Season 3 Episode 8: Dear Nancy
In this episode, Nancy reflects on all she learned during this season.
In our final episode of Season 3, Nancy reflects on all the thinking and learning she's done around change this season. She writes a letter to her younger self, looking back on how the big changes in her life have often come at her fast and furious, but always for the better. Then Nancy checks in with her husband Doug, about how they've both changed throughout their lives together. Finally, we hear a very special letter to Nancy's older self, 20 years in the future.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Nancy's reflections on change and the importance of being self-loyal in moments of transition.
A conversation about change between Nancy and her husband Doug.
Resources for staying connected with Nancy and the podcast before our next season comes out.
Learn more about Self Loyalty School:
+ Read the Transcript
Nancy Jane Smith: [00:00:00] Hey guys, it's me. Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. This is the final episode of the season. We've spent the last seven episodes looking at change from every angle.
Do you feel like you've changed from thinking so much about you. I do. And that's the way change works. Isn't it. Sometimes you go looking for it, but more often than not, it can sneak up on you. It's a natural part of living, growing and learning more about yourself and the world. And man, when I think about the ways I've changed over the years, it's pretty mind boggling.
So as a way to end the season and reflect on all the changes I've been through, I decided to write a letter to my 29 year old self, as you'll [00:01:00] hear, she was very different from the person I am. Now, she had all these concerns and fears about the future, about controlling her. Yeah. Sometimes I had to go kicking and screaming through the change machine, but in terms of the way things have turned out, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Dear 29 year old now. I wanted to write to you not to change anything you've lived through, because I think all those experiences have shaped you into the person you are today. Although I will tell you that. Yes, you do find an amazing man. Who isn't the type you're looking for now, but it is the perfect type for you.
I know you spend a lot of time worrying about that and I wanted to put your mind at ease again, don't let that change what you do. Just keep it in your back pocket for the nights. When you feel so lost and alone [00:02:00] one day, you won't feel nearly as lost. Okay. Onto more important matters. I have a podcast. Oh right.
You don't even know what that is. So let's go with radio show. I have a radio show. I know isn't that amazing. So many cool things are in store for you. I'm doing a radio show and the theme of the show is about living with high functioning anxiety. You don't know it now, but you have high functioning anxiety and that realization will explain a lot of your.
Okay. Back to the radio show for the past seven shows, we've been talking about change and how to make change. I'm teaching a program, helping people quiet, their high functioning anxiety through building self loyalty. It is called self love. So I've launched. The school is helping people create change. So I wanted to have that be a theme.
We explore on my podcast. I mean, radio show and the episode is all about [00:03:00] change over time and how, as we age, we learn to approach change differently. Yup. I'm a teacher and a writer. You can probably believe the teacher part, but even I am still shocked by the writing part. It's one of my favorite parts of my job.
But again, I digress. I'm just so excited to talk to you.
I could remember, even though it was 20 years ago, how much you wanted to change. Wow. I know how much you secretly hate yourself. You want to be a completely different person and try your hardest to figure out how to make that happen. That feeling of being a fraud and just waiting for the world to figure it out.
That is the worst I have all the journals you wrote hours and hours writing, trying to figure out your life. You truly believed. If you read enough and wrote enough, you would figure it out, [00:04:00] but it didn't have. I finally figured out a few years ago that the answers aren't there, they are inside. Yep. The place you hate the most and are the most afraid to venture into.
I have re-read some of those journals and all you were doing is analyzing over and over. You aren't acknowledging your feelings at all. No wonder you are so. Today. I actually teach people to acknowledge their feelings and it is a huge part of the work I do. I know it's so hard to believe, but it is true.
It takes a while, but you do figure out the importance of acknowledging your internal experience.
One thing you will spend much of your next 10 years doing drinking. You like alcohol now, but in the next few years you realize how much it helps quiet the monger and numb the anxiety. [00:05:00] Ironically, alcohol also helps you get in touch with those big feelings you're ignoring and stuffing down. That becomes a bit much, and I'm glad you and I have figured out a new way of getting in touch with our feelings.
It takes many years for you to figure it out, but it actually makes the anxiety way worse. You figure it out and around the same time you realize what I said about the key is looking internally, not running away from it as quickly as possible. Don't get me wrong. I love a good numbing session, but these days it tends to be more numbing on bad TV than alcohol, but keep your wits about you.
You make some crazy decisions when you're drinking. So watch. You and I have changed a lot in the past 20 years, but I really thought I would know more than I do at 49. I thought I would have more certainty. I thought I would be fixed. But what I realized now is I didn't need to be fixed. I was never really broken.
[00:06:00] Searching for certainty makes me totally miserable because it doesn't really exist. As far as knowing more, quite honestly, I see now that knowledge is endless and ongoing. I know you believe one day there will be a finish line where you will be judged for doing it right. And winning. But what I know for sure, 20 years later, there is no finish line.
You will never be complete forever in complete as a lettuce Morissette. Well, she hasn't recorded that song yet, but it will be one of your favorites even before you really get what she means. Okay. Girl, take care of yourself. You are amazing. You are going to be an amazing career counselor at Otterbein university.
You will help a lot of students there. Some of whom I'm still friends with today. 20 years later in two years, you will walk into a bar and a cute guy with glasses will start chatting with you from behind the. That's him. [00:07:00] That's your guy just trust me, Nancy.
Naturally, after I did all this personal reflection in the form of a letter, I had to talk to my husband, Doug, about. Introduce yourself. Hey, there, you need to
Doug: be closer together. Um, never being bossed around this.
Nancy Jane Smith: I'm trying to help. I'm not Barcelona.
Doug: Yeah. Not bossy, always helpful. Um, the husband of Nancy Jane Smith. I'm Douglas Harris. I go by Doug.
Nancy Jane Smith: So I wrote a letter to my 29 year old self. I can't believe it's been 20 years since I was 29. And. That got me thinking about how much I've changed, because that was right before I, not right before, but I think I met you when I was 31 and I think we've changed a ton.
Doug: Yes, we couldn't be married. Had we not changed from the people in that bar? Nancy Jane Smith: How would you say we've changed? I [00:08:00] changed or you changed since then?
Doug: Well, I would say that I've changed because I've come to a better acceptance of the fact that I am someone who has limits and I can tell people those limits and they have to take them. I believe we call them boundaries, but I can be like, this is an overwhelming atmosphere.
I'm I need to leave. And it's respected. Nice because I've always done a lot of uncomfortable atmospheres for a really long time. Cause you didn't ask. No, I didn't speak up. I just made it a whole lot more fun to be in a quiet atmosphere. And I was like, wow, that can be respected that see how that can evolve. And,
Nancy Jane Smith: and that, this is because just in case people don't know of your epilepsy, um,
Doug: yes, I'm a big pig jobs and things. My whole life sort of based around my epilepsy and Nancy helped me realize and understand that you can tell [00:09:00] people that you have epilepsy and that you're a professional passenger and that that's okay.
Nancy Jane Smith: Because you can't drive. I can't drive.
Doug: And good. No clarification is part of why I'm married yet.
Nancy Jane Smith: Do you think people can change over time without trying? Definitely like maturity with age brings
Doug: change. I think with trips around the sun and growing older doesn't necessarily bring about change, but more so the things that interact with you as. As you age, that forced
Nancy Jane Smith: change. So you think we run up against enough resistance.
Doug: Like here's a huge obstacle. Like someone dies, there's an instant change. Here's a huge obstacle. Like someone who was close to you and you got to see every day moves out of town.
Nancy Jane Smith: I would agree with you. I think that life happens and therefore change happens. And I think every time life [00:10:00] happens, we have a choice. Whether we're going to go kicking and screaming into the change, or we're going to embrace the change.
Doug: Yes. And I'm jaded because as I get older, um, my medical condition gets worse, so my limitations increase. Um, and that's way less fun and probably not true for everyone.
I'm sure everyone's got their stuff that keeps them at home. But when I think of.
Change sometimes I'm like, oh yeah, the better days back when I had less limitations, but then you miss out on all the wisdom. So who really knows, I think I'd take wisdom over being able to run up and down Hills
Nancy Jane Smith: because my dad used to say. He wished he could go back to, you know, like with all the wisdom he could go back and be 20 again. Would you want to do that? Your dad
Doug: was a smart man, but no, I really enjoyed the lack of wisdom had.
Nancy Jane Smith: How do you think I've changed?
Doug: You've learned a lot about relaxation and boundaries and next day, you're ready to like dive into it and dip your toe in said, what would we like if I relaxed more or differently, would it be okay? Would it be a bad girl because you're a loving regimented person.
Nancy Jane Smith: Do you think that? Cause I feel like. I think I've relaxed a lot in the, like, worrying about what I still do a lot. Like I think I worry a lot, but I used to worry a lot more about what other people thought and I worry far less about that.
Doug: Definitely. I think you're happier being yourself, whatever that is for awhile. You thought that.
[00:12:00] Someone that if you turned left, instead of right, your world would be so different and better. And then you kept making left turns and be like, this is still Nancy Jane Smith: better. I felt like I used to think there was a formula and I just had to find the formula and then I would be happy and I still get stuck in that sometimes, but I can, I can come out of that much faster.
Doug: You didn't believe that your way was good enough where the, your way might be Frank in the testing. It was wrong, but now you're, you're able to explore why Mar you're asked why? Oh, more.
Nancy Jane Smith: It was interesting. I had a client today say to me that since, because I would say all of this is self loyalty. Like I've definitely feel I'm more loyal to myself and the client this morning said.
She's been trying to define self loyalty. And she said self loyalty is I won't negotiate with anyone on who I am. I think that that is where I [00:13:00] lived for a long time, for a very long time. It was just like, I just need to belittle myself if I could be some, someone different, it would be okay. And it's so freeing and still new to be like, I, this is it.
This is who, this is who I'm saying. No. And I think you have taught me that. So where do you see something? I have to, my next assignment for this podcast is to write a letter to myself in 20 years in the future. Where do you see in the next 20 years? How do you see yourself changing?
Doug: She get goes through with the innocent smile, um, in the next 20 years, this is it's truly one of those questions that is just like, well, if I get to live to 66, then maybe I'd be doing this. Nancy Jane Smith: Can you picture yourself? I can't either.
Dear 69 [00:14:00] year old Nancy. As I write this, the world is a crazy place, political turmoil, a war in Ukraine, and it feels like a mass shooting every week. Not to mention a pandemic that never seems to end. We are all tired and frayed, but I still have hoped that goodness and love will win that fear and contempt for each other will fade.
I hope I'm right. As I write this, I'm working on a podcast. Yep. Remember the happier approach. Do podcasts still exist? Maybe you're an avatar in the metaverse, but we are wrapping up season three where we're talking about change. So I'm writing a letter to you to show how maturity brings change. So how close to perfect are you at 69.
You must be almost there by now. I hope you found some peace after the older generation past right now. That is something very much on my mind. [00:15:00] The change from being the younger generation to the older generation time is crazy. Isn't it? Knowing how much the concept of self loyalty has impacted my life so far.
I'm hopeful. You are still able to do the work. Teaching the way of self loyalty and helping people with anxiety. I am sure that need hasn't gone away. I hope you and Doug are healthy and doing a lot of travel and adventure. You probably have great nieces and nephews now, and I can see you the cool funky aunt with the long flowing gray hair tied back in a messy braid.
I'm excited to see what happens in the next 20 years. 69 feels so far away, but I know it will be here. Nancy when we first decided to do this episode, and we came up with the idea for me to write these letters. I was initially scared and full of self doubt, especially writing the letter to my older self.
I was surprised how [00:16:00] much it forced me to reflect on not only where I have been and all the changes I've made, but where I'm headed and all the changes yet to come. Even days after writing the letters, I'm still thinking of my younger and older selves. I recommend you try this exercise and see what comes up. You might be surprised as well.
That's it for this season. I hope you enjoyed our exploration of change. Just as much as I have. We'll be back soon with a whole new concept for our next season. Stay tuned in and subscribe to the podcast for updates until. You could stay in touch by subscribing to my newsletter, or if you've been inspired by this season, signing up for supply to school, the happier approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me Nancy Jane Smith music provided by pod five and epidemic sound for more episodes to get in touch or to learn more about self loyalty.
You can visit [00:17:00] Nancy Jane smith.com. And if you like the show, leave us a review. It actually helps us out a lot. Thanks as always to our favorite happier approach. Guest, my husband, Doug, for speaking with us today, the happier approach we'll be back with a new season in a few months. Take care until then.