Shutting Off the Negative Voice
Last night I was having dinner with one of my best friends, and we were doing the usual processing/venting/ sharing of our lives. We hadn't had time to get together for a while, so there was MUCH to catch up on. As we were talking, a common theme developed, which was the way we talk to ourselves. As my friend said, isn't it amazing I would never talk to you that way, yet I talk to myself like that all the time.
It is true--that little tiny voice in the back of our heads comes out and can just hammer us "you aren't good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, caring enough, tough enough, organized enough on and on and on." And if we aren't aware of it, that voice can quietly mutter all day long how terrible, weak, and pathetic we are until the mutter becomes like a megaphone, and we just believe everything it says. We would NEVER talk to our friends or our loved ones that way, yet frequently we allow it to just hang out in our brain, beating us down.
Fortunately, my voice over the years has gotten quieter. I can remember there was a time when I would feel like I was living with cameras in my house. Everything was up for criticism: how late I slept, how clean my house was, how I chose to spend my time, how I looked, what I wore, who I talked to etc. I have become more aware of her and try to catch her before she gains too much influence. However, this week, my little voice has been out in full force, hammering away. I heard her talking earlier in the week and tried to shut her down, but I didn't focus on her until last night at dinner. As I expressed how I felt and what I thought my friend was able to say, "whoa, what's up with that negativity?" and I realized WOW--that little voice has gained some serious momentum. What had started as maybe a 'helpful' hint or two had ended up being a full-blown attack on my self-esteem.
There are 1000 theories as to why we have that voice; some say it is our ego, or fear, or just a negative voice. I am not here to debate why it is here; I am here to decrease some of her power. So as with anything, it starts with awareness. We have to be aware of that little voice and the fact that she is talking smack. At first, we might not notice her until we are talking to someone and we start using her language, or maybe we notice how we physically feel. I usually notice her because I feel more on edge. I am more snappish with my friends/significant others because I feel defensive and hostile. I notice I am more insecure, more scared, more irritable. For you, those feelings might be different--the key is to figure out what they are. When your voice is talking to you, do you get sad? Scared? Angry? Feel tension in your neck? Your stomach? All those things will help you bring awareness to her. Once you know she is there; you can call her out. I just speak right to her and let her know I am done listening, and for a time, she quiets down.
Sometimes your awareness comes later--like me this week--she had been going all week long, and I had just let her run amuck. So today, I decided I need to take some action. I sat down, and I wrote two lists: one, all the things in my life I am grateful for, and two, all the things I love about myself and my life. WOW, what a great list! It was long and lovely. I just sat there reading in all the wonderful things I have in my life, and I immediately felt better, and the monster that had been pecking at me all week lost her power.
My challenge to you: start noticing that voice. Unfortunately, we can't get rid of the voice forever, it comes back from time to time, so you have to be vigilant. Pay attention to how you feel when you hear her. Don't let her run around in your head unchecked. Call her out. Sit her down and show her who's in charge here.