Don’t Ignore your Past: Heal it

There is a dangerous trend I have noticed in the self-help/coaching/counseling industry. Somewhere along the way, we got the message that our past is a bad thing. The industry trend tells people that real change and movement come from looking forward, setting goals, and just doing it. Yep, we need to set goals, look forward and do it, AND sometimes we need to heal our past first. As with any all-or-nothing thinking, we have lost some key components of real and lasting change.

Your Past matters. Yep, I said it. It is ok to have a past, it is ok to share stories from your past, it is ok to have trauma and pain in your past, and it is ok to have a joyful past. You can't ignore your past. It creeps upon us in how we personify our Monger as our parents. In the way, we talk to our kids or in how we interact with our spouse. Our past plays a role in our current lives. Period.

The glitch is when we get stuck in the past when the story of our traumatic childhood holds us back from making real changes in our current lives. When we are living and re-living the past over and over in our day-to-day lives. We become victims, martyrs, and just plain unhappy people. I assume this is the getting stuck in the past that all the "only look to forward" people are talking about. But I believe the message gets skewed and turns into an absolute!! Rather than the message being, heal your past, so you don't get stuck there, the message becomes to ignore your past.

Here are some ways you can start moving through the stories from your past that are holding you back:

Share your story: That's right. Share it. Bring it out of the closet, dust it off and share your pain, your struggles, the irrational beliefs that have become rational that you got when you were 8. Share those stories. Find someone who loves you who can just listen; no judgment, no advice, just someone who gets it. In this day and age, we don't seem to have the patience for each other's stories. We get impatient, give too much advice, or want to share our story too quickly. So choose wisely. 

The more you share your story, the more your perspective changes. You may be able to see the other's person's side; you may be able to let go of some of the old resentment, or it may just feel good to say out loud what has been playing unconsciously all these years.

Acknowledge the pain: Acknowledge the fear, sadness, anger you feel about the past. Label those emotions. We tend to justify or explain away the pain, but that isn't necessary or helpful. Acknowledge the anger you feel for not getting that promotion you deserved. Grieve for your mother, who you lost at age 18. Allow the resentment, the bitterness, and the anger.

Let it go: Our past is our past. You can't change it. But once you have expressed your feelings about your story, it loses some power. That story from your past no longer has complete control over you. It is no longer debilitatingly strong. Letting it go involves letting go of the power of the story and loosening the reins of the resentment and bitterness. Letting go means that the story is just that a story, a painful, potentially traumatic story. After sharing your story and acknowledging the feelings associated with your story letting go becomes easier.

Rituals can be amazingly helpful in letting things go. One in particular I love is to write down your story. Describe it in vivid detail! Share all the emotions attached to it the grief, sadness, or anger. And then, when you finish, read it one more time and do a check-in that you are ready to let it go. If you have grieved enough and are ready to move forward, destroy it. Rip it up, burn it, drive over the tape, whatever it takes to physically destroy that old story. Then, as you move through life and hear that old story come up, acknowledge it and remind yourself you have let it go.

These steps are in no way a quick fix. Each of these steps can take days, weeks, months, or years, depending on the power of the story and how far we have buried the story in our psyche. It is immensely powerful to face our stories, look at them dead in the face and slowly release their power. 

What stories are holding you back? What from your past is keeping you stuck? What rituals have you implemented to let them go?

Take Care of the Little One

In the self-help world, a lot is written about 'healing the inner child.' The basic theory being that we all have a little boy/girl inside of us who occasionally comes out even when we are adults. The self-help world has taken the theory and run with it in a negative light. Rather than being an interesting theory that we can use to grow and change, it has become a method to explain away negative behavior and turned into a hokey self-help concept. (ok, now stepping down from my soapbox)

I am a fan of the basic concept of the inner child. My Little One comes out from time to time; she gets scared and insecure and even throws temper tantrums. Frequently, this Little One comes out to 'play' when we are triggered by something, a scary event, a family gathering, death, or something that takes us back to our early years. When I notice that I am overly insecure or scared about an event, I will put my hands over my heart and say to my Little One, "You know what? I got this. You don't need to worry about it. I am an adult, and I can handle this one." Immediately it feels as if I have taken a giant sigh of relief. It is a good exercise because :

A. It brings awareness around the fear

B. it reminds me that hey, I am an adult here, and I CAN handle this situation

C. it quiets the inner insecurities.

Last year, I worked with a client I will call Jill, who was going through a divorce. After 20 years of marriage, her husband decided he was done and had found someone else. Jill was left with three children and no idea who she was or what came next. Jill and I did a lot of work helping her figure out what she needed and who she was. As Jill was going through all these changes and making a lot of decisions she never had to make before, her Little One would come out frequently. Jill started paying attention to her Little One, noticing when she would come out (usually after a conversation with her ex or when she had to take charge of a situation). Gradually she started gently talking to her Little One, and as Jill developed her confidence in her decisions and skills, her Little One became less and less powerful. Jill said to me, "I think I have been living most of my life letting Little Jill make the decisions from a place of an 8-year-old rather than Adult Jill." I agreed with her, and I think many of us let our Little Ones (our insecurities, fears, or anger) control our lives.

The next time you start feeling scared or insecure, do a check-in with yourself--has your Little One come out to play? Are you viewing the world from the eyes of a six-year-old? And if the answer is yes, place your hands on your heart and gradually start talking to your Little One and assuring them all is well. You got this. You are a grown-up. Our Little Ones are there for a reason to help us see that life is scary, and we do have insecurities. And it is our role as adults to comfort the Little One and then move through the fear so we can Live Happier.