Why Self Help Might Be Causing you Anxiety
The genre of self-help gets a bad rap. It gets a bad rap because there is a lot of bad self-help out there. There is also a lot of good self-help out there (I like to think I fall into that category). But I know I went through a period where my quest to feel better and live happier sent me to the Self Help Section of every book store. My shelves are filled with the "10 ways to Bust Fear" and the "5 Ways to Find Happiness". Eventually, I realized that this self-help wasn't helping my anxiety; it was causing it. I see it with my clients who know some self-help principles and try to implement them into their lives, only to feel discouraged that it isn't working.
I think self-help causes anxiety because it makes us believe:
There is an End Point. We are sold the belief, once you master the five ways, THEN you will find happiness. They don't tell you that it will take a lifetime to master the five ways if you are diligent, intentional, and committed. There is a sign that hangs in my office that says "Enjoy the Journey" it is a reminder that I refer to daily that there is no endpoint. This is a process, a journey, and our job is to enjoy it as much as possible with all of its crazy ups and downs.
There is a Right Way. There is no right way to do your life. The more you look outside of yourself for the answer, the further you will be from finding it. When we live our lives based on what other people think, we can lose sight of what we are thinking. Yes, we can listen to other perspectives and get insight. But too often, when we are seeking answers, we lose the skill of discernment. We forget to ask ourselves: Does this perspective fit my life, and if so, how can I best implement it? Instead, we attempt to swallow the advice whole and then get anxious and blame ourselves when we can't do it 'right.'
It is Easy. Bottom line. This stuff is hard. We might break it down to 5 steps, but those five steps are far from easy. Just because there are few principles doesn't make it easy. A mathematician might solve a math problem in 5 steps, but each of those steps takes a lot of knowledge and explanation. Self Help is a daily practice, some days easier than others. But it is a practice of resilience and intention. The belief that it is easy is the one that annoys me the most because it leaves us feeling anxious and asking, 'what is wrong with me?' when it doesn't come easy. We see experts telling us how extraordinary their lives are because they have practiced the five principles of success. Meanwhile, we don't see their crappy relationships, their ignored children, or their depleted finances. I am NOT saying all Self Help/Psychology experts are charlatans; I am saying it is the experts saying, "all the cool kids are doing it, it is so easy" that we should be suspicious.
The people who I have learned the most from, such as Elizabeth Gilbert, Brené Brown, Dan Harris, or Tara Brach (to name a few), are transparent with their struggles. They are not selling the ease of the practice but the serenity that comes from it.
When we stop looking for the answer outside of ourselves and realize all the wisdom we need comes from getting quiet, paying attention, and listening, then we can live happier.