Want to stop losing your cool with those you love?
Fear. It is a common theme when it comes to any type of change. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of just making a fool of yourself. Regardless of what the fear is–if we are contemplating a change it is usually there. There is only one way to fight the fear (or as I like to call it the Fear Monger) and that is by going through it. Unfortunately, going through the fear is hard!!! Fighting the fear, involves intentionality, awareness, perseverance and moving pebbles, as well as mountains.
Occasionally, I will have clients who decide to bypass the Fear Monger and just blow it all up. They decide to just ‘blow up’ the parts of their lives that aren’t working. Quit their job without having a plan B, leave their spouse without any explanation, or move to Denver with no notice.
From time to time and for some people this works. I know I have been known to quit a job with a very loose back up plan in place. But I also didn’t have a family to support and knew exactly how long the money in my savings would last me. So although the decision appeared irrational I had a plan, a loose one, but it was a plan.
I am talking about the people who have no plan, who have no inkling of a plan B, no regard for their values or priorities, for the family or the loved ones they are hurting by their actions. It is my theory that when you get the urge to just blow it up without measuring the consequences or the pain–it is because fear is in the way.
Yesterday, I talked about a client who was afraid of ‘selling out’. She had a lot of fear around leaving her job. Security was very important to her as was supporting her family. However, frequently she would talk about just walking in and giving her 2 weeks notice and going back to school. I admit when she talked about doing this her face would light up and she would get very excited—usually a sign to me that someone is on the right track. She was on the right track–she was just trying to take the long road around the fear monger rather then go through the doubts, insecurities and fears that were in her face. This long road could involve, debt, not being able to afford her child’s college education, keeping her husband from pursuing his dreams, and taking time away from her children as she went back to school. Now none of those things are life threatening but they were very much against her values of financial security (e.g. no debt) and family (e.g. her husbands dreams, spending time with her children). So when she started talking about blowing it all up–I started getting curious about her fears. Turns out the Fear Monger was running rampant in her brain, she was full of self doubt, insecurity and anxiety about going back to school.
The kicker is that even if she blows everything up and takes the long road around the fear monger and just quits her job, heads back to school she STILL has to eventually face the fears. She HAS to go through the Fear Monger eventually. She has to deal with herself, face her doubts and fears about trying something new, going back to school and risking her family’s security. Because although her job is making her unhappy, it is herself her self doubt and negative self talk that is keeping her in that place. She has to learn how to deal with herself and make change within herself, facing the fear one step at a time.
Her fear isn’t going anywhere, it will just be temporarily covered by the carnage of the “blow it all up” bomb. Basically she will have to face all these doubts after causing her family thousands of dollars of debt and loss of valuable time both things she highly values OR she can face her fears one step at a time as she plans the best way to move forward. It isn’t that quitting her job and going back to school is a bad idea. The point is there are 2 ways to go about her plan. 1. blow it all up and deal with the pain and consequences later 2. make a plan for quitting her job and going back to school that fits with her values, priorities and obligations
I know when my clients get the temptation to blow it all up with no regard for the consequences it means 2 things. One they are on the right path and two we are in the midst of their Fear Monger. Change is not easy and if there is one thing that gets the Fear Monger active it is when we are thinking about making a change. When we take one step at a time, face our doubts and fears, keep in mind our values and priorities and make a plan towards achieving what makes our heart sing, we can work happier and live happier.
When have you been tempted to blow it all up with no regards for the consequences?