3 Things We Get Wrong About High Functioning Anxiety
Yesterday I felt anxious all day. I had tickets to see the comedian Celeste Barber, and I had been so excited for weeks--but here it was, the day of the show, and I felt a vague sense of dread and anxiety. I had a tough time relaxing all day and was full of adrenaline and extra energy.
I immediately entered into Mistake #1, trying to think my way out of my anxiety.
Throughout the day, I kept asking myself, WHY am I feeling so anxious? Is it social anxiety? Are you worried about COVID? Are you worried about chatting with your friend before the show? Why are you so anxious? I LOVE to analyze—I would love it if I could think my way out of my anxiety—if I could only find the why everything would be better. This trait is why my husband lovingly refers to me as Nancy Drew.
The truth is, anxiety rarely makes sense—it results from an overactive nervous system in response to a real or imagined threat.
The WHY doesn't matter—it doesn't matter WHY I am so anxious. The point is I am anxious, and I need to address it.
This takes me to Mistake #2 criticizing myself for being too sensitive or crazy. Unable to figure out why I felt anxious, my Monger steps in, "What is your problem!??! You have been so excited to go to this show, and now you are dreading it?? All because of your anxiety? Bitch puh-leeze! Get it together. This wouldn't be an issue if you weren't so sensitive."
And then finally, Mistake #3 believing there is a perfect hack that can fix me. Aw yes, when my anxiety is high, I inevitably land here—there MUST be a way to fix me. Because acceptance or loyalty to this!? NO way. This sucks. And there is my Monger again, "There has to be a way to fix this, and if you were a better person, you could find it." Even as I type this note, I hear my Monger saying, "Don't share this story. Everyone will know your anxiety isn't fixed, and you are a mess." The truth is there is no perfect hack that will heal us.
FINALLY, while standing in the kitchen cooking an early dinner, I practiced A.S.K. and Acknowledged my Feelings, which were not just about the show but several stresses going on in my life. Slow Down and Get into Your Body I played Kiss that Frog by Peter Gabriel, one of my favorite dance songs, and danced around the kitchen, and finally, K. Kindly Pull Back to see the big picture—I said to myself, Sweet pea, it is ok you are anxious, AND you are safe. You have been looking forward to this show for months, and you haven't spent any time with this friend in months; relax, breathe, and enjoy yourself. And I did.
It was a fantastic night. I laughed so hard my cheeks still hurt. It felt amazing to be with other people laughing about life's challenges and the realities of being human.
My anxiety did lessen, and when I felt it creep up. I touched my hands to my thighs and reminded myself I was safe. It is ok.
Do I wish the title of this newsletter was three ways to fix your anxiety! Absolutely yes.
The part of this story that amazes me/frustrates me is that I KNOW anxiety can't be fixed. I KNOW I can't think my way out of it. I KNOW when I feel anxious, self-loyalty is the key. And SO do most of my clients when they first come to see me. Intellectually we know. The part we forget is even though we intellectually know something, it doesn't mean we know it in our bones. The default messages of "I am broken," "my anxiety is a flaw," and "if I were better, I could fix it" are hard-wired in our brains so even though we know how to deal with it, sometimes those default messages win.
The part of this story that is the win--I practiced A.S.K. Yes, I fell for the mistakes (again!), but I also caught myself spinning down the anxiety rabbit hole and took charge.
As I repeatedly say to the Self Loyalty School participants, the goal is closing the gap between when you notice you are engaging in unhelpful behavior (aka heading down the anxiety rabbit hole) and when you take action.