Obligations and Shoulds—When to Say No

I have written several blog posts on the art of saying no. Sometimes the real battle comes with when to say no. We have so many obligations, so many 'shoulds,' it is hard to recognize when we can say no. If you are filling time with obligations and shoulds, it is time to do an inventory of how you are spending your time.

So the next time you are confronted with a "Do you want to....?" request. Simply say, "Let me get back to you." and then ask yourself these questions.

Who will I be helping by doing this activity?

Your kids

Your spouse

Yourself

The PTA

Your boss

Someone you love

Someone who drives you crazy

Someone who would do it for you in a heartbeat

Someone who wouldn't do it for you if it were reversed

Notice who you will be helping or WHO you are doing the activity for. It might appear it is for the PTA, but really it is for your kids. Or it might appear you are helping a neighbor, but really it is because your neighbor helped you last year, and you don't want to feel guilty later, so you are helping yourself--which is ok but helpful, to be honest about it. Get clear on who you are helping. 

Why am I doing this activity?

it will be fun

I HAVE TO or SHOULD

I am required

"A good mom" would...

I will feel guilty if I don't

it will make me smile

it will make me feel needed

to laugh

to blow off steam

keeps me active so I don't have to be at home alone

If you find yourself saying yes a lot and don't know why this is an important question. This question takes an honest answer--too often, we say yes out of obligation, to avoid guilt, or fulfill some need inside. When we are constantly saying yes when we don't want to--the answer is usually here.

What will I get out of doing this activity?

Joy

A headache

Drained

Laughter

A chance to decompress

Time with my child

Time doing my passion

Too often, the answer to this is a negative one. When we always say yes to activities no matter what we get out of them, we are so exhausted we miss engaging in the fun, joyful activities. When we can pick and choose more activities that feed us and fewer activities that drain us, we can truly enjoy the fun and joy. 

How will I feel after I do this activity?

Happy

Exhausted

Checked out

Re-energized

Tired but Grateful

Sometimes the idea of doing the activity sounds painful, but how we will feel after it is amazing. For example, working out, meditating, or going on a walk these activities usually don't sound like fun, but we get a great feeling after we do them.