your Biggest Fan has been silenced for a long time and how she will become louder as you listen to her more and more

• How to be gentle with yourself and identify that the success you want is a learning process

+ Read the Transcript

With tears in her eyes, Sarah walks out of the conference room and makes it to the bathroom just before the waterworks begin. My boss just screamed at me in that meeting. I knew the project was behind, but I didn’t think we were THAT behind. How did I miss it? I spent all week organizing customer feedback. I didn’t realize he wanted us to be writing the copy already!

It doesn’t take long before the inner voice of her BFF has her back. “Come on, girlfriend, your boss is such a jerk. I mean to publicly call you out like that is just rude.”

Sarah says to herself, I need to hear from my Biggest Fan. She starts with:

Sweet Pea, stop torturing yourself! This is so hard. Doing it wrong sucks, especially when you thought you were doing it right! I get it that you are scared you might lose your job. That is understandable after getting yelled at. It is just embarrassing and humiliating to be yelled at in a staff meeting.

Let’s take some deep breaths. It’s okay to cry; getting yelled at in public is the worst. Let it out, and then we can figure out what comes next.

This is totally avoidable. Next time, let’s double-check (even triple-check) with him on what is his top priority. I know it is annoying (and let’s admit it, sometimes scary) to double-check, but it’s better than this feeling right now. Your co-workers get it. They have been called out before too. And truthfully, getting fired is probably a bit extreme. Go talk to your boss, clear the air, and figure out next steps.

See how her Biggest Fan helps Sarah find the middle ground? Her Biggest Fan is kind and understanding but also wants her to do her best and succeed. She isn’t enabling. She isn’t belittling. She is just there, a kind, wise, motivating voice.

She is the best of both worlds, self-compassion, and motivation. She is 100 percent kind and wants you to be the best version of you. Maybe even a version you can’t see yet.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

This Month we are talking about the three characters that chat at us throughout the day and are at the core of The Happier Approach. Today, we are on the last character, the voice of Kindness and Wisdom; I call her the Biggest Fan.

Your Biggest Fan is the key to quieting your Monger. She is the one who will help you achieve your goals and be happier. Your Biggest Fan is the how. She is kind, generous, and wise and always has your back. She’s the best of both worlds. She holds the goals of your Monger (to be safe and secure) without the shaming and belittling, and she provides the support of your BFF (“you are awesome”) without the free pass to do whatever you want.

Your Biggest Fan is the voice that says,

“You are having fun. Slow down and take a breath. Do you really need another drink? You have been kicking butt on your workouts this week. You want to get up and work out tomorrow, and you feel so much better when you work out. You can stay and have fun without drinking more, so you won’t be hungover tomorrow.”

“Yikes, that is totally scary that your boss called you in tomorrow. Take a breath and do a quick stretch. It will all be okay; no matter what happens, we will figure it out. Let’s do some brainstorming. How can we best prepare for that meeting?”

Your Biggest Fan has this wonderful combo of kind, wise, and honest (sometimes brutally so).

As a simple reminder:

Your Monger shames and belittles you.

Your BFF shames and belittles other people in defense of you and has the amazing talent of always being able to justify any behavior.

Your Biggest Fan always has your back, acknowledges your feelings, can see options, is wise about the struggle, and uses your values as guiding principles.

The #1 thing I hear from clients when I discuss the Biggest Fan is, “I don’t think I have one of those.” Let me be the first to say that you do have a Biggest Fan. Trust me. Even when you don’t think you do, you do. You have that voice inside of you that wants you to succeed.

Your Biggest Fan is probably quiet right now, which is why you might think you don’t have one. She has been ignored for so long that her voice is meek, but over time, as you listen to her more and more, she will become louder and louder.

I have found 3 steps that work to access your Biggest Fan Voice. The first step is to acknowledge what you are feeling. This is so important because when we have HFA, we tend to ignore our feelings. We ignore our experience because we tell ourselves we SHOULD feel a certain way. By Acknowledging our feelings, we are starting to build that self-loyalty which is so important to decreasing anxiety AND decreasing the voice of our Monger.

Feelings can be a tough subject. There are a lot of preconceived ideas around feelings and how we should or should not experience them. We have A LOT of judgment around feelings, good feelings, bad feelings, positives, and negatives. That is why this step is simply to acknowledge your feelings. Not judge them, justify them or determine whether or not they are okay.

Frequently throughout the day, I will say to myself, what are you feeling? And then, I will pull out the feelings sheet (attached) and name 7-8 feelings. I always have the tendency to judge them, so I will repeat to myself, you ARE feeling this way, it is what it is. For much of my life, I willed myself to feel a different way, or more likely, my Monger willed me to feel a different way through belittlement and shame. Giving myself permission to just label the feeling and acknowledge it has made a HUGE difference in building loyalty with myself and hearing from my Biggest Fan.

The reason Acknowledging what you are feeling is the first step is because it is a bit of an intellectual exercise. When you hear your Monger (or BFF) talking to you, and you are in a frenzy of drama or shame, the LAST thing you want to do is slow down and get into your body, you WANT to stay in the frenzy so acknowledging what you are feeling is just a small way to break through that frenzy and calm yourself a little bit.

Which brings me to the next step, which is: Slow down and get into your body. On this one, I encourage you to do a full-body movement, dance, wiggle touch your toes. Just taking a deep breath or sitting up straighter won’t cut it. You need to break the frenzied mind, and the ONLY way to do that is to move your WHOLE body. Those of us with HFA spend too much time in our heads, to the point where we forget we have a body. The number of times I practice this step and remember, oh yes, I actually have a body is incredible to me.

And the 3rd step, Kindly Pull Back to see the Big Picture.

The key part of this is kindly. Too often, when we pull back, we get lost in a sea of judgment. Our Monger tells us, “You are doing it wrong,” “You will fail,” “There are too many options.” We get wrapped up in justifying or proving why we are feeling a certain way. So when we pull back kindly, we are giving ourselves lots of love and wisdom. Pulling back kindly and being open to all the options allows us to move beyond the traps of the Monger and find solutions that will move us forward.

This last step is where the Biggest Fan shows her kindness and wisdom. So what does this look like, you might be wondering? Here are some signs:

Our Biggest Fan doesn’t use shame and belittling when looking at options. There is no “should” or “other people do it” in her vocabulary.

She always has our best interests at heart. She is kind, not judgmental, and she doesn’t lead us down a path that will hurt us eventually (like our BFF might).

This final step in the process is what separates the voice of the Biggest Fan from the Monger and BFF. Because our Monger keeps us stuck in a tunnel of absolute thinking, we have blinders on to any other options. The first two steps, A. Acknowledge what you are feeling and B. Slow down and get into your body, allow us to give ourselves empathy and get into our bodies long enough so we can pull those blinders off and do the final step. During this final step, we can look around and see all we have missed. We can see all the choices and options we have. If we jump to this step immediately, we might not have our blinders completely removed. We might still be blinded by the Monger, so the options and choices we brainstorm won’t be as varied.

Make it a game. See how many options you can brainstorm. As you limit the judgments in your head, you will be amazed at how many ways you can solve a problem.

Again, the three steps of ASK:

Acknowledge what you are feeling: When the Monger tries to shame and belittle you, the Biggest Fan acknowledges what you are feeling (e.g., you must be tired, scared, angry, sad, etc.). She labels your feelings and normalizes whatever your experience is.

Slow down and get into your body: When the Monger tries to speed you up and make everything more intense, your Biggest Fan allows you to slow everything down, encouraging you to take a break, pause, and breathe.

Kindly pull back to see the big picture: When the Monger just sees doom and gloom and engages in black-and-white thinking, the Biggest Fan sees lots of colors. She encourages you to think of different solutions, brainstorm, and see the other colors. We tend to be harsh on ourselves when we are looking for new solutions. As we shift from black-and-white to color, the Monger might step in more. That’s why doing it kindly is the key.

Sometimes we need an outside perspective to help us hear/see our Monger. Ask someone you love and trust—your spouse, your best friend, a sibling—to lovingly remind you when you are engaging in one of your myths, or you are being exceptionally harsh on yourself. This can be hard, so prepare yourself for lots of do-overs.

Having that outside help can make the process easier. I made a lot more progress when my husband lovingly mirrored how often I was trying to “do it right.” The more he pointed it out to me, the easier it was for me to see the habit, and the more frequently I could access my Biggest Fan.

Spend more time on accessing your Biggest Fan rather than listening for your Monger. Randomly throughout the day, do something physical, get into your body, and tap into your feelings.

For so many years, our Monger has convinced us she knows better, so initially, working with our Biggest Fan is going to take some trust. Being open to the idea that kindness can be motivating and shaming ourselves makes us more stressed and miserable is key.

Pretend that your whole life, you were told spinach was bad for you. Your mom hated spinach and didn’t want it in the house, so she told you that spinach was bad for you and never bothered to tell you differently. And then suddenly in your 20s, you hear spinach is good for you, and you are like, “What!?!” you can’t believe it. You do a lot of research, and everything you read says spinach is healthy. But when you first start eating spinach, it feels like you are going to die because your brain is telling you this is bad for you, even though you have done all the research and you know it might be different. But you have to go against your brain and trust it is good.

That is a tongue-in-cheek example, but it illustrates the point that our Biggest Fan is good for us, but we don’t trust her at first. Our Monger tends to be the first responder. She is always the loudest and quickest. One of my favorite mantras has become “First thought wrong.” When I hear my Monger chatting at me, I will say to myself, okay, first thought wrong! Then I will ASK to hear from my Biggest Fan.

Finally, go easy on yourself. You have spent your life being an overachiever, so your tendency is to overachieve on quieting your Monger as well. Remember, you are a work in process. The process just takes time.

Scenario: You binge-watch the Crown rather than working in the yard as you had planned.

Monger: You are such a loser. On top of being lazy, you can’t keep your word. You said you were going to do yard work. You already have the worst-looking yard in the neighborhood, and now you wasted yet another day doing nothing.

BFF: You work so hard during the week. You deserve to do nothing. Screw the neighbors—they don’t have lives anyway. All they do is take care of their yards. You have a life, and you know that there is more to the world than just keeping a pristine yard. Enjoy your day of nothing.

Biggest Fan: (A. Acknowledge what you are feeling) It is okay to be conflicted. On the one hand, you must have needed a day of nothing, and you did say you would take care of the yard. (S. Slow down and get into your body) Stand up and stretch, take some deep breaths. (K. Kindly pull back to see the big picture) The truth is, you love this show and being able to binge-watch is a special treat. Soak it up and enjoy! And the lawn does need to be mowed. You love driving past the house and seeing the yard look nice, so maybe tomorrow after lunch, you can just do some quick cleanup.

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If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.

And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.

Mixed messages, am I right?

I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.

And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.

I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.

The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.

Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.

Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!

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Episode 105: How To Stop Checking Boxes And Start Living Life

In today’s episode, I examine how When-Then thinking is keeping us stuck. How it is preventing us from accepting ourselves, living in the moment, and seeking solutions from within.

I didn’t want to experience life–I wanted to master it.

I was too caught up in my goals to enjoy what was right in front of me. I figured that when I checked all the boxes on my goal list, then I would finally be happy:

• WHEN I have a life partner THEN this experience will be awesome

• WHEN I am thinner THEN I will be happier

• WHEN I am less busy THEN life will be more peaceful

• WHEN I am more present THEN I will be content

And because I wasn’t present in the moment, not living in the moment was holding me back  

We live our lives in When Then statements. We spend too much of our time waiting, hoping, wishing for our broken selves to be fixed so THEN we can be happy. 

What if you aren’t doing anything wrong? What if happiness isn’t something you attain permanently? What if you are thinking about it wrong?

All this month we are looking at how self-help isn’t doing us any favors and is leading us astray, particularly those of us with High Functioning Anxiety who love looking outside of ourselves for the answers.

In today’s episode, I examine how When-Then thinking is keeping us stuck. How it is preventing us from accepting ourselves, living in the moment, and seeking solutions from within.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How to start accepting ourselves as we are so we can start living the moment

• How we can have happiness without devaluing the daily experience

• 3 Myths of When-Then thinking

• And recognizing life’s daily opportunities so we can experience life more deeply and fully

Research and resources mentioned:

• Psychologist and researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky

• My books on living with High Functioning Anxiety

• And how you can work with me one-on-one

+ Read the Transcript

"This is so much fun," my said friend said to me as we walked through the Local Arts Fair on an early summer day. The place was buzzing, and it was fun to be out and about. I smiled and nodded. It was a beautiful day, but all I could think was WHEN I have a life partner, THEN this would be awesome.

I spent most of my 20s and 30s living that phrase. No matter what I was doing, it was always WHEN I have a life partner THIS will be better.

I also had other WHEN-THEN's. WHEN I am thinner, more accomplished, less busy, more present, in better shape, THEN I will be happy, peaceful, content, etc. WHEN I get THERE, then I will be happy. But the When I find a partner THEn everything will be better was my catch-all. A life partner was going to be my saving grace. Every problem I had got lumped into not having a life partner.

We live our lives in When Then statements. We spend too much of our time waiting, hoping, wishing for our broken selves to be fixed so THEN we can be happy.

What if you aren't doing anything wrong? What if happiness isn't something you attain permanently? What if you are thinking about it wrong?

"You're listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith."

All this month, we have been talking about the ways the self-help industry keeps those of us with HFA stuck. When-Then thinking is one of the most toxic. The challenge with When Then is that it keeps you from accepting yourself, it keeps you from living in the moment, and most importantly, it keeps you chasing something outside of yourself. People with HFA don't trust themselves. I mean, why would they? Most people with HFA believe most of their personality needs to be fixed. So the When-Then combo is an easy one for them to follow.

It doesn't have to be something as specific as my when I find a life partner. It could be when I get better organized when I have a regular meditation practice when I stop people-pleasing or procrastinating.

When-Then thinking is a trap. AND it is a favorite phrase for those of us with HFA. At our core, we believe we are broken, so part of our identity is the need to improve.

We also love checklists. Tell me what I need to DO to improve, and I will do it. That is the attitude I had for much of my adult life. But then I realized it isn't about WHEN or SOMEDAY it is about who I am now. I have to be kind to this person I am right now not when I check everything off the list or BECOME my dream person.

If you think about it, it is less about who you want to become and more about not liking who you are now. People with HFA are in perpetual motion. So when I say to my clients, what if you are already there? What if this person is who you will be forever? They always look at me disappointed. This is why in episode 101, we talked about Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance is key to breaking up with When Then syndrome.

But something else is missing. It is more than just radical acceptance. We need to change the goal.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychologist and researcher in the field of happiness and positive psychology suggests that we put too much emphasis on our initial experience. So we believe the when/then mentality and WHEN we are happy, then everything will be blissful and greatly. But happiness never lasts. On the flip side, we believe when something goes wrong, THEN we will be always miserable. So the first myth is the when/then. When I get married--when I have a baby then I will be happy. And the 2nd myth is if we are unhappy, it will last forever. If we get a divorce, make the wrong choice, etc THEN we will be miserable. We get wrapped up in that black and white thinking, clutching like mad to the idea of happiness at any cost.

What if the point isn't happy? What if the point isn't to be content? Or to find peace or anything positive at all?

What if the point of life is to experience it? Experience life and all it's messiness.

As I say that, my whole body exhales.

For too many years, I clutched tightly to the reins of life. I didn't want to experience life I wanted to master it. Winning, doing it right, shifting my attitudes, building my skills that was the goal. Beating my anxiety, conquering my Monger (aka inner critic) were the goals.

We get so caught up in the surface. We miss the depth of life. We concentrate on the happiness of a wedding and the bliss of a honeymoon. We miss the juicy underbelly of the depth that comes when you lean into your spouse and get curious rather than scream and yell at them. Or when the doctor says your spouse has a cancer diagnosis and you lean into him/her and say, "we got this." When you wake up tired and exhausted from minimal sleep due to a sick baby and your spouse hands you a warm cup of coffee, that is happiness. But we miss that because we are so caught up in permanent happiness.

I still default to grabbing the reins, I still default to telling myself when-then but now I know that is a myth. That thinking sends me down a spiral where I miss out on my life.

Now I am going to be honest, this way of living is a bit counter-cultural. Living your life based on experiencing as much as possible rather than chasing happiness goes against all most all the Instagram quotes, self-help advice, and personal growth memes out there, which instruct you HOW to live. Those of us with HFA don't need any more instruction. We are drawn to it like moth's to a flame, but it is counter to what helps.

You don't need more directions coming from outside of yourself, you need to get to know what is going on inside of yourself. It starts with replacing the value of happiness with the value of experience. When you replace the value of happiness, you are no longer drawn to the myths that Sonja discussed. You won't make decisions based on if you will immediately feel happy or unhappy. Instead, you will make decisions based on the opportunity to experience life.

And as far as my life partner, yes I did find one. And he is amazing. AND he definitely isn't the answer to all my problems. He did not fix me. In fact, he brings all his problems issues to the table. If I had one wish it would be to go back to my younger self and say live your life. Partner no partner, it isn't better it is just different. Don't miss what you are doing, thinking that will fix you.

Rather than beating yourself up for never getting married, because happy people are married. You will recognize that life isn't a bunch of check-boxes, life is daily experiences, minute by minute of talking, seeing, soaking up life. There is no when then there is just now. And when we just when-then we miss the depth that comes from truly living. And that depth, isn't guaranteed happy, that depth includes sadness, exhaustion, joy, anger, peace, doubt, fear, bliss, contentment, in one big messy experience

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It's no secret that I have a bone to pick with the self-help industry. The solutions it sells leave women living with hidden anxiety--women like you--with more stuff to be anxious about. Or worse, it turns you off from getting help completely.

I want to help you dial back the overwhelm and overthinking with a set of tools designed just for people like you. It's not woo-woo. It's not trying to positively think your challenges away. And I'm certainly not going to tell you to start living your best life.

I work one-on-one with women like you to deconstruct why anxiety creeps upon you and give you something to do about it.

Here's how it works:

First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.

Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I'll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you'll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.

Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.

One of my clients said: "It is extremely powerful to have professional advice and wisdom every single day. Being able to get support in real-time on anything you are worrying about or having panic attacks about or things that you struggle with daily has led me to managing my anxiety much better and helped me see what works best for me when I try to manage it. I found that it is just as—if not more—effective as one-on-one sessions."

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Episode 104: Self-Loyalty Starts With Better Self-Care

In today’s episode, I take a closer look at self-care and how it isn’t just yoga, bubble baths, and breathing apps. Self-care done well is the ultimate in self-loyalty.

Recently my husband had an extended hospital stay. 

The number one question I received from my well-meaning friends and family was: How are you going to take care of yourself while he is in the hospital? 

“The best I can,” I told them. But this just did not satisfy their curiosity. 

They wanted to hear about all the bubble baths, yoga, and meditation I had planned for this stressful time. But I knew better. There wasn’t a bubble bath in the world that was going to make this easier. 

My husband was in the hospital. It was going to be stressful. I didn’t know what to expect. The self-help industry's idea of self-care wasn’t going to be any help.  I was simply going to do the best I can.

All this month we are looking at how the self-help industry has sold us a bunch of toxic information. And for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety who love looking outside of ourselves for the answers, this toxicity is especially troubling.

In today’s episode, I take a closer look at self-care and how it isn’t just yoga, bubble baths and breathing apps. Self-care done well is the ultimate in self-loyalty.  

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How the idea of self-care has gotten out of control

• The 3 main issues of self-care are for people with HFA

  • How we associate busyness and stress with prestige and status

  • How we have made self-care synonymous with self-indulgence

  • How we wrongly believe that we are undeserving of self-care

• How we can go about building self-loyalty

• And what we can do to define self-care for ourselves

Research and resources mentioned:

• The Journal of Consumer Research on busyness and lack of leisure as a status symbol

• My books on living with High Functioning Anxiety

• And how you can work with me one-on-one

+ Read the Transcript

Recently my husband had an extended hospital stay. The number one question I received from well-meaning friends and family was, How are you going to take care of yourself while he is in the hospital? I replied, “the best I can.” And they always persisted, “no, really how”? I felt like they wanted me to say, “well, I will start each day with yoga and then use a calming app throughout the day to make sure my breathing is normal, and then I will make sure at the end of each day I will take a bubble bath.” I mean, come on?!? My husband is in the hospital. It is going to be stressful. I don’t know what to expect, and I am going to do the best I can. The idea of Self-care has gotten out of control. It isn’t just yoga, bubble baths, and breathing apps, self-care done well is the ultimate in self-loyalty.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

This month we are looking at how the self-help industry has sold us a bunch of toxic information. And for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety who love looking outside of ourselves for the answers, this toxicity is especially troubling.

These caring, loving people aren’t trying to be difficult. I believe they have fallen prey to the self-help’s toxic definition of self-care. Which is no matter what is going on around you if you do enough self-care you will always stay zen and calm. This just isn’t true. First thing, Let me put your mind at ease, you aren’t doing self-care wrong, we just have a warped definition of what self-care is.

So how did I do self-care during my husbands hospital stay? I regularly took breaks to chat with close friends and family and usually walked around the hospital while I was chatting, I set up a caring bridge site so I didn’t have to update everyone all the time, I went home each morning and cooked a good lunch for my husband and I. I would turn on some music, dance around the kitchen to blow off steam and cook us a good lunch. I love cooking and good nutrition can be hard to come by at the hospital. So my version of self-care looks very different from the yoga and bubble baths, but it works for me. Because it is mine.

For the sake of this episode, I am defining self-care as consistently checking in with yourself and making sure you are taking care of your needs. Self-care can look like taking a walk, reading a book, eating a chocolate chip sundae, saying no, having a drink with a friend, cooking a healthy meal, finishing a project that has been bugging you for a while. In fact, self-care can look like anything at all as long as it is something you want to be engaging in that brings you peace and or joy.

I believe there are 3 main issues with Self Care for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety

So the first issue for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, self-care is usually the LAST thing on the list. We are so busy doing and checking things off the list, we forget about self-care. Which is probably why so many people kept asking me about it before my husband went into the hospital. This is also why it is so important to expand the definition of self-care from yoga, meditation and bubble baths to something with a bit more wiggle room.

When we do practice self-care we make it yet another SHOULD on the list. Self-care becomes something we have to WORK on instead of something we just DO. Rather than making it a practice to regularly check in with ourselves and see how we are feeling, and what we might be needing we push and push ourselves to the point of breaking and THEN we WORK on self-care.

In fact, Journal of Consumer Research has published research showing that Americans associate busyness and stress with prestige and status. How impossible is that? We SAY we want to be less stressed, to find more joy but we equate busyness and stress with prestige and staus

We use Fitbits and Meditation apps all in the quest for self-care. But for those of us with HFA they become another thing for us to monitor and compete against ourselves and others on. Self care requires no money. It doesn’t have to be the latest app, class or weighted blanket. Self care is simply listening to your self with kindness.

The second issue is that because we are so uncomfortable giving to ourselves we have made self-care and self-indulgence synonymous. We overspend, overeat, over drink, and over device all in the name of self-care.

Yes, self-care is individualized and it is also nurturing. Self-care doesn’t give us a headache or stomachache the next morning. It doesn’t cause our anxiety to fly through the roof because we ran up our credit card or have a hangover. Self-care is gentle, kind and nurturing. Somewhere we learned that self-care is supposed to make us happy at the moment, but in reality, self-care might not make us happy at the moment and still might be the best thing for us. Every morning my dog wakes me up bn 5:30 and 6am. Every morning I think Ugh, I wish he didn’t do this. He greets me with his tail wagging and is so excited to go on his walk. We walk through the streets of our litte town usually not seeing a soul because it is so early. Every day I dread our morning walks, and every day I LOVE our morning walks. They make me feel better, they give me time to think, the allow me time to bond with my dog, and sometimes we can catch the most glorious sunrise. This is self-care, I don’t bound out of bed excited to face the day and see the sunset. But I know on the days I walk the dog, I feel better, and my day goes better.

The third issue I have found with my clients and myself with High Functioning Anxiety is we get caught up in deserving. When there is something we enjoy or activity that makes us happy we tend to put off doing it. Sounds crazy right? But I bet you can relate. Have a stack of library books on your nightstand? Because one day you will sit outside on your deck and read. Love painting? I bet you dream of one day taking your paints to the park and painting. Know that journaling and working out in the morning helps you feel better and yet you never do it and not because you are lazy but because everybody else’s needs come before yours. We procrastinate and put off what gives us energy. We tell ourselves one day, once everyone is out of the house or when we deserve it THEN we can do the thing we love. This isn’t about deserving, this is about being human and living a life where you get to do things you love.

Usually, at this part of the episode, I give a strategy or for practicing the subject at hand.

Today’s tactic is simple and easy. The goal is to slow down the go-go-go mentality so you can check in with yourself and start building self-loyalty. Self-loyalty means checking in with yourself first before looking to the outside world for direction and advice. Self-loyalty means you know what you feel, want, need, desire and hope for. For many people with HFA self-loyalty is a mystery. They have spent so much of their lives running away from their thoughts, feelings and needs being curious about them feels downright wrong. So today I am going to share some simple tips for building self-loyalty so you can engage in more self-care.

Set the alarm on your phone to randomly go off a few times a day, or create a ‘rule’ that every time you get in the car, hit a stoplight or hang up the phone you have to check in with yourself. Whenever you hear the alarm or do one of the rules Ask yourself how do I feel? what do I need? Or engage in the 5 senses meditation. When your alarm goes off, ask yourself what do I see, hear, feel, touch and taste? You can do it with your eyes open and it can take as little as 30 seconds to as much as 30 minutes...it is up to you.

Building self-loyalty is a key part of getting out from under the constant search to better yourself. Learning how to create unique individualized self-care rituals can help you reduce anxiety and be more engaged in your life.

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It’s no secret that I have a bone to pick with the self-help industry. The solutions it sells leave women living with hidden anxiety--women like you--with more stuff to be anxious about. Or worse, it turns you off from getting help completely.

I want to help you dial back the overwhelm and overthinking with a set of tools designed just for people like you. It’s not woo-woo. It’s not trying to positively think your challenges away. And I’m certainly not going to tell you to start living your best life.

I work one-on-one with women like you to deconstruct why anxiety creeps up on you and give you something to do about it.

Here’s how it works:

First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.

Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I’ll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you’ll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.

Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.

One of my clients said: “Having this seemingly on-demand access to Nancy helps me build awareness around my feelings and manage my anxiety with real time feedback. And honestly, the mere fact that I can contact her anytime creates a feeling of awareness and reassurance that’s been invaluable.”

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