Want to stop losing your cool with those you love?
I am taking this week to spend time with family, engage in self care, and celebrate the 4th, so this week we are taking a look at favorite posts from the past. Second this week is ‘How to Stop Replaying and Over Analyzing’.
Picture this: You are at a party. A friend of yours introduces you to another woman who is glamorous, intelligent and witty. Quite honestly, she brings forth every one of your mongers. As the three of you engage in conversation, much to your surprise, you laugh, you have intelligent responses, and you even crack a few jokes. You realize that you might actually look glamorous, intelligent, and witty yourself, and you start to feel that way, too – and then, your friend’s friend asks what you do for a living. You start to sweat, feeling the anxiety from your core. You fumble for the right description, and try to think of something clever and witty to say. But, honestly, how can you describe a desk job in a clever and witty way? So you mutter your standard response which lands with a thud. Shortly thereafter, the conversation ends – maybe because that is how conversations go at parties where there is lots of mixing and mingling, maybe because you answered the question poorly and they could see right through your glamorous, intelligent, and witty charade!!
As you replay the night with your partner, you keep coming back to this conversation…what could you have said differently? How could it have gone better? What did you do wrong? You obsess and obsess until your spouse is tired of hearing about it. Later that week, you re-tell the story to three different friends, also obsessing with them. They all offer helpful advice and loving responses, but none of it helps. Eventually you realize that you are being ridiculous (mostly because everyone keeps telling you that), and you stop talking about it – but that doesn’t keep you from obsessing, oh no. You continue to deconstruct the entire conversation, and it always ends with you being a loser who can’t have a conversation or answer a simple question in a clever way.
Sound familiar? I can remember my obsessing days (honestly, they still appear every now and then, but, fortunately, not nearly as often). I used to obsess and analyze and pick everything apart. It never ended well for me. That is the problem with obsessing: it never ends well for you. You always end up losing. The more we obsess, the more fodder we are giving for our Mongers. We tell ourselves that we are obsessing to become better people, to learn and grow, but I am here to tell you. You will never learn and grow by obsessing.
Yes, there is something to learn from the party scenario. The problem is easily fixed. Figure out a response that you are proud of to the question “what do you do?”… that’s it. Bottom line, you don’t know what those two ladies thought of you at the party, and you never will. But what you do know is that you felt uncomfortable with your response. You felt triggered, and inferior – and THAT you can learn and grow from. THAT trigger is where the good stuff is.
Once you know the trigger (asking about your job), you know that is the rub.
You know that you either need to
- find a new job
- figure out an answer that feels comfortable for you
- not care what people think about you.
And, speaking from experience, option 3 is REALLY challenging.
So, the next time you find yourself obsessing…
Do something different in the moment. The best way to switch your thought process is to move your body, so take a deep breath. Do a stretch. Walk around your house/office. Do something physical.
Ask yourself: what is really bothering me? What am I really afraid of? In this scenario, the fear comes from being embarrassed about your job.
What could you learn from this experience? So if it is your job (or the answer to the question what do you do?) figure out how to change the answer.
Repeat as often as necessary. Believe me – initially, you will need to repeat this process a number of times.
Obsessing over situations, conflicts, and conversations can become addicting. It creates a drama that allows us to disconnect from what is REALLY going on (e.g. being unfulfilled in your job). The trick is decreasing the drama (caused by mongers) and increasing the connection (with the wise voice).
I would love to hear from you in the comments. Do you tend to obsess? What do you tend to obsess over? What works for you in stopping the obsessions?