How do I talk nicer to myself?

Years ago when I started teaching about the Monger and ‘that negative voice in my head’ I would spend a lot of time talking about the Monger and never talked about the counter to the Monger, what I now call the Biggest Fan. Truthfully, this is because my Biggest Fan’s voice was so quiet and so I didn’t know how to ‘teach’ others to hear it. I knew how to recognize the Monger I was VERY familiar with her voice and her negativity but the Biggest Fan, that voice of kindness and wisdom she was almost a whisper.

One of the top questions I get is ok how do I hear from the Biggest Fan? What does her voice even SOUND like?

Here are a few tips I have learned to help bring in her voice.

Slow down. Your Biggest Fan’s voice is calm and quiet, and often, it is hard to hear it over the noise in our heads. We have to slow down to hear her voice. Which means, not multi-tasking, feel your body, aka remind yourself you have a body.

Pick a term of endearment that she can say. I love the term of endearment ‘Sweet Pea’ so I start talking to myself saying “Ok, Sweet Pea, what do you need?” “Oh, Sweet Pea man oh man that just sucks” Just hearing that term of endearment brings a giant exhale to my body and then I can fill in the rest of the sentence. Pick a name that works for you, “Dear,” “Pumpkin,” “Lovey,” “Sweetheart,” “Girlfriend,” etc.

Look in the mirror. I noticed a few months ago when I would go to the bathroom and wash my hands. I wouldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Now I use that bathroom time as a time to connect with my Biggest Fan. As I am washing my hands, I will look at myself in the mirror. I will look at my eyes and say silently to myself, “Hello there, Sweet Pea, how is your day going?” When I started doing this, I would inevitably tear up because I was longing for that connection with myself that ability to really SEE me and not just live solely in my head.

Practice using AND. Using AND is a great place to start because sometimes it is hard to be 100% kind to ourselves. We can say “ugh today sucked AND you don’t have to beat yourself up about it. Or “I dropped the ball in that meeting, AND I was able to answer Linda’s question, so the whole thing wasn’t terrible. Using AND doesn’t mean whitewashing away the negative side it allows you to acknowledge both the bad and the good.

Talk to yourself like you would your 16-year-old niece. When you are in the midst of a full-on Monger attack and can’t get out of it, think of your 16-year-old niece (even if you don’t have one imagine her) and tell her what you think she needs to hear. I love the idea of your niece rather than your daughter or your best friend because we talk differently to our nieces. We love them with all our hearts and want what is best for them, but we aren’t ‘responsible’ for molding them and shaping them. Similarly, we need to be talking to ourselves with kindness and wisdom, not instruction or advice — just good old fashioned love.

Hearing the voice of our Biggest Fan takes practice, kindness, and understanding. She is a game-changer in the world of living happier.