Episode 023: There is No Right Answer
I want to start a revolution, a Listening Revolution. It starts with a ban on unsolicited advice.
+ Read the Transcript
I want to chat a little bit about the idea that there is no right way. Let's take setting boundaries is a big part of living happier, and learning how to do that is a big way to live happier and reduce stress. Because when we have good boundaries in place, it decreases our stress, our resentment, and it helps us just be happier people.
When I'm teaching people about setting boundaries, there is no right way to set a boundary. And so it's a hard one to teach because people want to learn the A plus B plus C concept of teaching boundaries. Here are the steps you have to take to set a boundary. So it's super clear that I'm going to immediately know when I need to set a boundary. I'm going to know how to set a boundary. I'm going to be able to have that conversation and have it go smoothly. And then we'll be able to reset the boundary if I need to.
As soon as I learned the formula, a plus B plus c Poof!, that will be great. And that doesn't happen, unfortunately. So boundaries it's a messy process, and it's individualized; each situation is individualized. And so it's a hard one to learn a plus B plus C. I have a great example of that that happened earlier this week. I teach a class, it's an intense group called the deep dive, and we have a Facebook group. We meet for a teleseminar once a month. And so this month, we're meeting this week, and I messed up the time.
So I thought the time was at seven, and it turned out it was at 6:30. So I posted the information about the teleseminar on our Facebook group and said, 7:00 see you there. And someone chimed in and said, "oh, I thought it was at 6:30?" And I chimed back and said, Do we need to move it to 6:30 or does 7:00 work better? What are people thinking?" And another participant chimed in and said, "7:00 works better for me." So I went along with that just fine.
Figuring we were going to do it at 7:00 pm. Meanwhile, the client who had said is it at 6:30 called me and said, "I have something at 7:30. So it has to be 6:30. I can't make the seven o'clock time because I have to leave to hit my 7:30 appointment." I immediately started feeling triggered because I messed up the time.
I'm the one that failed. I'm supposed to be the leader of this group. I'm supposed to have this all together. I'm supposed to be clear and concise and not mess up. One of my inner critics is a perfectionist. And so my perfectionist is going bananas that here, I'm not only the leader of this group. So I'm supposed to know how to handle all situations perfectly.
I messed up a time. And that was a pretty big deal. So I suggested that the client post again on Facebook, telling the group that she requested the 6:30 time. Fortunately, the "trauma" or the problem ended did just fine. The woman who had said she liked the seven o'clock time chimed in and said, that's totally fine. Let's just make this easy on Nancy and go back to the 6:30 time. Because she's, stressing out and trying to make all of us happy. And it was an awesome lesson for everyone that there is no right way. And the last post that I put on Facebook was to say that the time is at 6:30. And to share that this was a great example of where there isn't a right way to do this. That was a messy situation, and there was no right way other than owning. Hey, I messed up, and I picked the wrong time, knowing that I did that. How can we fix this and make this go a little smoother? And I think that's the crux of living happier, just being honest with ourselves that this is what's happening right in front of us. And that's something I'm trying to implement more in my life, both personally and teaching it professionally, is just accepting what is and accepting that this is what's happening right now.
Right now, I'm in a really bad mood, and I don't want to be. Right now, setting this boundary is hard, and I don't know what to do next and recognize it. There is no right way. There's no right way to set the boundary. There's no right mood. I need to be in. There's no right feeling I need to be having right now.
This is what's happening. This is the truth of what's happening in my life. And when we can just own that truth, we can feel better. And so when I owned the truth to the group of, Hey, I'm not perfect. I may lead this class and teach this deep dive program, but I don't know everything a hundred percent.
And that's hard to admit that, that authenticity, it can be hard just to say, I don't know here. And I think that is. The one lesson that is the crux of living happier is recognizing; I don't know. I don't know what the right way is here. And that's okay. Being comfortable in the uncomfortable is the key to living happier because life is uncomfortable and learning this stuff is hard. Getting in there and figuring out where you set a boundary and where to speak up for ourselves and where we're people-pleasing and where our perfectionism is getting in the way can be challenging and complicated, and messy. And so, recognizing that I don't know is okay. Step one is just recognizing, I may not know how to do this, and that's okay. There is no right way. And let me go back to the stuff I know and the stuff I can implement right now.
So yeah, if I could go back and redo the timing of class and get the time right and figure it out. Not just hurry to post the thing on Facebook, but check the time and make sure it was 7:00 and not 6:30. Yeah. Life would be a lot easier, but I didn't do that. So I need to move on and work with what I have and be honest with where I am. And I think that radical honesty of recognizing there is no right way I messed up, or I'm not feeling the way I want to be feeling right now, or this day isn't going the way I want it to be going.
And that's okay. And we get so tight and hold onto the reins so hard to make sure that our perfectionism stays. And that our great exterior is seen by everyone that everything is awesome, that we hold on to that facade so hard that we miss out on the growth that comes from being authentic because that's where the real growth comes.
Not from immediately knowing the answer or immediately knowing what I should do next. The growth comes from recognizing, I don't know here, and I'm going to give myself a break. And I'm going to own the fact that I don't know where to go next and I don't know the right way. So let me be honest and authentic and ask for help if I need it or take a break if I needed or take some time to figure it out and ask for advice or ask for help, or just pause here because there is no right way.
And I got to figure it out on my own, and that's engaging in some messy work. Recently, I had someone say to me that I needed to stop using the word messy because it had such a negative connotation. And I bristled because I love the phrase messy because I think that messy isn't negative. When we think of pure joy in kids, it comes from getting messy and playing with finger paints or getting in the mud and rubbing all over themselves, like that messy.
It is where real joy comes in, and real sorrow and all of it mixed together in one giant mud bath of mess. And I think that's the marrow of life. That's what we're going after here. That's what we want to be accomplishing. So anyway, I'll get off my rant here, but I wanted to just, that has come up multiple times this week, the concept of having a right way.
And what do I need to do next to live happier is a question I get a lot, and I want to say there is no plus B plus C formula to living happier. I wish I could give you one and give myself one too, but there isn't one. It is just getting quiet, taking the pause, and remembering that it's okay that we don't know. Remembering that it's okay not to have the next step and giving ourselves a lot of compassion around that. We're human. And we're trying to figure this out, and that's okay.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Take 3 Deep Breaths at a Stop Light
Breathwork is one of those areas I KNOW is good for me and yet struggle so hard to implement into my life. The more I study happiness and stress management the more I can’t avoid the power of the breath. This is an oldie but a goody but it is an easy way to introduce deep breathing into our lives.