Season 4 Episode 4: Vacationing with High Functioning Anxiety
Vacation sounds delightful, but it can cause anxiety to go even higher.
When most people think of vacation, their thoughts are simple: awesome, great, I love to go on vacation, and this will be THE BEST. For people with High-Functioning Anxiety, vacation can be a lot more complicated than that. Resting sounds delightful, but it can cause anxiety to go even higher! Nancy shares why she both loves and hates vacations. Plus, she answers listener questions and gives concrete advice about how to actually have fun on your next vacation, even if you have High Functioning Anxiety.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Nancy's personal relationship with vacation.
A Q&A where Nancy answers questions about how to handle vacation when you have high-functioning anxiety.
Tips for folks with High Functioning Anxiety who actually want to relax on vacations.
Learn more about Self Loyalty School:
+ Read the Transcript
The Happier Approach, Season 4, Episode 4: Vacation | Transcript Nancy Jane Smith: Hey, guys. It's me, Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to The Happier Approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. In today's episode, we're tackling the topic of vacation. Seems pretty simple. Plan a trip, relax, and enjoy.
Right? Well, not. I love vacation. I mean, who doesn't freedom, seeing new places, not having to work, hanging with friends or family? I mean, how could it be bad? Well, for those of us with high functioning anxiety vacations, they can be complicated because we don't always get to take a vacation from our anxiety.
My high functioning anxiety has taken over more than one vacation in my life. My husband and I are big fans of Dave Matthews Band. 11 years ago, we saw the band perform at a three day music festival at the Gorge in Washington State. It was my first music festival, my first three day camping trip, and my first not just hanging on a beach vacation with my husband.
I was anxious, and as we pulled into the festival grounds, I was quiet, which is my go-to anxiety. As I obsessed about who we would be camping next to and whether they would be young, old, or loud, as the ground officials motioned for me to turn into our spot, I was giddy. It was on an end, so at least we wouldn't be surrounded by loud, annoying people.
As we started unloading our gear, two guys our age greeted us, and then five more people approached us who also were our age and had been to countless Dave. The nine of us became fast friends and hung out the entire festival. One bullet dodged, but my anxiety was still high. There were too many new experiences for it not to be, but if you'd asked me was I anxious, I would've probably said no.
At some point in the three day extravaganza, I earned the nickname Mama Bear because I was the person that was taking care of everyone. I made sure everyone was safe and together at the concert, I made sure everyone made it back to the campsite each night. I made sure everyone was hydrated and had lotion during the day.
I was mama. But I wasn't anxious about someone getting sunburned or lost on the way back to our site. Looking back, I felt anxious about fitting in, figuring out where to shower and what to do with my time between concerts. Being Mama Bear allowed me to channel that anxiety into something, but it also had a downside.
Sometimes I was so busy caretaking, I missed part of the concert or spent time walking to fill up people's water bottles rather than just relaxing. This is why I wanted to do an episode devoted to high functioning anxiety and. Self loyalty school. My program to quiet, high functioning anxiety has a q and a portion, a monthly private podcast called Ask Nancy Jane, which I love.
So I wanted to bring some of that energy to our season on rest. Today, we will hear from three different people whose high functioning anxiety is running the show on their.
Caretaker Carol:
Dear Nancy Jane, Every year my family and I rent a large house in the outer banks. We have been doing this since I was a kid. All my siblings, aunts and uncles and their families under one roof, all totaled. It's usually about 30. It is my favorite week of the year. Well, I want it to be one of my favorite weeks of the year, but I usually end up a stressed out mess no matter how many times I've tried.
I am always the caretaker for everyone. I'm the point person, the one in charge, and I don't want to be that person. I mean, last year I swore I wouldn't be the caretaker. So we had a family meeting where I shared all the tasks I had done in the past and split them up between the group. But midweek, I noticed myself unpacking lunches for the beach when it wasn't my task.
How do I get out of this cycle?
Love Caretaker, Carol.
Nancy Jane Smith:
Hey Carol.
Thanks so much for your question, man. Can I relate to your story? I have struggled with this so much with my family. First off, it sounds amazing to spend all that time with your family on the beach at the Outer Banks. It sounds amazing, but what you ran into is what a lot of people run into when they try to solve this problem.
Especially a lot of people with high functioning anxiety because you solved. The external part of the problem, which was assigning the tasks to other people, and you did a great job of doing that, having the family meeting, communicating what it is you needed, communicating what the tasks were, and having people take responsibility for them.
But the part that got a little messy there is the internal part, the part where you are saying, I need to let them suffer. I need to be okay that they may fail. They may fail, and they may fail, and so you need to be okay with that process, which is where it gets sticky. Because a lot of times we're not okay with that.
We try to change what other people are doing, but we leave out the part where we need to change how we're reacting to what they're doing. So this is about you practicing ask, which is about acknowledging what you're feeling, slowing down and getting into your body, and kindly pulling back to see the big picture you were going to be practicing.
A lot on vacation , at least initially, because you're going to have a lot of feelings every time this stuff comes up where your brother is late to start dinner. Or you can see that your sister has not done the grocery shopping and she needs to get on that. And you need to be okay that the vacation isn't going to go the way it always has been.
And that's. By practicing ask. That's allowing you to acknowledge what's really going on, to acknowledge your frustration, your sadness, your disappointment, your exhaustion, all the things that you are feeling, and because. I'm guessing this trip, as much as you love spending time with your family, as all families do, they stress the crap out of you.
They stress you out so much, and so what do you want to do? You want to serve others, you want to get rid of that anxiety. And how we know to get rid of our anxiety is by caring for other people and giving back and pleasing. And so that's why it's so important for you to have this internal plan as well, to be able to handle that extra anxiety.
You're probably going to be carrying on vacation. Because you're not going to have the outlet of caregiving. So when dinner is going crazy and your brother's cooking the wrong thing, you're going to get out of the house, go to the beach, take a walk, slow down, get into your body, feel your whole body moving, and then Kay is the kindly pull back to see the big picture.
Come up with a sentence that your biggest fan would say something like this, sweet peanut. This vacation is for all. It's not just for me. It's not just for them. I deserve a vacation just as much as they do, and what is important to me on my vacation is hanging out with the family, relaxing, reading, walking on the beach, all of these things that I'm going to be enjoying.
Reminding yourself this is a vacation and you can be on vacation just as much as your family can be on vacation. And then the most important part there is bringing yourself back to what is it you want to get out of vacation? Set those values really up there so that you can remember, Oh yeah, I want this to be relaxing.
Or I wanted to really connect with my son because we haven't been connecting very well. Or I want to just hang on the beach and do absolutely nothing for hours on end. Remind yourself of those things so that when you start noticing your anxiety, when you start noticing that you're struggling with your family, doing it wrong, quote-unquote, You can bring yourself back to that case step and remind yourself what is most important for you in that situation.
It is not that dinner gets cooked on time. What is most important in that situation is that all of your family is gathering together. They are healthy, they are happy, and they're having fun and being together. So those are my thoughts, caretaker Carol. I hope that's helpful.
Rule Following Rachel:
Dear Nancy Jane,
I have loved vacations ever since I was a little girl. I immersed myself in a new place, leaving my worries behind and learning something completely different.
Do you know the secret to vacationing ruled? Lots of rules.
All those rules make vacationing more fun because you know what to expect and where to be, and you can make sure you are doing everything the best.
But my family is protesting and they refuse to go on another one of my militant vacations. They want us to plan a beach vacation with no rules, which means no research, no plans, and no trying to do it best. I don't think I can do it.
Please advise.
Rule following Rachel.
Nancy Jane Smith:
Hey Rachel.
Thanks so much for your question. You know, it reminded me of a few years ago, a former client of mine said to me that she absolutely loved going on vacation, because that was the only time her anxiety wasn't high. Because there were so many rules that were easy to follow, and I can totally relate, oh my God, to the research and trying to find the best way and oh my gosh.
But the reminder of that is the rule-following is in response to your anxiety. And so you are following all these rules in order to quiet your anxiety while you're on vacation. Now, unfortunately, your family isn't having quite the same response and they're protesting against these militant vacations you've been taking them on.
So what I propose is a, a mix of both. I propose that maybe you go to the beach and give your family that level of freedom, but also trying to pick a beach that is close to. So you can spend an afternoon hanging with your family while you spent the morning looking for the greatest coffee shop or the best place to go and hang out.
And so it gives a mix of you getting the rules and getting that anxiety relief in while also getting time with your family on their beach vacation and giving them what they want. The key to that is going to be twofold. One is you're going to have to make sure you're communicating with your family. When is the best time to be hanging out?
So for you to recognize, wait, my anxiety's really high in the morning, and so that's the time that I want to get out and I want to be checking things out and, and trying to find the best of whatever it is you're looking for. In the afternoon is when I'm a little more relaxed and I can spend more time with the family without getting so stressed out for you to get clear on.
When is your anxiety the worst? The other thing is to recognize that it's still an internal process. This is still a problem, that your anxiety is out of control, and that's why it's coming out. I'm going to encourage you to practice ask during those times when you are lounging on the beach or you're playing a game in the Airbnb with your family and you notice your anxiety going.
And I want you to acknowledge what it is you're feeling in that moment. To acknowledge the anxiety, to acknowledge the fear or the sadness or the shame that you have for just sitting, playing a game on a vacation day, rather than all the programming you might have gotten as a child of the perfect things to do is to travel and to see, and to expand beyond just doing a puzzle and to recognize that's old programming that isn't necessarily true anymore.
Also again, to bring it back to what are your values, Rachel? Are your values always going to be to go and do and see and have the best and have lots of rules? At the sacrifice of your family or are your values to be, Wait, I want to spend time with my family and do the things they want to do, and I want to have a vacation where I'm doing and seeing and a part of something.
So it needs to be really important that you're clear on, Wait a minute, am I obsessing about getting out in the perfect place and doing all the research and finding all the. Because that is true to who I am or am I doing that because it helps me feel better with my anxiety and or it's an old pattern from growing up.
And as you're sitting there doing the puzzle to be able to acknowledge what you're feeling, slow down and get into your body. You know, feel your feet on the floor and your butt in the seat, and then kindly pull back to see the big picture, which is going to be able to say to yourself, Hey, sweet peanut, wow, this is amazingly hard to sit here and do a puzzle with my family, and I really want to be engaged with them, but my mind is elsewhere.
Let me bring myself. And keep bringing myself back and recognize this is what's most important right here, being with my family. That's the key, Rachel. Do in a mix of both. Can you have a militant vacation in the morning and a relaxing vacation in the afternoon, which gives you a chance to start practicing on solving your anxiety and really getting present to that in the afternoon while getting to be able to be fun and do the things you want to do in.
Okay,
Thanks Rachel.
Can't Relax Katie:
Dear Nancy Jane,
I love vacations. I love thinking about it Beforehand, days and days doing nothing. I love researching and planning where to stay and eat. I love planning love books. I will read during all of my leisure time, but best laid when I finally arrive at my vacation destination. I cannot relax to save my.
Days and days of doing nothing suddenly feels downright awful. Rather than lounging on a beach chair, I stay inside to obsessively research places we should explore, or I decide to walk the beach. And rather than leisurely strolling, I challenge myself to power walk and then get annoyed at the sea shell hunters blocking my path by the time I finally unwind enough to read on the beach for more than five. It is the last day of vacation.
Why does this keep happening to me?
From, Can't Relax, Katie.
Nancy Jane Smith:
Hey Katie.
Thanks for your question. So, Can't relax. I totally understand that as well. It's another way high functioning anxiety shows up is that we are so dying to have the relaxation because we have pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. You are pushing and pushing and pushing and, and really amplifying vacation as this whole time when like this holy grail period where everything will finally be healed and you can be a totally different person who will suddenly love lounging on the beach reading.
Even though you can't read at home to save your life because you're too anxious. But the problem is when we get on vacation, you know, it's that old saying, wherever we go, there we are. It's not like I suddenly get a personality transplant when I go on vacation. And I say that because I spent years, years and years and years.
And I still do it in this pattern of thinking, Ah, once I get there then I will be relaxed and I'll suddenly become the super chill person. Make sure. Setting reasonable expectations for what your vacation is going to be. And so maybe seven days of a beach vacation isn't in the carts. You know, maybe that isn't the way you want to spend your vacation.
Maybe it is that, Hey, I love the beach. I love going on vacation to the beach, but I want to make sure that I'm mixing in other activities. There. So my husband and I, he loves beach vacations. I'm not as big of a fan, but I will go with him. I'm similar to you. I don't want to lounge on the beach for days and days and days.
So I often plan excursions for us or or events that we can do that I've well researched and figured out. And so we have a day of relaxing and then a day of an activity. And so that kind of breaks it up. So when I arrive at the beach, I'm not thinking, Oh my god, Seven days of doing nothing, and that sends my anxiety through the roof.
The other thing that I wanted to share is the idea of really getting curious of what is happening when you're relaxing. When I have the day of relaxing or the afternoon of relaxing, I'll challenge myself to just take the day in 30 minute increments. So I'm going to sit here and read for 30 minutes. Or I'm going to, you know, watch a movie with my husband inside for two hours, or I'm going to swim in the pool or get in the ocean for a half an hour.
And the reason I do that, not because I need the time limits, is because when I have a whole day of nothing in front of me, it causes a lot of anxiety of what can I do? What should I do, what should I do, what should I do? And I get very focused. The right way. I need to find the right way, the right vacation, the right thing to do.
And so by doing this 30 minute increment concept, it allows me to bust up the day. Oh. So right now I'm just reading. It allows me to break up the day and I don't have the day looming ahead of me. It also allows me to say, I'm going to read for 30 minutes, so that means I'm going to have 30 minutes to ease into reading and I'm going to sit here and I'm going to read my book and I may look up after 10 minutes and be like, I can't read anymore. And I'm like, Nope, we're doing 30 minutes of reading, so let's go back until I can get into the groove of reading. Because sometimes when our anxiety's high, it takes us a little bit of time to get back into the.
If I recognize I can't do this, I can't read, I'm going to recognize, you know what? My anxiety's too high at this point in my life and reading is off the table, so I can't read on this vacation. That's okay. Be kind about that. Remember, it's not, There is no perfect vacation. It's about finding what's relaxing for.
In this vacation. Now, next year when you come on vacation, you may be a reading machine and that's all you do is read. But this year that may not be what you can do. That idea of baby steps of recognizing I don't have to read the whole day, I can read for half an hour. And then the idea also of getting curious when does my body relax best?
Maybe it relaxes. At the end of the day, and so that's when you put in your reading and your relaxing time while you're having a glass of wine watching the sunset. It's not about finding the perfect way to relax, it's about finding the perfect way to relax for you, Katie, and that may vary from year to year, but it's really about getting curious about what is the best way for me to relax and how can I give myself a break around how hard it is for me to relax? Okay, thanks Katie. I hope that helps.
Thanks to Carol, Rachel and Katie for sharing their questions. I hope that my answers gave listeners with high functioning anxiety, some hope that they'll be able to enjoy the next vacation they go on.
If you're interested in listening to more one-on-one Q&A's with me, you can sign up for Self Loyalty School, where I do a Q&A through a private podcast feed every month. We cover lots of topics, not just vacation. If you're interested in learning more, you can go to SelfLoyaltySchool.com
That's it for this week. In our next episode, we're taking on a divisive topic, napping. Love it. Hate it. We'll talk once again with Dr. Sarah Mednick about how you can harness the power of napping.
To be more rested and productive, even if you're not sure how it could fit into your life. That's next time on The Happier Approach. The Happier Approach is produced by Nikki Stein and me, Nancy Jane Smith. Music provided by Pod five and Epidemic Sound for more episodes. To get in touch or to learn more about quieting high functioning anxiety, you can visit nancy jane smith.com and if you like the show, leave us a review. It actually helps us out a lot.
Special thanks to Hillary Rea, Natira McDermott and Nicki Stein for providing the voices of Katie, Rachel, and Carol on today's episode, The Happier Approach will be back with another episode in two weeks. Take care until then.