Episode 026: Stop Obsessing. You Always Have a Choice
Getting stuck in 'shoulds' keeps us obsessing about what is the 'right thing' to do. How to let go of the incessant thinking.
+ Read the Transcript
In my office, there's been a theme around obsessing, spinning out, and getting stuck. One of the top ways that we get stuck in obsessing is trying to find the right answer. So we get stuck in shoulds: you should do this, you should do that; this is how it should go. And so, something that's helped me stop obsessing is first noticing when I'm obsessing. We get stuck in that pattern, and we have a hard time coming out of it. So noticing when we're obsessing and then paying attention to why we are obsessing. Obsessing comes from a rigidity, like I said, of having a black or white answer. It's right or wrong.
And so, an easy, simple example is the debate to get up early and work out or not to get up early and work out. And there's a lot of rigidity in that debate. A good person gets up and works out, and a bad person doesn't. Allowing ourselves a little wiggle room around that is helpful.
And so we can decide maybe I don't want to get up and work out in the morning, or maybe I don't want to, work out in the evening and working out in the morning is better for me or just to give ourselves some wiggle room is one great way to stop that obsessing.
But let's say we decide the best plan for me is to work out in the morning. And so I'm going to work out, three times a week, every morning, I'm going to get up early and do it. And for whatever reason, you wake up on a Wednesday, or the alarm goes off, and you just don't want to get up and work out. You're tired, you went to bed late, and it's been a tough week.
And so you hit the alarm clock, snooze button, and then you lay there, and you start obsessing. "I should get up a good person gets up. I should get up a good person gets up. I'm so lazy. I can't believe I'm lying here." And then the other part of your brain starts chiming in. "No, it's fine. You've had a tough week. It's okay. Give yourself a break. It's okay."
And this goes back and forth. This little war in our heads goes back and forth. And before you know it, it's time for you to get up. So you've missed your workout time, and you've missed any quality sleep that you could have gotten if you would just made a decision.
And that's the danger of obsessing. We get stuck in one way or the other in black and white thinking. And so one way to help stop that obsessing first, like I said, as soon as you're obsessing, so you're laying in bed and you're like, okay, this isn't getting me anywhere. I'm not doing A. or B. I'm just stuck here.
I'm stuck in this obsessing place. If you decide you're going to sleep in, then sleep in wholeheartedly. Commit a hundred percent to sleeping in. If you decide, Nope, I'm going to get up, and I'm going to do a workout. Even if it's just 15 minutes, I'm going to do something, then get up and do a workout, even if it's just 15 minutes.
But the power of recognizing I'm just going to make a choice here. And commit to that choice will stop the obsessing. So the workout example is an easy one. A harder example would be: there's a conflict at work, and there's someone you need to have a tough conversation with, and you're dreading doing that.
And so you're obsessed about it. I should do this. A good person does this. I should have this conversation, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you start obsessing. So catch yourself obsessing and then ask yourself, What are some creative ways to solve this? What are the choices I have here? There are a lot of ways to have the conversation.
There's a lot of timing around the conversation. Maybe it's not a good time to have the conversation right now. Maybe it's better to wait until a later time. It's fair to give yourself some room to brainstorm. Where is it? And when is it, and how do I want to have this conversation?
And then to give yourself a lot of room and compassion around the fact that this is a tough situation and any choice you make will be challenging. Because you're getting ready to confront someone, anytime you're going to do something hard, give yourself some compassion around making the choice.
And then the last thing is, listen to your gut. What's the choice you want to make? And maybe that choice is, right now isn't a good time to have this confrontation, and I'm going to wait. And it's not because I'm avoiding or being passive-aggressive. It just does not make sense to do this. Or maybe you're like, I've been putting this off for way too long. I just need to step up and do it.
But that full engagement, that full intention of I'm going to stop obsessing, and I'm going to make a choice here. That's how we do it. And it involves awareness that we're obsessing. Getting creative and making some real choices here of my options, giving yourself some intention around how do I want to do this? And then pouring on that compassion to really give yourself some room around that this stuff is hard.
So I know when I get stuck in obsessing, finding the right way, and spinning off on black and white, the key component there for me is compassion. When I can give myself some compassion and notice, whoa, you are stuck in black and white thinking here. What's going on here?
Then I can start pulling apart the knot and recognizing there's way more here than just the black and white should or shouldn't; there's a lot of options. And then I can start being intentional about how I want to do it. What's the choice that's best for me. So maybe working out doesn't happen for me three days a week, militantly, maybe one week I do it five days a week. And the next week I do it two days a week or not at all because there's room to breathe there. I have choices because there's more to me than just a robot who gets up at 6:00 AM every morning and works out. There's stuff that happens. And I get home later. I have to go to work early, or something happens.
But the obsessing is doing no good for anyone. It is not helping us at all. So the more we can start building awareness around the obsessing and the shoulds and the shouldn'ts and getting stuck in our to-do list in that go go go mentality.
Often, we're doing that because we're afraid we're going to do it wrong. And so giving ourselves compassion around the fact that this is hard and that's okay, and I'm going to keep struggling, and I'm going to keep doing it.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Give Voice To Your Inner Critic
Something people frequently ask me is how do I deal with my inner critic? One of my favorite ways is to give it a voice. So when I am in the car, or somewhere alone I will talk to myself out loud from the voice of my inner critic. I confess that voice is usually pretty nasty, but hearing it out loud makes me realize how nasty it is and allows me to give myself compassion much more quickly. We get so use to our inner critic talking to us in our heads that we rarely notice it. So by saying the words out loud, we hear them in a whole new way.