Episode 113: Managing the Long Road Of High Functioning Anxiety
In today’s episode, today I wanted to share the experience of living with High Functioning Anxiety from the perspective of one of my clients.
I can talk about the Voices In Your Head all day long.
I work with clients every day living with High Functioning Anxiety. I live and breathe this language and these techniques.
The Monger, the BFF, Your Biggest Fan–I literally wrote the book.
But today I wanted to share the experience of living with High Functioning Anxiety from the perspective of one of my clients.
Michelle Steinhour came to me a few years ago consumed with self-doubt, insecurity and constant questioning. It was showing up in her marriage and in her work. She was looking for practical strategies that would help her feel less doubtful about herself.
I introduced her to my Coach in Your Pocket and Michelle has seen a big shift in her anxiety. But, as she reminds us in today’s episode, it’s a life-long process.
Michelle is in the trenches. She’s making the shifts and doing the work. She’s walking the path of the Happier Approach every day by listening in to the Voices In Her Head and reminding them who’s really in charge.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How Michelle manages her BFF and Monger.
What she has done to encourage the voice of her Biggest Fan
Some of the biggest changes she has seen since hearing from her Biggest Fan more often
How the support from her spouse has made a big difference
Why planning to have kids has made her love this work even more
+ Read the Transcript
Intro: Michelle: I'm happy that I have more of a coping mechanism for my anxiety, because it was really running my life, 2, 3, 5 years ago. And now I feel like the anxiety is there. I'm living with it, but it's not running my life.
Nancy: Michelle came to me a few years ago, looking to feel less doubtful of herself.
She was consumed with self-doubt insecurity and constant questioning. It was showing up in her marriage and in her work. Today, she's doing the work and living the happier approach. She's listening in to the voices in her head and reminding them who is really in charge. But as she said, it's a lifelong process.
It's easy for me to talk about the voices in your head, the monger, the BFF, and your biggest fan. I wrote the book. I work with clients every day on practical strategies for living with high functioning anxiety. I live and breathe this language and these techniques, but today I really wanted to share Michelle, in her own words, she's in the trenches and walking the path of the happier approach every day.
Your listening to the happier approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.
Recently Michelle started working with me via my coach in your pocket and has seen a big shift in her anxiety. I wanted you to hear her very human story, someone that is in the trenches, making the shifts and doing the work.
Michelle and I talk about how she manages her BFF and her monger, how having support from her spouse has made a huge difference. The biggest changes she has seen since hearing from her biggest fan more often, and why planning to have kids has made her love this work even more.
Michelle. I'm so excited to have you here. Thanks for taking the time to come and chat with me. I wanted to get a real life person's perspective on the three characters that we've been talking about this month. And so the first one we're going to start with, logically, is the monger and I know you have a special name for your monger.
Michelle: yes, I do. I had almost forgotten about that actually. Yes, that wonderful. My friend, the monger, I call her Gerdy. yes. I don't know why, but it just came to me one day. I was like, she sounds like a Gerdy, just, yeah. Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah, so I don't, yeah, just that like pesky little voice that just comes up and yeah.
And Gerdy just fit it. I'm like, oh, darn it. Gerdy you little, just one of those voices. I'm like, no, not again Ugh. Beat me down. So yeah, that's the name for her?
Nancy: I love that. So tell me, how does Gerdy show up? Can you give me an example from recently,
Michelle: I teach classes in the evening sometimes which is super fun.
And actually recently probably the most recent example where Gerdy was just like, oh no, Michelle you suck. Like you're just, you're not going to come out from this. Was I was teaching class and we give surveys to our students to see how the class is going. See if they like it, if they hate it. If they're feeling challenged unchallenged and so my boss emailed me and I teach with a couple other people.
So emailed the group and said Hey, thank you for doing the surveys. We got the surveys back from the students and a couple of them are feeling unchallenged and are not really liking the class. I just wanted to have a meeting with y'all to see if there was some way we can brainstorm to challenge those kids.
And Gerdy told me, she was like, oh no, Michelle, you suck. Like you haven't been doing enough in class, your lesson plans stink, your collaboration, stinks with these teachers. Like all of it is just terrible because these surveys came back. Like you should just hide in a hole and not teach again. And that was genuinely the reaction I have when I read this, I was like, oh my goodness.
And the words were pretty much what I said, just Hey, is there some way we can brainstorm challenging them more. My boss wasn't mad. It was just a statement. And I, all of a sudden was bawling on the couch, reading this email,
Nancy: (Laughing), I'm laughing in understanding, not laughing at you.
Michelle: (laughing) Yes, I appreciate that. Then, my husband walks in and he's what's going on? I'm like, I just got this email. Oh, I don't know what to do. And he was like, okay let's take a step back here. Let's not think so black and white yeah. What can we do, what do you think might help these students in this class?
And, yeah, so that was really helped me step out a little bit where I'm like, all right. Gerdy. Yeah. Now this is just one class, just a couple surveys. But yeah, but it happens so quickly for me, at least that sometimes I don't even know, that the voice is turned up so loud for me.
Until I'm bawling on the couch and I'm like, wait a second.
Nancy: Yeah. I know that Isaac, your husband is, has become a big help to you in, and I think spouses really can be and helping us pull back the blinders, so to speak. How has that. How has that evolved? How have you guys, grown together?
Michelle: Oh yes. I am not going to lie in the beginning. It was awful. Cause I was just so far down in the hole and the rabbit hole of the monger that I just couldn't even come out. And sometimes in the beginning when he would say kind things are like, Hey, let's think this through. Or what if this, I would just be like no, Isaac, you're wrong. How dare you not say that I suck too. Side note: never say that husbands (Laughing)
Nancy: (Laughing) that's a cardinal rule.
Michelle: But yeah. And then so slowly with The work that I guess I have been doing with the Monger noticing her voice more and asking Isaac for what I need a lot of times too.
We have gotten into this groove where both I recognize it more and he recognizes it more. And I think I've helped him along that path of saying, “Man, I just really like I think this is the monger.” And I would explain Gerdy to him and he's oh, okay. Okay.
So now like I would point it out to him and he can recognize it along with me a little bit. And that's taken a while too. It's not oh yeah, day one. And now it's been years. But now we're on such a better groove where he says, “Hey, like you definitely don't suck. This is the monger. Let's not look at it in black and white and you're doing this great and that great.”
And I can finally also listen to him much better and be like, “oh, okay. Yeah. You're right. Let's consider that instead of totally shutting them out. “
Nancy: Yeah. Because I think it's you so want to believe what the Monger's saying that sometimes it's hard to get that perspective.
Michelle: Yes, Yes because it makes so much sense in the moment.
Nancy: Yes, exactly. And it was interesting. I did a presentation a few months ago and. The spouse, came up to me and said, my wife has a Monger. That's so loud. And he's said, “I look in the mirror and I see myself and I'm like, yeah, you look pretty good. and I'm overweight and short., I know I have some issues.” he said, “but I look at my pretty good, you did a good job with what you have and she looks in the mirror at herself and she only sees bad. She would never look in the mirror and say, it looks pretty good.”
Oh. And he said ,”that's just so foreign to me.”
And as someone who always looks in the mirror and, doesn't say it looks pretty good. I was like, oh, what would that be like to look in the mirror and to think. You look pretty good.
Michelle: Yeah. That's so true. Yeah. I do think about that with other people too.
Cause I'm like, oh my gosh. I would never tell so-and-so Ugh. yipes. It's such a foreign concept to be just as loving to ourselves as we are to our spouses and friends, Yeah, so that, yeah, that's difficult. Yeah.
Nancy: Okay. So one of the things, one of the ways, and you know this already, but one of the ways the monger shows up is, or we can recognize, we know the monger's playing there is when we have a 10 reaction to a two situation.
Michelle: Yes. Sorry. I laugh because for the longest time I had no idea. I was like, no, I'm totally not having a 10 reaction, but anyway, that's why I laugh.
Nancy: So the question is given that is something that I know you've worked on a lot can you give us an example of that? Just any time you've had a 10 reaction to a two situation.
Michelle:. Oh man, I am not going to lie. It happened today where I was like,
maybe I'm not the best person for this interview.
Nancy: That's awesome not for you, but it's awesome that you recognized it.
Michelle: Yes, I did. And it took me. Pretty much half the day. It started at the beginning of the day. So I guess, long story short this Christmas party at work change days.
So there were some people that couldn't make it one day. And they were like, Hey, can you do a Wednesday instead? And I was like, oh, No I have something that evening. Let me try to move it. I think there'll be okay if I try to get out of this thing I had in the evening, but I'm not sure. Let me text three people and ask them, let me text my husband and see what he thinks.
And it was all about this Christmas. And I was just legitimate freaking out. I couldn't do my work today. I was just so unfocused and just worried about, should I miss the Christmas party? Should I miss this other commitment in the evening that I had? I'm not sure. And then all of a sudden, the middle of the day, I was like, wait a second.
This is a Christmas party. This is one day. And you just went through all the list of I'm sure either way it happens that if I end up having to miss this prior commitment, I'm sure they'd understand. And vice versa. If I was like, really, they can't find another person I have to be there.
It's all gonna be okay. But I had to laugh at the end of the day. I was like, oh my goodness, this is just one evening. And it's for some sort of Christmas, it's not even like a. A crazy thing. Yeah, so it took me all day, but I pulled out of it. Yeah. So it's just funny how those get us though, that it's oh my gosh, this is such a huge deal.
And I think we talk about the like high energy a lot and all day it's just that high spinning energy.. I think that's why I stayed in it first or why I tend to stay in the 10 reactions so long. Cause I feel like we love the feeling of that, go and constantly turning and ah and then when I finally accepted, I was like, either way, it's going to be fine.
There was just that moment of silence and calm. I was like, yeah what is there to think about now? I have to go back to my word. Yes.,
Nancy: yeah. Cause that is the benefit of that high energy is that it keeps you here. Spinning and thinking and who should I call and what should happen and did a lot.
And so it's, so the drama, yes, it really is. And to recognize that you're in the drama. It is challenging.
Michelle: Yes. And I have to attribute that to just practice too. I've even gotten my husband on board with that where he's says, “I'm pretty sure this is a 10 reaction and I'm going to give you that it's maybe a three or four problem.”
Like we have that lingo. Which is totally awesome
Nancy: . Yeah. Cause that can be challenging for the spouse to say, I think this is a 10 reaction because sometimes you're so into it. You're like, no, this is NOT. (laughing)
Michelle: . Yeah. (Laughing) Some days are definitely better than others where I'm like, no, shut up. You're wrong,
Nancy: ,God love them.They're treading on thin ice with they approach that. But my husband does it to me too so REALLY!?! Is this really that important. And sometimes it can come out at them, at our spouses that we can have the 10 reaction to something they did. I'll do that a lot.
I use this example a lot. My husband doesn't consistently clean ALL the dishes in the sink. He has some idiosyncrasies around dishes let's say, and it really doesn't bother me, but it will become a 10 reaction.
If there's something else bothering me, I will totally take it out on the fact that he doesn't do the dishes. That will be the thing I get frustrated about
Michelle: Oh yes. Oh, you know what? That makes me feel so much better though, because poor Isaac, honestly, I have the same. If something is funky or I'm having anxiety about something unrelated. I'll be like, you know what? I just can't do everything around here. Isaac, I'm vacuuming. And nothing was dirty. Nothing was, we didn't need anything cleaned, but yeah, I totally get that.
Nancy: Yeah. So the hard part about recognizing the 10 reaction to a 2 situation is then to ask “well what's really going on. What's really underneath this the hopped up energy? And so that's where I think that is a harder oh, you harder thing to do, like it's because then you really got to get clear and start facing what's going on. Start facing. Yeah.
Michelle: The toughest part acknowledging. Yes, unfortunately. Yeah. Yeah.
Nancy: Okay. So the next character that we talk a lot about is the BFF, and that seems to be the hardest one for people to really identify. They know when I describe it, everyone's oh yeah, totally. I totally get what you're talking about, but when you're in everyday life, it's hard to pick out.
Do you agree with that? I
Michelle: I do agree cause I, I think for the longest time I was that way as well until I think, I can't remember this specific moment, but there was a specific moment that I was like oh, this is the BFF. It finally clicked. And I was trying to think of another moment that was similar.
For me, that, that comes up like, The BFF comes up. And I thought again at this whole email thing while I was crying on the couch all of a sudden this voice popped in and was like, It's not your fault. It's those other teachers faults. Like they definitely should be stepping it up and they should be contributing more.
And you know what?. And so actually the BFF for me, I know when I'm in that voice when I get really judgy of other people and start naming the reasons that things are, the way they are and in a very spiteful way. I feel like that's a big key to the BFF.
Whereas if I talk to my husband, he'll be like don't be too hard on yourself because this is something extra that you added. You don't have as much time to commit to it is as you want it to. Or things like that. Whereas my BFF would be like, you know what, it's definitely those other people and you know what?
We have too many students in the class anyway. And that's the problem when it's that's not the problem at all.
Nancy: I think that challenge of the BFF is that for a lot of people. And that's why I include her in the book for a lot of people. She is their voice of compassion. You're like the idea of suddenly being like, oh wait, that isn't a good voice.
That voice doesn't have the best intentions for me when, before that was how we got compassion.
Michelle: I'm so glad you do include her in the book. Because, yes. I think the only thing that really tipped me off to her was that I still felt crappy afterwards. And I was like, man, I have named all of these reasons why I am amazing and everybody else sucks.
No, I'm just kidding, but yeah. Yeah. And I still was like, man, this still didn't solve, like I still have anxiety. I'm still worried about this. And I think that was the only thing that really tipped me off to wait a second. And then when you gave her a name, I was like, oh my goodness. Now it's clicking that both of those voices like when they come in together, usually for me that they both just try to, out play each other. I guess the monger and the BFF. Yeah, the monger and the BFF for me, like the monger gets really loud and then the BFF gets really loud and calms me down. But then, yeah, just that black and white thinking, I guess just gets amplified.
And then it's wait a second. Nobody wins here. I'm not feeling like a winner.
Nancy: Because that's what I think is fascinating. The longer I've done this, work with the happier approach, the more I realize it is an energetic thing. Yeah. Because something you and I have been working on is how energetically. You're like, everything's wow, it's really stressful. I don't know what I'm going to do this I am just overwhelmed. And there's just so much going on and, oh my gosh, it's just so exhausting. And, but your voice is way up high and talking, animated fill in the blank.
You could be saying. It's a beautiful day and sunny and gorgeous, but the words coming out of your mouth are negative. The tone is the same as is positive. And so I think, like you said, when your BFF and your monger are talking, you don't feel good. Yes.
Michelle: Yeah There's just that spinning energy and you're right.
That has been something that I've been really trying to work on. Cause I. Very much a oh, everything's fine. Yeah. I got this going on and that, but everything's really good. I'm grateful. I'm saying all the stressors and then yeah, and then later I'm like trying to express my feelings and I just can't because I just keep going oh everythings up here..
And to take it down and really really figure out what's going on and really dealing with those feelings. And that feeling sheet that you have also really helped me it gave me a tool for digging into those feelings and really acknowledging what was going on without judging it too.
Which is just so hard.
Nancy: Yes. Especially when you first start, I think. Yeah. Not judging the feelings is challenging because it's new. I think the pattern is you always want to be able to justify the feeling like I don't, I'm feeling angry. I shouldn't be feeling angry.
Why am I feeling angry? There's nothing to be angry about. Or I'm feeling sad about that letter from my boss about the theater, And to be in the class your teaching and then to be like, I shouldn't feel sad? What's the big deal.?Like we talk ourselves out of it instead of allowing it
Michelle: right.
Yes. Which, and it does like we just don't want to have that pain. Like we don't want to go there cause it does. I mean it hurts. It's painful, it's difficult. But definitely with this work, I. have found through the practice that I would rather go there now because of the long-term effects. I feel like just now in my life, I am able better able to handle those feelings because I know how to process them better through practice.
It really is a huge long-term effect with this work that I'm so grateful and that's what keeps me going through, like trying to choose the okay, let's sit down and just acknowledge what's happening here. Yeah. Yeah. That makes, that makes a lot of sense
Nancy: .What do you do to call in your biggest fan? And it doesn't have to be ask,
Michelle: oh man,
Nancy: Sometimes people have a different way of doing that. And so I'm just curious and if it is ASK, that's great. But if you have a different things, you do what would that be?
Michelle: I know I guess there are a couple of things throughout the years that I'm like, okay, I know I calmed down when I do this, usually taking a walk is a huge thing for me.
And I'm by myself, like taking a walk outside by myself really helps me drop into my body and yeah, getting my body moving for some reason just really helps. With the whole spinning of the mind for me, I don't spin out as much and I can drop down more into my heart and hear that voice of Hey, that sucks that the email, that some kids are not having a good time and are feeling unchallenged like that really sucks.
And let's sit down with our boss and brainstorm a couple ideas. So yeah, taking a walk, getting moving like that really does help for me. And. I'm an introvert. I have to say that up front. But also just sitting in silence, having some really just good white space for me helps me hear that voice a lot better too.
And I don't know if this is okay to say, but my faith is a big part of my life. So God is a big part that I feel like he really helps guide me in that voice of the biggest fan. I have this inner peace too. Which is, it's hard to explain. I always, when I bring that up, I feel like people are like, oh gosh, she's crazy.
But I do have this. I feel like people know it when they feel it, but just my chest tightens a lot when I get anxiety and I get a little bit short of breath. So when I call in that biggest fan voice I do feel my chest drop. I feel like I'm taking deeper breaths. Just my whole chest feels calm and looser, and that, I feel like that starts at least with me with my faith. And God, like I'll talk to God and and that will start to loosen my chest and I'll be like, okay. Things are. Okay. So that's how it plays out for me, at least. I don't know if I described that very well, so yeah, that and the walking that's how I get into my body and silence.
For me just having some silence where I'm not doing busy work Even I can get into that trap around the house where I'm just doing dishes and laundry and oh, I'll think of something else to do in that and that, and I just never sit down and process my feelings. I don't even, I'm like, ah, just to have that silence and sit is really good for me.
And I can hear the biggest fan a lot better than.
Nancy: I think it is such an energy. Even when you were describing the sitting on the couch and how, I that was such a great example of how the monger is you suck, you're terrible. This is, it's all your fault. And then your BFF steps in to be like no, it's everyone else's fault.
Or they've put too many people in the classroom or it's this and this. And then your biggest fan can step up to say, Yeah, there are too many people in the classroom. Yeah. There might be issues with the other teachers and we can figure this out by talking to her and see what she has to say.
Cause she's not threatening us. We're just trying to figure this out.
Michelle: Yes. Yes. That's. Yeah. And that's exactly. I had to go through like the crying. And then, yeah, and then that judgment of everybody else. And then I was like, wait a second. And now with all this practice, I'm like, wait a second. That doesn't really sound right either.
Like with the recognizing the BFF. And then, as soon as I say wait a second, That's not right either. Like that story doesn't really make sense. Then I'll be like, wait a second. I'm like, yeah. There's parts of that story. That makes sense. Yeah, there's a little bit of, maybe we have too many people in the class.
And then that kind of gets me brainstorming yeah, with the biggest fan, yeah. And maybe I can do a better job with collaborating with the other teachers, with the lesson plan. And this still really is hard and it sucks. And maybe I need to ask for help more. And, we were rushed because the technology in the room didn't work and, things like that, that, yeah.
I feel like helped me get to the biggest fan.
Nancy: I do want to hear. If someone's just starting this work, so go back in your brain to when you were just starting, what would be like three tips or however many you want to give to someone to, to help them?
Michelle: Man, that's such a good question.
Gosh, I don't know if this is a tip, but gosh, it always just sucks in the beginning. That's why I think if I would go back and tell myself. Something, I would definitely say Hey, this is a long road. This is not I think you would tell me this and other people would be like it's not going to happen like tomorrow.
And, but I think in the beginning I still believed it would now years later, I'm like, oh yeah, I, this is life man. This is just. This is how it rolls. Like I think we get better at coping with it. And I think your book does an amazing job at giving, us coping strategies and different ways to hardwire our thinking.
And that's. Practice for life is probably the first and second thing. I don't know. It was I had a really big journey I can in the middle of this big journey was a small journey of me really accepting myself .I don't even quite remember how it all came about, but there were a lot of things that I was doing because the monger was just really making me hustle and think that I should be doing things.
And so it's been really exciting to watch myself let go of some of those things that the monger has pushed me and all of these rules that Gerdy has given me. So it's been really. Awesome. I just feel more myself now than I ever have before, which is really awesome.
And I didn't expect that from this work. And then thirdly, it's been really helpful to have somebody to, to work with. I've had you and Isaac has been a huge part of this. I think finding someone to help you find those voices is really important.
Talking to someone and I'd be like, man, I suck at this and that. And they're like, That doesn't sound right. I don't think you suck. And then solely I'd be like, oh my gosh, that's Gerdy again. Oh yeah. I don't really suck at that. So that has been really really powerful and I so appreciate all those people in my life who have helped me out with it.
Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. I totally, I think you can't do this without having someone there pointing it out to you or being able for you to double-check it with
Michelle: right. Yes, I think that is huge
Nancy: Because I think that's, what's so powerful about the Voxer work. Yeah, that it's in real time, you can be checking out that voice instead of a waiting to come into the office.
And it's three weeks later and you've, you've had 50 other Mongo attacks, so who really cares
Michelle: and they're all the same.
Nancy: right?
Michelle: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I think one other thing I would, that was just huge. The long-term effects of this work Anxiety was pretty much just running my life.
Like the hustle was just running my life 2, 3, 5 years ago. And now with this work and with the different voices, I feel like anxiety is there, but it's not running my life. Now I have my life and anxiety comes up and now I can deal with it. Instead of that was my life was the anxiety. Yes. Just all the time.
Yeah.
Nancy: The thing that's amazing is I know you guys are, in the next couple of years, hoping to start a family and that, so often I see clients who are doing this work because they see the anxiety in their kids. And so that you have somewhat figured out before you have kids.
And so raising them, you can help them decipher this stuff is, cause genetics. No offense, your kids are probably going to have anxiety,
Michelle: poor, little darlings.
Nancy: And so maybe Isaac's genetics will win out and it won't be, it won't be the case, but that you have these skillsets in place to teach them. It's just such a victory for you to put, to not really passing this down to the next generation in this, with the same skill sets.
Michelle: That's true that I remember you did say that to me one day and that really hit me cause I was like, wow, I can, I really actually do feel like I'm capable to help them through the navigating that anxiety, which is amazing. I don't think I ever would have said that phrase, a year ago. Yeah. So it's, that's really amazing. Very cool. Cool.
Nancy: Okay. We wrapped up that last little bit in, in good time. So thank you so much for doing this and sharing your personal experience.
I know that's not always easy. And so I really appreciate you being vulnerable enough to hop on here with us and just thank you for having me.
Michelle: You are so welcome.
If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.
Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.
And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.
Mixed messages, am I right?
I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.
And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.
I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.
The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.
Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.
Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!