Episode 043: You Don't Have to Blow it All Up
When life gets challenging the temptation is to blow it all up and start over. Real change happens when we change the foundation of our lives rather than just re-arranging the clouds.
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Today I want to talk about the idea that you don't have to blow it all up. I am talking about making changes in your life. There are sweeping generalizations that we need to live these big, bold lives, make major statements, tell our stories, and show up authentically. So get out there and do big things.
While all that is great and fabulous; whenever I hear a client come into my office and say, you know they're ready to blow it all up, meaning they're ready to leave their husband and move out west, or they're going to quit their job and work for a coffee shop. They have these dreams of doing things completely opposite of what it is they're doing right now. It makes me want to pause and ask what's going on here because when we're trying to make changes, sometimes we convince ourselves it will be easier if we blow it all up.
For example, let's take a crappy marriage. So you're in your marriage, and it's not going so great, and you're struggling. You look at your divorced friends and have gotten through their divorces, and they're living the single life, and you think, I don't have to take care of anyone if I get divorced. It will be so amazing. I'll just have all this time. I just need to get out of this marriage. I'm just going to blow it all up and do my own thing. And yes, that might be true that eventually, once you get through the divorce and the pain of losing a relationship and not having someone in your life and the struggle and all that good stuff, you might get to a place where you only have to take care of yourself, and that would be fantastic.
Then you get to that place, and you're like, oh, now I only have to take care of myself, and this is kind of lonely. I wish I had someone else here to take care of because now I'm just dealing with myself. The saying of wherever you go there you are is one saying that I think of a lot, and that plays out in this, you don't have to blow it all up phrase, in the sense of when you blow it all up, and you leave the marriage, and you get out, and you're by yourself, you're still the person that was in the marriage. If you haven't made any real changes to yourself, then you're just the person that was in the unhappy marriage. Now you're the person that's single and unhappy because although your husband may be causing some of your problems, he's not causing all of them.
When we get in this tendency to blow it all up, it's a place of blame. That it is the job's fault that I'm miserable. It's my husband's fault that I'm miserable. It's where I live fault that I'm miserable. It's that it's cold, and I hate being cold. Although those things do play out, they aren't the sole reason. So if you are looking to make some changes and your temptation is to blow it all up, I want to take you back a little bit to ask simple questions to ask yourself. They're not simple. But what I think are foundational questions to make changes because if you're in a marriage and you're getting ready to divorce. You know you're done, and you decide you want to get divorced, then you need to start making the changes on yourself in the marriage now, even though it's ending. You need to figure out how to do you differently even if the marriage is over because the next relationship you get into if you haven't learned those lessons will be the same.
We repeat until we learn what do I need to change here. The questions I want you to think of if you're thinking of making blowing it all up, and these changes are "What do you value in your life now?" If you look at your relationship, lets stick with that example: What is it you value in your life? What are your life's values, and how is this relationship serving those values? How is this relationship not serving those values?
If the relationship is not serving your values, or you aren't living a life based on your values, what changes can you make within the relationship that would get you to practice doing that? Let's say you're in a relationship, and you're miserable. You hate it. One of the things that you value is adventure. But that's not showing up in your life right now. You're stuck in a rut; you're doing the same things over and over again. But you value adventure. The small changes that you can make are to start adding more adventure to your life. Start showing up in different ways in your life, from taking a different way to work to taking a skydiving lesson or taking a trip out west. Trying on that adventure piece that you want to try while you're in the relationship. Not waiting for when the relationship gets blown up, then I'll do all these great big things because it's easier to do all these little changes that you want to make within the relationship.
If you want to add more adventure to your life, and your thinking, oh, it's because this job is miserable and I hate my job. I bet if you added more adventure to your life, the job wouldn't be so miserable. Maybe still be miserable. You might still need to leave. But it wouldn't be as miserable.
Being able to tweak your life in these little tiny ways is adds to the changes that we may be seeking in our lives. The first question is, what do you value? The second question is, what do you need? What do you need out of your life? You can look at your values and then play them out. Just say okay, I value adventure, so I need to take more risks in my life. Or I value connection, so I need to work on my friendships. Or I value human touch, so I need to work on the way to find that. I need to ask for that more, or I need to get massages more. Or I need to do something where my husband hugs me, and I implement a let's hug each other every morning. Or something along those lines. These small little changes sometimes can seem insurmountable, and that is why we tend to want to blow it all up.
If I blow it all up, then I don't have to deal with these little tiny individual little changes because you know what happens when we start making these little tiny individual changes? Our inner critic chimes in. When the inner critic chimes in, it's like, why are you doing this different, this won't work? This is so silly. Why are we taking this skydiving? This is so silly. That is the real work. Dealing with that little voice as you make small changes in your life, that's when you start making radical changes. Because when you can stand up to your inner critic and quiet your inner critic as you start living a life that's more intentional, authentic, a life with integrity. The more you start doing that, the more your inner critic's going to chime in a. Then the more you can learn strategies to deal with that, so when there comes a time, and you have to make a major change in your life, you will have better strategies for dealing with those little tiny shifts that happen.
The first question is asking what do you value? The second question is asking what do you need? And then the third question is, where do I need to show up? What am I avoiding? Am I avoiding asking for something? Am I avoiding conflict? Am I avoiding showing up for myself? Am I avoiding someone else? So often, when we have this tendency that we want to blow it all up, we're not showing up. We think if I just make this big sweeping decision, then everything will be better. But, unfortunately, that usually isn't the case because we need to show up for our own lives. We need to show up with integrity and ask for what we need and live by our values, and make those choices, day in and day out, all the time.
One of the biggest things I hear is, and I'll use my husband and me as examples a lot in some stories that I tell, and people will say, "Oh my gosh, I wish I had your husband," or "I wish I had your relationship like you're so lucky." I am very blessed to have the relationship that I have, and we show up every day, or most days. We make little tiny decisions every day to be intentional, ask for what we need, call each other out when we're not present, and live by our values. Those little tiny shifts in how can I show up today? How can I be living by my values? How can I ask for what I need? That's when we make real changes in life. That's when stuff shifts for us.
Yes, the idea of living authentically and being, you know I call it, living in the clouds like I'm going to make all these changes down here and up here, I'm going to make all these changes up here, and life's going to be great. No. It doesn't happen. We need to be making the bedrock changes. The changes in our foundation and those changes come by asking ourselves what do I value? What do I need? Where do I need to show up in my life? What am I avoiding? What am I not asking for? What can I do today to be more intentional, live with more integrity, and be present? How can I show up?
I do this a lot in my life. I'll get stressed, or I'll get, you know. And I'll think, oh my gosh, I'm just going to blow it all up. I'm going to move, you know we're going to travel around the country, we're going to get in an RV, and we're just going to blow it all up. Then I ask myself, where do you need to show up? What are you avoiding here? Nine times out of ten, I'm not showing up for life. I'm skating through. I'm a zombie. I'm just going through the motions.
When I can bring myself back to, okay, what changes do I need to make? Where do I need to show up? Where can I start paying attention more? It clicks, and those shifts start happening. I encourage you to start looking at your day-to-day life and where you can show up more. I swear it will change the way you shift everything. When we start shifting the bedrock of our lives, rather than rearranging the clouds, it gets better because we start shifting stuff, and we are living happier. I promise. Try it. Let me know how it goes.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: The Taillight Challenge
This week's ritual is called the taillight challenge. I heard about this when I was in a meditation conference that I took a couple of weeks ago. When you are tuck in traffic to look at the taillights in front of you. Take a few deep breaths, relax and breathe and just watch the changing lights of the taillights in front of you. The beauty of this challenge is you can do it when you are in traffic, which is when we're most stressed. It's a great way to focus down on what's happening at the moment and just take some breaths and relax. Get some little mindfulness through the day. Take a break. Check out some tail lights.