Episode 022: A Ban on Unsolicited Advice
I want to start a revolution, a Listening Revolution. It starts with a ban on unsolicited advice.
+ Read the Transcript
You're having issues with your relationship. You're frustrated. You don't know whether you should stay or go, and you just really want to vent. And tonight, you're excited because you're finally going to be able to meet with a friend for drinks.
You can cut loose, have fun and vent some of your frustration. So you go to meet your friend and halfway through your glass of wine and your vent. She starts sharing her story about her relationship or a past relationship that she feels is somewhat similar or offering you tips on what you should be doing.
Worse yet, she starts telling you, at least you have a man. As Brené Brown says, no loving statement ever starts with the term, at least. Do you feel supported? No. Do you feel loved? No. Do you feel annoyed, insulted, or anything? Most likely, are there times that we need advice? Yes.
However, most of the time, we just need someone to listen. So when we're coming to someone to vent, even if we know what we should do or what we want to do, we probably aren't quite ready to do it, thus, why we are venting in the first place. But when someone says to us, here's what you should do. It immediately implies that whatever we are doing, we're handling it wrong.
It immediately implies that we're doing it incorrectly. Unsolicited advice isn't support. Unsolicited advice is there to make the advice-giver feel like they are helping unsolicited advice. 90% of the time makes the person who's venting feel like crap. Unsolicited advice is a connection killer. It shifts the power and completely stops any chance of connection. Unsolicited advice might feel like it's coming from a loving place of "I'm just trying to help" or "I've been there, so I have some wisdom to share." True.
The advice-giver might have the best intentions, but when she shares her unsolicited advice, she isn't allowing you to have your own journey, to struggle with your unique relationship, to figure it out, to learn, to grow. Instead, whether it's true or not, she is telling you, I know better about your life and your story, and here's what you should do. So why do so many of us give unsolicited advice? And I do mean us, cause we're all guilty of this one time or another, even I who pride myself on listing and do it for a living, I've fallen into this bad habit from time to time because it's easy because we do want to.
Because watching someone else struggle is hard and challenging, especially if we've been there before. And we feel like we know the way out, but we know the way out for what worked with our life. We don't know the way out for them.
So when you think about your own life in this example, what was more helpful? The friend who hugged you and said, "I love you," or the friend who said, "Hey, here's what you should do..." Because we all get stuck. We all don't move through transition as fast as we want to or as fast as our friends want us to. And in those moments, it's the people who have said to me, "I believe in you. You will get through this." And "Wow. That must really be frustrating." Those were the most helpful.
What can we do about this epidemic that's killing relationships because we are not listening to each other? So I ask you to join the unsolicited advice ban. The first step is to catch yourself as you give unsolicited advice. At first, you won't notice it until after the interaction.
And then gradually, you will start noticing it in the interaction. For example, you'll start noticing how uncomfortable you get when someone starts talking about their pain. And you'll start noticing that your Monger comes up and tells you, I don't know what to say and what should I do? And so you start blurbing out advice because that fills the space, drops your anxiety, and makes you feel more comfortable.
You eventually will catch yourself doing this. And whether you catch yourself before, during, or after the interaction, acknowledge it and own it, apologize to the person you tried to fix. Simply say, "I'm sorry. I want to help. And I realized that giving unsolicited advice might not be the best way. So I'm just going to listen until you ask me for advice.
Asking for advice is very different than unsolicited advice. Asking for advice means I don't know what to do, and I'm coming to you to find out. Unsolicited means I'm just throwing it out there because I'm uncomfortable with my own crap, and I need to take care of you. So pay attention to how you feel when someone is sharing their venting with you, how you feel that, how you want to fix it, notice that feeling, and catch yourself as often as possible.
When you have to apologize and say, "I'm sorry, I'm trying to get better about this." And all you have to do is say, "thank you for sharing. I'm really honored that you're sharing all this with me" or,
"oh my gosh, that must be terrible to be stuck in this relationship where you don't know what to do" or "wow let's try to figure this out. Let's really think this through together."
So there are a lot of ways that we. Interact with people other than just, "huh? Yeah." We can actively listen to people and mirror back what it is they say. I find that in my practice all the time, but the number one way I help people is simply by being there to listen.
So if we could listen to each other and get rid of my job, that would be awesome because we would all be giving each other loving support instead of this unsolicited advice. So step two in the unsolicited advice ban is to speak up when someone gives you unsolicited advice.
So similarly, at first, you probably won't notice it until after the interaction because we're so used to someone giving us unsolicited advice and then gradually. Then, you'll start noticing it in the interaction. You'll notice it in your body. How harsh it feels when someone says, here's what you should do.
Or, you'll notice it as you're driving home thinking. Wow, that was totally unfulfilling. All I did was her about her crappy relationship. I didn't have any time to vent about mine. And when you figure it out that person has put unsolicited advice on you, simply say to your friend as lovingly as possible.
"I know you're trying to help, and your heart is in the right place. And right now, I just need to vent. I just need you to listen. And when I'm ready for advice, I will ask for it." And that's key; there's a lot that goes around; oh, men, they only give advice. They don't listen. They only give unsolicited advice.
And so, if you're in a relationship with a man. This is going to be key; you're going to have to tell him, you know what, I just need you to listen, or I need some advice. Can we brainstorm some solutions? And I do that with my husband all the time. I sit him down, I'm getting ready to vent, and I'll say, "okay, I really just need you to listen."
Or "I need us to come up with a solution to this." And so then he can shut off the part of his brain that's constantly looking for a solution. Unsolicited advice isn't evil. It just isn't as helpful as we intend it to be. So together we can. Listen and love in a whole new way.
Just listen. Don't fix, don't give advice, and don't help by thinking you know better. Just listen, just support, just have empathy. Just say, "Wow, that really sucks. Thanks so much for sharing that with me. I'm honored that I'm someone you can trust to share it with me. "
I think listening and empathy are all key to living happier and better quality connected relationships. So I wish you good luck with your ban on unsolicited advice that we'll be right there with you.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Celebrate Your Wins
Each day pick 3-5 priorities for the day. Maybe they are making a home-cooked meal, taking a walk, and helping your kids with their homework. (I know your day is FILLED with much more than these 3 things but these are your priorities for the day). When you have successfully completed these priorities...celebrate them. Do a dance in the shower, jam to your favorite song in the car, give yourself a high five. Too often we don't acknowledge our wins so this week give yourself a little daily celebration.