Your Inner Critic: Why is it Always Winning?

 Hands down, one of the biggest obstacles to Living Happier is that nasty voice inside our heads. I call this voice the Monger.

According to the dictionary, a Monger:  "is a person who promotes a specified activity, situation, or feeling, especially one that is undesirable or discreditable." 

Our Monger tells us how much we suck. We are total failures, terrible parents, worthless employees, and all-around a loser of a person. (Sound a little harsh? Listen to yourself one of these days, and I bet I am not too far off.)

In addition to making us miserable, the Monger causes our anxiety to increase, leave us exhausted and frustrated, and she keeps us stuck and immobilized.

The truth is the Monger isn't the enemy. It isn't a bitch or an evil part of us. The Monger's job is to keep us safe. Her sole mission is to scan the environment for any potential harm, risk, or danger and protect us from it. The mission is a positive one; it is her method of completing this task that is the problem. She prefers to use shame, belittling, guilt, and negativity to convince us that she is here to motivate and protect us.

The thing is, the Monger is a tricky little foe. The Monger tends to go unchecked, and we believe everything the Monger says without question. Even when we have the best intentions, she engages us in a battle of wills, and unless we are aware, she will usually win.

Here is an illustration of what goes wrong when we deal with our Mongers.

Step One: Build Awareness: You start building awareness of when you hear the Monger's voice. As you are building this awareness and hearing the Monger, you engage in conversations like this:

Monger: "Way to go, you just blew that phone call! What were you thinking telling the client you could get that job done in 10 days! There is no way! You are an idiot."

You: "I know, I am an idiot. I am just going to have to work harder to get it done. I always over-promise and then get myself in a mess."
"OMG, There I go again, listening to my Monger's voice. I am such an idiot. I should be able to kick her ass. Why am I still listening to her? Oh my gosh, she just keeps winning!! Why am I letting her control me? I am so stupid" (And probably a few more curse words in there.)

See what happened there? In the spirit of building awareness of the Monger's voice, you end up belittling yourself every time you hear it.

You realize the idea is to be more loving and appreciative of yourself, not belittling, so you move on to:

Step Two: Try thinking positive and being grateful

You: "I am so negative about myself. I should be happier. I have so many things to be grateful for. I need to concentrate on those things and stop being so whiny about my life. Oh my gosh, I am so negative; even when I tell myself to be positive, I am negative! What an idiot I am. Let's try again. Well, I am grateful for my job."

Monger: "Well, you'd better be grateful because you are going to lose it if they ever catch on to how bad you are at your job."

You: "Yep, you are right, I'd better take some work home tonight, so I can get ahead and hit the deadline."

Again the Monger won by telling you even when you are trying to be grateful how much you suck.

And then eventually it moves to:

Step Three: Actually, I think I need the Monger

You: "I mean, what would happen if I didn't have this voice telling me what to do. The Monger keeps me on task, helps me be successful, and gives me a high standard to reach." I am grateful for my drive, for my need to do it well. If it weren't for the Monger, I wouldn't be half as successful as I am."

Monger: "Yep, you have a lot to get done today, and you have wasted a lot of time. Better get cracking and quit being such a whiner."

You: "Ok, I will tell my husband we can't watch that movie tonight because I have to get some work done."

And there you are back to where you started from, with the Monger winning and you working late.

So what are you supposed to do? How can you deal with this very tricky foe?

There are three keys:

1. Compassion

2. Awareness

3. Truth

Compassion: We will never quiet our Monger without compassion for ourselves. The bottom line, you can never have enough self-compassion.

Awareness:  Build awareness of your Monger with compassion. In a misguided attempt to keep you safe, the Monger is a part of you who treats you like crap. So when we yell, belittle or rationalize the Monger, it just gets louder and more belittling. So start noticing when you Monger is talking and when you simply say, "Wow, there you are again, you know I appreciate your help, and I don't need you today."

After my Monger had spent the morning hammering me, I stood in the kitchen and said, "Stop, that's it, Monger, I will not be dragged down today, so simmer down because I have work to do."

That might happen once a day, and it might happen 50 times a day. Building awareness with compassion takes time.

Honor the Truth with Compassion Your Monger might have some truth to what she is saying. In the example above, maybe you did overpromise on a deadline. Maybe you did underestimate how long something will take. Here's the kicker, just because you did something wrong and made a mistake DOES NOT MEAN YOU DESERVE TO BE BELITTLED AND SHAMED. When we own the truth, we can then move on and make appropriate changes. We can make amends or learn how to do it differently for next time. We can honor that we aren't perfect, and we make mistakes. We don't need to be shamed and belittled for being human. 

Remember: the goal isn't to silence the inner critic. The goal is to build strategies, so the inner critic isn't controlling you. You are building discernment and knowing when the Monger is serving you or not.