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One Decision at a Time.

Once Decision at a Time

One of the misnomers about counseling/coaching is the idea that we need to be ‘fixed’ and that with a couple of sessions with me you can be ‘fixed’.  First off there is no fixing necessary. It is my belief that we are ok as we are, we just get lost and overwhelmed and pulled away from our innate selves and that is where the pain comes in.  Sounds hokey and in my younger years I never would have believe that.  I was constantly looking to be fixed, to be whole.  My bookshelves are FULL of self help resources promising such fixes.  What I have grown to learn is that the ‘fix’ we are looking for happens over time.  It actually happens one decision at a time.  Over time as we face different choices it is what we choose to do with these choices that the ‘fixing’ comes in.

It is:

  • One intentional choice to speak your needs.
  • One moment of saying no and not feeling the need to justify prove or defend.
  • One reaction where you choose honesty and truth rather than being passive aggressive or drama filled. 

These decisions happen when we learn to trust ourselves, to value our needs, to speak up, set boundaries and say no when we need to.

This decision making process isn’t easy or quick.  And honestly once you learn how to do it doesn’t mean you have it forever.  Making these decisions takes practice.  Putting yourself first, letting go of perfectionism and choosing to not react to the anxiety are decisions you make one by one every day.

These decisions take awareness intentionality and being present to your daily life.

Scenarios include:

Having a frustrating day and choosing between picking a fight with your spouse or actually telling him you are frustrated and need 10 minutes so if he could figure out dinner that would be great.

Not wanting to have your friend over for a play date because you are tired and choosing between telling her the truth, making up an excuse so you don’t look like a bad mom or inviting her over anyway and being miserable the whole time.

Meeting your mom for lunch, which you dread because she always wants to spend the entire afternoon with you and you just don’t have the time. Choosing between telling her at the beginning that you need to leave by 1:30 or spending the day throwing passive aggressive hints as she drags you from shop to shop.

Your kids asked you to play soccer with them in the yard, something you love doing, but you know that your to-do list is ever growing and you really need to vacuum.  Choosing to hang with your kids for the afternoon knowing you can vacuum anytime OR choosing to vacuum and then later being bitter at your husband that you never get to do what you want to do (even though if you are honest with yourself he REALLY doesn’t care about whether or not the house is vacuumed)

We are presented with little decisions every day and it is our response to these decisions that determines whether we are truly living happier. My job as a counselor/coach is to help you get back in touch with you.  To help you trust yourself again and get comfortable speaking your needs, lessening your anxiety and listening to your inner wisdom, one tricky decision at a time.

I would love to hear from you:  Can you relate to any of the scenarios above?  Do you agree with the theory of one decision at a time? What decisions do you struggle with the most, saying no, speaking your needs or choosing fun over work?

2 Responses to One Decision at a Time.

  1. I agree with you. I tend to be an opportunist, the coordinator, the peacemaker, the “I’m always here if you need / want me” kind of person. And in the process I have put my own priorities aside thinking it is only temporary and I do what I want later. Typically I am very happy to accommodate friends or family but I run into problems when I do not get the same consideration, respect or action in return. Why do I continually put everyone’s importance above my own when I’m not important enough to everyone else? I need to set my boundaries, stick to my priorities, say no and delight in what I’ve chosen to do for MYSELF. Because, after all, if I take care of myself then I can take care of everyone else. OK, already that sounds self-centered !!! Hmmmm

  2. I agree with everything you said! That is exactly what happens–we decide that we are going to step up put ourselves first and speak our needs and then that little voice in the back of our head says “who do you think you are?” “that is just selfish”. I can relate Karon and I know a lot of other people can –and as the old saying goes if you aren’t looking out for you nobody else will. Which is so true, I have found that when I started standing up for myself, drawing boundaries and speaking my needs I started drawing more people into my life that a. Wanted to hear what I said and B. wanted to live their lives the same. So I couldn’t hide behind doing everything for them–They actually wanted to hear about me and my life which was a whole new experience! It is a process–one decision at a time! 😉

    Thanks so much for sharing!