Episode 035: Living Happier in a Quick Fix Society
Tips to Living Happier when we are overwhelmed with life.
+ Read the Transcript
So let's face it. Life moves fast all day long. There are millions of pieces of information flying at us on how to be better and be more successful. And, of course, how to be happier. Unfortunately, there is so much talk of instant gratification, fad diets, quick fixes, and fast money.
And with all that fast-moving instant messaging Snapchatting, there's a pushback. There's a yearning for quiet meditation, simple pleasures, and enjoying the little things. These two polarities constantly present in our lives. They almost drive me crazy. These two polarities, I am constantly pushing myself to go faster, and on the other end, pushing myself to be quiet, take some time, sit in the backyard, and relax and enjoy the simple thing.
So, on the one hand, we know to engage with life and live happier, we need to disconnect. And on the other hand, we know that society and our inner critics tell us to keep up, get stuff done, be successful. It is enough to make even the calmest person, anxious and heaven forbid you're like me, and you already struggle with anxiety.
So what are we supposed to do? And we know that getting quiet and listening is the key. And yet, we're afraid of the answers that might come up. We know that living in life based on our values is life-changing, yet living our values might anger a lot of people and disappoint them. So living our values might cause a major upheaval in our lives.
We know that meditation and mindfulness is the number one way to decrease anxiety and increase health. And yet, sitting in that quiet is scary. We know that speaking about our needs and setting healthy boundaries are important. And yet, sometimes, the pushback from setting a boundary is just too exhausting.
We know admitting we aren't as perfect as we appear and don't have it all together is important to living happier. And yet we're scared to death to be that wrong. I believe all of those are true. That is the crux of living happier. The dichotomy of both, of those, of admitting that we know healthy boundaries are awesome and they're needed to be happier.
And yet they're hard to set and knowing that we need to live a life with our values. But knowing that living that life sometimes is uncomfortable and makes other people uncomfortable. So to counter those, I believe we are supposed to do three things.
Number one, give yourself a break, understand that living happier, decreasing anxiety, and being authentic aren't going to happen overnight. They aren't a quick fix, and they aren't easy.
They are lifelong practices, and they're going to be days that you don't want to engage in that practice. So remind yourself. That is okay. Tomorrow is another day. The one thing I hear so much from people that say I want to live happier, and they come in, they talk to me, and they are shocked to hear that I don't have the perfect set of boundaries.
I don't have a life that's constantly engaging in my values all the time. My inner critic runs the show some days. I am actively learning how to decrease that, which is why I'm, doing what I call my year of self-compassion and learning more about self-compassion for myself. We are all learning as we go.
So give yourself a break that it's okay. That you may know these practices and you may do them more days than not, but on the not days, that's okay. Give yourself some time. The second thing I want to say is to counteract this busy world is to show up, just show up, shut down the autopilot mode, and show up for your life.
Notice when you're feeling anxious. Notice when you keep saying yes, but. In your head, notice when you're running into old patterns, notice when you're looking for the easy out, just notice that show up for your life and be imperfect. We spend so much time trying to get it right, trying to do it perfectly.
And we don't show up and notice when we're doing when we're stuck in old patterns. A common example, we read a self-help book, we get inspired. We listened to this podcast where yeah, I'm going to make some major changes. And we head down the road to make some major changes. And gradually fall off the road, and we get back into our old patterns, but we don't notice that we're running into old patterns.
We're just engaging in the old patterns. And so we do the old patterns for a while, and then eventually we remember I was going to be doing this stuff differently. I was going to do it another way. And so we start beating ourselves up and hammering ourselves. If we noticed when we started running into the old patterns, if we had stopped and just paid attention and said, whoa, today I'm engaging in some old patterns, we could have stopped the action there.
We could have recognized the old patterns and been like, oh, today's just been an exhausting day. I don't have it in me to draw the boundary where I should. I'm going to notice that I'm going to move on, and tomorrow is another day, but instead, we run on autopilot and let the old patterns take over the drama.
The resentment, the ridicule, all that stuff comes playing out. And then we start turning on ourselves because we weren't able to make the real change. So when we show up for our lives, when we show up in all our imperfectness and notice when we engage in a pattern and when it's more challenging for us or when it's harder or when we can just be in our lives. That's when change occurs. That's when it gets easier.
The third tip I have for you is to ask for help. We can't do this stuff alone. We can't live happier without the support of others. Ask your people to give you what you need to keep you on the path, whether a kick in the butt, support, or words of wisdom, ask others for help. I have many clients who say to me, I want to make these changes, but my husband just doesn't get it. And he's not that supportive. And I've said to them, have you asked for help. Have you asked him if he's interested in this stuff? And 90% of the time, they say no, I haven't.
Or if I have mentioned it to him, he just gives me advice. And then I say, have you asked him not to give you advice? Have you asked him to give you support? And they say no, I haven't done that either. So pay attention to how often you're like, wow, my, my people won't give me support and then come back with, have I asked them for support?
And if I have, have I told them the kind of support that I need? So often, I'll say to my husband, I need you to just to listen to this. I don't need brainstorming or suggestions. I just need you to listen. Or I'll say I've just had a tough day, and I just need a little support because we don't know how to show up for you. And so when you ask for help, be specific on what it is you need from other people. So those are my three tips for living happier and a quick-fix society when the go has gotten too much.
Give yourself a break, show up for your life and ask for help. I'm going to leave you with a wonderful quote from Geneen Roth, a phenomenal practitioner in helping women deal with body image and emotional eating. And she's come up. This quote she says is, "for some reason, we are truly convinced that if we criticize ourselves, that criticism will lead to change. If we're harsh, we believe we will end up being kind. If we shame ourselves, we believe we end up loving ourselves. It has never been true. Not for a moment. That shame leads to love. Only love, leads to love."
Oh, that's so incredible. So I guess I would add that as my fourth tip is love leads to love. Love yourself through all of this craziness.
That is the life we live in. Give yourself lots of love and compassion for trying to live happier, trying to be present, trying to live by yourself. And on the days you win, celebrate those days, celebrate them big time.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Do Something Creative
Draw, paint, write, sing, play an instrument, dance, or get out in the garden. Expand the right side of your brain!!