Afraid of the Fall

A few years ago, while visiting one of our closest friends in the Outerbanks, we decided to go paddleboarding. This was my first time paddleboarding, and leading up to the event, I was nervous. My Monger had some objective evidence about my lack of athletic abilities, so she was chatty. In true High Functioning Anxiety style, I didn’t share my anxiety or doubts with anyone. I spent most of the morning in my head jumping back and forth between dreading the event because I was going to be so bad at it and beating myself up for being so rigged and unable to go with the flow.

It was a beautiful sunny day, and we arrived at the rental place early and ready to go. Because of the water temperature, we had to rent wetsuits. I stood in the dark, dingy backroom, designated the dressing room because of the shower curtain hanging from the wall, attempting to squeeze my body into the wetsuit (which is like squeezing toothpaste back into the tube). My Monger was going crazy. Here was proof that I couldn’t do this activity; my body was too big to squeeze into the wetsuit. My lovely husband assured me everyone struggles with wetsuits no matter their size, which was kind but no match for my Monger.

We arrive on the Sound, board in the water, and myself successfully paddling out, on my knees. I was comfortable on my knees and enjoying myself. But my High Functioning Anxiety was not ok with just being on my knees—I had to be standing! I wasn’t good enough to just be on my knees. I need to get the full experience. I managed with much trepidation to make it to standing. We all celebrated. I DID IT! YAY! I was up, and I was paddling, and I hadn’t fallen in.

And then, my feet started to hurt, and I was very nervous about making a move back down onto my knees.

This is where High Functioning Anxiety is so tricky. On the positive side, pushing beyond my anxiety got me out on the Sound. It pushed me through the wetsuit, it pushed me through the getting on the paddleboard, it pushed me through moving from my knees to my feet—all appearing to be positives. But the downside is it got me there through shame, through beating myself up. I was white-knuckling my way across the Sound. This is where HFA did me wrong. Because rather than being fully present with my husband and friend on a beautiful day, I was in my head. I was viewing the whole experience as a challenge, an event to white-knuckle through. Because I told myself I could never do it, when I had success and could paddleboard, rather than enjoying it, I start to get scared it won’t last. So here it is I was doing the thing I didn’t think I could do, and I was doing it well, but I was so focused on doing it perfectly I had lost perspective that this event was supposed to be fun.

It was a beautiful, warmish sunny day. The Sound was glorious and flat, and I was hanging with 2 of my favorite people. Yet, I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

I was frightened by every little wave, every wrong paddle. The longer we went, the more afraid I became.

Finally, my feet couldn’t handle it anymore. I decided to try to get back on my knees again. With my husband and friend cheering me on and after many tentative attempts, I was finally able to –splash! I fell in! Before I knew it, I was completely immersed in the freezing, take your breath away, filled with muck water.

As I climbed back on the board, I couldn’t stop laughing through gasps of air because the water was so cold I kept laughing. It was as if everything shifted. Suddenly the fear was gone; the worst had happened. I practiced getting up and down a few times, knees, standing, knees, standing, and then off we went. I had the best time. The worst was over–I had made a mistake, I had fallen, and I had survived!!

Afterward, my friend said to me, “it’s too bad you didn’t fall in right away, so you could have just gotten it over with and had more time to have fun.”

So true. But in reality, had I just jumped in or forced myself to fall in, it wouldn’t have felt the same. The reason it was so powerful, so mood-altering, was that I was TRYING, and THEN I fell. I didn’t just fall in–I was trying something new, I made a mistake, I fell in, I survived. Rather than just jumping into the water from the get-go, I wish I had taken more risks earlier, tested my balance, pushed my limits.

But more than anything, I wish I had been kind to myself. I wish I had been loyal to myself. I wish while standing in the dark, damp back room, stuffing myself into the wetsuit, I had said to myself, “It is ok to be scared. It is ok to be anxious. This is all unknown, and you are with people who love you. Perfection doesn’t make it fun; being present does.” Because if I would have been kind to myself, taking more risks earlier would have been easier.

I have countless stories like this one—where my HFA pushed me to try something new despite my anxiety. This is the challenge of HFA. It pushes us. It challenges us to push past our anxiety at the price of our self-loyalty, at the price of having fun. The moral of this story isn’t don’t push yourself. The moral is when you push yourself be kind about it. Have your own back—practice self-loyalty.

I Play A Mean Game Of Marco Polo

When I first started dating my husband, Doug, he was the Manager of the Aquatics Department at a local gym. Doug was a competitive swimmer in high school and is passionate about swimming; I mean PASSIONATE. I, on the other hand, see the pool as a place to play. I am very comfortable jumping off the diving board, doing handstands underwater, and I can play a mean game of ‘Marco Polo.’ But what I didn’t know how to do is swim a stroke correctly--I had no idea how to swim the front crawl or the backstroke. So I decided to take lessons from Doug.

Honestly, signing up for lessons had more to do with me wanting to spend more time with Doug and less to do with learning how to swim correctly. I was a treadmill/weights kind of girl, and swimming in my mind was for playing. But if there is one thing my High Functioning Anxiety has taught me, it is how to rise to a challenge.

If the upside was spending time with Doug, the downside was I had to practice my swimming between lessons. Each week Doug would give me assignments for my practice sessions, and occasionally, he would make his way over to my swim lane to check on my progress. Getting to see Doug was a bright spot, but I did not enjoy these practice sessions for the most part.

One week he challenged me to swim 75 meters–without stopping. For those swim novices, that is the length of the pool three times. It doesn’t sound like much, but it is a LOT when you are new to swimming. So me being me, I swam like a bat out of hell for the three laps because I was so afraid I wasn’t going to be able to finish.

When I reached the edge struggling to catch my breath, I looked up to see Doug standing there. He kneeled next to me, “Did you enjoy that?” he asked.

“No!” I replied, between gasps, “That was awful.”

“This is supposed to be fun. You don’t have to white knuckle through it.” He said, smiling, “What I love about swimming is that it is it isn’t about the destination or getting it done. It is about enjoying the strokes and just having fun with it. If you slow down your pace, you can go further and might actually enjoy it!!”

I laughed at him. Not because he was funny but because what he was saying was totally foreign to me. Enjoy the strokes? No need to white-knuckle? Don’t worry about the destination? Just have fun? What nonsense was this man speaking of?! I wanted to embrace this philosophy. I wanted to let go of the pressure to do it perfectly, quickly, and with as little effort as possible. But the concept was foreign.

As I started back across the pool, concentrating on form, trying to enjoy the journey. I could hear Doug’s muffled voice coming from the side of the pool, saying, “relax, relax.” I felt my body relax, and I smiled underwater. Because less than 15 meters into it and I was already back to white-knuckling, and he knew I would need the reminder. This story is one reason my husband and I make a great team—he is lovingly pushing me to enjoy the journey, and I am lovingly pushing him to keep the destination in mind.

With High Functioning Anxiety comes white-knuckling. When my anxiety gets high, white-knuckling becomes a go-to response—holding on for dear life, over-analyzing, looking at the situation from all angles. I can get tunnel vision on my life and my relationships. Because somewhere, I learned the lesson: the tighter I hold on, the more control I have, the happier I will be. The idea of letting go, relaxing into life can feel counter-intuitive.

When I see, I am holding my breath and grinning and bearing life rather than experiencing it. I remind myself to get into my body. To feel my legs, to stand up and stretch. Or do the five senses meditation: What do I see? Hear? Feel? Taste? Smell? Doing a full-body movement, getting into my body helps. Sometimes I need to do that multiple times a day.

By default, I probably won’t ever be someone who enjoys the journey, but now I can recognize when I am white-knuckling. I can picture Doug walking next to my swim lane saying, relax, relax, and I know what that means. I take that as a win.

Mongers, Imperfection, and Anxiety

Living with a Monger who has commentary on everything I do is exhausting. The more she talks unchecked, the more my high functioning anxiety runs rampant. As a result, I have learned unhealthy coping mechanisms to keep her at bay. When my Monger is critical, my first response is to engage with her, debate with her, justify, prove, and defend my actions rather than owning them. I convince myself that explaining the mistake keeps my perfect veneer in place. And if I own the mistake, my Monger will have more fodder to ridicule me and beat me up. In fact, the opposite is true. When I own my mistakes, apologize if necessary or change my behavior, it takes a lot less time and energy and surprisingly quiets my Monger.

Last week as my husband was headed out for the evening dog walk, he asked me a question about dinner. I was watching TV, I usually would pause the TV and listen to him, but I ignored him this time. The minute I realized he was talking and ignored him, I started on my standard path of justifying why I had ignored him. I wanted to hear the show. I just had a few more minutes of the show blah blah blah. And I caught myself and paused, and I said, “I am sorry. I was ignoring you, and you are more important than this tv show.” Fortunately for my husband, it wasn’t a big deal, and we moved on pretty quickly. What struck me about that exchange was a. clearly, I had done something wrong. And b. my first instinct was to justify what I had done rather than own it.

I tend to be late. Even for video appointments, I frequently run up the stairs to my office with minutes to spare. I spent years justifying why I was late, traffic, too much to do, blah, blah blah. Recently, I decided to own it, to stop deflecting and excusing it. I realized I run late because if I am early and I have to sit and wait, my Monger will have a chance to run her negative commentary, which causes my anxiety to go higher. Because I would get so caught up in justifying, I never realized how loud my Monger was when I was early. I owned that realization and started working to change it. Now I try to get there a few minutes early (some days are better than others), and when I get there early, I practice getting into my body and slowing everything down. Being early and actively working on my anxiety takes way less mental energy than justifying, proving, and defending why I was late.

My first instinct was to justify, prove or defend the behavior rather than own it with each of these stories. If I can justify my actions, sometimes my Monger will be quiet. I repeat, SOMETIMES, she will be quiet. The thing is, by justifying my actions, I am still giving her all the power. I am engaging in her debate, and I am keeping the relationship alive. But when I own the mistake or the unpleasant truth, I take my power back. I am no longer dependent on her judgment; I am saying, yep, I made a mistake, and I can own it, make changes, apologize if necessary, and move forward. That is self-loyalty.

My Monger convinces me that the goal is to be perfect, which is impossible. It amazes me that my first response is to protect that perfect veneer and justify my behavior because I am so scared of imperfection. As I said last week, the grooves in our brains are strong. And I battle this pull of perfection and justification every day. But each time I choose to own it, and I see that I won’t fall apart because I am imperfect, I gain a little more freedom.

High Functioning Anxiety and Perfectionism

On the surface, perfectionism doesn’t necessarily sound like a bad trait. In fact, many perfectionists are hard workers, determined, and strive always to improve. Perfectionism does have its downfalls, and for people struggling with high functioning anxiety (HFA), it can seem like a whole new monster.  

Perfectionism and anxiety don’t mix well and can go hand in hand. The combination can be destructive and feel difficult to overcome. It’s important to recognize what high functioning anxiety and perfectionism can do to your mental health and take steps to help overcome the debilitating nature of being an anxious overachiever. 

How Perfectionism Leads to Anxiety

You might tell yourself that you’re just a go-getter and your perfectionism motivates you to do your absolute best. Maybe you even see perfectionism as your secret weapon for why you’re successful.

Those who live with HFA tend to be overachievers, leaders, type-A personalities, and, more often than not, perfectionists. Many of us with high functioning anxiety use coping mechanisms as a means to avoid what we’re actually feeling. These coping mechanisms lead to perfectionism. 

People living with HFA have busy work lives and personal lives, so they don’t have to deal with their underlying thoughts of worry, stress, anger, sadness, and self-doubt. That’s what makes them high functioning, rather than low functioning like more traditional anxiety, where coping often means shutting down and avoidance tactics. 

If you live with high functioning anxiety, you are probably familiar with the feeling of constantly hustling and other common high functioning anxiety symptoms. You may take on too many projects at work or have a fear of telling people no. Above all, you want to make sure that you don’t let others down and, as a result, often put your own needs on the backburner. 

This leads to excessive amounts of stress and worry related to meeting the high standards you set for yourself, which are often well above what people actually expect of you. You may use perfectionism as a way to leave little room for error, and perfectionism actually prevents you from being happy. 

This yearning for flawlessness might be your way of making sure that only good results can be achieved from your work. You’ve thought of every little detail, and maybe you’ve even prepared backup plans in case something does go wrong. But even still, you find yourself often obsessing about these tiny details late at night and feel deep anxiety when things don’t go as planned. 

People with anxiety use perfectionism as a defense mechanism. Others may feel you have high standards when in reality, you struggle with not feeling good enough or adequate enough. Perfectionism quickly becomes a means of self-protection—but actually has more negative consequences than positive ones.  

For people with anxiety disorders, perfectionism can cause you to put unrealistic expectations on yourself and cause an increase in feelings of self-doubt and dissatisfaction. Perfectionism can cause you to feel anxious and start spiraling into negative, harmful thoughts that exacerbate your anxiety.

There are only two options: become perfect or learn how to overcome perfectionism. (And if you’re truly honest with yourself, no one can really be perfect, no matter how hard you try.)

How to Overcome Perfectionism 

Because perfectionistic tendencies tend to fuel our anxiety, we need to tackle them both and get to the root cause. 

For those of us with HFA, using common techniques such as avoiding certain situations and people or saying no may not make you feel like you’re really dealing with your anxiety. The truth is, avoidance techniques that can work for other kinds of anxiety don’t usually work for those of us with high functioning anxiety. I’ve found a few ways as an anxiety coach that actually help you cope and overcome your HFA and perfectionism. 

Recognize The Negative Monger 

When our friends or family are struggling, one of the first things we may do is check in with them, ask them how they’re feeling, and acknowledge what they’re going through. We listen, and we offer kindness. So why don’t we do that for ourselves during periods of anxiousness? 

Check in with yourself throughout the day and ask yourself, “how are you really doing?” And wait to hear the answer.

When we start to acknowledge how we are feeling and treat ourselves with kindness (even if the feeling is negative), it allows us to take better control of it. Part of perfectionism is fueled by negative thoughts and things we tell ourselves, which I call a Monger. When you can help recognize and quiet the negative monger chatting away in your head, you start to set realistic goals and expectations when something has to get done. 

Allow Room for Imperfections

Part of the struggle with perfectionism is that we are constantly facing self-doubt and an overwhelming sense that we aren’t good enough. We often wonder how people will perceive us in certain situations. 

When we feel thoughts about how others will see us, it’s helpful to actually strive to be perfectly imperfect. The more we welcome the idea that we can be great and have flaws, the less pressure we put on ourselves. 

Think about how you would react to a friend’s negative self-talk. You would probably encourage them and remind them that it’s okay to not be absolutely perfect at everything. Having those same dialogues with yourself can help remind you that imperfectness is okay. 

Recognize What Type of Perfectionist You Are

Those of us who are perfectionists express it in various ways. Do you overanalyze every situation? Do you take over group projects because you fear that someone will mess up? Are you a workaholic? Do you procrastinate? Do you over plan? 

The truth is, perfectionism is expressed in many different ways and tends to be individualistic. When you recognize the perfectionist traits that you have, you can address the problem head-on. 

Identifying how your perfectionism manifests itself in your actions can help you develop a plan for dealing with your anxiety related to perfectionism, take steps to prevent yourself from spiraling out, and make your perfectionism easier to manage.  

Talk To a High Functioning Anxiety Coach

Time and time again, my anxiety coaching clients tell me they see perfectionism as a secret weapon or badge of honor that makes them who they are. Without being a perfectionist, they wouldn’t be themselves.

We can’t admit to others that we’re struggling with the anxiety that perfectionism causes because perfectionism won’t let us admit we have a problem.

If that statement resonates with you, but at the same time, you feel the crushing weight of always having to be perfect, you may benefit from talking with someone who can help. 

I offer coaching programs designed specifically for this problem! Living with HFA can feel overwhelming, and doing it alone can be challenging. 

I’ve designed my coaching program to make it easier to talk through your feelings and guide you through coping and how to treat your high functioning anxiety. If you’re ready to start making a change in your life, I’m here to help.

Three Lies People With High Functioning Anxiety Tell Themselves: Part 3

Today I am wrapping up the three lies we tell ourselves. Lately, I have noticed with myself and my clients there are lies we tell ourselves to keep ourselves in the unhealthy cycle of over-functioning---feel anxiety/shame---keep over functioning. We tell ourselves these lies with positive intent: get more done and avoid feeling anxious. But these lies are hurting us and keeping us from healing our anxiety.

Three lies we tell ourselves: 

1. I can break the time/space continuum.

2. I don't need help, also known as asking for help, is a personal weakness.

3. One mistake means we are complete failures. 

We have looked at lie #1 and lie #2

Today let's break down Lie #3: One mistake means we are complete failures.

Ok, rationally, we know this isn't true. We KNOW that makes no sense. And yet, our Monger plays there behind the scenes telling us that everything will be ruined if we make a mistake (she is so dramatic!!). We can see this lie playing out in our behavior. It keeps us trapped in indecision and inaction.

This lie is a sneaky one. It shows up in a variety of ways:

Procrastination: frequently, we don't take any action because we are protecting ourselves from imperfect action.

Over-researching: Looking for the answer out there, someone has to know the right answer, so we search and search before committing to anything.

Going to committee: surveying everyone we know to find the right way.

When you notice yourself engaging in these behaviors or any behaviors that keep you spinning in in-action you can:

Ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? Doubt? Fear? Anger? Confusion? Honor that feeling. Don't judge it for being stupid or unnecessary. Acknowledge the feeling.

Move your Body. Stand up and move your body.

Remind yourself you aren't eight years old. Frequently when I am struggling with fear of making a mistake, I will remind myself I am an adult, a woman in her late 40s who has lots of experience, education, and wisdom. When we get stuck in self-doubt, and our Monger runs the show, she likes to convince us we are young and stupid.

Try to see a bigger picture. There is no right way. Again we know this intellectually but to really believe that to the core of our being is challenging. Pulling back and seeing a big picture, we can see there might be multiple ways to solve the problem, and all of them could be 'right.'

Set a timer for 5 minutes and write down all the possible options. (Setting a timer is one of my favorite tricks to bypass the Monger). ​Pay attention as you write. You will notice which options appeal to you (not which options you THINK SHOULD appeal to you but honestly which options appeal to you. Trust those answers. Too often, we ignore our inner wisdom. We rush right past our Biggest Fan. She is there, quietly inside, waiting to guide you.

Bypassing the Monger and calling in the Biggest Fan requires more than just thinking. We have to notice our behavior, acknowledge our feelings, get into our bodies and brainstorm a bigger picture, all while being kind to ourselves. This is how we build self-loyalty. 

Moving On After a Mistake

One of the themes I regularly hear from my Coach in Your Pocket clients is about making mistakes. We all make them, and we all hear and say wonderful (and yes, sometimes pithy) quotes about the power of mistakes, how mistakes help you learn and grow, and how there would be no mistakes without risk.

Even so, mistakes are still hard. They get our Mongers fired up, they make us feel out of control, and they remind us we are human, which, although obvious, can be a hard thing to admit for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety. All of this can make navigating the aftermath of a mistake challenging.

Life is filled with mistakes: from a wrong turn to marrying the wrong person. Sometimes there is a lot to learn from a mistake, and sometimes the biggest lesson is that we make mistakes, and we need to let go.

Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself rather than getting stuck in blame or right vs. wrong.

1. What am I feeling? 

The tendency is to quickly move into "fixing it" mode, but a huge part of making a mistake is honoring the uncomfortable feelings that come up. Doubt, insecurity, fear, sadness, just to name a few. Give yourself some space to sit in that uncomfortableness for a minute before you move on to the next question. 

2. Is there anything to learn here?

Honestly, look at the situation and name the things you learned (positive and negative). Perhaps it is a failed relationship: What did you learn about the type of people you are compatible with? What did you learn about communication skills? What did you learn about commitment?

3. If I could go back, what would I do differently? Or moving forward, what will I do differently?

Sometimes it is helpful to look at what you could have done to prevent the situation (you know, hindsight being 20/20 and all) and recognize that even though the ending wasn't a win, you still learned a ton. In either case, it is helpful to think about the future and what you will do differently to learn from the mistake.

4. Where was I not being honest with myself? or Where was I not listening to my gut? or Where was I listening to someone else's opinion (aka a "should") rather than my voice?

This happens a lot in relationships, especially. Clients frequently tell me they knew something was wrong before they got married. It happens a lot in careers too. People often tell me they knew their boss wasn't going to work out or they weren't a good fit for the job, but they took it anyway. It is helpful to know where you didn't listen to yourself or where you weren't honest with yourself. Be kind here. This answer is helping you build more self-loyalty; it isn't a right or wrong answer. 

5. What went well?

We often get caught up in the mistake that we forget to acknowledge what went well in the relationship, the job, or the risk. Even if it is just a small mistake, not everything about a mistake is bad. Sometimes we learned how to do it differently or gained insight or learned about ourselves. In every situation, things can go well too, and it is important to acknowledge those things.

Yep, mistakes happen. We all make them. But as the saying goes, it doesn't matter how many mistakes you make; it is the lessons you learn from them. So try.

Make a mistake. 

Feel the disappointment. 

Learn what you can. 

Move forward.

When Rules Become Rigid

"What would you say to watching a movie tonight?" my husband asked on a random Tuesday evening. 

My first thought was no; we can't watch a movie — it is a weeknight, and we have "shows" to watch on the DVR. But I said, "I don't want to watch a movie. Why don't we watch one of our DVR'd shows?" 

He kindly said yes, and as we were figuring out what show to watch and I dismissed a few of the ones he suggested, he asked me, "How do you decide what we should watch?"​

Before I could think about it, I matter of factly explained my system: "I rank the shows into tiers. The first tier is my favorite shows; the second tier is the next favorite, the third tier is Netflix or a movie, and the fourth tier is the DVR shows I don't care about." 

My husband looked at me, stunned. "Wow, I had no idea." 

I laughed and said, "I think I have a system for everything." 

And he said, "Well, not everything. I mean, what about going to the library?" 

And again, without pausing to think, I said, "Well, of course, it depends what you need at the library. Are you looking for a fiction book? A non-fiction book? Doing research or just killing time? Depending on your answer, you have a different path."​

That night I saw on a different level (a.k.a. spiraling up) how much rules and systems permeate my life. And the more anxiety I have, the more rigid these systems become.

Here are a few other ways these show up:

• Your morning routine: doing certain things in a particular order and bonus points if you do them faster than normal.

• At the grocery store: the order you walk through the store, the rules you have for organizing items for check-out.

• How you put away your kids' toys or organize their clothes.

• The order in which you clean the kitchen.

• The tasks you must finish before bed.

These systems themselves are fine. They can reduce our anxiety, give us something to focus on, and be entertaining (my three-tier system for choosing a TV show is hilarious). The problem arises when the rules become rigid and unrelenting when we beat ourselves up for "doing it wrong," even though we created the rules in the first place! When we yell at our loved ones for not adhering to our way. Then they become problematic.

It starts with recognizing our rules, and trust me, this is HARD. We often don't see them because they are so ingrained and have become part of us. Until I said it aloud, I had NO clue I had developed such an intense system for choosing what to watch on TV.

You might only recognize the rules when they get broken or when you notice yourself tensing up over something benign. Then ask yourself: Do I have a rule here? Am I being overly rigid? How can I add a little space here?

Sometimes after I notice a rule, I challenge myself to break it just to do it differently. For example: shaking up my morning routine and doing it in a different order. Loosening up that rigidity and reminding yourself the world won't crumble is helpful.

Special note: Remember to be kind about this practice. Your rules aren't something to shame yourself for; they are something to notice (maybe even laugh at) and loosen up, if necessary.

Who knows, I might even watch a movie this week on a weeknight! Gasp!!

Everything Is Not Your Fault

Those of us with High Functioning Anxiety have very loud Mongers. That inner critic voice is all-powerful and frequently convinces us we have a lot of power too.

According to our Monger, we can:

• get fired by missing one phone call.

• make someone hate us by accidentally forgetting their name.

• lose a friendship of 10 years because we are too busy to call someone.

• scar our child for life by missing one soccer game.

• cause our spouse to fall out of love with us by wanting to go upstairs and read rather than watch TV.

Sounds pretty ridiculous, right? But I am sure you can relate.

People with High Functioning Anxiety are the kindest, most giving people I know—and they also way overestimate the power they have in the world. The truth is when our Mongers convince us that EVERYTHING is our fault, it can give us an over-inflation of our power. 

Here are a couple of ways that shows up:

We catastrophize everything.

The examples above are types of catastrophizing, taking one small incident and blowing it up to be life-changing. Our Monger sure does love extremes!

When you catch yourself catastrophizing (which is hard to do and might not happen until well after the situation), lovingly remind yourself you aren't that important. Think about what would happen if the situation were reversed. Would you divorce your spouse because he/she wanted to read rather than watch TV? Would you fire someone for missing one phone call?

We love to solve other people's problems.

Because our Monger convinces us we are all-powerful, we often believe we can solve someone else's problem before they can. I call this getting in someone else's car.

We do this all the time. Is your husband having a bad conversation with his mom? No problem! You can just call her and make it better. Did your son get in trouble at a school? No problem! You can call the teacher and make sure everything gets smoothed over.

When we solve other people's problems, we hurt all parties involved. When you notice yourself getting in someone else's car, calmly remind yourself you are not all-powerful and get back in your own car.

The next time you hear your Monger trying to convince you it is all your fault, pull back and ask yourself, "Where is the gray here? What is another way of looking at this situation?"

The B.S. of "Love Yourself for Who You Are"

One of the coping skills for people with High Functioning Anxiety is to challenge themselves constantly.

You may believe that as long as you stay busy, keep achieving, and constantly better yourself, then one day, you will be calm, relaxed, and content. Sound familiar?

The problem is that peace never comes. Why? Because as soon as you hit one success, you are on to the next one. This constant push-push-push leaves you feeling forever incomplete. You realize something is always missing.

During your moments of peace and relaxation, you can recognize the insanity of this struggle to constantly improve. You know that you will never reach that magical place of perfection, yet you keep pushing and hustling.

The common wisdom to help people who struggle with this never-ending chase is "love yourself for who you are." As if it is a switch that can be flipped, and you can suddenly love yourself unconditionally.

It reminds me of the time I was in Amsterdam, and a stranger approached me to ask a question in Dutch, and I responded in French that I only spoke English. Telling someone with HFA to love themselves no matter what is how the stranger on the street felt. What? What are you saying? That makes no sense. How do I do that?! It is a completely foreign concept. It is counter to everything you have ever been taught or believed.

So what do people with HFA do when they are told to love themselves no matter what? You take it on as a personal challenge. You try your hardest to do it; you push and push to accept yourself no matter what. And when you can't, you beat yourself up, and then you beat yourself up for beating yourself up because you failed yet again at "accepting yourself no matter what." This brings you back to the conclusion that you can't do it. It is confusing and frustrating because there are so many things you don't like about yourself, lots of areas for improvement, lots of traits that you want to change.

Rather than accepting yourself no matter what, try being kind to yourself no matter what.

Maybe one of the traits you hate the most is how you obsess about your kids and their happiness. When you catch yourself obsessing and thinking, "Ugh, there I go again! I am so annoying. I must be crazy. I just obsess and obsess and obsess..." Instead, be kind.

Smile at yourself and say, "Wow, there I go again. I just love my kids so much. I want them to be 100% safe and happy. But I have no control over that — which is so annoying but true. So is there any action I need to take to help them, or do I just need to let this go?"

Trust me, I understand the challenge of this concept, the foreign language I am speaking right now. Because yes, these traits can be annoying. Yes, you want to change and improve and be perfect. And yes, you know perfection doesn't exist. But shouldn't you still be striving?!

Striving without grounding goes nowhere. Where people with HFA go wrong is the strongly held belief that change only comes from belittling and shaming.

I challenge you to start adding the belief that change can come from kindness. You are not your own enemy. You are your own partner in crime, your own biggest fan, your own cheerleader.

Self-hatred doesn't bring long-term peace and contentment, but self-kindness does.

Never Enough

The challenge with High Functioning Anxiety is how socially acceptable it is — there is a fine line between "normal stress and anxiety" and HFA. Hopefully, these posts will make that line a little more clear.

People with High Functioning Anxiety always arrive early, meet deadlines, and exceed expectations. Sounds healthy, right? We should all strive to be "good people" in this way. The problem is the level of fear and anxiety clients with HFA feel about hitting all these expectations. Here are some examples:

Arriving late to a meeting.

 Carol: Feels bad and apologizes to the group but can move on without much incident.

 Cynthia: Apologizes profusely to the group. She can't concentrate throughout the meeting because her Monger is so loud for being late.

On her yearly review, she receives "Exceeds Expectations" in four categories and "Meets Expectations" in one.

Carol: Takes her husband out to celebrate her four "exceeds expectations" marks! She is pumped that she did so well. 

Cynthia: Wakes up at 3am convinced she might lose her job and obsessing about her "meets expectations" rating. She can't sleep because she has to figure out how to move that to an "exceeds expectations" score.

Fears she won't hit the deadline on her part of the project.

Carol: Tells herself it is fine since no one else has hit the deadline — she is only going to be one day late as opposed to Frank, who was five days late.

Cynthia: Stays up until midnight to finish her project on time. Even though no one cares that she "technically" hit her deadline, Cynthia can sleep well knowing she pulled her weight.

People with HFA have an underlying belief that they are going to be found out. The world will see that they are failures, and they have to push and hustle to make sure that doesn't happen. So mistakes are more confirmation that they aren't okay, and yet praise can't be trusted. The anxiety covers up that underlying belief of never being enough. As long as you are living your life trying to fill that hole with hustle and achievement, your anxiety will never go away.

To deal with your HFA, you have to do all the things it tells you not to do.

1. Acknowledge your feelings. Anxiety convinces us that feelings are bad, but feelings are just feeling, not good or bad. When we can acknowledge them, we start building loyalty with ourselves, trusting our own experience, and honoring our perspective of the world.

2. Slow down and move your body. Our anxiety wants us to stay in our heads, ruminating and analyzing, so we become so wrapped up in our heads that we forget we have a body.

3. Kindly see the big picture. Our anxiety keeps us thinking in black and white or as winners and losers. When we can see the big picture, we can notice that the scenarios we are worrying about have many different options.

When we can recognize the trance our anxiety puts us under, we can start taking baby steps to unhook it and move forward.

Confessions of a Perfectionist

She walked into the room and flopped down on the couch.

"I am exhausted," she said.

"I feel like I can't keep up with everything I have to do. I am snippy with my family. Even when I know, I don't want to be, and I TRY not to be. I am snippy. I feel like I am always behind. I have all these things I want to do, but I never get any of them done. Hell, I feel like I barely scratch the surface of my to-do list. I am just tired of never feeling like enough, never thin enough, never smart enough, never happy enough.”

"You know," she went on, "I have SO much to be grateful for, I am so blessed, and yet I am miserably exhausted. What is up with that?!? Ugh, I am tired of feeling like this.”

Her eyes filled with tears, "I am sorry," she said, "I am just so tired of hearing all day long 'you are not enough'"

Welcome to Perfectionism

This is a combination of conversations I have had with 10 of my past clients. They all share similar symptoms, but their reasons for seeing me were all very different: from job dissatisfaction to body dissatisfaction to relationship dissatisfaction to just overall life dissatisfaction. But at the root of all the dissatisfaction, they were consumed by perfectionism.

More and more in my office, I see the pervasive damming effects of perfectionism. It has gotten so bad that although most of my clients deal with the effects of perfectionism (Low self-esteem, exhaustion, hopelessness, snippiness, having a great life but too tired to enjoy it, to name a few), they would never describe themselves as perfectionists because the societal norm is to be perfect. Or I should say try to be perfect. Because as we all know, perfect just doesn't exist.

I admit perfectionism is my default mode. I lean towards the desire to be perfect. It shows up in my relationships, my work, and my life. More and more, I see it is why I do this work. 

Perfectionism causes us to feel tired, irritable, and dissatisfied because we constantly compare ourselves to an impossible standard. We are holding ourselves to something we just can't achieve, and we wonder why we are exhausted and snippy! To the outside world, perfectionism might show up as calm, cool, and all together. But the ugly underbelly of perfectionism is:

• constantly berating ourselves and our bodies

• frustration with our spouses when they correct us (even if they do it lovingly),

• hammering ourselves that we had the wrong split-second response to our child's question,

• annoyance that once again we made a mistake at work.

This constant hammering, annoyance, frustration, and belittling has got to stop!

Ah, you think, if only it were that easy. And I agree perfectionism is ingrained in our society in our belief systems in our lives.

So what can we do about it?!? How do I work with clients with perfectionism?

As a perfectionist myself, the last thing I want to hear is, embrace the imperfection, yet that is exactly what we need to do.

The key to undermining perfectionism is going back to basics:

Ask yourself: Do I want to live like this? How is perfectionism working for me?

Notice: Every time you notice yourself feeling less than, not enough, or snippy.

STOP, Take three deep breathes and give yourself lots of compassion. 

Let me repeat that since it will be VERY uncomfortable at first:

STOP, Take three deep breathes and give yourself lots of compassion. 

Since compassion might be a foreign concept (I know it was for me), here are some strategies I have found successful.

• Talk to yourself like you would to your child or your best friend. What would you say to their imperfections?

• Place your hand over your heart and remind yourself that you are a gentle, wise soul.

• Speak lovingly to yourself, if you are having a bad day, lovingly tell yourself, 'today is not going too well, it is ok we can get through this.

This constant berating of ourselves for not hitting an impossible standard has got to end. The true beauty of life comes in the imperfections. We see this in nature and our loved ones. It is time we start seeing that beauty in ourselves.

COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION.

Happiness Doesn't Equal Perfection

Perfection is a myth. It's an impossible quest. If I asked you what you loved about your spouse, best friend, or children, you would name all the wonderful traits unique to them. I would wager that none of the traits are rooted in perfection. Often, the things we love most in others are the imperfections that make them unique; their silly laugh, ability to crack a joke at the most inappropriate times, how they look when they first wake up in the morning, etc.

Rationally, we know imperfections are beautiful qualities that we should embrace (in others). We KNOW that what we love most about OTHERS are their imperfections, yet the personal quest for perfection still plagues us. We get caught up in doing it right, not being wrong, and, most importantly, being perceived as having it all together.

So if we KNOW our beauty comes from our imperfections, why do we strive so much for perfection? 

Because imperfection is vulnerable, you probably aren't afraid to show your imperfect self to those who love you, but showing those lovely imperfections to the world feels vulnerable and scary.

The problem is that maintaining the illusion of perfection is a roller coaster ride from hell. There is never an end, never a victory, and there is always more to do. It is the ultimate chase of the ever-moving carrot because we quest for something that doesn't exist. It leaves us feeling anxious, exhausted, and disappointed.

So what can you do about it?

• Get curious about how perfection shows up in your life.

• Start paying attention to where you are questing for perfection. Whether it lies in getting ready for a social event, working on a project for work, or even just doing the dishes, start noticing when you get caught up in the outcome being perfect.

• As you notice the quest for perfection and the when/what triggers it - start actively engaging it. :

• Share your imperfections with someone who cares about you and can provide empathy and support.

• Ask those closest to you to share what they love about you. When you get triggered to be perfect, look at that list and LOVINGLY remind yourself that you are chasing an impossible goal. Lovingly remind yourself that your beauty comes from your imperfections.

In my job, the temptation is to let everyone think I am HAPPY all the time, that my life is perfect. But Living Happier doesn't equal perfection. Living Happier is embracing imperfection. Understanding that shame, anxiety, and fear are all a part of life. It is impossible to rid ourselves of them, but it is possible to build resiliency when they show up.

The Procrastination Problem

Procrastination. I am guilty of it; my clients are guilty of it. We have stuff we want to do, but we don't do it.

Why do we procrastinate? Is it a lack of willpower? A lack of desire? Because we are weak and pathetic? Or is it something else?

Here are a few of my theories.

Perfectionism. When I was in school, I would procrastinate until the very last minute on an assignment. I would be rushing to finish a paper before the deadline (it is still a habit today--just ask my nearest and dearest) Deadlines motivate me. So knowing this about myself, I can then know that procrastination is part of my process. No need to panic, no need to guilt myself or beat myself up--I GET something from procrastinating. AND I also lose something: it drives those around me crazy, causes undue pressure on myself, and most importantly, I don't always give my best product. Part of the reason I procrastinate is as a coping mechanism for my perfectionist tendencies--I can only do as well as the time I have been given. So I have to stop working on the task not because it is perfect but because my time is up. If I start the task 2 weeks before it is due, I will drive myself crazy trying to perfect it, so to cope, I tend to procrastinate. While I am working on letting go of my perfectionist tendencies, I can understand that procrastination is part of the process.

Fear. Change is hard. Even baby step change is hard. If you are scared to tackle a new task, you might engage in procrastination. Because we convince ourselves, it is best not to fail. In an attempt to keep us safe and protected, our Monger fills us with messages of comfort and security and the pain of risk and failure. My dad sold insurance and shared his strategies for making cold calls. First thing in the morning, he would sit down at his desk, and his first instinct was to procrastinate on the calls. So he would call someone he knew who wanted to hear from him and give him some positive feedback and energy. THEN he would have the energy to embrace the cold calls. He just needed a little help getting going. Figuring out what is underneath your procrastination and what baby steps you can take to accomplish the goal is helpful. Recognizing that you are procrastinating due to fear is the first step. Then give yourself some room around that. Finally, figure out what step you can take with minimal risk to give you some confidence and energy to keep going.

Maybe now isn't the time. Sometimes the fact that we are procrastinating is a sign that now is not the time. After weeks of procrastination, clients have said, "You know I don't think I want to do ____, I think that is what my procrastination is telling me." I have found that frequently our gut speaks through procrastination. When there is a lot of resistance (aka procrastination) to an activity/change, do a gut check: Am I afraid? Am I too much of a perfectionist? or Is now not the time?

Letting Go of Perfection

I am a recovering perfectionist. I remember struggling with it as a child, and I am always working with it today as an adult. Fortunately, over the years, I have eased my perfectionist tendencies, and rather than being an everyday occurrence, they tend only to come out and play when I am stressed or anxious.

Perfectionism is the belief "that if I only am enough, I will make no mistakes. This striving for perfectionism allows us to do things we wouldn't normally do, work harder, do better. However, rationally we all know perfection doesn't exist. When we forget that perfection isn't possible, striving for perfection becomes unhealthy and downright debilitating. The danger of perfectionism is that it serves as a barrier not only from those around us but from our intuitive selves. By holding on to the belief that we CAN do it perfectly, we continually strive for something that doesn't exist. In an attempt to drive towards an impossible goal, we can alienate ourselves and our loved ones.

Below are some of the things we say to ourselves as perfectionists and tips for changing those thoughts/behaviors.

"I can do it better" "If only I work harder, I will achieve perfection": This is a never-ending cycle because if what we are after doesn't exist, it doesn't matter how hard we work. Now the positive of this belief is that we are constantly striving for more. We are challenging ourselves to grow and become stronger, more whole human beings. The problem with this belief is we don't celebrate our wins. We don't enjoy the times when we reach a goal or hit a milestone. Instead, we keep plowing ahead for that ever-elusive perfection.

Tip: Recognize when you have hit a milestone or goal, even if it wasn't perfect. Throw frequent mini celebrations for trying or doing a great job even if it wasn't perfect.

"If I had more time, it would be better" This one belief is why a lot of perfectionists tend to be procrastinators. Because the reason the paper or project isn't perfect isn't that we failed but because we ran out of time. This belief is extremely tricky to change because we aren't aware that we are procrastinating out of fear of perfectionism.

Tip: If you are a procrastinator, get honest as to why. If you are a chronic procrastinator and a perfectionist, chances are they are linked. Next time you have a project due, challenge yourself not to procrastinate, try to sit in the uncomfortableness of potentially not getting it done perfectly, AND not having the timing to blame it on.

"If I do it perfectly, I won't be disappointed" This is another one of those sneaky, hard to see unconscious beliefs. But somewhere, we believe that being perfect will protect us from pain. As if perfection gives us an invisible shield against hurt and disappointment. We tell ourselves if we achieve perfection, then everything will be ok.

Tip: This belief keeps us from really engaging in life. The truth is you will never be perfect, and therefore you will never be enough. Start building awareness of how often you think to yourself if only I were skinnier, cuter, or smarter. Each time you hear yourself saying this take a deep breath and remind yourself, "I am ok as I am. I am imperfect and lovable". Then physically give yourself a hug, smile at yourself in the mirror, do a dance or give yourself a high five. The combination of changing the words in your head AND moving your body will slowly release the hold of perfectionism.

Perfectionism can lessen, and it doesn't have to be the never-ending carrot chasing that it feels like.

Perfection and Doubt: Meet Your Monger

One thing I am constantly working with clients on is building awareness. Building awareness means you are creating consciousness around what you are thinking, feeling, and needing. We spend much of our life unconsciously, allowing our fears, shame, and doubt to plague us unnecessarily.

Here is a scenario:

You wake up feeling pretty good, get showered, wake the kids, and the day is humming along smoothly. Then your youngest tells you that he is in charge of bringing a treat for the Valentine's Day celebration at school. No worries, you think, I can easily pick something up at the store. And then he says, "And I really want you to make my favorite sugar cookies because I want to share them in class." Immediately your mood shifts. It is so subtle you might not even be aware of it. But suddenly, things have moved from smooth sailing to a very bumpy ride. Your stomach hurts, your chest gets tight, and you are cycling down the hole of shame before you know it.

Logically you know you aren't a terrible mother because this one time, your youngest might be disappointed. Logically, you know there are many ways to solve this problem where he would be less disappointed. Logically you know cookies do not make a MOM. But logic is pointless because emotionally, you think, "I am a terrible mother," I take on too much," I can't even be there for my kids," blah, blah, blah. Welcome to Perfect Patty.

Or this one:

You walk into work feeling good. Your current project has been a little bumpy, but you feel on top of things now and know all will be well. As you pass your boss's office, he calls you in. A little nervous, you sit down as he tells you that you will be leading the project meeting later that morning. You will provide a progress report at the meeting and explain why the project is so far behind. You smile confidently and walk out of the office. As you walk down the hall, you feel your neck tense, you have a pain in the pit of your stomach, and you immediately start freaking out.

Logically, you know you can do this presentation. Yes, there were bumps, but they are all explainable and solved. Logically, you know that no one cares as long as the project keeps moving along and you hit the deadline. But logic is pointless because emotionally, you think, "I am a terrible project manager. I am going to suck at this presentation, they are going to nail me to the wall, and I am going to get fired right on the spot." "I should never have gotten out of bed this morning. Welcome to Scared Sally.

Perfect Patty and Scared Sally are just two examples of the voices of our Monger that plague us every day. She is the illogical part our ourselves, the emotional, shame-based part that consistently spreads her message of fear, perfectionism, and shame. Perfect Patty and Scared Sally win because we don't have an awareness that they are playing there. They spin out of control, unconsciously playing there over and over until we are so beaten down we don't know what to do about them.

So the trick is to build awareness by asking yourself these three questions:

1. What does it feel like physically when my Monger shows up? (eg. tightness in the chest, upset stomach, headache)

2. What does my Monger tend to talk about--what are his/her themes? (e.g., perfectionism, fear, shame)

3. How would I describe my Monger? What does it look like? Talk like? What would I name him/her?

As you start to build awareness of your Monger, you can recognize more quickly when he/she shows up. In both of the scenarios above, you were okay, you were having a great day, and then something negative happened that triggered shame, doubt, or fear (all normal emotions), and then your Monger went to town. That is the pivotal moment between the trigger and when the Monger appears and starts yapping. The quicker you can narrow that time between the trigger and the Monger yapping, the easier it is to move past your Monger.

This is the very beginning stages of facing your Monger. It is also the most important. Building awareness around your Monger will allow you to start to take back control of your thoughts, feelings, and needs.

You can check out these posts for more information about the Monger.

Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 1: Building Awareness

Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 2: Welcoming

The Myth of Living Happier

If I had a dollar for the number of times I have a client or a friend, or yes, even myself says, "I shouldn't be feeling this way. I SHOULD be living happier." I could be a rich woman. I call this the Myth of Living Happier: “If am living happier than I won't feel any pain, doubt, or insecurity. I will process loss and tragedy at superhuman speed, and I will always feel blissful and light.”

 Pardon my language, but I am here to call bullshit on this myth. Let's blow it up and toss it to the wind. Let's destroy this unattainable concept of happiness and being happier.

One of my foundational beliefs in Living Happier is that you have to experience the yuck. As the expression goes, shit happens, relationships break up, parents get sick, fatal car accidents occur, and jobs are lost. Grief is something we all experience, and more importantly, it isn't something that we experience easily or well. Grief is HARD. It rips your insides out and makes you cry to the depth of your being. Unfortunately, it is not something one thinks of when talking about Living Happier.

The other day I was talking to a friend and who was lamenting the loss of her parent. Her mother had died a couple of years ago, and every year around the anniversary of her death, she can feel the grief overwhelm her. "I SHOULD be done with this grief" "I am supposed to be Living Happier, right?". I lovingly reminded her that it is perfectly normal to feel the loss of her mother. It was, after all, HER MOTHER, a woman she had known and loved her entire life. So hell yes, she will grieve the loss of one of the most important people in her life!!!

Living Happier doesn't mean living in denial or living a delusion. Living Happier isn't pasting a smile on your face no matter what. It isn't ignoring your feelings.

Living Happier means allowing yourself to have a bad day to give yourself grace around pain, sadness, and grief. Living Happier means you can give yourself the radical acceptance necessary to move through the inevitable emotions that come up as we move through the peaks and valleys of life.

Basically, to Live Happier, you have to LIVE. Live fully engaged, intentional and aware. If we ignore, shame, or belittle our grief and pain, we are not Living, and we are not Living Happier. 

To live happier doesn't mean you will constantly feel HAPPY or blissful. The quest to Live Happier is just that a quest. A quest to give ourselves room to feel all of life, both the joy and the pain. A quest of knowing that in 24 hours, we can cry our eyes out and laugh until our stomachs hurt. When we are truly Living Happier, we get to experience and show up for all of life.

I ask you to join me in ridding this world of the Myth of Living Happier.

What If There is No Right Answer?

Lately, I have been struggling with the same phrase over and over in my brain.  You have to 'do it right.' This phrase shows up in so many areas of my life, doing it right in my career, doing it right in my marriage, doing it right with my friends, even doing it right when it comes to everyday life activities. As I began to recognize the pattern, the incidences and examples were endless.

One of the most prominent examples for me was on our vacation in September.

We were staying in a secluded B&B on San Juan Island in Washington state. It was a gorgeous sunny day, in the low 70s, and a blue sky that went on for miles. My nearest and dearest was taking a nap, and I was reading my book while lying in the hammock (Something I love to do). After about an hour, I was done, it was getting colder, and I wanted to check on my nearest and dearest and figure out dinner. But as I lay there, I thought:

"No, you can't get up. You are on vacation. You love lying in the hammock, and you never get to just chill outside on a hammock. You need to be enjoying this moment. You can't go inside. It's beautiful out here". 

As I started to pay attention to my stream of consciousness, I was amazed by the demands in my head!! I was on vacation, so if I wanted to sit on our couch in our room all day, I could. There was no right answer. (radical thought: if I wanted to sit on the couch in my room all day even if I wasn't on vacation is perfectly fine too.) And so I asked myself, "What if there is no right answer?" and for a minute, I was amazed, yes, actually paralyzed by that fact, what if there is no right answer???? What a freeing thought!!!

Since that trip, I have frequently caught myself looking for the 'right answer.' It is such a freeing moment when I realize there isn't a right way!! I have been using this with my clients too. Asking them what if there wasn't a 'right answer'? They have a similar reaction to me in the hammock--astonished and amazed, and then they get a slight grin on their faces—a knowing 'aha,' a sense of relief that there is no right answer.

Yes, someone somewhere probably would give us their right answer and make it sound like our right answer. Most likely, that is where the 'this is the right answer' voices come from...all the knowing voices we have internalized.

So I challenge you the next time you start coming up with excuses, "I can't do that...what would so-and-so think...you should do (fill in the blank). Smile, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, 'what if there is no right answer?' and then wait to see what comes up.

Advice from my Dad: Why Pay Twice?

My dad is full of different pieces of advice, short sentences packed with wisdom. One of these wisdom phrases that we say a lot in my house is, "Why pay twice?". Let's say you go to the movies, and you pay $25 for tickets and snacks. Halfway through the movie, you are miserable; the movie is terrible: loud, weak plot, no characters, just plain bad. Most people say, "I paid, for this, I am going to sit here and get my money's worth." But my dad would say, "Why pay twice? Why pay the $25 and then pay the fee of your time and energy to watch a bad movie. Get up and leave".

The spirit of this advice can apply to many aspects of our lives. Often we think we have to stick with something merely because we have 'paid' whether financially or with our time and energy. Let's say you are in a job you hate. You go every day thinking how much you hate it, and you justify that by saying, "Well, I have already put in 5, 10, 15 years I can't quit now!!" Again, why pay twice? Yes, you have paid your dues, and it hasn't worked out yet, so why keep paying?

An example I see in my work is people who have paid to go to school, and for whatever reason, they picked a degree that didn't fit them. Here they are 2-4 years later, and they can't find a job they want. Or they have found a job, and they are miserable. Many of them know what they want to do next, and, unfortunately, it requires some more schooling. And they will say to me, "I can't-do that. I already paid for one degree, so I have to use the degree I paid for." True, they did pay for one degree. But like the bad movie analogy above, if it wasn't the right degree, it isn't going to be satisfying or get them what they want in the end. So why pay twice? Why pay for the first degree and then pay for your misery the rest of your life because you made a human mistake and selected the wrong degree?

Frequently, in life, we make mistakes, we chose incorrectly, we chose something that we thought should fit or something someone told us would fit, and we end up unhappy, miserable, and 'paying' for the mistake. The point is mistakes happen; we chose wrong, why keeping suffering because we picked wrong?!?! Why pay twice? Figure out a way to make a change, do it differently. Just because you chose wrong, to begin with, doesn't mean you have to keep suffering. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Let's get creative and figure out a way to make a different plan. As my dad would say, there is no need to pay twice.

A Strong Person Knows How to be Vulnerable

 Last week I received an e-mail forward. I admit I usually don't read them, but this one entitled A Strong Person intrigued me. The first line said A Strong Person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they manage to say, "I'm OK" with a smile. 

As I read that line, I immediately cringed. I continually struggle with my internal war over the definition of a strong person.

"put on your brave face and stay strong."

"a strong person doesn't let them see you sweat.

"a strong person puts on a front and pretends all is well when in reality they are crumbling.

Well, I call BS on that statement. This idea of being strong has caused many of us to live lives of quiet desperation. To "suck it up" rather than ask the question, "How can I do it differently?" To put all our energy into "looking OK," we never have the chance to experience emotions and grow from them. In my mind, a strong person:

• admits it's hard.

• allows themselves to have a good long cry, screaming match, or hissy fit.

• expresses the necessary emotions and allows themselves to feel the vulnerability and lack of control.

• admits everything is not OK and asks for help when necessary.

• shows their emotions and picks up the pieces, and moves on. A strong person does both.

Because when we don't experience the emotions, don't express the pain in the presence of another person, and have a witness to our lives and our experience, we can't grow from it; we can't spiral up. 

When we suck it up, say "I'm OK with a smile," then we aren't being genuine. Sometimes life is hard, and sometimes we are dealt a series of blows. Sometimes we are exhausted, tired, frustrated, and just plain sad. In those times, we need to admit our struggles and exhaustion. Lean on those close to us for support. Strength comes from vulnerability, not from bravery.

The times in my life when the most changes have occurred are those times when I have been on my knees, crying in exhaustion, weak and vulnerable, and I have said I need to find a different way. Tired and weary from "being strong," I have allowed myself to admit my weakness, and then I have sought to make a change.

Living Happier means experiencing the yin and yang of life, being 'strong' and being 'vulnerable' both in their own time. When we are too much of any one thing, we miss out on the richness of life. When we get stuck in our fear, we aren't serving ourselves any more than when we are stuck in our strength--but we need to experience BOTH to move through life in a healthier, happier way.

Room to be Human

The other morning my nearest and dearest and I were chatting for my dog, Mocha. You know, how you give your dog a voice and have a full-on conversation with them, putting in what you assume they would be thinking. After we both cracked ourselves up with our witty conversation tactic, we started talking about dogs and children and how we are so much more likely to give them a break using the excuse--well, he can't do that he's just a dog, or she wouldn't understand that she's just a child. But with adults, we don't cut each other that slack. We assume we all can read each other's minds, get every emotion dead on, and just generally be perfect. We don't give each other the depth and freedom to just be human.

You might argue that dogs and children DON'T know better. Let's face it, they are simpler beings. I would agree--they are less in touch than we are as adults. However, being an adult doesn't mean you are suddenly blessed with the ability to know all, to understand precisely what your partner or friends need at precisely the right time. Being an adult doesn't mean even if we understand the need that we can fulfill it for someone all the time.

The difference between being an adult and being a child/animal is the innocence factor. In general, adults have more power to hurt us, break our trust, or take advantage of us. While animals and children fill us with unconditional love and innocence, adults have learned the pain and vulnerability that comes from being hurt or damaged. With adults, there is a 'fear factor.' We struggle with giving other adults a break because they should know better but because they have the potential to hurt us more. We believe children and animals are innocent and loving unconditionally. We don't feel they will hurt us or intentionally take advantage of us. But with adults, we feel we might get taken advantage of. We can't fully trust their intentions because they might hurt us. Therefore, we don't give them a break. We don't give them the breadth to be themselves, to be human.

Frequently when we don't give someone a break or allow them to mess up, it is because of our fear of hurt. I admit while I might scold Mocha for doing something wrong, I don't hold a grudge. I don't punish her all day or next week (honestly, I have trouble punishing her for a minute). But with an adult, I might be more likely to 'punish' the 'negative behavior.' Because I am afraid, afraid that I will get hurt, look stupid, be a pushover, be taken advantage of, etc.

So the next time you are disappointed in someone or frustrated by someone, take a closer look to see where that frustration comes from. Are you punishing them unnecessarily? Are you holding a grudge to protect yourself from the vulnerability or risk of intimacy? Could you spin the story to be maybe they didn't know better, maybe they are doing the best they can, maybe I can give them room to be human?