The Three Layers of High Functioning Anxiety
“I have High functioning Anxiety, which basically just means I am good at fooling people into thinking I don’t have anxiety.”
I read this anonymous quote yesterday and laughed because that is exactly what High Functioning Anxiety is. I often describe High Functioning Anxiety as a swan floating beautifully calmly on top of the water, and then underneath, she is paddling like hell.
For years my therapist would mention anxiety to me. I would describe a situation, and she would say, "oh yes, that sounds like your anxiety." And I would shrug and think, yep, I get anxious from time to time, but anxiety?! No way.
My stereotype of anxiety was that I would constantly worry, lose sleep and avoid things that stressed me. But I did none of those things—that I was aware of.
That is because High Functioning Anxiety has three layers.
The actual anxiety, the worry, fear, and restlessness.
The shame we feel for having anxiety. Usually brought on by our Monger and messages we received growing up about “soldiering on” and “being strong.”
The unhealthy coping skills we develop to keep the anxiety hidden, such as
Overfunctioning (the more I do, the better I feel about myself)
Perfectionism. (If I do it perfectly, I won’t get criticized)
People pleasing (if other people are happy, I don’t have to think about my feelings),
Seeing reassurance (if other people validate me, it will keep my anxiety at bay.)
Last weekend we were headed to celebrate a friend of our family’s 90th birthday. We were meeting with friends I hadn’t seen in years, and my anxiety was high—but if you had asked me if I was feeling anxious, I would have said no.
Driving to the event, I was doing all the things I do when I am anxious. I retreat into my head and stop talking. AND My Monger and BFF were having a full-on argument.
My Monger, the inner critic, shared, “What are you going to talk about?!? You are so socially awkward, and you have gained a lot of weight since they saw you last—they will be judging you.”
My BFF was quick to respond, “Judging you!?! Who are they to judge you!!? You are better than them. You know that." The BFF is the voice of false self-compassion, she is always there to have my back, and she often does that by criticizing others—it isn’t something I am proud of, but it is the voice that comes out when I am feeling beaten down by my Monger.
Their fighting causes my stress to go up even higher, and then I hear my Monger. “Why are you anxious?!? You SHOULD be able to go to these events without being anxious!?!?” Ironic that my Monger contributes to my anxiety and then quick to shame me for it.
Driving down the freeway, I could feel my heart racing, and my palms were sweaty on the steering wheel. And I heard my Biggest Fan, chimed in, “Sweet Pea, you are anxious, you have anxiety, no shame in that. Let’s practice a quick A.S.K. "
A. Acknowledge what you are feeling: insecure, uneasy, uptight, excited, bashful, and uncomfortable.
S Slow Down and Get into Your Body: Take a deep breath and look around. I glanced at the sky, noticed the cars in front of me, and felt my hands on the steering wheel. I could feel my heart rate slow, and I was able to take some deep breaths and calm myself.
K Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture, “Sweet Pea, it is ok that you have anxiety. It isn’t a personality flaw. You love these people, and they love you. Yep, they might judge you for your weight, but that is on them. You are a kind, loyal, funny person."
At the event, when I noticed my anxiety increase, I got into my body. I felt my feet on the ground or touched my hands to my legs and reminded myself I was ok, and after a minute, the anxiety lifted. I had a wonderful time connecting with old friends, laughing, and being present.
Years ago, I would have let my BFF and Monger argue unchecked, and I would have spent the evening over-functioning. Making sure everyone was ok, helping the host, and jumping from person to person to caretake. I would not have been present and left the event totally exhausted, and my Monger and BFF would have continued their conversation all the way home.
My therapist was right, I have anxiety, and it takes a different form than how we traditionally look at it. I am so grateful that now I know that my anxiety is different, and I need to treat it differently. It is more than just taking 3 deep breaths. It is recognizing the unhealthy coping skills, quieting the shame, and practicing A.S.K.