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Why Giving More Doesn’t Always Make You More Lovable

This Thursday we are continuing the Trust Yourself Already series by talking about The Fine Fine Line between Caring and Over Caring….learn some tips on how to stop people pleasing, keep healthy boundaries and gain joy from giving again. Register here.

I recently saw this pic and it made me go yes!!!  So many of us are people pleasers. We live our lives doing what we think others want or need from us.  As a recovering people pleaser, I will say the question posted above has changed my life. When I started asking that question, it helped me get clear on if I was giving from a pure place or if I was giving solely because I thought I SHOULD.

In that spirit, today I am sharing some common misnomers on the beauty of giving.

Your needs are not LESS important. Whoa. I remember the first time I heard this one–what?!?!  My needs are as important as everyone else’s?  (“What you talkin’ about Willis?”) Yep, our needs are as important as everyone else.  And in fact, to put it bluntly, if we don’t look out for what it is we need, no one else will.

Sometimes it isn’t that we truly believe our needs are less important it is that we believe by swallowing our needs we will avoid confrontation.  Which in the short term MIGHT be true.  But in the long term the damage to our own self worth and the relationship just isn’t worth it.  In order for us to be fully in relationship with someone (including ourselves) we need to show up completely, needs and all.

Giving to the point of resentment isn’t really giving.  Next time someone asks you for something ask yourself, “Do I really want to be giving this right now?” If the answer is no, then the answer is no.  Giving from a place of resentment, keeping score, or negativity just doesn’t feed anyone.  Giving from a place of pure unadulterated joy and love, now that is feeding the whole world.  There is such a difference in how true giving feels!  When we are resentful, keeping score and ignoring our own messages of “stop this is too much” we aren’t living happier.

Your worth is not equal to how much you give. Yikes. This is an easy trap to fall into.  Somewhere we learned “they will like me more if I give to them more” or “I am only worthy because of what I do”.  In essence, we have convinced ourselves, they like us ONLY because of how much we give.  Which to put it bluntly is BS.  If someone is only hanging with you because you do everything they ask–do you really want to spend time with that person anyway?  Our true friends are the people who love us regardless of what we DO.  We are valuable, lovable, worthy period–doesn’t matter how much we give.

Caring is a wonderful trait. I love showing others how much they mean to me by giving to them.  Attaching giving to the words: should, getting something back, worthiness, have to or keeping score takes away from such an amazing act of kindness and gratitude.   When you are asked to give, first check in and ask:  “What is my motivation for saying yes?”

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