Episode 159: A Weekend in the Life of High Functioning Anxiety
In this episode, I recorded the times when my anxiety was exceptionally high this past weekend. My goal was to share what was happening—and how I felt about it—to give a behind-the-scenes look at how HFA plays out in your life and what to do about it.
For many of us with High Functioning Anxiety, we have a hard time noticing when we are anxious. Our anxiety is usually swimming around in our heads WELL before we consciously notice it.
For me, I can say I’m fine, I’m not feeling anxious then poof—I explode at my husband for leaving something out of place and realize how high my anxiety is and I didn’t even realize it. In a similar vein, my clients tell me their HFA shows up when they can’t sleep at night because of their racing thoughts.
The truth is: we all have default patterns we fall into.
Many of us have “go-to” behaviors to express our anxiety that we either inherited genetically or that we learned from a young age: behaviors we engage in and beliefs that we get stuck on. Some of these patterns might be overeating, overthinking, people-pleasing, insomnia, over-analyzing, or assuming you are wrong.
HFA is sneaky—and it shows up in the most strange and uncomfortable ways. To illustrate, I decided to record the times when my anxiety was exceptionally high this past weekend. My goal was to share what was happening—and how I felt about it—so you could get a behind-the-scenes look at how HFA plays out in your life and what to do about it.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
The 6 situations that triggered my high functioning anxiety and my response to them
Healthier ways to approach your HFA—and why practicing A.S.K. to quiet your Monger is important (listen to this episode to learn all about the 3 steps of A.S.K.)
What a wrestling match between your Monger and BFF can look like
How many of my default patterns tie back to messages I swallowed as a kid
Resources mentioned:
+ Read the Transcript
Nancy: Coping with stress and anxiety is different. When you have high functioning anxiety is sneaky. It shows up in the most strange and uncomfortable ways to illustrate what I mean this past weekend, I decided to record those times when my anxiety was exceptionally high. To share what was happening and how I was feeling.
So you could get up behind the scenes, look at how high functioning anxiety plays out and what to do about it. You're listening to the happier approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed hustle and a cheap at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.
For many of us with high functioning anxiety, we have a hard time noticing when we are anxious. Our anxiety might be swimming in our heads. Before we notice it, I know I can say, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm not feeling anxious. And then poof, I will explode at my husband for leaving something out of place and realize, oh wow.
My anxiety is really high right now. And they didn't even recognize it. I hear it all the time from my clients. Who are fine all day. And then at night they can't sleep and their thoughts are racing while they're trying to relax. We all have those default patterns. We fall into our go-to behaviors for expressing our anxiety that we either inherited genetically or have been drilled into us from a young age behaviors.
We engage in beliefs. We have ideas that we get stuck on when our anxiety is high. Some of these patterns might be overeating, overthinking people, pleasing insomnia, over analyzing, or assuming. You will hear an example of most of these default patterns as I talk, the key to reducing anxiety is to notice when your default pattern is a play and then take it out.
I confess, I was hesitant to share openly this window into my anxiety because my monger tells me I'm an expert in high functioning anxiety. Therefore I should be healed, but I decided to go with my biggest fan who tells me because you're an expert in high functioning anxiety. It can't be healed, but it can be calmed.
It doesn't have to run. The key is to close the gap of when your anxiety is running the show too. When you notice that it's running the show, the longer we let our default patterns run amuck, the longer we will be living in a state of anxiety too often, we engage in the BFF versus Munger wrestling match.
This happens when our anxiety is unchecked and our monger is criticizing and belittling us and to get relief, our BFF comes in to tell us, don't worry. Everything is fine. We know our monger is wrong and we know our BFF is wrong, but we allow them to fight back and forth.
Keeping us in a state of anxiety. Closing the gap means we notice this wrestling match and then we practice ask to bring in the biggest fan practicing ask means acknowledge what is really going on, acknowledging your feelings, slowing down and getting into your body. Doing a full body movement and kindly pulling back to see the big picture.
You will hear me describe this wrestling match. In my first example, bright and early, when my monger and BFF were arguing about me getting out of bed.
So I was laying in bed this morning and going back and forth between I should get up. You should sleep in. You should sleep in. You have the morning off, keep sleeping in. No, get up, be productive, do something that's important. Don't just lay here. You should get up. And then my mind started racing to all the things I could do and all the things I should be spending my time.
Until I finally gave up and just got up, and this is a common one for me. If I wake up, I have a hardest time getting back to sleep. Cause my mom is just get up. What's your problem. Get up. You have so much to do. And my BFF is stay in bed. It's so warm. Who cares? And I just lay there, going back and forth between the two.
I just lay there, going back and forth, going back and forth until finally I'm finally. Fan steps in to be like, you're awake now. So let's get up and do something. And inevitably, I feel better when I get up. I recognize this. And sometimes I just get up and go to the bathroom and come back to bed. But this morning I actually got up, made my coffee, did the whole thing, because it's just helpful to, to bring in the biggest fan.
Anytime you can get out of that fight between the monger and the BFF and the monger and the BFF. Next step was a few hours later when I caught myself spinning about wearing a mask, a common thing for me, listen, closely to why this is a thing for me and see if you can. Okay. So I just got back from walking the dog and as I was walking the dog, which is one of my favorite things to do in the world, I noticed my anxiety was through the roof.
As I'm walking through the little college campus that is near our house. And I know they have a mask mandate at that college campus and frequent. In the rare event that I see a person walking around the college campus between 7:00 AM and 6:00 AM. I will see them wearing a mask. And I don't carry a mask when I'm walking the dog because I rarely see people.
But when I walk through the college, I freak out because I don't have my mask on. I have been avoiding it at college, even though that is one of our favorite places to walk for this reason. And so today, as I was walking through the college, I actually remembered to bring my mask and I was wearing it and I thought, oh my gosh, the amount of mental energy I have spent in obsessing.
About wearing a mask through the college campus when no one is there is amazing to me. Like it is a lot of energy that I obsess about. And so when I was thinking about it today, it was the idea of what will they think of me. I'm not following the rules. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. And it really triggers that little girl in me who loved following the rule.
I loved being rewarded for doing it right. Getting the right thing and doing it the best way. And following the rules, which is one reason, this COVID thing is so hard, which is a whole other story. But. This really reminded me how that is such a big part of my life. And so I realized that all I have to do is carry the mask as I'm walking wherever.
And if I run into someone, I can put the mask on and it isn't a big deal, but I will get stuck. And this is where you go back and forth between the monger and the BFF, the monger, and the BFF. I go back and forth between. The Munger being like, you gotta be a good girl and wear the mask. Like you're not following the rules.
You're going to get in trouble. Someone's going to find you. Oh my gosh. They're gonna yell at you. Do my BFF being like, don't worry about it. No, one's out. This is no big deal. Stop being such a rule follower. Come on. You need to be less. And
those two voices were going back and forth as they have, anytime I come close to that college campus with the dog.
And so today I finally was like, just bring the mask, have the mask. And if you run into someone, throw the mask on. And so I almost didn't come on here to share this one because it's so silly, but I think that's why you can hopefully relate because it's so silly. The mental energy we spend between arguing between the monger and the BFF instead of just being.
I'm just going to wear a mask. And if I'm a rule follower, I'm a rule follower. And if I don't run into anyone, I have a mask who cares. It's freeing. When you can acknowledge, what's really going on. This story is a great example of the mental energy anxiety can take up if it goes unchecked and how powerful those default messages are being the good girl and following the rules is always a tough message for me, even when it is 6:00 AM.
And there's no one around to enforce the rule. Now onto the next example, when a client didn't show. So this morning feeling a little anxious, a client didn't show for our video session, and then. Sparks my, I must've done something wrong anxiety. Like I must have handled it wrong, or I must not have sent the right link or I must have gotten the right time.
I'm always assuming I'm the one that's getting it wrong. And so my anxiety is super high stressing about that and trying to figure out how can I reach them. I reached out to them. I didn't hear anything back. So I'm sure, my biggest fan is being like it's on them. They miss the link.
Things happened. It's no big deal. I did not make the mistake, but that is always my backup. Yeah, I'm the one that made the mistake. So that is where I really try pulling back, looking at the bigger picture and seeing a different way of looking at it. And then to update this one, the client did make the mistake and they didn't get up in time.
And that's why they weren't there. And it was a super easy explanation, which is 99% of the time, how it turns out a super easy explanation. And so me having to stop that over analysis and assuming I'm getting it wrong is a powerful way for me to handle that anxiety. A common default for me is always assuming I did something wrong.
I think some of this comes from that good girl pattern I talked about with the mask, the idea that my worthiness is based on me being perfect all the time. So if something doesn't happen, it must be my fault to combat this default pattern. I have a sticky note on my computer that reads stop.
Assuming you are always wrong, which has made a huge difference in combating this default anxiety. Yeah. Next up it's lunchtime and I didn't want to take a break. This is one way high functioning anxiety commonly shows up for me. It is 1230. I have not accomplished as much this morning as my brain has told me I should, or my monger has told me I should.
So here I am and I'm hungry and it's lunchtime. So I want to power through. I want to keep going. I want to hit a place where I can feel comfortable and know that I've accomplished enough. And I know that place isn't going to come. Especially when I'm hungry, that place, isn't going to come period, which is about me recognizing this imaginary line that I think I'm going to get to.
At some point it doesn't exist. There will not be a place today where I feel yay. I checked enough things off the list, not in the mood I'm in, not with the anxiety I have running around. So my tendency, my desire. How I usually do it is to just to keep pushing and all that will leave me to do is feel more.
Stressed more anxious and less, or the, and so the, what I need to do, which is the opposite of what I want to do right now is to get up from my chair, go downstairs, eat lunch, get into my body, check in with how I'm feeling and do all that stuff that I talk about all the time that I don't want to do. So this is a prime example of how.
Intellectually knowing what you need to do versus the voice of anxiety and the voice of the monger telling me to keep pushing and pushing those things are at war right now. And so I need to take control, bring in my biggest fan, walk myself downstairs and get some nourishment. So happy. I caught this moment of anxiety because this happens all the freaking time.
And this is why I always preach about being kind to yourself and self loyalty, because without those two practices, I'd probably still be sitting at my desk trying to get to a point where I will have accomplished enough that my anxiety will be. It is more than just having a knowing stress management techniques because without self loyalty and kindness, I would never stop long enough to practice the stress management techniques.
This was always my issue with all the self care messages out there. First, you have to feel worthy enough to care for yourself. For years, I would recognize that I was stressed and I should be doing some type of self care, but because I believe the voice of my monger that said, keep going. I never implemented them.
It wasn't until I actually developed a loyal teacher, myself, that I could notice the stress and realize that I was never going to accomplish enough to quilt my anxiety. I had to get up out of the chair and change what I was doing. Oh, and a quick update. I did go downstairs and eat lunch. I did some stretches and I came back to my desk more refreshed.
It still wasn't a high productivity day for me, but I was able to accomplish stuff without beating myself up. This incident took place the next day when I had the afternoon off. Okay. So today is a common way to my anxiety plays out in. It is in the way that I think that high functioning anxiety really gets to our worthiness.
And so having a day where I have nothing planned can be very anxiety producing. And today I just had the afternoon where I had nothing planned. And so the idea of doing something that doesn't require that isn't productive, that doesn't have an end goal that doesn't get me something. And just something that I really want to do when my anxiety is high.
It's even harder to do those things. And so that idea that I have to be doing something productive and I have to be worthy and I have to be, making sure that I'm getting stuff done. And so a lot of times when my anxiety is high, I don't have the energy to fight that I don't have the energy to bring in my biggest fan consistently and really go after something that I want to do, like reading or baking or doing something that just has no meaning other than it brings me joy.
And. When I'm when my anxiety is high and I try to do one of those activities, my monger and my BFF for just hammering me and that, world wrestling Federation match between the monger and the BFF comes out. And so I try to pull it back and I'll end it. Doing nothing numbing out in front of the TV or you don't give you my brain arrest by playing video games.
And I don't know, I don't know if that's okay or if I should be doing it differently, but that's how I know when my anxiety is high. That's how I give myself a pass. And then there are times when I can go in and I can bring in my biggest fan and I can read, and I can do something that I really want to do because my anxiety.
Isn't as high that day. And so that's an ongoing thing that I can continually working on is really fighting that idea that everything I have to do has to be productive and efficient and worthy. And so this example is an example that is ongoing for me, that I'm continually fighting. I've noticed during COVID.
Doing nothing idea has been even harder for me. I'm assuming it's because of increased anxiety and I'm trying to be kind to myself as I move through this. This is my way of handling it for now. And it is something I'm aware of being attentional around, moving back and forth between being kind, giving myself the past and knowing I don't want TV and playing games on my phone to be a way of life.
So I'm challenging myself to pull out of that in little ways during my time off. Baby steps with this one, for sure. And my last example is another one of those default patterns that is on repeat. So I'm a little late in recording. This one actually happened last night, but this is a common scenario for me because I tend to fall asleep in the evenings.
I tend to fall asleep before nine. If I can make it to nine 30, it's like a big day for me. And, I get up early in the morning, but still, I wish I could stay awake longer at night and because my husband is a night out and I would like to be able to spend more time with him in the evenings and I just can't do it.
And so every night, I either fall asleep on the couch or I drag myself upstairs and my monger is just hammering me for the fact that I can't stay up, that I can't handle it. And so even though my husband has said to me, I'm care that you can't, it does not bother me that you go to bed early, but man, for some reason it is one of those messages that is stuck in my brain.
That I'm a terrible person because I can't stay awake. And so I think. That for me is there's another one of those ongoing that I'm constantly bringing in my biggest fan to remind me it doesn't matter. This isn't a big deal. The only person that's affects is your husband. And he has said it doesn't affect him.
So when we get those hardwired messages, and I think I got that probably as a little kid, that a cooler person can stay up later and I'm not a cool person, but when we get those default messages, it really keeps us stuck and that can really be challenged. I know some of my default patterns are related to messages.
I swallowed as a kid, not based in rationality, not based in any fact, but I can remember as a kid that the cooler kids always stayed up late. And because I had an early bedtime, I wasn't cool. And so this insecurity comes out as anxiety. When I fall asleep on the couch, I sometimes have a hard time going to sleep because I'm spinning in my head about it.
And then inevitably my biggest fan comes in to say, chill out. You aren't a kid, you are a grown woman who gets to go to bed whenever she wants without criticism. So often our mongers play those tapes, those default patterns over and over. And unless we catch them and stop them, they will play. They're causing more and more anxiety.
We have to stop them using ask. The biggest issue I see with high functioning anxiety is we tend to tell ourselves this is just how it is. Or we berate ourselves for feeling anxious. I hope this podcast episode helped you feel less alone. I hope it'll help you notice when your monger is talking, when you're engaged in a default pattern and give you hope that feeling anxious.
It isn't just how it is. My anxiety obviously still plays a role in my life. But it doesn't run my life anymore. These examples I gave from this past weekend would have ruined my mood a few years ago. They would have changed my weekend in a huge way. Now I can notice I'm feeling anxiety, practice, ask, and know that this isn't a permanent state.
This is just an experience I'm having because my default patterns are kicking. Thank you so much for being here and listening. If you like, what you hear, please share it with others. You think would be interested or leave a review on apple podcasts