The War of the Wants and the Shoulds

What if the possibilities were endless? What if you could do whatever, whenever, wherever?

This is the question I keep having with myself concerning how I want to spend my time next weekend. You see, next Saturday, I will be celebrating my 39th Birthday!! Next Thursday, my nearest and dearest leaves on a five-day boys weekend to celebrate a friend of his 30th Birthday. So I have the whole weekend to myself, and I can't for the life of me figure out what I want to do with my time. As a side note: Yes, I am sad that my nearest and dearest won't be here ON my Birthday, and quite honestly, that is how I would want to spend the day--but I am excited for him to get to hang with his friends whom he doesn't see very often and we will have many weekends in February to celebrate!

I have thought about taking a trip, hanging with friends, throwing a party, renting a party bus, staying home to chill, and going on a meditation retreat. I feel I should be social, get out of the house, I should take a trip, go someplace warm, really whoop up my 39th and kick off my last year in the 30s with a bang. Bottom line, I have choice anxiety. I am overwhelmed by too much possibility.

I think this frequently happens to us in our lives. We get overwhelmed by decisions about what to do next.

First, we think about all the options I could go back to school, I could move to Jamaica, I could stay at my current job and ask for a raise, I could move companies and do the same job, or I could do nothing. Yep, the possibilities are endless.

Then we think of all the shoulds. I should be making more money. I should be responsible. I should stay where I am for the kids. I should have a Masters's Degree. I should study something appropriate and on and on and on.

More often than not, we choose the do-nothing option. Not because it is what we want necessarily, but because it is less painful. Frequently the wants and the shoulds are contradictory, and we can spin and spin and spin on all the options, contradictions, and possibilities, so we stay put. Doing nothing. Sometimes that is ok. Sometimes the timing is off, we know WHAT we want to do, but it isn't the right time, we don't have the appropriate funding, we aren't quite ready yet, the kids are too young, or we need to do some more research.

The danger comes when we aren't intentional about what's happening, when we stay stuck, not because it makes sense but because the battle between the options and the shoulds is too great when we go back and forth ad nauseum.--as I have been doing on my how to spend my Birthday debate. It isn't that I don't know what I want to do. It is that I think I should want something different.

I don't want to have a big ring in the 39th celebration--(like I think I should). I don't want to plan a trip and organize (or pay for) flights, hotel dinners, etc. (like I think I should). I want and crave a quiet weekend at home--just me and our pets, watching movies, reading books sleeping in, and eating yummy food. Is it what I think I should want? No. But that's ok. The minute I was honest with myself, the decision came to me and the reason it was so challenging. My shoulds were louder than my wants. So frequently, we are stuck because our shoulds are louder than our wants--and when that occurs, it is next to impossible to move forward until we can be honest with ourselves.

Whether the decision is large or small, impacting the long term or short---whenever we are listening to the voice of the should, we will remain stuck, and we most definitely will not be living happier.

The Danger of Comparison

 Let's say you are struggling to make a life decision. You have been debating it for a while, and you just can't figure it out. You decide you need to do some research, figure out the best way, the right answer, see what other people are doing. You get on the internet, or you ask those around you, "Have you ever experienced _____ ?" or "What would you do if you were me?" And before you know it, you are inundated with advice, insight, information. Your head starts spinning, you've lost all perspective on what YOU want, and you find yourself stuck, no closer to a decision and more confused with what is the right path.

I confess I am guilty of the above, looking outside of myself for the right way or comparing myself to others to see if I am ok. To some extent, this is human. We all want to fit in. We need other people to help us. We need the guidance of people who have been there before or know us well.

And to some extent, this leads to self-sabotage. When comparing ourselves to other people or looking to others for advice makes us feel bad about ourselves, incompetent, insecure, or feeling like we are doing it 'wrong,' we have crossed into the danger zone of comparison. There is always someone out there who is doing it different, better, smoother, easier, and with more finesse. But there is only one YOU...there is only one person who has your unique set of needs, skills, life circumstances, gifts, and challenges. Yes, we can go out into the world to see what others have done or are doing, but we always need to bring that information and check it with our unique situation.

Too often, I get online to see what other coaches and counselors are doing, or I look at my friends to see the 'proper way to handle a particular situation. When I am doing this too much, I lose sight of what I want, what makes me passionate about my business, or what makes me unique is how I handle situations. The point is there is no right. Yes, it is always helpful to seek advice and gather information from those who have gone before us. When that information gathering starts chipping away at your self-esteem or drilling down your dreams, then it is time to stop and ask yourself--do I need more advice? What is it I need here?

Frequently we need a little support, a little compassion, a little gut check to remind us of who we are and what we value. So the next time you catch yourself looking for advice or input, make sure input is what you need, and you aren't getting too caught up in Comparison Danger. Because honestly, all comparing does is keeps us from moving forward towards a happier life.

It Starts with A Good Night Sleep

I am going back to basics. Get your sleep. We are all busy people, jobs, kids, relationships, hobbies, TV shows, lots of stuff we have to do with our time. Unfortunately, in our culture, getting your sleep is not something we value. Sleep is the first thing to go. We stay up late reading, watching TV, working, cleaning, who knows what.

Getting your sleep is invaluable. It allows your mind and body to regroup. It gives your body a chance to rejuvenate for the next day. Sleep is not something that just happens; we cannot expect our bodies to go go go all day right up to the moment we lay our heads on the pillow and then expect to get a good nights sleep. We need rituals and quiet around sleeping.

Most importantly, we need to start valuing it. For many of my friends who all have busy lives, it becomes a competition on who needs the least amount of sleep. Dr. Rubin Naiman has done some studies about the importance of sleep and is a well-known expert on its benefits.

I have a chronically sleep-deprived client--she has three children and a spouse and works full time. She walks into our sessions (no matter what time) with her large coffee and bags under her eyes. We have been talking about self-care and getting sleep for many sessions now. Finally, a few weeks ago, she said, you know what? I just don't value sleep; I have too many things I would rather get done. So I challenged her that IF she got more sleep, she would accomplish more, and her life would be richer. She did not believe me but accepted the challenge.

Ideally, I would have had her take three nights to get as much sleep as she needs. To allow her to go to sleep at the same time each night and wake up naturally, without an alarm. This would enable her body to reset and allow her to figure out how much sleep she needed. However, being the mother of 3 children and working full time, she did not have the time for that activity. We agreed she would go to sleep at the same time each night (at least within an hour of the same time) and try to get between 7-8 hours a night for two weeks. When she came back in, she was not carrying a coffee, and the bags had dissipated. She was smiling from ear to ear and said, you were right--I haven't felt this good in years. I can focus at work and be present with my kids. I am not obsessed with thinking about how exhausted I am or how to wake up or drinking coffee. She said she was amazed at the amount of time she uses to think about sleep!

I am pleased to report--she has continued to keep up her sleep habits. She and her husband have established a ritual around going to sleep, and once the kids go to bed, they dim the lights, fix a hot beverage, and start winding down to get ready for sleep. She said just having the lights dimmed and knowing that it is quiet time has helped her body ease into sleep. In the past, once the kids went to bed, she shifted into high gear: working on the computer, cleaning the house, running from activity to activity. Now she might engage in the same activities, but at a slower, less intense pace, and she has committed to herself that at 10 pm, she will be preparing for bed.

Sleep is about commitment, it is about rituals, and it will help you live happier.