What If This Doesn't Have to Change After the Pandemic?

Shame is a HUGE part of High Functioning Anxiety. Practicing self-loyalty is a key to healing that shame and therefore quieting our High Functioning Anxiety. I love talking about self-loyalty because it is a process—I think of it like an onion. When you have spent your whole life being loyal to others, e.g., reading the room, trying to predict what other people need, and bending yourself like Gumby—shifting your perspective to honoring yourself can be complicated and nuanced.

One day this week, as I was cooking dinner, my husband came in from walking the dog and said, "I am going to head out and chat with the neighbors. Do you want to come?" I froze. When the weather is nice, our neighbors gather in the alley behind our houses to watch their kids play. I love our neighbors, and I feel so grateful for their friendship. And that night, I didn't want to go outside and be social.

Immediately my Monger started in:

"You SHOULD go outside; they will think you are anti-social. You NEVER go and play. You are so uptight. "

And then I thought I don't want to go outside, it is chilly, I am cooking dinner and I have had a relaxing day I don't want to go outside. I told my husband I didn't want to go and have fun and tell everyone I said hi. He grabbed a beer and headed out the door.

As I went back to dinner prep, I could hear my Monger: "You can't hide out in the house forever. They will think you are a bitch. Blah Blah Blah." I took a deep breath and followed my own guidance, and practiced A.S.K. I was able to call in my Biggest Fan, and I found the middle ground. "I am not an uptight anti-social loser; I just don't want to hang out in the alley tonight."

Later that night, as I was brushing my teeth thinking about the alley incident, I thought one thing that has been nice about the pandemic I haven't had to beat myself up for not being social. And then I thought, What if I don't have to beat myself up for that even when the pandemic is over? And my whole body was like WHAT?!?! What would THAT look like?! I had never thought that NOT beating myself up about not wanting to be social was an option. I could feel another layer of the self-loyalty onion pull away.

I realized I had spent my whole life beating myself up for not wanting to socialize as much as other people. Somewhere I swallowed the party line, "Good people are always willing to be social. Good people will jump at the chance to interact with fellow humans. You are an anti-social freak who is so uptight you can't just be social with people."  

I am guessing your party line is something different. A party line is any criticism you have of yourself that you believe to be 100% true. They are hard to spot because we believe them so wholeheartedly. A party line tends to be repeated in absolutes. I am an anti-social freak. People are ALWAYS going to think I am a bitch. I NEVER want to be social. And it tends to force you to do something counter to your nature. Doing idle chit-chat is not in my nature. I can do it, but to do it 100% of the time is too hard.

Unhooking that line is so hard because:

1. A big part of me believes the party line. I falsely believe that I would be a better person if I were more social. And I also falsely believe I have 2 options: be more social or beat myself up when I am not more social. I deserve to be beaten up because the party line is the TRUTH.

2. What do I do with all that time and energy I spent beating myself up? If I am not striving or beating myself up, I will be left with anxiety.

#2 is why High Functioning Anxiety is so hard. Not only am I beating myself up about something that isn't true. The idea of not beating myself up about being social and talking in the voice of the Biggest Fan is foreign. It is uncomfortable. It makes me anxious.

For too many years, that is where the debate would end. My anxiety about doing life without this belief would stop me in my tracks, and I would do nothing.

 If this is where you are, I want you to notice that. I want you to honor that you see your party line belief. You see where your Monger is hammering you, and you want to stop, and yet it makes you too anxious. Practicing self-loyalty is an excellent place to start. Self-loyalty means you can be kind to yourself even when you don't want to make a change.

I will be over here doing the same thing. I am practicing my self-loyalty around this idea. I am going to continue to loosen the all-or-nothing grip of my party line. I am trying to see the positives of what I have labeled a flaw: I prefer deep conversations, which makes me good at my job and helps me be there for my friends and family. I also enjoy idle chit-chat from time to time. AND I am noticing the anxiety and being kind to myself that this is a process and peeling onions takes time.

I am curious---what is your party line? What is the belief that is so solid that the idea of NOT beating yourself up about it sounds scary?

A Story About Bagel Toppings And People Pleasing

Throughout my life, one of my go-to strategies for dealing with my anxiety is through people-pleasing. My Monger tells me that if everyone around me was happy, I will feel less anxiety. As part of this belief, I convince myself that everyone else's needs are more important because if their needs are met, they won't notice how incompetent I am.

Recently I was making a bagel for breakfast. I couldn't decide if I wanted butter or cream cheese, so I decided to have both. As I pulled both the butter and the cream cheese out of the fridge and started spreading the combo on my bagel, my husband looked at me like I was crazy and asked where I had learned to do that combo. I explained to him that it was all thanks to my college roommate; almost every morning of our sophomore year, I brought her a bagel with cream cheese and butter from the dining hall.

As a young girl, I learned that breakfast was the most important meal of the day, so being the good girl I was, no matter how early my first class was, I made sure to start my day off right with breakfast. My roommate, however, would rather sleep in. As I remember it, I just randomly grabbed her a bagel one day, and she was SO appreciative that it became a thing. So I always grabbed her a bagel with cream cheese and butter. The reason this stands out in my mind is not just the odd topping combo but my obsession with getting her breakfast, making sure it was right, and always having a fear that I would get it wrong and she would be mad at me.

Looking back on that college ritual, I can see that my Monger was running the show, convincing me that my roommate was WAY cooler than me and if I wanted to keep her as a friend, I needed to make her happy. In essence, my Monger said the only way I would have friends was if I bribed them. Of course, there were days I didn't want to get her bagel because I was resentful for being forced to get her a bagel. So my BFF voice demonized her for being lazy and not wanting to get out of bed and get her own damn bagel. My Monger told me I was a loser who needed to bribe my friend, and when that got too much, my BFF would step in to blame her for being lazy. In my roommate's mind, she was just happy to have food. She probably didn't understand why I was so consistent in bringing her a bagel, but she just thought it was a nice thing I did. My roommate didn't demand it or expect it. But I demanded it of myself. It was a hell of my own making.

I can see this dynamic in my marriage. When my anxiety is high, I will bend over backward to predict my husband's needs and try to make him happy. Like watching his favorite show when I don't want to (even if he doesn't care) or picking up the house (even when he doesn't notice), or making sure I tiptoe around him and give him lots of space (even though he didn't ask for it).

To be clear, my husband is one of the most laid-back people least demanding people I know, so this is dynamic is all in my head. My Monger will convince me that he will stop loving me if I don't do for my husband. If he is in a bad mood, my Monger will convince me it is because of something I did, so I had better over-perform and please him. When he doesn't appreciate all my sacrifices, my BFF steps in to demonize him and tell me how much he doesn't appreciate me and all my hard work. My Monger and my anxiety convince me I can control EVERYTHING, from how someone else feels to whether they will like me. And when I can't control it or get tired of trying, my BFF comes to blame the other person. Again a hell of my own making.

The good news is these dynamics do change. I notice this pattern WAY earlier than I used to. I can see that my anxiety is spiking, my Monger is getting loud, so I start to people-please. I can catch myself people-pleasing, overperforming, all in a quest to quiet my Monger. And I can bring in my Biggest Fan, that voice of self-loyalty. When I notice my husband is in a bad mood, I ask him if he needs anything. And if my Monger is still chiming that it is all my fault, I will share that with him. I will check in to see if I caused his lousy mood, and 99% of the time, I had nothing to do with his bad mood. Awareness, kindness, and communication are the keys.

Who would have thought bagel toppings could have so much meaning! But as I sat down to eat my bagel that morning, I was reminded of my college years, my college roommate (who I adore to this day!), and how grateful I am that bending over backward to make someone like me is no longer a driving force in my life.

What if You Are Lazy?

I spent much of my life thinking I needed to be fixed, healed, or changed. I read every self-help book, listened to hundreds of webinars, had therapy, did coaching, and attended many retreats. I knew I was broken, and I thought the answer was something outside of me. Until I could find that magical solution, I tried to cover up all my flaws through hustling and striving, only to realize I always came up short.

I was constantly avoiding the parts of myself I disapproved of, walling myself off and becoming more and more robotic. It was exhausting.

Things shifted when I finally started listening to myself—really listening. I realized maybe the answer wouldn't be found out there; maybe I needed to start getting to know myself: warts and all.

When my Monger would start talking, I began using the phrase, "What if I am?"

My Monger would say, "You are so lazy! You SHOULD be pulling weeds rather than sitting on the couch." And I would ask myself, "What if I am lazy? Is that the worst thing in the world? Being lazy?"

At first, it was a little jarring—and to be honest, it still is—because internally, I gasp and tell myself: you can't be lazy; you can't admit that! You are a hard worker. You are the person everyone goes to get stuff done! What if your neighbors see how lazy you are?!

The truth is both are true: I am lazy sometimes, and I am a hard worker sometimes. When it comes to weeding, I am definitely lazy. My neighbors definitely know that. And that's okay. If they want to judge me for my weedy lawn, that is on them. That is their wasted energy, not mine. So freeing.

I realized that my anxiety tells me if I pretend it isn't true, it must not be true. It is the same logic as a two-year-old who thinks you disappear when they close their eyes. It sounds absolutely crazy as I type this, but I see it in my clients all the time.

When I ask, "What if you are lazy?" they look at me aghast. Then I follow it with, "that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. You are human. And from time to time, humans are lazy." Then they have the look of freedom come across their face, and they smile and say, "Yes, I am a bad mom sometimes, and I am also a fantastic mom." BOTH are true.

There is so much freedom in realizing you aren't broken. You aren't doing it wrong. You are human. Humans are complex. Humans are imperfect. Humans are messy. So let's be human together.

The next time you hear your Monger criticizing you, ask yourself, "What if I am?" and give yourself room to be human.

The People Pleasing Hustle

Earlier this week, I was talking to a client who said, "I am a control freak, and I am tired of it. But I can't seem to stop doing it."

I am writing this post for the Control Freaks, the Type As, the 'get 'er done' lovers out there. I get it. I understand. I see it every day in my office. I live it in my life. I get the pull of being in control.

The pull of the belief that:

• no one will do it as well as me

• I can handle it all.

• If not me, then who will do it?

Somewhere you learned: Unless you are 'doing,' you don't matter, AND you learned that you are good at doing things.

You have an organized brain and a 'get it done attitude that allows you to excel at accomplishing stuff. Combine that natural ability with the appreciation and love you get for accomplishing stuff, and you have the perfect storm of the people-pleasing hustle. And then, over time, you learn that the people-pleasing hustle gets lonely and empty and becomes a bottomless pit.

Because what is underneath all of the to-do lists, check-ins, taking care of, and soldiering on mentality is:

• You want to be seen.

• You want to be appreciated.

• You want to be loved.

• You want everyone else to be happy.

So this strong 'in control' exterior covers up the soft, beautiful, sensitive side that says 'you aren't worthy unless you are doing something and more succinctly 'you aren't worthy unless everyone around you is happy.'

You (like my client) try to unhook you read about relaxing, stressing less, becoming more balanced. You TRY to stop, breathe, do nothing, be present. You TRY to let go of your controlling ways, and they always come back:

"You do such great work!"

"I can always count on you."

"Mom, you are the best."

"Thanks for handling that."

"No one is as good of a crisis as you are."

That People Pleasing Hustle is such a sweet, sweet seductress.

It doesn't take much for us to be back in the hustle again.

So what can you do?

Well, first off, it is more complex than just relaxing, stressing less. While the concepts of stress less and breathe more are AMAZING tools, they just scratch the surface of a Type A personality's life. Because the People-Pleasing Hustle is so much deeper than just stress less. You are not a failure because the usual tips haven't worked. People Pleasing Hustle is a seductive foe.

As with any addiction, you need to admit you are addicted. Once I saw that my Type A personality was a form of the people-pleasing hustle, I started making some in-roads.

Initial Tips:

• Start paying attention to your Type A tendencies, notice how often you don't say no, don't ask for help, take on more than you can. Just NOTICE.

• Ask yourself, who am I looking to please here? Or more to the point, Who am I afraid of making angry? Again, just notice.

• Pour on the compassion!! Don't judge. Don't criticize. Don't try to change it. Just lovingly tell yourself how awesome you are (even if you don't believe it at first). Nurture that sensitive soul that gets plowed over by the Type A tendencies.

How to Stop Fitting your Square Peg into a Round Hole

Earlier this summer, we were at a community picnic. We ran into a friend, and within 3 minutes, he and I were involved in a deep conversation about the book Being Mortal and the struggles of dealing with aging parents. As we walked away, I said to my nearest and dearest, "I just love that guy, no need to small talk just get right to the important stuff." And my nearest and dearest said, "That's because he doesn't hide that he is deep. You hide your deep side. When you meet a fellow deep thinker, you are so excited because you don't have to pretend." We later shared this conversation with our friend, who laughed and said, "it took me a long time, but I love that I am a deep...proud of it."

It got me thinking, one of my favorite topics to share with clients is that we spend a lot of our time trying to fit our square pegs into round holes. We try to shave off our square pegs to feel accepted, loved and liked by other people. Eventually, all that shaving gets tiresome, and we realize that we are spending all of our time trying to morph ourselves into something we aren't. To be accepted by people who, when we are truly honest, don't value the same things as we do. It is EXHAUSTING!

We have to permit ourselves to just be us:

our dorky, goofy selves.

Our sensible, planning, mama bears.

Our doubting, questioning, curious selves.

Our wanting to fit in, be accepted, and be loved selves.

To be all of that. Just to be who we are.

I spent much of my life trying to fit my square peg into a round hole. I remember asking myself, "Why do I care so much what so-and-so thinks when we don't share the same values? Why do I deny who I am so that they can accept me?" So I started paying attention to how often I belittled myself or pretended not to care about something I found important. Years ago, I wouldn't have brought up the book to my friend or engaged in such a heavy conversation with such passion and excitement.

Gradually, I started building awareness around how often I took a hacksaw to my square peg.

Slowly over time, I started just being me:

Not engaging in small talk for the 14th time in one evening.

Not apologizing when I went deep with a friend.

Not belittling myself for being the caretaker at a family event.

Once I stopped apologizing for who I am as a person, my capacity to stretch outside my comfort zone became greater. It is true; not everyone is like me. Not everyone will enjoy a conversation about mortality and aging parents at an outdoor picnic, and that is OK. Not every conversation I have has to be deep and meaningful just because that is my preference. I need to know how to stretch myself to reach other people.

The problem is when I spend all my time shaving and shaving those square pegs. When I deny who I am and pretend that I am someone else or apologize for who I am. I am deep, and I am proud of it. But I am more than just deep, I am a whole being, who enjoys laughing, talking about mindless subjects, and I am a square peg who can fit into a round hole from time to time but just doesn't want to.

Once I figured that out, and I learned to embrace all of me and found other people who enjoyed similar things, life became much less boring. We are more than the stereotypes of deep, dorky, goofy, or aloof we are complex beings.

Now I can go to an event and be me. I can be passionate about a deep, meaningful conversation, and I can shoot the sh*t with someone about their kitchen remodel. And the best part? I don't leave the evening beating myself up because of what I SHOULD have done.

Why Giving More Doesn't Always Make You More Lovable

So many of us are people pleasers. We live our lives doing what we think others want or need from us. As a recovering people pleaser, getting clear on if I was giving from a pure place or giving because I thought I SHOULD.

In that spirit, today, I am sharing some common misnomers about the beauty of giving.

Your needs are not LESS important. Whoa. I remember the first time I heard this one--what?!?! My needs are as important as everyone else's? ("What you talkin' about Willis?") Yep, our needs are as important as everyone else. And, to put it bluntly, if we don't look out for what we need, no one else will.

Sometimes it isn't that we truly believe our needs are less important. We believe by swallowing our needs; we will avoid confrontation, which in the short term MIGHT be true. But in the long term, the damage to our self-worth and the relationship just isn't worth it. To be fully in a relationship with someone (including ourselves), we need to show up completely, needs and all.

Giving to the point of resentment isn't giving.  Next time someone asks you for something, ask yourself, "Do I want to be giving this right now?" If the answer is no, then the answer is no. Giving from a place of resentment, keeping score, or negativity just doesn't feed anyone. Giving from a place of pure unadulterated joy and love, now that is feeding the whole world. There is such a difference in how true giving feels! When we are resentful, keeping score, and ignoring our messages of "stop this is too much," we aren't living happier.

Your worth is not equal to how much you give. Yikes. This is an easy trap to fall into. Somewhere we learned "they will like me more if I give more" or "I am only worthy because of what I do." In essence, we have convinced ourselves, they like us ONLY because of how much we give. Which, to put it bluntly, is BS. If someone is only hanging with you because you do everything they ask--do you want to spend time with that person anyway? Our true friends are the people who love us regardless of what we DO. We are valuable, lovable, worthy period--it doesn't matter how much we give.

Caring is a wonderful trait. I love showing others how much they mean to me by giving to them. Attaching giving to the words: should, getting something back, worthiness, have to, or keeping score takes away from such an amazing act of kindness and gratitude. When you are asked to give, first check-in and ask: "What is my motivation for saying yes?"

It is Ok to Say No

You are picking the kids up from school, and a fellow mom comes running out to greet you and quickly asks, "hey would you be willing to bring two dozen cupcakes to the bake sale tomorrow morning, we are short on volunteers, and we need them to be homemade?" Your first reaction is, 'ugh! I don't have time to bake anything. I am so behind on everything, no no no' But what comes out of your mouth is, "Sure, no problem, I would LOVE to help out." As you drive away, you think, 'Damn, what just happened!!!, how did I get suckered into this stuff again?'

Rationally you know it is ok to say no. However, you find yourself agreeing to do stuff you don't want to do more often than not.

I mean, after all, we as women are supposed to do it all. We are supposed to be there for our friends. We SHOULD be generous partners, daughters, mothers, and co-workers. True. Generosity is a wonderful thing, but when it gets to the point that we are choosing other's happiness or other's joy over our own, it is a problem.

Here are some common examples:

Your neighbor calls and asks to drop her kids off to play with your kids. You love her kids, and it isn't a burden to have them there, but you are planning a quiet family dinner and getting your kids to bed early. You tell her no, it won't work this time, and offer to make a play date sometime soon.

A co-worker invites you to her baby shower on a Saturday afternoon. You have the kids' soccer games in the morning, and Saturday afternoon is the only time you can catch up on laundry and errands. You say no to the shower but sponsor a week's worth of diaper service after the baby is born.

You get a notification in the mail that your child's classroom is looking for moms who are willing to sew costumes for the fall pageant. You hate sewing, and you are already overwhelmed with life. You politely decline, saying you would be willing to do ticket sales or something else that you enjoy more. It is ok to say no.

Your husband volunteered to bring something to the company potluck and asks if you would be willing to make your crock-pot chili for him to take in. You have a big project due at work and just don't have the time. You tell him no and offer him suggestions for things he can pick up at the store. It is ok to say no.

It is ok to admit you don't like to do something, you don't want to spend your time with someone, have other plans, or just don't want to. It is ok, to be honest with yourself and say no.

There was a NO and a loving follow-up in each of the examples above: a reschedule, a gift, or a different solution. Saying no doesn't have to be harsh or mean. It can be loving, genuine, and honest.

So the next time someone asks you to do something and your first response is "ugh," pause and remind yourself it is ok to say lovingly say no.

Dealing with Difficult People

We all have THOSE people in our lives. The ones we dread to see, the ones who know exactly how to trigger our shame responses and make our lives miserable.

THOSE people create drama in our lives. If I were to ask people, do you like drama in your relationships? The answer would be a resounding No. Drama sucks. Drama causes pain and discomfort. So why is drama so prevalent? Why do we say we hate drama yet still engage in it? Sometimes, we don't have a choice; family members and friends bring drama to our front door. But there is a way to avoid becoming a Days of Our Lives Episode.

Here are a few of my tips for Decreasing Drama in Your Life.

Recognize the triggers. Drama frequently starts when someone pushes a shame trigger in us. So you are having a conversation with your co-worker, and she starts talking about how mortified she would be if she got called out in a meeting like you had earlier that day. And you notice you are awash in shame. Your response is to lash out at her or talk behind her back, both creating unnecessary drama and pain. Recognizing when you are awash in shame is key to limiting drama.

Communication Communication Communication. One of the main reasons drama gets started is that we are afraid of conflict. So we talk behind people's backs, or we confront someone else, hoping they will eventually tell the person. We don't have direct communication, and that easily leads to drama.

You Don't Have to Engage. Remember, just because someone baits you or encourages you to pick up the drama ball and run with it. You don't have to. You can stop drama in its tracks simply by not engaging with it. Easier said than done, yes. But very helpful in ending the drama cycle.

Ask yourself: What are you Getting out of the drama? Such a tough question and requires you to get HONEST with yourself. Because most of us would say we hate drama. But drama can be helpful because it keeps us from feeling. In my life, I know drama shows up when I don't want to feel something.

Here's an example, You are at a family event, and you find out your favorite aunt has cancer. Your brother-in-law has an inappropriate response to the news. Rather than facing the news, you make the situation all about your BIL's response. You are indignant and find yourself telling everyone about his crazy response rather than the factual information, which is your favorite aunt has cancer, and you are devastated. In this example, the drama serves as a smokescreen to give yourself time to absorb this terrible news.

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries. Have someone who regularly causes drama in your life? Know someone who always talks about you to other people? Have a friend who isn't supportive and would rather shame you? Set a boundary and hold it. We keep drama-filled people in our lives because they add a sense of flair, or we have been friends for a long time, or we HAVE to because they are family. If you have tried to decrease the drama with certain people, it is time to set a boundary. One of my favorite principles is as you change and grow, either people rise to meet you, or people fall off. So as you begin to lower your threshold for drama, use direct communication and build awareness around your shame triggers. Those in your life who cause drama will either recognize the change and be empowered to make their own or get so annoyed they stop engaging.

Drama sucks, and ending drama is possible.

Who is Your Schedule Pleasing?

Many years ago, I was always on the go. You had to book with me a month in advance if you wanted to go to dinner or hang with me. I was BUSY. Why was I so busy? Well, it was a lot of reasons.

At the time, I was single, and somewhere, someone had told me that I needed to be busy because single people need to be out and about doing things.

As long as I was on the go, I didn't need to deal with all the questions, confusion, pain I had about my own life. I didn't need to be dealt with it if I was out and about.

I didn't ever say no. The idea of saying no never entered my mind. Because I didn't want to upset anyone or make anyone mad at me, and I didn't think I could say no.

In all honesty, it never dawned on me to ask myself, "Do I enjoy doing all this stuff? Is being this busy making me happier?"

Then one day, after crying on the front porch to my friend, saying, "I SHOULD BE HAPPY. What is wrong with me?!!" I found myself sitting on a therapist's couch (the best decision I ever made), and she asked me, "Do you enjoy doing all this stuff?" "Is this how you want to be spending your time?"

Honestly, I was dumbstruck. I thought, "What does she mean, is this how I wanted to spend my time?" it was the first time in a long time that I asked myself that question.

It turned out, no, that was not how I wanted to spend my time. The act of going out all the time was exhausting and making me miserable. Not only was it physically exhausting to work all day and then go out to dinner with a friend at night, but it was also mentally and emotionally exhausting because I was saying yes to events I wanted to say no to.

One of the most helpful exercises I did was an energy inventory to help me do a gut check on how I was spending my time. I quickly realized that I was spending WAY too much time doing things that were draining me.

The problem seemed simple enough to fix. Stop doing the things that drain me, but that is WAY easier said than done.

• I had to learn how to put myself first and ask myself: do you REALLY want to do this activity.

• I had to learn that it is ok to disappoint people.

• I had to learn how to say NO.

Thanks to a fantastic therapist, and a lot of intentional work on my part, today, my life is very different. I don't say yes to any activity before I pause and ask myself, "Do I really want to do this?" And even then, when the answer is yes, I ask myself, "Do I have the energy/time to do this activity?"

With those two questions, my schedule is

• Less busy

• When I am busy, it is with activities I enjoy and want to participate in.

I see this phenomenon in my clients. They come in to talk about their anxiety, and unhappiness and inevitably, we end up talking about their schedule and the fact that they are spending way too much time pleasing other people. One of the leading causes of anxiety is when we stop listening to our inner voice and instead start listening to what we SHOULD be doing. Schedule Pleasing is a very common way of doing that.

Making Intentional Decisions: Questions to Ask Yourself

When we bring intention to our lives, we can reduce anxiety. Too often, we make decisions from a place of obligation, should, guilt, or habit. Many of us experience anxiety in our lives because we are constantly trying to fit our square selves into a round hole. Any time we are trying to become something we aren't, it will cause anxiety.

So I encourage you to pay attention to your intention and live your life from a place of purpose and curiosity rather than engaging in activities that drain you or are purely out of obligation. A fundamental way to start is to ask yourself the following questions.

Since it is the holidays, let's use a holiday scenario: Your Friend Lucy asks you if you want to attend her son's performance at a local college. Lucy is a friend of a friend, so you run in the same social circles, but you aren't that close. 

Do I want to go to the concert? Honestly, you are torn. You love music and especially holiday music AND your holiday plate runneth over. You could make it work, but you are already running low on energy, and we haven't even made it to Thanksgiving (this question is a tough one because the answer is rarely black and white--sometimes I will try the coin trick if I get stuck on this question--but the other questions in the series will help narrow down your answer)

What is my motivation? You love holiday music, and you want to be supportive of Lucy's son. You remember what it was like to be performing in college and wanting people to come. You also want to make a good impression with Lucy. (This can be tricky to answer; we don't want to admit that sometimes our motivations can be manipulative, trying to or 'look' good.)

What am I hoping to gain? Getting in the holiday spirit? Getting on Lucy's good side? Your kids are both in school together, and she lives in your neighborhood, so best to get her on your good side. (Frequently, I follow the what is my motivation question with this one because I can convince myself my motivation is pure and straightforward, but when I ask myself what I hope to gain, sometimes the answer isn't so pure :) )

Why am I engaging in this activity?  Because it is easier than saying no. You don't want to upset Lucy and your new friendship, and you do like holiday music. You can make it work with some sacrifice. (Yes, this question is similar to do I want to go, but it is helpful to ask it again and differently because then you might get at a more profound answer. Because the real question here is..."Are the reasons I am giving make this a high enough priority that getting less sleep is worth it?"

What would happen if I said no? Honestly, not much. Lucy knows it is the holiday season, and if you genuinely explain to her that you are just too busy AND hope to see her son perform, she will understand. This is usually the case; if we are honest and genuine with people, they get it. Too often, we convince ourselves if we don't go, Lucy will be so upset, and it will be the end of the relationship. Is your whole relationship with Lucy going to hinge on this one event? Probably not. And if it does, do you want to be friends with someone who would be that petty?

Ok, so I recognize that is an elementary example. But those basic situations happen all the time in our daily lives. When we aren't intentional, we can say yes to activities and people we don't care about without checking our priorities and intentions.

Next time you find yourself complaining about an event or activity, ask yourself, "Did I engage in this activity intentionally, or is it out of obligation?" You have the right to say no. You have the right to make decisions based on your priorities and values.

Who's Running Your Life?

As with most motivational sayings in life, "Stop Living Your Life for Everyone Else" is easy to say. But what does it mean? What does it look like to run your life?

Here are some of my thoughts.

You are the captain of your own life. 

Yes, you have responsibilities, people who count on you, etc. But you decide how you react, what thoughts you choose, and what action you take next. Stuck in a dead-end job but need the money? You might not have a choice about the job right now, but you can always start making an exit plan. You can always start adding activities and people to your life that you love. You are in control of your life.

The downside of being in control of your life is there is no one else to blame. The buck stops with you. So as the captain, if you feel disenfranchised, disheartened, or discouraged, you have to make choices to make it better. Similarly, if you are the captain, you are responsible for the joy and happiness in your life, and the big and little 'wins.'

You can stop chasing the carrot

The common belief is once

• I get the promotion; then, I will be happy.

• I retire, then I will be happy.

• I find my passion; then, I will be happy.

• my kids graduate, then I will be happy.

• I fix my partner; then I will be happy.

There are two issues with endless carrot chasing.

One: the carrot, whatever it is, will never make you less anxious. It will never make you relaxed or less stressed because the carrot keeps moving. The carrot offers a convenient excuse for why we aren't happier now. The logic goes, if I can't be happy until I retire, then I won't be happy until then. It is an easy out to why I am not happy now. Inevitably what happiness is you achieve the carrot, and you still aren't happy. You are still anxious, stressed, and exhausted. Because the key to being happier and living with less anxiety is to recognize that while it is wonderful to plan for the future, this moment, right now, is all you have.

Two: The carrot might not be YOUR big dream. The carrot probably belongs to someone else. When you quest for something, you have to be clear that it is what you want. It is your goal. And most of the time, when the future goal aligns with your higher purpose, you won't have the belief that 'once I get it, I will be happier' because half the fun is engaging in the quest. Whenever you find yourself saying 'when I ___ then I will be ____' ask yourself where is that belief coming from, and is it true?

You can stop going to committee.

When you are always trying to do what everyone else wants, you always have to go to the committee to check in. Your committee can consist of friends, family, bosses, co-workers, mentors, etc. Support people are amazing! There is no way you could live a life without support people. But a committee is a different beast. When you go to committee, you are looking to them for the answer. When you go to your support people, you are looking for support of your wisdom.

So let's say you have to decide about a new job at work:

Committee: You don't pause to ask yourself. You don't get quiet and curious. You run around asking your committee what to do. Your committee members give you feedback, and you take the majority's opinion or whoever you respect the most.

Support People: You take the time to pause and question, and you come up with what you think will be the best choice for you. You decide if you want to take the job or not, and you ask your support people for their thoughts or ideas. Then you DISCERN for yourself what is best.

The anxiety that comes from polling everyone and constantly looking outwards is 10 fold that of quietly looking inwards.

Being in control of your own life might appear scarier and riskier. But there is nothing as extraordinary as waking up each day knowing you have the choice in your own life.

The Complexity of Boundaries

Boundaries are one of the hardest things to set AND one of the most instrumental tools for leading a happier life.

When we know how to set and hold healthy boundaries:

• We have more energy for the people and activities that matter most to us.

• We are living with integrity and not engaging in people-pleasing activities.

• We will have less drama and angst because there will be clarity on where we stand and what is most important.

Crossed or over-stepped boundaries show up all the time. We tend to think setting boundaries is all about just saying no. And while saying no is important, boundary setting can become much more nuanced.

Here are some simple ways boundaries can affect your life:

Your neighbor asks you to look after her kids for the third time without reciprocating. You don’t want to be petty, but you value your time, and you want her to respect it as well.

Your friend asks for your support in setting up a jewelry party. You HATE jewelry parties and feel torn between wanting to help out your friend and not wanting to spend a whole weekend getting ready for a party that you don’t want to throw.

Your spouse says yes to an event without asking you (for the third time in a row). He has a habit of just saying yes, and then checking with you later. One of his mottos is that it is easier to beg for forgiveness rather than ask for permission - and it is wearing thin.

Your co-worker signs you up to bring the main course to the company picnic. Just because you have volunteered for it every other year doesn’t mean this year you want to be cooking all night.

Your grown daughter asks for money again - you don’t want her to go into debt, but you don’t want to keep giving her more and more money. You wonder: where is the line?

Your mom keeps giving your sister money and then complaining about her reckless spending to you - you are tired of hearing about it. You want to be supportive, but why should her lack of boundaries affect you?

Setting boundaries can be way more complex than just saying no. Changing patterns and expectations can leave you asking, “Wait a minute!’ or “Is this happening?” When your gut makes that lurch of ‘WHAT?!’ Do a double-take and ask, does there need to be a boundary here?

Tips For Setting Boundaries:

• When someone asks you to do something, use the phrase “I will get back to you” or “I have to check my calendar.” This gives you space from the immediate pressure to say yes and allows you to say no when you are ready and more comfortable.

• Remember: you are not responsible for ‘protecting’ the other person. It’s okay to disappoint them and not solve their problem. You don’t have to take care of everyone and everything.

• Along that same vein, you don’t have to Justify, Prove, Defend or atone for saying no or setting a boundary. You are allowed to say no, change your mind, or opt-out.

Obligations and Shoulds—When to Say No

I have written several blog posts on the art of saying no. Sometimes the real battle comes with when to say no. We have so many obligations, so many 'shoulds,' it is hard to recognize when we can say no. If you are filling time with obligations and shoulds, it is time to do an inventory of how you are spending your time.

So the next time you are confronted with a "Do you want to....?" request. Simply say, "Let me get back to you." and then ask yourself these questions.

Who will I be helping by doing this activity?

Your kids

Your spouse

Yourself

The PTA

Your boss

Someone you love

Someone who drives you crazy

Someone who would do it for you in a heartbeat

Someone who wouldn't do it for you if it were reversed

Notice who you will be helping or WHO you are doing the activity for. It might appear it is for the PTA, but really it is for your kids. Or it might appear you are helping a neighbor, but really it is because your neighbor helped you last year, and you don't want to feel guilty later, so you are helping yourself--which is ok but helpful, to be honest about it. Get clear on who you are helping. 

Why am I doing this activity?

it will be fun

I HAVE TO or SHOULD

I am required

"A good mom" would...

I will feel guilty if I don't

it will make me smile

it will make me feel needed

to laugh

to blow off steam

keeps me active so I don't have to be at home alone

If you find yourself saying yes a lot and don't know why this is an important question. This question takes an honest answer--too often, we say yes out of obligation, to avoid guilt, or fulfill some need inside. When we are constantly saying yes when we don't want to--the answer is usually here.

What will I get out of doing this activity?

Joy

A headache

Drained

Laughter

A chance to decompress

Time with my child

Time doing my passion

Too often, the answer to this is a negative one. When we always say yes to activities no matter what we get out of them, we are so exhausted we miss engaging in the fun, joyful activities. When we can pick and choose more activities that feed us and fewer activities that drain us, we can truly enjoy the fun and joy. 

How will I feel after I do this activity?

Happy

Exhausted

Checked out

Re-energized

Tired but Grateful

Sometimes the idea of doing the activity sounds painful, but how we will feel after it is amazing. For example, working out, meditating, or going on a walk these activities usually don't sound like fun, but we get a great feeling after we do them.

When Empathy Becomes Responsibility

Empathy is a tremendous strength.

Merriam-Webster defines empathy as: The action of being sensitive to and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.

The ability to be empathetic is a gift. It allows you to understand where someone is coming from and offer support and encouragement.

For those of us with a strong empathetic trait, we can usually

• sense what someone needs before they can say it,

• see the other side of the story,

• we find it easy to step in and help

We make great friends and partners because we tend to know when to step in, and we are really, really helpful.

Where highly empathetic people run into trouble is when they turn empathy into responsibility.

Responsibility, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is:

 having the duty to take care of something for someone.

When 3 of the primary empathetic traits all work together, they combine to make the Responsibility Trifecta:

These traits are:

1. Empathy for the other person, therefore, a strong desire to be helpful.

2. Justifying any behavior (even destructive behaviors)

3. Putting your priorities last.

When these three traits combine, empathetic folks move from being understanding and sensitive to ditching their priorities and needs so they can take accountability and responsibility for someone else.

Recently a friend of mine shared her struggle with this idea. She works as a full-time teacher and has three kids under 12. There tend to be two groups of teachers at her school: those that are young, having babies, and those that are nearing retirement. Recently, many other younger teachers have started having babies, and one of the traditions is to prepare meals for them. My friend loves this idea; she remembers how much it meant to her to get these meals when she had her kids, and she empathizes with new mothers. Those nearing retirement are willing to participate in the meal program but only half-heartedly. Even though they appreciated it when they got meals, the new moms are too overwhelmed to participate.

So Susan has become the primary champion of the meal program--she has found herself self-running the whole program and cooking 2-3 meals a week for the new moms to pick up the teachers' slack. She said to me, "I barely have enough energy to cook for my family now, and that is where I want to be spending my energy." When I asked her why she didn't stop, she said, "Those first couple of weeks are so hard and having meals is so helpful." To which I asked, "Why do you have to be the one to do it all? I am sure these women have other friends and family who can make meals. It sounds like this tradition has run its course at your school, and it is time for one of the new moms to pick up the slack or for it to die."

Susan had completed the Responsibility Trifecta:

1. She wanted to help these new moms; she remembered what it felt like to be a new mom.

2. She could justify why it was ok that every other teacher didn't help out. She could explain away their behaviors.

3. Her own family's meals were pushed to the very last.

Susan had found herself responsible for the entire program.

Last week, Susan informed me that she announced to the teachers that she was stepping down from being in charge of meals; someone else could lead the program, or they could let it die down until someone had more time. Susan got a little flack and a bit of pushback, but she held her ground. And kept repeating to herself, "I am not responsible for these new mothers; they have other resources, I can be empathetic AND have to keep my priorities." Susan was excited to have her evenings back and be able to cook for her family again.

Empathy is awesome!! But when empathy becomes a responsibility, it leaves us drained and exhausted.

Danger Signs that Resentment is Hiding under your Acceptance.

Here's a scenario:

You are dropping the kids off at school. A fellow Mom runs up to ask you if you would be able to pick her kids up and watch them later that day. "My babysitter canceled last minute. Can you help?"

Immediately, you think. "No, I have errands to run and work to catch up on, and this is the 3rd time this month you have asked for this same favor."

But then suddenly, as if possessed, you hear yourself saying: "No problem," "I can handle it," 'I would be happy to help," "I got it, don't worry about it."

How often do these phrases come out of your mouth? How often are they followed with the thought of Ugh! Here we go again. Why does it always fall on me? 

We all want to be agreeable, helpful, and pleasant. But too often, our acceptance builds into resentment, and we end up paying the price in anxiety, anger, and exhaustion.

6 Danger Signs that Resentment is hiding under your Acceptance:

Inner Dialogue War:  You walk away from the situation with an inner war going on. Half of you is bitter and angry that you didn't step up and say no. Half of you is berating yourself for being so selfish and not wanting to be there for another mother. These two halves spend much of the day warring without any conclusion.

Short Tempered: As you get back in the car, your husband calls, and you pick a fight about whose job it is to make dinner. Because your plans just got destroyed, you immediately take it out on him that he is not helpful enough.

Gossip/Passive Aggressive: While you agree to watch her kids, you find yourself talking about her to the other mothers at school or making digs at her to your husband. Or maybe even taking it out on her kids. Again, when we aren't saying what we mean, it oozes out in other places.

Increased Anxiety:  When we aren't listening to ourselves and speaking up, our anxiety can go through the roof. First, you already had your day planned--now you have to reschedule your life, rearranging priorities and needs. Secondly, when you aren't speaking up for yourself, resentment increases which causes our anxiety to skyrocket.

Exhausted:  You find yourself exhausted by the end of the day. Yes, you are busy and over-worked. However, when we aren't living congruently, we say Yes when we want to say No. It is draining. This incongruency takes its toll leaving us tired, defeated, and disengaged. Not to mention the toll of putting other's needs first ahead of our priorities and errands--therefore leaving us having to scramble last minute.

Confusion-why don't they get it?: This is the number one sign of resentment--utter confusion of why don't they get it? Sometimes we think we are sending signals that we don't want to do something while the words "yes" are coming out of our mouths. But usually, those signals are so small and minute that they are barely noticeable. They don't get it because you aren't SAYING it. Bottom line: If you aren't looking out for your needs and priorities, no one else will.

Recognizing that resentment is showing up in your life is the first step. Building awareness around WHEN and WITH WHOM you tend to say yes when you mean no is the next. And slowly learning how to speak your needs, stand up for yourself and say NO consistently is the next. 

Setting Boundaries with Compassion

Setting boundaries is challenging and confusing. We are taught to have curiosity about other people and be compassionate about what they are dealing with, so how can we then set a boundary that feels so cold and mean. So I want to clear up some confusion about boundaries.

Boundaries are part of a healthy relationship. When we can define where we end, and another person begins, that is healthy. Boundaries help us teach other people how to treat us. They let others know when we are angry, sad or pushed too far. When we can communicate our boundaries and let others know they have crossed them, we can make fundamental changes in a relationship. Too often, we are taught that saying no, making a request, speaking a need means we are selfish, needy, or disrespectful. But in reality, how can someone ever really get to know you if they don't know where your edges are, what makes you hurt, and what your needs are. Boundaries allow us to fully show up as humans, which naturally allows a healthy relationship to grow.

You can be curious about someone's behavior AND set a boundary. Your friend is always running late; sometimes it is 5 minutes, sometimes it is 30 minutes. But you can always count on him to be late. For the most part, this behavior doesn't bother you, but there are times when you are left sitting at a restaurant, or you missed the beginning of a movie because he was late. So you might have some curiosity around this behavior, and you might even come to understand that he just can't help it. He gets caught up in activities and loses track of time. Even though you know this about him, you understand this about him, and you have compassion for him; you also know that this behavior annoys you.

In all honesty, this behavior DRIVE YOU CRAZY. And that, my friend, is valid. You have every right to express that he drives you crazy being late and draw a boundary around it. So the conversation can go like this. You can say, "Hey Fred, I know you have a problem with running late. I get it you get caught up in doing stuff, and you lose track of time. But last week, when we missed the first 30 minutes of the movie, I was annoyed. So from now on, if you are late by more than 10 minutes, I am moving on without you." Boundary set. Fred can respond however he wants to. The chances are that Fred gets it and will want to change the behavior. But you have lovingly set the boundary.

You don't always have to explain the boundary. Sometimes it is necessary to set a boundary, but you don't always have to explain what you are doing. This is handy with people who aren't open to your feedback or relationships that aren't as close. For example, you have a co-worker, Mindy, who loves to play the victim role, and whenever you see her, she goes on and on about how terrible her life is and yet, takes no responsibility for it. She always asks you to go to happy hour and inevitably spends 3 hours talking about her miserable life her life, and it just leaves you drained.

If you choose, you can have a conversation with Mindy about this behavior, but the chances are that Mindy won't be able to hear you, and because she is a co-worker, you need to be able to work with her without animosity. So you can set a boundary without having an explanatory conversation. You can decide that you will only go out with her over the lunch hour because the time will be limited. Or you are only going to lunch with her if you can get other co-workers to go too. There are many creative ways you can limit your contact with her by setting a boundary without sitting her down and explaining the boundary. Chances are, if you said to her, "Mindy, I get you have a crappy life, and it is just hard to spend time with you because all you do is complain." Mindy won't be able to hear you and won't be able to change.

Boundaries are a healthy part of life and are a definite challenge to set. As you practice setting them, they can get easier.

Changing the Rules

Recently a friend and I talked about a struggle she was having with the siblings in her family. For years she was the dependable, organized, 'you can always count on me' sibling. For years she had gotten taken advantage of in doing that. Over the years, she had been doing her own work around this issue. She had started drawing firmer boundaries when it came to her family members. She felt good about her changes and personal growth and was celebrating the freedom she was experiencing.

When it came time for a family gathering, she held her boundaries and didn't pick up the slack as usual. Suddenly her siblings had all kinds of hostile reactions. They were writing angry emails and sending hostile voicemails. Her siblings weren't able to articulate what they were upset about, so they put up all kids of smokescreens getting angry about everything, bringing up past hurts, naming old grievances, and just being generally mean. My friend was hurt and confused. She knew they would be upset, but not like this.

In essence, she changed the rules. She changed the family dynamics. Similarly to dominoes, when one domino changes its position, it affects the rest of the dominos. Her family didn't know what exactly was happening. They just recognized the rule change, and they didn't like it, so they reacted negatively. They blamed her, tried to make her feel guilty, and generally beat up on her. My friend was confused. She had worked so hard to make positive changes only to be greeted with hostility.

As individuals, we work so hard to make changes in ourselves. We don't realize how those changes (either small or large) affect those around us.

When we set new boundaries, have different reactions, or change a pattern, we are changing the rules of the system. This rule changing requires adjustments for those around us. They have to learn how to move around the new boundary, pick up the slack, or change their reaction as well.

Sometimes those adjustments can be made quickly without much effort, and sometimes those adjustments are met with great hostility and anger. We as human beings don't like change, especially when we aren't controlling the change. So when you change the system, an unwelcome (and rarely thought of) side effect is that people might be upset. And THAT IS OK. Just because they are upset doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. It just means the system needs time to shift. So be patient with those around you and hold your new ground.

Allow them time to vent, get angry, adjust and catch up. It is a spiritual law that I have found to be true--as you change, people will either rise to meet your new path or fall off your path. That choice will occur naturally. Your job is to be patient and stay steady on your new path. My friend's family did come around. It just took them a while.

What are you Gaining from People Pleasing?

Somewhere we learned that our needs aren't as important as other people's. We learned that our role is to predict, mind-read, and generally guess what the other person needs or might need so that we can fill it for them.

Here is an example of a friend of mine. Liz (not her real name) attended her annual family vacation last month. She spent so much of her time making sure that her brother and sister were happy that she didn't even know if she had a good time. Liz spent the whole week of vacation trying to figure out the perfect restaurant for everyone, the perfect beach spot, the perfect dinnertime conversation! She made sure she kept her brother and brother-in-law (sister's husband) separate the whole time and made sure her mother didn't get on her sister's nerves. In short, Liz felt responsible for everyone else's happiness. I asked Liz, "What would happen if you stopped engaging in the behavior?" and she said, "I have no idea, but I can only imagine how stressful it would be." She had played this role for years, and they counted on her. They needed her in that role.

The first step in changing your people-pleasing ways is to recognize that you engage in this behavior. The second step is to recognize that you are getting something out of it!!! Yep, that is a hard one to swallow, my friend. But it is true. Because Liz people pleases, she feels more important, they "need me to take care of them," they "need me to pick the perfect restaurant" if "I don't take care of them, they will be miserable." The truth is they might be angry, lost, or frustrated if Liz didn't step up and take over, but they would eventually figure it out. If they had to, Liz's family would figure out how to get along. As a people pleaser, we tend to get in this rut of believing we are irreplaceable, believing that our overt need to over give and wear ourselves out is helping everyone. In reality, we are hurting ourselves AND those around us.

Once Liz recognizes she is a people pleaser, she has to ask herself: What am I getting out of this pattern? The two main things I have seen in myself and my clients that we gain are:

1. A sense of importance, a sense of security/identity in her role, and the kudos from her family about what she contributes.

2. When she pours all her energy into her family/friends, she doesn't have time to look at her life, to look at her own wants/needs.

Looking inward is too hard and challenging for some of us because we are afraid we might not like what we see. By focusing on everyone else, Liz is too exhausted to look at her own life and figure out her desires. People-pleasing allows her to never really go for her dreams because she just doesn't have time. Changing the habit of people-pleasing is hard because we usually are gaining a lot from this role. Once we realize what we are gaining and that it just isn't worth the price, we can start changing the behavior.

The problem with people-pleasing we get so caught up in being hyper-aware of everyone else and making sure everyone else is having fun and getting their needs met--we forget our own. It is an unfulfilling way to live. Logically we can't read people's minds; we can't make everyone happy. We can only make ourselves happy and be kind and caring to those around us. We have to trust that if we stop people-pleasing and look inside, there is a beautiful, magical world. We have to trust that those around us will figure out how to make themselves happy. We have to trust that when we all just take care of ourselves, stop mind-reading, stop playing the victim and be kind to one another, we will live happier.

Healthy Relationships and a Game of Catch

One of the ideas of relationships I particularly like is the analogy of throwing the ball. Ideally, a relationship is a two-way street where both people are giving and receiving 100%. Both parties are engaged and wanting to participate in the relationship. Think of a relationship as a game of catch. In a healthy, dynamic relationship, the game of catch goes back and forth, becoming playful at times and dutiful at times, but each time Person A throws the ball and Person B catches it (or at least picks it up) and throws it back. When Person A throws the ball in an unhealthy relationship, Person B just lets it fall to the ground, so person A runs over and picks it up and eventually throws it back. Person B might throw it back every third time, and so while it isn't an even game of catch, it is enough of a game that Person A continues to throw the ball in the hopes that maybe this time Person B will play along. This unhealthy dynamic continues, and the game of catch isn't even--sometimes Person A is the only one playing, and sometimes Person B is the only one playing. If you ever played catch alone, it is lonely, frustrating, and exhausting.

The goal is to have your relationship be an engaging game of catch as much as possible. Recognizing that there might be times when our partners can't play with us because of health reasons or stress reasons but knowing in a healthy relationship those times are limited. The key is having both parties engaged, so even if Person A throws the ball and because of poor health or stress, Person B can only throw it a quarter of the way back, both parties are still engaged and trying.

When both partners are catching and throwing the ball equally, the relationship dynamic becomes playful and energized. When only one person is throwing the ball, the relationship dynamic becomes demoralizing, lonely, and draining.  

Think about your significant relationships: are you the one always throwing the ball? Does your partner try to catch the ball and return it to you? Are you trying to catch the ball when your partner throws it?