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Still Taking things Too Personally? Sometimes it is More about Them.


As human beings, there are many ways we tend to be self centered.  One of the most common ways is that we think whatever is happening is all about us.  If someone gives us a back handed compliment, says something disrespectful, treats us rudely, or just acts out we usually think we did something wrong. We assume they are mad at us, or that we deserved whatever slight just came along and we get angry, defensive or sad..  But if you go with the rule that we are all self centered than if that person did act disrespectful or rude 99% of the time it is about them.  They are having a bad day, month or year, they are pissed off about something, they are feeling triggered or upset.  99% of the time their behavior has absolutely nothing to do with us.

Here are some common scenarios where it is more about them.

If someone gives you a back handed compliment–usually it is more about them than you.  You are out at an event; you just got your hair cut into one of those cute pixie dos. You are feeling little insecure about it and someone comments, “Oh, you got your haircut!  Those pixie cuts are so cute, not everyone can pull it off”.  So what are they REALLY saying there?!?  I would venture to guess that they aren’t even thinking about you or your hair.  Actually they are thinking that they themselves couldn’t pull off that hair-do.

People that have high standards for you are usually living in a hell of their own with impossibly high standards. If someone you know is militant about weight or appearance or money.  And they make you feel extremely insecure about your appearance, weight or money–imagine how insecure THEY must feel.  Usually when someone has super high standards for everyone else they have SUPER SUPER high standards for themselves. So remember it is more about them than you.

Someone cuts you off or is rude to you in the grocery store.  They might be an asshole, they might be exacting revenge for the face that you unknowingly walked in front of them.  But more likely they are having a bad day.  They might be late for a meeting, or on their way to visit their dying mother in the hospital.  You never know what someone else is going through.

I am not saying that people have the right to treat you with disrespect or be rude.  I am saying that too often we allow something that is about them to become about us.  We allow someone to ruin our entire day because they don’t think THEY would look good in a pixie hair cut or because THEY are uncomfortable with their weight.

You have a choice in how you react. You have a choice to stop, pause and ask yourself is this situation more about them?  Am I unnecessarily picking up their stuff?

By asking yourself is this about them?  You can then begin to have curiosity about how they are seeing the world. You can let go of the notion that everything is about you and see the world from the perspective that we all have pain, sadness, and things that trigger us.  We are all doing the best we can with what we have at that moment.

This video is one of my favorites on this subject:  This is Water. If you are reading this vis email click here to watch it. We all have a choice in how we see the world.

I would love to hear from you.  Can you relate?  Do you have a story where you took on something that was really about them?

Join us for September’s  Live Happier Wine Night for September 25th from 7pm-9pm.   For the cost of $20 you get 2 glasses of wine, hors d’oeuvres and a presentation by me on Tips to Live Happier.  Advanced registration is required.  To register or for more information go to: Hope to see you there!!

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